This Is How I Remember You

"Pain is temporary, film is forever."

~ John Milius

Saturday, August 31st, 2024

The Vancouver skyline rests against the surrounding mountains in the morning quiet, and I get to enjoy it on this balcony, coffee in hand, bathrobe on, swinging free. Damn. If you'd told me two years ago, this is where I'd end up...I woulda been too blasted to listen.

I get a call from Didi for our daily Facetime.

"Hey, Dee."

"Hi 'Bash!"

Didi St. Claire was my sponsor, a retired triple crown DCW champion, which is very important for about sixty locals who still buy her merch and support her go-fund-mes.

She was having a rough go through her sixties. Her career-ending spinal injury limited her mobility, and she could only find work part-time from home. We all put in for a chair, but she refuses to use one. Some people can't accept what's in front of them.

"How's it going?"

"Well, we checked Harry into Recovery this morning. Took convincing, if you can believe it," she says.

"I can believe it," I say. "I don't want to, but yeah, that's Harry...It fucking sucks, Dee. He was sober for so long. I thought he'd changed."

"I know, I know. I did, too." She takes out a rolling paper and starts preparing her 8AM joint. Boy, do I miss those?

"Makes me wonder if I've really changed."

"Are you still on this?"

"Yes! I relapse, it becomes a news item."

"I wouldn't say people care about you that much," she says, looking for a lighter.

"It's gonna be the worst when it happens."

"You promised me you'd stop that."

"I also promised you I'd be honest. I'm in no danger now, though. Did you know Canada was beautiful?"

*DING* A text drops into my phone like a bomb. I stare at my phone.

Hey! Same number, I hope. It’s been a while, and I’m living in Vancouver now. If you have time, we should catch up. I’d love to show you around the city 😊 - Leo

Sebastian's mouth lolls open.

“Bash?”

“I just uh…somebody I used to know, he just --- Hey Dee, do you think people can really change?”

“Of course.”

He looks at the text.

“If you believe someone can change for the worse," she continues. "Then they can change for the better. Unless they're a piece of shit, which most people are.”

"Yeah..." It's a week till the match...let's make a bad decision.

Where should we meet up?

* * *

Fade In:

PRIME PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS:

SEBASTIAN GOLD

in

THIS IS HOW I REMEMBER YOU

Based on Real Life Events

Adapted by Sebastian Gold

EXTERIOR - DESERT - A FILM SET  - DAY

A rickety 'rebel village' set with baggy-eyed artists doing last-minute touch-ups. GOLD enters wearing a 'Rebel Commando' costume. His face has some scarring, and there are evident bruises on his forearms, but it could also be make-up. He approaches a group of men in similar costumes and calls them to attention.

GOLD: Okay, boys, we’re a small but mighty team. My name is Sebastian Gold; everyone calls me Gold for short. I’m playing the Lead Rebel Henchman and I’ll be your Head Stunt Coordinator during this shoot. This is a Johnny Duvall picture which means our work has to be clean, efficient, and look like it fucking hurts. You’re gonna need to toughen up. You’re in pain; we’ve got Tylenol. You’re tired; we have stuff to fix that. You want to leave? Fine. There are ten guys who will happily take your slot. That understood?

One of the stuntmen, a fresh-faced, handsome blonde LEO, steps forward.

LEO: Excuse me, Mr. Gold?

GOLD: Tell your problems to your mother - I don’t wanna hear ‘em.

LEO: It's not about me. I was observing last night's shoot. Are you okay?

GOLD: Of course. "Pain is temporary, film is forever."

LEO: Then that's...normal? Him hitting you like that, every take?

GOLD: You wanna hang with the best; you do what's expected.

LEO: Right. So you don't need this extra cooler of ice packs I brought?

GOLD: ...Leave it just in case.

LEO smiles and moves in closer.

LEO: You know, I took this gig 'cause I wanted to hang with the best.

GOLD: I can't promise Johnny will give you a second look.

LEO: Not Johnny. I have actual taste.

He playfully punches GOLD  a few times on the chest.

LEO: I want you, dummy.

He pats his hand against GOLD's cheek.

LEO: I'll grab the cooler.

LEO exits. GOLD waits a moment, looks around for anyone watching, then collapses into a nearby seat in pain, rubbing his chest where LEO hit.

Cut to:

One of the last times I saw Leo, he puked his guts out at a Beheading Bimbos show, so when he said he'd surprise me, I assumed he meant an underground rave or basement art show.

I say this to explain how I arrived at 6:23 pm at The Petite Olive, a restaurant that set out more layers of silverware than one should need, wearing ripped jeans, a beat-up leather jacket, and a black t-shirt sporting the cover of Beheading Bimbos' second album, Screaming Panda Abortion. But everyone here was dressed sharp. I may be a child, I think.

