Three Nobodies Walk Into The Doom

Thomas Battaglia is a father, first and foremost. Let’s get that out of the way. He has the most experience with two high school-age boys sitting at home, only catching glimpses of their dad on television on this interminably long Pacific Rim tour. 

Difficulty level: Rookie.

The next two kids he picked up first around New Year’s. Tom never grew up around girls. He went to an all-boy’s high school. Girls were an opp first and then partners second. He never felt the scorpion’s sting of a hormonal teenage girl with thunderheads in her eyes one moment and hearts the next. But then the twins of his late friend Nobuo found out the adoptive uncle they never knew was coming to stay with them, first for Clash of Aces and then for the PRIME Japan tour. One of them was excited. The other just kept him up all night with incessant viewings of Peppa Pig. Challenging, yes. Impossible, no.

Difficulty level: All-pro.

Then came Crash and Bash.

Two grown-ass men.

No one asked him to be their dad, but the funny thing about life is no one asks anyone what they want before the Universe throws whatever the fuck it is that it wants to hurl at them.

Difficulty level: All-Madden.

🌭

Revival 63 After Dawkins’ Travesties

Crash, Sebastian and TAL are huddled backstage commiserating after Dawkins’ rejection.

“I didn’t think he’d really do it…” Sebastian admits. “I-I thought he was playing them or he’d come to his senses but…this is real. Bryan Dawkins is in the Red Army.”

He puts his hand on Crash’s shoulder.

“How’re you doing buddy?”

You really want me to say it, brosagna?

The Hot Dog Hero’s eyes remain locked on the fourth person in the room. Nearly unrecognizable, significantly malnourished, and beaten down worse than Crash; Violent Purple pins herself against the wall to the point she’s growing a mild sweat on her brow. Her eyes bounce around the corridor, flinching and shifting with each stranger that passes by. Unsure if he even knows the words to accurately convey his thoughts, Crash finally turns his attention to the Alias champ.

“Just…” It would prove true that he does not know the words. “Look at her.”

The trio focus on VP for almost a minute before Crash can’t help but turn away. He does a half-circle out of anxiety, a fleeting thought of Will she ever be the same?’ passes by the millions screaming ‘REVENGE, BRO! REVEEEENGE!’ TAL and Sebastian eventually have to turn eyes; it’s too uncomfortable to watch.

“That two-faced turncoat Dawkins wants a thank you?” Crash signals for the LaRoque boys to get Violent Purple to a safe space. “Motherfucker sure is gonna get one now.”

Sebastian feels his neck hairs stand up with the sharp tone in Crash’s voice. They lock eyes, both ready to rile each other up into a frenzy and go do some stupid and violent shit.

Exact some fuckin’ justice, son..

“I’m sick of this! How do they keep getting away with it? Have any of them paid for what they did to Violent Purple? To the Coltons? And now they’ve suckered Dawkins too and nobody’s doing anything about it! Hell they gave Ivan a fucking Universal Title shot for being a monster. Is that really how it works ‘round here? I’m fucking sick of it!”

Sebastian roars in frustration and kicks a nearby trash can which is far more solid than he expects. He yelps in pain and bounces on one foot.  A steady stream of expletives provides lyrics to the beat. Crash notices the negative result and eyes the garbage can vengefully. He two-hop dropkicks it into the wall with a massive clap of shattering plastic. A worker nearby jumps before holding his chest and taking many, many deep breaths.

“I’m sure a tantrum will really show them.” TAL says.

Sebastian rubs his foot and cuts his eyes to the veteran. “Any better ideas you wanna share?”

“As a matter of fact…” TAL puts his hands on both men’s shoulders. To him, these young men still look like kids. Unruly teenagers who needed guidance. He had experience with that, though never believed that experience could help him defeat the Army once and for all.

“You two wanna make a real statement tonight?”

🤼

Revival 63 Post Main Event

The three men stay up all night in Sebastian’s suite, working through what just happened.

The fall of Coral. The rise of Ivan. The inevitable consequences of what they just did to the new Universal Champion.

Through it all one phrase sticks in The Anglo Luchador’s mind.

“Nobody’s Heroes.” TAL mutters.

“What’d you say bro?” a tired Crash asks.

“That’s what Rich called us. ‘Nobody’s Heroes.’”  he nods to himself. “We wanna be a team? That’s our name.”

Crash and Sebastian blink. Then burst out laughing.

“Good one bro! Needed a laugh” Crash says.

