Doubt

FEBRUARY 8, 2024

DAWKINS RESIDENCE

OSAKA, JAPAN

The apartment in downtown Osaka is tastefully decorated - the walls were not busy, the furniture simple yet refined. One might call the design ‘minimalist’. Traditional Japanese art adorns the walls while modest lighting illuminates the space. We’re here this evening thanks to the forgiving schedule that PRIME affords its competitors.

Bryan Dawkins sits on the couch with his gaze locked on the MacBook which sits in his lap. An email is up on the screen entitled “Your 2/8 Appointment - 8PM”, which includes a Zoom link. The clock on the wall reads 7:57 and the electric glow of the neon lights outside suggest that it’s evening in Osaka. Bryan’s fingers tap on the laptop enclosure and his eyes dart back and forth between the clock on the wall and the clock on the screen.

7:58

He inhales deeply and takes a deep drink of a clear liquid from the short glass that sat on the end table moments earlier. A faint buzz fills the otherwise empty apartment from the busy streets of Osaka below.

7:59

Here goes nothing. Dawkins clicks the link enclosed in the email and holds his breath as the Zoom logo materializes on the screen. Moments later, the logo is replaced by a woman’s face. Her auburn hair is affixed atop her head in a messy bun and a tan cardigan covers a plain black scooped shirt. She smiles earnestly into the camera. She looks awfully put together for six o’clock in the morning on the East coast.

Deep exhale

The ‘enable video’ option is clicked and the blank thumbnail above Bryan’s name illuminates with his mirror image. He musters up a half-assed smile and unmutes the line.

“Hey…”

“Hi there! Bryan, my name’s Annie. Nice to finally meet you! Bando has told me so much about you. I’m glad you agreed to meet.”

***

The introductions and pleasantries are out of the way. Doctor Annie Kim is one of the Directors of Boston University’s Counseling Department where she serves as the Chair of the department’s Sports Psychology specialty and has been a faculty member for the past fifteen years.

The awkwardness persists.

“So uh, ya…spent the last two years preparin’ for my return to the ring and blew it. Spent the last two years overhaulin’ my game, rebuilding my body…then I just lose focus when it counts. I don’t get it.”

“I think you need to cut yourself some slack. How many people do you know who returned to professional sports after an injury like yours?”

A pause, but the question was rhetorical.

“More than that, how many people would have returned and been at the top of their game right away? It was what, over two years since you were in the ring last?”

“Twenty eight months, bruh.”

“So nearly two and a half years away from your profession in a competitive capacity and you expect to jump back in and be at one hundred percent right away?”

Another rhetorical question.

“Again, I think you need to cut yourself some slack. Give yourself some grace. Whatever phrase you’d like to use - you need to reframe how you think about what you’ve been through and where you’re at today.”

“But you gotta understand, bruh. I was at the top of my game when I got hurt. Never been better. Never had more success. Hell, I was one move away from beating the bruh who won the entire TC-X the year I got hurt.”

“So you’ve been there once, what makes you think you can’t get there again?”

“I had to rethink everythin’, bruh. Can’t fly anymore…that wheel doesn’t work so well anymore, ya know? If that happens again, might have to call it a career.”

“Let’s talk about that. What do you gain by dwelling on the idea that you might lose your career if a freak accident happens again in the ring? How does that help you moving forward?”

Annie Kim is an expert at asking rhetorical questions.

“And the flip side - what do you gain by looking to the future where Bryan Dawkins takes the professional wrestling world by storm by using a pretty impressive jiu jitsu background. A future where FLAMBERGE isn’t the only wrestler in PRIME with a lengthy list of submission victories.”

Dawkins grins - Annie returns the expression. She did her research.

“What do you gain by that, Bryan?”

“Well, uh…a lot I guess?”

A lengthy, silent thought-filled pause.

“But…right now I feel like a rookie again, bruh. I feel like that 23 year old kid who was overwhelmed in every match. I feel like the young kid who just caught his big break and is now in wayyyyyy over his head.”

There it was - the trigger, the opening she wanted.

“And what’s wrong with feeling like that kid again? Don’t we all spend some of our lives wishing we were young again? There’s a reason that the human race was obsessed with the Fountain of Youth for so long. I want you to think of this situation..this opportunity…as your Fountain of Youth, Bryan.”

Here comes the doubt. The rebuttal. The excuse.

“When I was young, I was stupid. I pissed away a golden opportunity because I didn’t know how good I had it, bruh.”

Annie’s not falling for it. She’s seen this movie before. She knows the plot.

“See, that’s the beautiful thing about this whole situation, Bryan. You feel like a kid again. You feel like a beginner. Thing is, you already know the mistakes NOT to make. You have the benefit of hindsight. You get all the fun of the beginner progress but with the wisdom to tell you what to avoid. It’s a perfect storm.”

Bryan has no response.