"Oh my goodness," a man in a suit with Leo's face gives me the once-er. He doesn't look like he's aged a day.

A woman sits beside him.

"Darling, what are those women doing to that panda?" She asks.

Darling? This oughta be good.

Cut to:

"Alice and I met in Montreal where we throupled with this lovely fiber artist-"

"Anouk." Alice said, spitting out the name between sips of white wine.

"It didn't end well. She had personal issues."

"Plus Leo left her outside." Alice interrupts, her black curls bouncing as she swivels her head to her engaged. "In a k-hole on a children's slide in a playground."

"I didn't do it on purpose. You know how things can turn south when-"

"She lost full control of her fingers from frostbite." Alice opens her menu. "Stopped doing her work. I should see what she's up to..." She swings her head back to me. “Would you like some wine, Mr. Gold?”

“Just call me 'Bastian. And no thanks, I don’t drink.”

“Anyway," Leo picks back up his story. "We moved to the ‘couve for my career. But Alice is actually going back to Montreal tomorrow to visit family. It's where she's from.“

“I’m actually from just outside of Montreal in-“

“Oh right, I can never pronounce it-“

“-Laval-“

“-So I just say ‘Montreal!’ ya know?”

“Which is one more syllable. One would think it easier to simply learn where I am from." She slams her glass on the table, spilling a solid portion into the tablecloth. She turns to me again, "More wine?”

“No, thank you.”

"We've settled into Vancouver," Leo says. "I teach Film Studies at VanArts, and I actually Co-Chair the Vancouver Dahlia Society."

"Oh, I was too young for that show."

"No, not Daria, dahlias, they're those flowers with the endive-like petals that sometimes curl into themselves-it's easier if I show you."

Alice shudders.

"She hates them. They trigger her---; what's it called, honey?"

"-Trypophobia-"

"Right! It's crazy, watch this." He shows Alice a picture on his phone, and she flinches. "And it's just a flower!"

"Yes. Crazy," she says through gritted teeth. She picks up the wine bottle, clearly intending to pour some for me. "More wine?"

I cover my glass.

“I’ve already had so much.”

“No, no, I insist I-“

Her grip slips and the wine bottle empties all over me.

“It’s all good, don’t worry about it,” I say. This isn’t anything worry about. The smell is just all over you. Everywhere. It’s soaking into your clothes and- “I’m just gonna dry off a bit.”

I smile-nod at them and power-walk to the bathroom. Just get to the paper towels and you’ll be fine…

I grab the roll of paper towels from an open dispenser, lock myself in a stall, and start sopping up the wine. My heart's racing too fast. It shouldn’t be like this. I should be farther along. I should be different now, I think.

I close my eyes and go somewhere else.

Cut to:

INTERIOR - SOUND STAGE - NIGHT

An immaculately coiffed, angelic-looking LEO is finishing covering a chair with ice pads. A noticeably more beat-up GOLD limps in and smiles when he sees the chair.

LEO: Your throne.

GOLD: You shouldn't have.

He lowers himself into the ice-chair, every movement a new wince.

GOLD: But I'm real glad you did.

LEO: After this shoot's done you should come stay with me. I could run you an ice bath everyday.

He kisses him on the cheek.

GOLD: You serious about that?

LEO: Hm?

GOLD: You've only known me for eight days.

LEO: And more than a few nights. I don't mind seeing where this goes.

GOLD: ...okay. Thank you...

He gets emotional.

GOLD: I didn't actually...have a place set up after this was wrapped...trouble with my sister-

LEO: You don't need to explain.

GOLD: I know, but I should. She-

LEO: Shhhhhh. What you should do is get some rest. Long day tomorrow.

Leo gives him a pill.

GOLD: Heh. You're a real one you know that?

He swallows it and leans back on his throne to drift somewhere else.

Cut to:

I head back to the table. Alice is gone.

"I’m sorry about that," Leo says, "She’s been so stressed out with planning the wedding and the move and uh – "

“-Of course.”

“And with her trip tomorrow she decided to-"

“You don’t need to explain."

A pause. His hand inches a little closer to mine.

"But. She likes you, and she wants us to have fun tonight. What do you thing?"

There it is, what you came for...Why is my chest so tight?

Cut to:

Petite Olive, my ass, this was his plan the whole time, I think as we drive up a mountain road, high enough over the city for the cars to look like fake miniatures. His hands wrap tight around my waist, tighter as the bike speeds.