Come on guys, I'm serious! Think about it we’re-”

“No offense dude,” Sebastian interrupts. “But I’d let Rob Williams cut off my dick with a butter knife before I let Richard Parker name our group.”

TAL decided to stay quiet for now and let the kids have their fun. Once they settled down and heard him out, they’d come around in no time.

👺

Drums and horns accompany the sound of military grade dress shoes inside the prestigious Heroes Hall. Two booming double doors are pressed open to reveal the world’s only hope against tyranny and doom.

Gripping both Tag Team Title belts, clad in green and purple armor that signifies everything good in this world, the infamous Anglo Luchador turns to reveal his face to a chorus of optimistic cheers. The next to step into the frame is Golden Boy, Sebastian Gold, with yellow and black exoskeletal armor before positioning the Alias title over his shoulder. The last hero to come to attention is the Northern Light, clad in red and yellow, gripping three hotdogs in one hand and a massive meat mallet in the other. 

“Heroes…” the redhead in a military uniform is none other than Violent Purple. “We need your help.”

She slides a folder with the words TOP SECRET on the front across the long cedar table in what looks to be their WAR room. TAL flips it open as the others peer over his shoulders before all looking up in unison and nod with acceptance. VP nods and watches as the Heroes bound upward, ripping through the ceiling of the complex before they head into orbit. She pulls out a secure cellphone.

“Hey Randy,” she nods. “Yep, they did it again.”

Suddenly, the roof comes back in and lands at VP’s feet. It’s Crash again.

“Forgot somethin’,” he leans in and gives VP the kiss of the century. “Bye, babe.”

VP can’t even blink before he bolts up again and through the roof again. She looks up to see there are three holes now. She smiles and shakes her head.

Elsewhere, our heroes land with choreographed landing stances to the tune of Charlie’s Angels. But they quickly shift their posture once they see the global threat waiting for them. In a scene of a chaotic destruction, the scourge known as the Red Army has manifested itself into nightmare fuel. 

Fifty thousand Kenny Freeman and Randall Schwartz soldiers ravage the lands ahead with nonsensical battlecries you could only understand if you purchased that information through an infomercial. 

Admiral Rose moves around in flashes, her super speed and killer instinct on full display under the shadow cast of the land. 

Ivan the Bear, towering so high that he blocks out the sun for miles, booms out a laugh as he stomps into the mantle of the planet, sending shockwaves directly at the Heroes.

“Hi guys.”

The newest scoundrel to succumb to their corrupt influence on the world stands behind them, dressed as the Pineapple Bruh, before shapeshifting into a Bryan Dawkins clad in red and yellow and smells like death and dirty dicks. Rose flashes in and out, snagging the Bruhmrade with her, just as the shockwave sends our three Heroes on the ride of their life.

🎥

Osaka One week later…

“Nobody’s Heroes? Over my dead body.” Sebastian mutters to himself as he inserts another coin into the machine.  “TAL can’t tell me what to do. He’s not my dad.”

He hums his own secret super superhero theme and spins the coin mechanism. A PLOP follows and Gold rushes to grab the opaque plastic ball from the dispenser.  He pops the plastic ball open to reveal…

“YES! I got the whole team!”

He stares excitedly at a tiny plastic figurine wearing a yellow and gold jacket and a headband that says “GOLDEN.” All in all, Sebastian thought his knockoff GACHA toy was pretty solid, even with the attached sticker reading “Flaming Stuntperson.” The ‘flaming’ better be a reference to Colossus, he thought as he inserted more yen and took another spin of the wheel.

He places the plastic Sebastian on the floor next to two other figures, one wearing hot-dog themed gear with the sticker reading “American Dog” and the other a bright green and purple masked wrestler named “Masked Colonizer.”

The three tchotchkes stand together on the arcade floor, an impenetrable team of bros, Gold thinks.

“Look at these guys.  Who’s to say we’re ‘Nobody’s Heroes.’ We’re gonna be everyone’s heroes!”

TAL was pushing for Nobody’s Heroes as our name since Rich said it, but Gold figured his mask was on too tight. He didn’t sacrifice his body at Colossus or pull off an impossible victory against Bryan Dawkins just to be Nobody’s Hero?

Sebastian figured it was because TAL didn’t know what it was to truly be a hero for nobody. That was the life Gold ran away from. As a stuntman, you put your body through every hell, so a guy with coiffed hair and no bruises looks like a superstar. Nah, those bruises are yours, and you’re expected to suffer them in silence, without even a red carpet to kill the pain.