“Our time is almost up for the evening. I want to leave you with an assignment for the next time we meet. Think back to a time when you were that beginner that you’re so afraid of being today. Think of what was good and what was bad. What went well and what didn’t go well. We’ll put that into perspective next time.”

“If you say so, bruh. If you say so…”

Dawkins glances at the clock as they bid each other goodbye for now. Guess what they say is true - time flies when you’re having fun. That is what this was, right?

9:00

***

TRI-FORCE JIU JITSU ACADEMY

OSAKA, JAPAN

Promotion nights were always a big deal.

Classes with headcounts of 20 or 30 students would balloon to 45 or 50 students for Promotion Night. This April night would be no different. The gym was packed with athletes of all ages, genders, sizes, races, ability levels. It was a true melting pot of jiu jitsu practitioners.

Bryan had been practicing jiu jitsu at Tri-Force for just under two years and was a four-stripe white belt. Training a minimum of five days a week, often for two or three hours at a time was paying off in spades for the young Hawaiian. With the relatively relaxed schedule of Bang! Pro Wrestling, Dawkins utilized these jiu jitsu classes as a way to keep his conditioning at a high level. It also kept his grappling sharp.

Dawkins lined up along the back wall with the other white belts as Coach Bando addressed the group.

“Tonight is a big deal. Those of you who have been here for promotion night before know what you’re about to witness. Those of you who haven’t are in for a treat.”

A sly grin paints the face of the grizzled black belt. Coach Bando had witnessed countless promotion nights and found them one of the true joys of coaching.

“Some gyms utilize a shark tank method. If you want a promotion, survive the gauntlet. We prefer another method here at Tri-Force. We prefer…”

The class held its collective breath.

“...superfights.”

An audible gasp, primarily from the white belts and newcomers to the gym.

“It will become apparent to you all who is up for promotion this evening. We’re gonna go five minute rounds, win by points or submission. Let’s get going - first matchup will be Dawkins versus…Dice!”

Daisuke was one of Tri-Force’s brown belts and one it its most revered instructors aside from Coach Bando. A relatively unimposing man standing 5’6” tall and weighing no more than 155 pounds, Daisuke was a certified badass on the mat. What he may have lacked in stature he more than made up with technical prowess.

Dawkins met his opponent in the middle of the mat, and after shaking hands and complimentary bows, the matchup was off. Throughout the contest, Dawkins amped up the aggression, looking for the initial takedown and attempting to catch Daisuke off guard. Conversely, the brown belt remained composed, often being two, even three steps ahead of the young Hawaiian. They don’t call them “spazzy white belts” for no reason. When a white belt understands that slowing down and being deliberate with their actions is often the best route, the sport becomes a lot easier.

As the contest neared the midpoint, Dawkins continued to attempt to mount offense (unsuccessfully) while Daisuke countered with perfect defense. As the adrenaline wore off and fatigue set in, Dawkins got sloppy. The second that an opening was given, Daisuke took advantage; before Dawkins knew it, Daisuke had him in back control and threatened a win with a rear naked choke. Dawkins fought off the choke and managed to break the hold and get back into the brown belt’s full guard. The two continued to trade positions until the bell sounded at the five minute mark. It was a hotly contested matchup and Dawkins came out of it looking as if he had just run a marathon through the Sahara desert. Hair disheveled, drenched with sweat, gi out of place, he clearly looked like he had lost. The two practitioners took their places along side Coach Bando as he prepared to announce the winner.

“And the winner at a score of 8 points to 5…DAISUKE!”

A roar from the class for the beloved brown belt enveloped the gym, and Dawkins was met with congratulations from each member of the class as he exited the circle. He was exhausted but fulfilled. He had held his own against one of the top competitors in the gym and had reason to be proud. He fixed his gi and rehydrated while watching subsequent superfights. Just as his heart rate had returned to normal, he heard his name again during a superfight announcement.

“That’s right - I forgot to mention that even if you competed once doesn’t mean you won’t compete again! Dawkins, time for round two!”

As it turns out Coach Bando wasn’t kidding. Throughout the next 90 minutes, Dawkins would be paired in a total of five more superfights against a mixture of one other four-stripe white belt, a blue belt, two purple belts and the finale superfight, again against Daisuke. In some ways, it was worse than the gauntlet - at least those were minute-long rolls and experienced athletes would have a “rest” against new white belts. These were five-minute long affairs with fresh competitors.

Dawkins went 0-for-5 in these matches. He felt crushed both physically and mentally. But he made it through and saw the end of the night. Again he found himself lined up at the back of the gym with the other white belts, awaiting the last of the promotions.

“We had a lot of great fights tonight and some really unbelievable performances…perhaps none as resilient as this one. For our last promotion of the night, I’d like to call Bryan Dawkins to the front of the class.”

