Patriotic

The marathon of Harry Potter movies on SyFy is interrupted by yet another commercial. You’ve seen the movies umpteen times, but yet you still find yourself seated in your Laz-y Boy chair, with your feet kicked up, a bag of Ruffles Queso chips tucked in betwixt your overly large thighs, happily watching Harry Potter cast an enlarge spell on his testicles.

The dementors are replaced by a myriad of flying patriotic flags. A large man in a blue speedo stands on the screen with a diabetes infected hand held over his struggling heart. You can smell the sugar permeating from his pores through the screen like it was a scratch and sniff.

“My fellow Americans, the only thing we have to fear is, Cancer Jiles as a dual champion! The world is not ready for all that salt, trust me, I know a thing or two about excessive salt.”

You have no clue what is going on, but sadly the remote has fallen in between the arm of your recliner and the seat cushion. You weigh your options, 1. Get up and retrieve the remote, hopefully before the commercial ends, or 2. You say screw it and simply suffer in silence…

“Screw it.”

“Confidence and courage are the essentials of success in carrying out my plan. You people must have faith in me. You must not be stampeded by rumors or guesses from the cancerous Jiles. Let us unite in banishing fear. We have provided the manpower to restore our PRIME system, and it is up to you to support me and make it work. It is your problem, my friends. Your problem no less than it is mine. Together, with a daily donated burger of your choice we cannot fail.”

An address is shown on the screen, as Bobby Dean waves an American flag with one hand while eating a cheeseburger with the other. Crumbs fall down his chin and a half.

And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your Bobby can do for you, ask what you can do for your Bobby. My fellow citizens of the world: ask not what PRIME will do for you, but what together we can do to trample the freedoms of Cancer!”

This commercial was funded for by the generous Cancer Jiles, but don’t tell him that he left his credit card on the kitchen counter…

The screen goes black, leaving you in wonder. “I should have gotten up and grabbed the remote…”