We stop at an overlook. All the city lights beneath us to take in. He kisses me, and it's as I remember. Suddenly, I'm five years younger and it makes me sick to my stomach. I pull apart from him.

"I'm sorry. I can't. This is a bad idea."

He doesn't hide his disappointment well.

Cut to:

Sunday, November 1st, 2024

"Good for you!" Dee yells from my phone. "And you wonder if you've changed. The old 'Bash wouldn't have thought twice."

"I still promised I'd talk to his grad students today," I say. "And go with him to this flower show he's judging."

"Wow, school and gardening! Aren't you supposed to be a stuntman?"

"Have you ever thought, Dee, that maybe my greatest stunt...is saving myself?" I stick my tongue out at her.

"Gross. Get off the balcony; I wanna see your room's molding."

"Oh, later." I wave her off.

"What do you mean, later?"

A shower turns on inside my room. My eyes go wide.

"...was that the shower??" I didn't think he'd be up yet.

"NOPE, uh, sorry Dee, it's Canadian raining haha! I'll send you pics of the molding BYE!"

"ARE YOU KID-"

I hang up and wince.

I can't stand disappointing people.

Cut to:

"Without further ado...please welcome my old friend, Sebastian Gold!"

Professor Leo's VanArts Film Production class stares at me, nothing in their eyes save one. A girl sits in the back of the class with thick round glasses and colorful enamel pins almost covering her backpack. I've noticed Leo glance at her a few times with an odd look. She hasn't stopped staring at me.

"Sebastian has graciously agreed to answer any questions you have about stunt work or the industry. Pick his brain!"

Silence. It goes on for a few seconds and also forever.

"And," I say. "I'll answer any questions you have about PRIME."

The room springs into action. Students take out their phones and start filming; others start shouting question at random.

“Do you have an update on Blake Colton’s condition?

What does Coral Avalon smell like?

Does Father Don do Bat Mitzvahs?

Can you get The Femme Furies to DM me back?

What do the Whoresman smell like?

When will Freedom of Speech return to Prime!?”

I set myself up for that. At least they’re interested.

“Okay, from the top down:"

I turn to the students one by one and answer them.

"No, how would I know that?

That’s weird, and I’m not answering that.

What do you think?

Please don’t harass them, for your own safety.

You’re not allowed to ask any more questions.

I don’t know. I’m not on Jabber because I love myself.”

The class murmurs their disapproval.

“Now, does anyone have a question I can actually answer?”

A single student raises their hand.

“Yeah?”

“According to Wikipedia, you’re two years younger than Crash Thompson, yet you look so much older. Why is that?” the student asks. It’s a rude but fair question that I, unfortunately, know the answer to.

“Because growing up shows on you. And that’s something Crash hasn’t really done yet. I’ve got a little more wear and tear from the outside. You know, I looked up his age when I got the booking, and boy, did I want him to be younger. It was kind of…hollowing feeling, seeing someone able to hold on to his kind of joy for so long. I get jealous sometimes of his optimism because I remember how good it feels to believe everything works out for the best. I miss believing that.”

“Then believe it if you get so jealous.” Leo says from his corner.

“I said sometimes. Right now, Thompson is full of energy and heart. As long as his friends and family support him, I'm sure he’ll stay that way. But support systems crumble. One day, he’s gonna be in crisis, and somebody won’t be there when he needs them. That’s when the foundations he should’ve been fortifying all these years to be on his own will wash away. It happened to me. It’ll happen to him.”

“That was a long way of saying you’re too cheap to buy wrinkle cream.” Leo cracks. The class chuckles.

The student with round glasses whose been staring at me leans forward. I notice Leo perk up. She raises her hand.

“Yes, Maddie?”

“Mr. Gold, have you untangled the internal paradoxes central to your chosen genre expression?”

“Uh…No, but I’m seeing a gastro about it.”

The other students chuckle. Leo does not.

“No, I mean you said you left Hollywood, to essentially become a real-life action hero in PRIME. But by doing that, haven't you just chained yourself to a commercially constructed masculinity that yields little space for you because of your sexual orientation and how short you look on TV.”

“What!?”

“Maybe you think your status as a queer man of color donning these aesthetics disrupts these toxic paradigms, but it’s more likely you’ll reinforce them by giving ‘the co-sign of the acceptable outsider’. It looks to me like you’ve broken out of jail only to put yourself in a stockade. Do you disagree?”

…What the fuck?

“I…I…” I stammer. “You know, 5'11" is over the average height of professional wrestlers." That's true. I google it regularly.

I look over to Leo, who beams at his star pupil who does not return his gaze. He turns to me for an answer.

