In Sacramento it is fiery summer always...

Chip in the front seat of his car, speaks to his best friend and confidante- the mother he has never met.

Chip: The fight was good mother. Of course I wanted to win, I always want things that don’t happen for me. Even if I couldn't be that strange hippie I was proud that I endured. Chip always endures, Mother.

He pauses, listening.

Chip: What’s that Mother? Yes the backflip, I can’t believe I did that in the ring. I am terribly embarrassed. Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. A lesson we learned a long time ago. Stay under the radar. Play it clean. It was the heat of the moment and I won’t let such antics overcome me again.

He pauses to suck the jelly out of packets he has clearly stolen from a hotel continental buffet, a meager meal for such a brave fighter.

Chip: I feel a bit bad for Mr. Pontiff. At the end of the match he shook my hand and then nailed me with a headbutt. I imagine he thought he was getting one over on me? Making me look a fool. Well he looked foolish being so childish. And to imagine he thought this would bother me. No one knows my story, Mother. No one knows the life of Chip C. Trager has been nothing but a series of handshakes followed by headbutts. I think I learned that lesson when I was six and for the first time realized something that seemed nice could hurt me. The fool! Sorry, Mother. My language, I know. I need to be an example to the fans. A beacon of goodness and American values. I will do it, Mother. I will be the man you want me to be.

Backstage at the Golden 1 Center. Chip’s Manager, The Mean Teen cuts a promo while Chips stands awkwardly behind her, unsure what to do with his hands.

The Mean Teen: What’s up you fucking dorks? I can’t believe people live in Sacramento. Why would you choose to live in the part of California that’s boring? God you must be such a pathetic loser to live here, maybe you needed to live in a fake city because you feel like too much a hayseed in SF or WeHo where The Mean Teen hangs out. Don’t ask where. You could never find it and we would all be like, “oh my god who even is that?” if you did come.

God this city sucks I can’t even tell people I was here or I would lose followers. I think my dog has more followers than whoever the coolest person in this sack of shit town is. I mean, I know I do, Klaus is the fourth most popular dog in his breed on the gram. God this town is so fucking lame the only reason I have even heard of it is because Joan Didion is always blah blah’ing about how fucking boring it is. Imagine coming from a place that’s only famous as sucking so hard it created one of our great culture commentators, not that you fuck dicks can read.

Behind her Chip awkwardly tries various poses, flexing, fighting stances but none very convincing and each time he ends just kind of shuffling around.

John Obvious. What the fuck. Are you over 40? OMG, you are over 40 and this is what you do? On TV? Why aren’t you ashamed? Is that why you don’t have a picture on the website because you don’t want anyone to see what a loser you are? The Wonder Boy Chip Trager is going to eat your breakfast, grandpa. I wouldn’t even show up to the match if I were you. Maybe you can find someplace to eat prunes and read newspapers with the other senior citizens.

God this whole place is so embarrassing. Boise? Sacramento? Can you hold an event near an EREWHON or will it kill you old dorks. God, once The Magnificent Wonder Boy Chip Trager is done with this place I will never step foot in this embarrassing promotion again.

After the match be sure to tune to into my Tik Tok Live for my Shein haul sponsored by Raytheon and the Raytheon new Spy-6, a radar for every new surface ship available to all world naval forces!

Chip: And uh also I just wanna say, if you work hard and chase your dreams, you can do…

The Mean Teen: he meant to say fuck you John Obvious you old loser. He just said it in cool slang you can't even understand because of how shockingly old you are.