Not Another Bad Sequel

Tony Gobbles.

Yeah, “Gobbles”.

I know it ain't as prophylactic as Kenny Fuckpants or Dia-RIA but it's pretty on-fuckin’-point for a mangy, loudmouthed jive turkey like you.

Look at me, I am a fuckin’ motherfuckin' champion, but you?

What the fuck are you, anyway?

What the fuck have you become?

Where's that devious prick that forced me to become his lackey that I've come to despise? I don't see that son of a bitch anymore, that's for damn sure!

All I see now is just some useless fuckin’ side character in the Egg Bandits lickin’ Coral Avalon’s asshole. Shit, you must goin’ through boxes of chapstick with how much you kiss that prick’s ass!

And what do you to show for it?  Jack shit! You're the one guy they'll clip the second the shit hits the fan.  You might as well be wearin’ a red shirt dreadin’ the landin’ party assignment when explorin’ strange new worlds.  You ain't even a bit part, Tony. You're a glorified extra. Completely expandable. Super-Flew-Us.  A big nothin’. To those eggy pricks, you're a big goose egg, pun there was intended.

Remember this, when I made my illustrial return, I gave you a chance to ride this wave with me, “Point Break” style, and you took my gift and then fucked me right in the ass with a barbed wire dildo.

Well, vaya con dios, motherfucker. I pivoted and now I'm gonna fuckin’ fuck your face up so bad, your own family won't even recognize ya!  When you walk down the street lookin’ for a kitten to curbstomp or whatever suck shit you do to get your kicks,, women will shriek and proclaim “Oh my God! What is that hideous abdomination that is approachin’ me?! It's the fugliest thing I ever seen! My eyes!!!!  My fuckin’ eyes!!!! OH THE HU-FUCKIN’-MANITY!!!!!! WHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYY????”

But not yet…..

The fact that we're throwin’ a potential big money match between us for free is pretty fucked up, if you ask me.

I ain't gonna pound you into ground sausage for fuckin’ free! This ain't no charity here! I ain't gonna find the rustiest fuckin’ knife I can, covered in the tetanus, and carve that stupid fuckin’ smile and turnin’ it upside down into a fuckin’ permanent frown for nothin’!

Give me a useless, incompetent fuck like Kenny Fuckpants for the twentieth fuckin’ time or the Hess Station or that fat fuck, Bobby Dean.

Not a useless, incompetent fuck that I actually got a beef with like you!

So I'm only comin’ for ya at maybe sixty-seven to fifty-one percent. Maybe forty-eight.

The worst part, it's in Utah? You think these Mormon pricks would appreciate the brutality that I wanna unleadg on your crooked lyin’ fuckin’ ass? Fuck no! They're gonna sit there like fuckin’ mannequins, and not cool Kim Cattral mannequins either.  I'm talkin’ regular mannequins.  Or worse: “Mannequin 2: On the Move”.

I would have to ask Terry Kiser which sequel was more shit “Mannequin 2” or “Weekend at Bernie’s 2”.

Fuck, even  “Devil’s Lap Dance 2” was a piece of shit.  And I ain't just sayin' that cuz my character’s arm got ripped off by a stripper’s possessed pussy.  Fuckin' rewrites, man. I was supposed to be beheaded by a demonic stripper yieldin’ an axe and killed seventh.  Instead, I got bumped to dyin’ second and havin’ my character shit himself. Only six minutes of screentime! My character survived the first one!  Fuckin’ Amber. That jealous bitch blew the director so he could cut my screentime because thought Jasmine was hotter.  She was, I ain't gonna lie about it. She has gorgeous face, rockin’ bod, all natural, and these dark eyes that you get, whaddyacallit, enveloped by or some shit.  Insecure bitch. Like it was my fault her boob job was not done with the most attention of detail.  One boob was slightly bigger than the other and her fuckin' lips were pumped with so much Gilligan that Bob Denver should be gettin’ royalties!

But that's the thing about sequels, ain't it?  They're all fuckin’ shit! “Speed 2”, “Look Who's Talkin’ Too”, “The Howling 2”, “Filthy Busty Vixxxens 2”, “Baby Geniuses 2”, “Troll 2”, “Caddyshack 2” etceterata, gobble, gobble, gobble. They all suck. They all lack the quality and character that the first film provided.

What makes Zapp versus Gamble Two any different? It's gonna be a bigger shitshow than fuckin' “The Exorcist 2”!

So I'm givin' you this one, Tony Gobbles.

I'm a fuckin' champion now. I got my moneymaker to protect. I ain't gonna risk sufferin’ some bullshit injury because you!

No fuckin' way!

I ain't gonna have your stupid fuckin' ass gobblin’ to anyone who’ll listen that you put Zapp Scatino, one half of the greatest tag team PRIME has ever seen, on the shelf.  Fuck that. I got Tommy Batts countin’ on me!

So, yeah, I admit it, I'm givin’ a half-hearted effort because right now, at this particular point and this particular time, you ain't worth it.

Fuck Salt Lake City.  Fuck Utah! And Fu-hu-HUUuuuuUUUUUUU-CK you too, Gobbles!!!

Now we go at it down the road? That's another fuckin' story…..

Maybe in a real fuckin’ city like New York, Chicago, Los Angeles, Des Moines, or maybe even in your own backyard, Las Vegas…..

It would be sweet to end you in your own hometown in front of your cronies and family.

But then and only then will you get my full, complete and unrequited attention.

If and/or when that day comes, our Episode Six:Return of the Jedi, our Last Crusade, our Return of the King, then I'll go ahead and make some calls, make certain arrangements, as they say, to methodically and dilatantally break you down and carve you up like a Thanksgiving turkey, chew you up, and then shit you out.

And I'm gonna get me the plunger if the highest quality make sure I got a plumber standin’ by because it's gonna be a big one.

Like Humpty Fuckin’ Dumpty, you'll be one broken egg they can't put together again.

Count on it, motherfucker.