I’m not going back there. He thinks. If I’m going to destroy my body…

He closes his eyes and puts himself back in the moment. The Gold Crush sends Dawkins through the table. Seb doesn’t even see Max but makes the cover out of vain hope that ends up being real. When the ref’s count hit ‘three’ the roar of the crowd hit him like a truck. He would’ve broken into tears if not for how happy he was. No matter how his Alias reign went, Sebastian would always hold onto that moment when he raised a real championship belt for the first time and an entire arena lost their voices screaming for him. He had arrived.

Now the offers were pouring in and he was taking every single one. Ads, conventions, children’s birthday parties, Gold’s brother was booking the champ solid. They had to strike while the iron was hot. They needed the money too much not to.

But Gold didn’t mind. This former washed-up nobody was now beloved by more people than he ever thought possible.

And TAL wants to take me back to that? He thinks.

I won’t go back to being Nobody. I’ve come too far.

Across from the plastic Heroes, Gold has lined up two other figures, a giant, suspendered man named “Communist Santa” and smaller figure in dark rose-colored gear whose sticker read “Woman with Problems.”

Almost done. Only one more to complete the other team. UGH. Can’t believe I’m about to spend good yen on Comrade Pineapple.

Yet spend yen he did and after [redacted] more tries, he cracks open the right plastic ball to reveal:

“What the fuck?”

Dawkins’ figure, “Man with Tropical Pants,” was shredded to hell with his hair coiffed like one of the movie stars Gold used to double for. Gold is shocked and appalled.

Is…Is Dawkins’ knock-off hotter than mine????? Gold seethes.

He scopes the area to make sure no one’s watching, then chucks the offending piece of plastic into the trash where it lands alongside a pile of plastic old men bearing the sticker “Tumorous Elder.”

Where Nobodies belong, Sebastian thinks.  He gathers the remaining figurines, one for each member of their big match, sans a certain Hawaiian, and heads to the bubble tea stand where the Heroes are meeting.

🏯

TAL and Crash are already getting their boba on when Sebastian arrives as VP sits at the very end of the bench, unsure of everything except for the familiar faces who don’t treat her like a rug.  The stuntman proudly lays out his new PRIME knock-off collection for the bros, then folds his arms.

“Now, come on, guys do these do-gooders look like Nobody’s Heroes to you?  Or do they look like Super-Awesome Brotastic Badasses? That’s my suggestion for our name, by the way. It’ll go great on T-Shirts!”

TAL wonders what the fuck is wrong with the younger generation. Crash picks up his figurine and playfully tosses it in the air.

“These are super cute, bro! Where’s the one for Dawk-”

“They didn’t have one.” Sebastian snaps.

TAL and Crash shoot each other a look. Both get the idea it’s best to move past it. Crash picks up his bubble tea and offers it to Purps.  She flinches away violently, slapping it out of his hand and all over the floor, before switching to the other side of the table quickly and gritting her teeth.

It’s gonna take time, bro… a lot of fuckin’ time.

“How’s she been doing?” TAL asks.

The Northern Light shows in the Luchador his eyes. They’re tired and angry and on the cusp of watering out to the point all these kids would start laughing at him and probably end up in him fighting twenty plus teenagers on foreign soil. TAL gives a solemn nod before Crash rips his gaze away, knowing that a sincere gesture might open the floodgates just the same right now.

“To be honest with you, bro…” Crash gives a shrug riddled in frustration. “I have no fuckin’ clue. She doesn’t talk. She doesn’t eat. I even tried cutting her hot dogs up, dude. I’m glad she’s back and safe…”

Somebody’s gotta pay for this.

“It’s the not knowing, bro,” Crash talks but stays focused on VP as she scans the room diligently. “Whatever happened to her to make her like this… it had to be reeeeeal fuckin’ bad, boys.”

When Crash turns back to make eye contact with TAL and Gold, they’re not the same as they last saw. They’re locked in now with a focus of a magnifying glass in the goddamn sun and it’s lit a fire deep, deep down.

Fire that’s been burnin’ for nearly a year now.

“And it wouldn’t have happened to her if it weren’t for me,” he delivers the set up. “All because I wouldn’t back down from Max. So that sick fuck took it out on her. Sent her away to do only God knows what to her and beat the soul out of her. Max knew I would come for him, too… so he did exactly what Dawkins did.”

Ran and hid behind the biggest baddies in the land, man.

Sebastian and TAL want to offer words of support and help him realize it’s not his fault. This whole ordeal circles back to the mastery Max Kael has at creating chaos and not respecting anything as sacred in his goal to do so. But the Hot Dog Hero stands up, fueled by this fire of vengeance and retribution, and points at the metaphorical Red Army.

