REZISTANCE REPORT - 2/24/24

REZISTANCE REPORT

two twenny-four, twenny twenny-four

(man there sure a lotta fours and twennys in therr)

operation in new york was a fuggin’ wash! cooler i thought was fulla vae victis blood samples actually had a buncha hotsauces custom made by some asshole down in st louis.

the mt rainiers revenge is pretty tasty tho.

butt speakin’ of mt rainier, i’m now here in SUNNY SEATTLE for the neggzt parta my mission!

the target: KERRY KUROYAMA.

age: thirty-one. hair: black. eyes: brown. ethnicity: half japanese, half white dude.

temperament: utterly joyless dick.

the mission: uncover any and all evidence that this silver-spoonin’ muthafugga is an ALIEN SHAPESHIFTER!

such is my sworn duty as the DEFender of earth!

three-thirty, aye-em

found a stake-out point, cleverly hidden within the garbage receptacles outside the target’s house.

this is easily the best smellin’ trashcan i’ve ever been in.

four-twenny, aye-em

got high.

six-thirty-five, aye-em

target apparently ate from chipotle recently, but threw out half a burrito. what fuggin’ asshole does that?

anyway, paired well with the mount rainier’s revenge.

eight, aye-em

observed the target leavin’ his house for his mornin’ jog in the mountains. made an attempt to follow at a safe distance, but dude is fuggin’ FAST.

might have to give up the pursuit. stomach is botherin’ me, for some reason.

eight-fifteen, aye-em

FUCK BRO THAT MT RAINIER TOOK ITS REVENGE OUT ON MY ASSHOLE!!

ten-forty-five, aye-em

lost the target cuz i hadda shid out in the woods!

but get this, while i’m was doin’ my dookie droppin’ business, my bag fell outta my pants, and a goddambed leprechaun jumps outta the bushes and runs off with it!

so i chased the bastard for literal HOURS only to discover it weren’t no leprechaun -- twere a RACCOON i was chasin’!

shit, what was in that hot sauce?!

eleven-twenny, aye-em

raccoon finally got high enough that i got my shit back and resumed the stake-out.

except target had left his home by the time i got back.

SHIT!

i’d break in and look for clues, but ain’t gonna risk leavin’ a trail. can’t risk allowin’ him to know he’s bein’ observed, or the whole operation would be royally fucked!

eleven-thirty, aye-em

ganked some kid’s skateboard. gonna marty mcfly that shit into town.

twelve-ten, aye-em

note to future self: NEVER MARTY MCFLY THAT SHIT!! dudes out here drive WAY faster than they do in the movie! got my ass straight launched off a cliff!

i mean on one hand, pretty sure i just pulled off the sickest ollie in existence, but in the other… fuckin’ OWW!!

gonna be pullin’ pine needles outta my beard for weeks!

one-forty-five, aye-em

hitched my way into town. not the first time i rode with a busload of nuns, but it was the first time it didn’t end in blood, fire, and chaos.

errybuddy in this state is soooo much calmer after they legalized weed.

anyway, finally got eyes on target once more by followin’ up with intel, and locatin’ his vehicle outside of silver linin’s gym.

silver linin’s, of course, is the wrasslin’ school belongin’ to fellow vae victis cohort and piano man enthusiast, sonny silver. my theory is that the school is just a front, hidin’ an alien lair somewhere deep inside, where they eat newborn babies or drink milk from the cow’s udder or whatever it is shapeshifters do behind the scenes.

two-fifteen, aye-em

late arrival by scott hunter.

how the hell do these guys just travel cross country all willy-nilly without any consideration for logistics and shit?

are they on some sorta tay sway private jet system?

three-thirty, aye-em

target spotted steppin’ out as hunter leaves the location. gets a call from an unknown source.

couldn’t hear much closer from the sewer grate i was hidin’ in, but the few phrases i could make out were “been too long” and “let’s meet at the usual place” and “always have time for you, zee”

gotta look into this “zee” business. could be the secret codename for their ALIEN OVERLORD!

will follow up on this, soon as the target leaves for this “usual place”

four-twenny, aye-em

got high

four-twenny-two, aye em

bro its like, what’s the point of anythin’?

i ain’t ever said this to anybuddy, but sometimes, deep down, i think that winnin’ that universal title was the worst thing that could ever happen to me.

like i ain’t ever seen myself as great… just a dude who like’s fightin’, who somehow fought his way to the top.

but soon as i got there, it was like i lost the will to keep goin’. spent a lifetime spent trynna prove myself. then i up and proved it. and now all i can think of is, where do i go from here? what am i fightin’ for?

dunno shit about bein’ ‘great’ at wrasslin’. and i never had to think to much about it, til i won that belt. nothin’ can ever be the same now.

i dunno… mebbe somebuddy like ol’ kerry would know a thing or two about livin’ with that mindset. if, ya know, provided he ain’t a shapeshifter.

hey wait, speakin’ of…

…

wait, shit, target left the location

SHIT!!

lost him again!

i’m gettin’ nowhere here! abortin’ the surveillance operation… gonna concoct a new plan!

cuz knowin’ him, there’s no way he’ll pass up the opportunity to show his face at the show! and when he does, he’ll fall right into my trap!

muahahahahahaha!!

(why did i write that out just now?)

shit, i’m high.