A tremendous weight was seemingly lifted from the young Hawaiian’s shoulders as he made the trip from the back of the gym to the front of the class. Dawkins found his place standing face-to-face with Coach Bando, who removed the white belt from around his waist, hung it over his shoulders and replaced it with a brand new blue belt. The new, stiff belt was tied snugly around his waist and Bryan was embraced in a deep, meaningful hug from his coach and mentor. As Dawkins shared high-fives and accepted congratulations from the rest of the class as he made his rounds, Bando addressed the room.

“As you all know, Bryan has been a mainstay at the gym since he arrived in Osaka a couple years ago. His dedication to the craft and to helping others level up is something to be admired. I am honored to award him with this promotion to blue belt!”

After making his rounds, Dawkins took his new place in line with the other blue belts and stared at the ceiling while fighting back tears.

This was the first real success he had achieved in years and was overwhelming. Little did he know this gym would change his life and save his career nearly a decade later.

***

DAWKINS RESIDENCE

OSAKA, JAPAN

7:59

Same apartment.

Same couch.

Same laptop.

Same buzzing nightlife.

Same glass…but the contents were doubled.

Dawkins clicks the link in the email and is met with Anna’s smiling face.

“Good to see you, Bryan! How have you been?”

Clearly she hadn’t caught ReVival on Friday.

“Been better, bruh. Been better…”

A sip from the glass from Dawkins. Annie remains cheerful.

“Let’s dive into it, then. What happened?”

“Don’t know, bruh. Guess I got into my own head or somethin’.”

This time, Annie’s taking notes.

“Got frustrated? Got questioned about the loss from a few weeks back and kind of lost my mind, ya? Made a challenge that I’m not sure I can man up to, bruh.”

“So you just can’t get over the loss, then? Or is it that beginner feeling?”

“I’m guessin’ it’s both, right?”

“We talked about looking back to being a beginner - were you able to do that?”

“I was…”

The former Flyin’ Hawaiian focuses on a neon sign in the distance, visible through the window.

“And…?”

“Well, I thought of my promotion from white to blue belt at Tri-Force. Got my ass kicked for nearly a half hour over the course of a half dozen matches. Got my blue belt at the end of it.”

After another sip of the drink, Dawkins manages a small grin.

“You’re smiling. Why?”

In the moment, there was nothing fun about it. Nothing to smile about. But as that crisp blue belt was being tied around his waist, it was a high like no other.

“I learned. I was able to take what I learned over those handful of matches and became a better grappler because of it. Learned I had to slow down. Learned I couldn’t just out-work and out-maneuver those higher belts. Had to show patience and think instead of just do.”

“And how’s that different from today?”

Dawkins ponders between sips.

“Guess it’s not, bruh.”

“So then why are you worried?”

“Because on March 1, I have to step in the ring with a former Universal Champion. I have to step in the ring with the cockroach of professional wrestling. Bruh just won’t die. And I can’t afford to be a beginner against a bruh like that.”

Whether or not Annie wants to admit it, Dawkins is right. Regardless, she’s got a job to do.

“No matter how you feel, Bryan, you’re not a beginner. What you’ve accomplished in the past thirteen years is nothing to be ashamed of. You’ve been practicing jiu jitsu for twelve years. You were wrestling long before that. You have no reason to be self conscious. You have the tools, you just need to get out of your own head.”

Silence.

One minute.

Two minutes.

Annie continues to notate.

“Ya know, that’s easier said than done. Guess I don’t have a choice, ya? I made the challenge. I wrote the check. Better make sure I have the funds, ya?”

Dawkins can verbalize it all he wants, but he needs to feel it.

Needs to believe it.

“Bando’s told me about you. There aren’t many in Osaka who can rival what you can do on the mat. I know it’s not the same, but it doesn’t have to be. You’re an accomplished athlete in a couple different disciplines - again, that’s not normal. Most people can excel in one thing - you’ve got at least two. THAT’s what you need to focus on - don’t think about how you feel. Feelings are irrelevant. Look at reality. Look at who you really are and what you’ve accomplished.”

Perhaps Annie is right.

“Could be rough, bruh. Jiles is no joke. Need to have my head on right. Need to slow down and focus on what I can do, not what I can’t.”

Maybe it’s sinking in.

“So…for next time, I want to hear what you did differently for this match. What was your mindset? Where did you go? How did you prepare? And how did it turn out?”

“You got it, bruh.”

“Good luck, Bryan. Talk to you in a few weeks.”

Just like that, Dawkins is left alone, the low ball glass his only companion in the apartment. Left alone with his thoughts.

At this point, those thoughts are a formidable opponent.

You could argue that those thoughts pose a greater risk to Bryan Dawkins than Cancer Jiles will at ReVival 44. Dawkins has less than two weeks to defeat those thoughts so he has a fighting chance to do the same to PRIME’s King Cool.