“You guys know exactly who we have to blame for this,” they all nod in agreement. “And now we’ve got our chance to make those assholes feel the heat from their dirty deeds, dudes.”

Sebastian slams his fist on the table and the figurines go flying.

“Time for another tantrum?” TAL yawns.

“Sure!” Gold shrugs. “Why not!”

He picks up Ivan’s figurine with contempt.

“Coral Avalon was maybe the greatest Universal Champion this company will ever see and you all saw what Ivan did to him! Not a single shred of respect for Avalon, for the belt, a full goddamn travesty. Flipped my entire world upside-down and I haven’t been set right since. He has no right to have that belt. He has no right to call himself ‘locker room leader,’ the only thing he leads people to is their release day.”

In the other hand, he picks up the knock off Rose.

“And Rose, guess I should feel sorry for her, but I can’t. Sure she’s not serving Ivan of her own will but let’s not forget she wanted to run the Army herself. She knew exactly what she was signing up for when she challenged him. Is she being exploited? Absolutely. Is it because she wanted to exploit others and failed? Bet your ass. She’s no better than the rest of them and she’ll end up ground into mulch for the Army’s growth. Fucked around, found out, didn’t even get a t-shirt.”

The barista calls his number and Gold chucks both TRA figurines in the trash.

“What a waste.”

Gold picks up his bright purple milk tea from the counter and stabs a wide straw into the foil-covered cup like a dagger.

“So to sum up, our ‘locker room leaders’ are a bootlicking stooge, a mentally borderline time bomb, and the big red parasite who's sucking them both dry, do I have that right?

“Can’t forget Kenny,” Crash interjects.

“No! We can!” Gold yells, his face going red. “I can’t, guys. I can’t just sit here when Dawkins is…I didn’t think Dawkins was like them…Now he’s accusing me of stealing his belt when he helped Ivan steal Coral’s? We gotta show ‘em, we’re the new White Knights, we’re the good guys the Primates have been waiting for! Not some snot-nosed Nobodies who with a name like that are gonna get forced into the background again!”

Sebastian doesn’t notice the cover wrapper on his bubble tea had already been torn apart by nervous fingers when he slams his bubble tea on the table at full force. Ube milk tea erupts like a volcano over the table, drenching all and knocking the hero's figurines to the floor.

The crew sit in silence, dripping purple diary.

“Sorry…” Sebastian mutters.

“You good?” Tom asks.

Sebastian nods.

“Yeah, ready to listen to me?”

“You both have got your hearts in the right place. I get it. I used to think the same, that being a hero was all about being someone for the crowd. Hell, I wanted to call myself a ‘paladin’ because I needed people to know ‘Hey I’m the good guy! I mean good!’ Turns out that’s how it works. People know you mean good when you do good, no matter how shiny your title. It’s about doing the right work, the right way, and we can do that because we don’t serve Nobody. And that includes ourselves. Trust a man who’s made that mistake. It doesn’t turn out well.”

Sebastian can’t argue.  He thinks of Rob and how he came into his life announcing himself as a savior. Did any good come out of that? Crash’s brain is swirling with similar thoughts about Max and Dawkins.

“Besides,” Tom continues. “I think you boys’ll find the real stuff, the important stuff, happens when Nobody’s watching.

TAL points to a cleaned spot on the table.  While Sebastian and Crash weren’t looking, Violent Purple picked up the three figurines from the floor and placed them next to each other where they belonged.

A Bro…Crash thinks. Irony of everyone bein’ one is that I don’t have many myself. And I didn't...I wasn’t able to do a lot of things, cuz I didn’t have any bros, you know?

He looks at the three figures.

I got bros now though who know how to throw when we gotta go.

"Nobody's Heroes,” Crash nods. “I dig it."

So let’s fuckin’ go, bros.

🎥 🤼🌭

Osaka Present Day

Thomas Battaglia is a father, first and foremost. Now he has two new additions to his family. He wasn’t used to raising kids over twenty six years old, but a father’s job is never truly over.  He had guidance to give these two so he’ll give it and hope to God they listen more than he did at their age.

Now it’s a new day.  The old heroes were once great but they’ve been felled by the Army and new ones must rise to take their place. Thank God these new kids have somebody who's not gonna let them make the same mistakes.

Someone to remind them not to get too caught up in the lights and the cheers, those will dim in time.

As long as we cling together and fight for what’s right even when no one’s watching.

Even if we’re Nobodies.

We’ll still be Heroes.