Angel

“In the arms of an angel…”

“Oh great…” you mutter to the empty room around you, waiting expectantly for the screen to go dark and the saddest commercial to begin. Here you are wanting to relax with yet another re-run on The Big Bang Theory, and instead you have to sit through a commercial about abused animals.

The screen does in fact go black, as words begin to fade in.

“Every single hour in America, a Bobby Dean is violently abused.”

The words fade as a series of short montages begin to cycle. You see an exorbitantly obese man lying on a mattress, a mattress covered in a myriad of stains. Stains your brain stops itself from contemplating in sheer terror. The man appears to be shivering, in only his California blue speedo, as what appears to be tears fall down his rotund cheeks.

In reality they’re not tears, but rather the Mild sauce packs from Taco Bell.

The man appears malnourished, as his double chin has receded into a single chin and a half. His once impressive double D cup breasts have shrunk down to a still modestly large single D, or high C. And yet with every montage he appears saddened as the depressing song continues to play.

“Hi I’m Sarah McLachlan,” and there is the woman herself, seated on a couch in a very nicely furnished seating room. A sprawled out Bobby Dean lies along the length of the couch with his head lying lazily in her lap as she lovingly caresses his head. “Will you be an angel for a helpless man? Everyday an innocent man is abused, beaten, and neglected.”

She continues to run her fingers through his hair as he looks pitifully towards the camera. “And he’s crying out for help.”

“HEEEEEEELP!” Bobby screeches, causing Sarah to jump in fright, as the screen switches back to pre-taped vignettes, showing Bobby lying on his mattress once more, eating a double cheese burger from a McDonald’s cardboard burger box.

“Please go to the address shown on the screen, and drop off your donated burger of choice. For only one burger a day you’ll help rescue a Bobby Dean from his abusers.”

The screen switches over to a still shot of Cancer Jiles, smiling smugly towards the camera.

“Stop by today and you will receive a picture of Bobby Dean, eating your donation.”

The screen switches back to Sarah and Bobby back on the couch, this time with some distance between the two as Bobby is now on the opposite end of the couch, not withing touching distance of Sarah McLachlan.

“Right now, there is a Bobby Dean who needs you. Your burger says I’m here to help. Please donate, right now.”

The screen fades once more, leaving you with a feeling of unease, as you stare at the screen in disbelief.

“What the fuck?”