“Wow. Um…to that I say…I once passed by Avalon in a hallway, and he smelled like peaches."

The class erupts again into competing yells and questions drowning everything else out.

Cut to:

I approach Maddie after class as Leo deals with his students.

“Sorry I couldn’t get to your question, I had no idea what you were saying.”

“Well, there’s a reason I’m a RIA stan.”

“She actually knows who she is.”

“You been watching her a long time?”

“Before anyone else, and I’ve got the tumblr to prove it.”

“What keeps you a fan?”

“She inspires me to be myself, to go after what I want. To me, she’s perfect.”

“That’s putting her on a very high pedestal.”

“Duh, of course, that’s what you’re for. Look, no one cares about you now-”

“Uh-huh.”

“-But they will! And for some people, you’re going to be important. Your stupid face will get people through things, and some of them will grow around your image like a beanpole and will need you. Do you understand that?”

“No, I don’t. We’re just wrestlers. You put that much on us; we’ll disappoint you.”

She shrugs. “Sorry, bud. You’re not wrestlers, you're myths. The pedestal is inevitable. You might as well start thinking how you’d like to look on it.”

“And what would happen if she became Lockhart again or relapsed?”

“Then I’d support her because that’s what she’d need to get better…but a lot of people wouldn’t…"

There it is. Maddie almost sees it, the precipice RIA’s on. Right now, she’s doing good, an inspirational recovery story, but one slip and you lose people, don’t you? They run out of patience, out of forgiveness, and who can blame them? You slipped.

I’m not as high up as you yet, RIA, but closer behind than you think, and one day, I’ll be as high up on that precipice as you. My only hope is that after I beat you and Crash, we can help each other keep our footing. We both know how fast we can fall back to rock bottom and all that we’ll lose, clawing our way back up.

I look over my shoulder at Leo in full professor mode. How does he still look like such a boy in that suit?

“Bit of advice,” Maddie says, noticing my gaze. “Ditch Professor Perv. You haven’t slept with him, right?”

“Not since it was your business.”

“Good.”

She draws in close.

“If he uses that ‘We’re open and my fiancée wants me to have fun’ line? Don’t fall for it. A few of us have learned the hard way.”

“Oh. Yeah...” Oh yeah! That's why bad ideas suck. I decide to go numb for a bit and walk around campus with Maddie.

By the time we loop back around near Leo’s classroom, I’ve let the feeling re-enter my body.

“I was looking for you!” Leo says, approaching. "We gotta head soon."

"I'll catch up."

"Hm?"

"Left something at my hotel."

"Okay. Don't tarry too long. The burlescas are in potent bloom."

Cut to:

INT. - AN APARTMENT - NIGHT

GOLD, face now swollen almost beyond recognition, his looks gone, a half-drunk whiskey bottle on the table. He makes a call.

GOLD: Hey, Leo, it's Gold again. Look, I miss you, and I haven't heard from you in a bit. I d-don't wanna be a pain but I'm running out of couches to surf on and...you don't need to love me or anything I just need a place to stay.

He pours himself a drink, finishes it, then repeats.

Cut to:

Alice stands next to me at the train station. Hers should be coming in any second.

I reached out to her after I left Leo's classroom. Turns out she had never left for her trip to Montreal. That she'd never told Leo that want us to 'have fun.' But she knew we would anyway.

"I missed my train," she said. "Because I thought if I went to his stupid flower show, maybe he'd devote himself to me."

"Were you two ever open?"

"When we moved to Vancouver, I told him I wanted commitment. For him, that meant proposing and then doing whatever he wanted. Including you."

"...Sorry about that."

"No. I choose men who refuse to grow and I'm only one who can change that cycle. Now, here’s my number and a few polaroids…”

“Wha- Oh! I’m—”

“…give these to Crash. Tell him I have not orgasmed in sixteen months, and I can pay for iHop in the morning."

“...I’m not doing that."

"Then at least make sure I get on the train."

I didn't understand what she meant until it pulled into the station. All of a sudden she was asking me if she was being rash, if she was leaving something behind she couldn't get back. But I kept my promise, and Alice got on the train.

Cut to:

INT. - AN APARTMENT - NIGHT

GOLD is passed on a couch. SEBASTIAN, now, enters. He looks GOLD over and sighs.

SEBASTIAN: This is how I remember you.

He picks up and throws the trash around GOLD, unfolds a blanket and drapes it over him, and then tucks a pillow underneath his head.

SEBASTIAN sits down by his side and stares at his past self.

SEBASTIAN: I'll stop hating you one day, I promise.

That's not today. For now, it's enough to brush the hair out of his own eyes and enjoy the quiet.

Fade Out.