Will Success Spoil Sebastian Gold? (I/III)

Hate to admit it, but sometimes I wish I could go back to being a nobody.

Expectations don't exist when you're a nobody. Now I'm a proper noun Nobody, and my family's new main provider. I knew all that pressure would be heavy.

I had no idea how much.

Put it in perspective. A year ago, I was an addict. My biggest accomplishment was staying sober for six months. Really. I got applause from my Group.

A month ago, I was a loser. I was so eager to show off and prove myself as a wrestler I tried too hard. Didn't play things smart. I let a washed-up Legend dig his way into my skull and set up camp. So I lost. Again. And again. And again.

Then Rob Williams set me on fire.

I remember laying in that hospital bed after Colossus, the third-degree burns on my back, intense pain stabbing through the painkiller's fog. And I made a plan to quit.

I was gonna march into Lindsay Troy's office, apologize for wasting her time, and ask if she could rec me a development fed because clearly I wasn't ready for PRIME time.

Then my brother started talking. About me. How I'd hurt him. 

It's one of the worst truths you face as an addict. You were never only harming yourself. There's always collateral.

I realized then that I'd broken my family and it was my responsibility to mend it. 

That was three months ago.

Now, I'm the Alias champion and a founding member of PRIME's hottest new stable. I get roars from thousands of fans at the Tokyo Dome. I get handwritten fanmail, lines for my autograph, and a sponsorship from a Japanese energy drink that's just pure caffeine with a whisper of yuzu (it's perfect).

My brother Dio set that last one up for me. I had no idea how much money I was leaving on the table before he became my manager. He's booked me commercials, conventions, podcasts, you name it. Sebastian Gold is in everything, everywhere (all at once!) and it's...

It's great! It really is.

I won't be one of those chumps that bitches about his dreams coming true.

But...I always think winning a championship would make me feel like a champion.

Instead, I'm still just me.

Now with so much more to lose.

********************

California, USA A week after Manhunt

I'm driving along one of my hometown's two streets. Dio's in the passenger's seat, trying to shift the conversation.

"Can we move your Monday training? Harlan's got a tryout." He asks.

"Yeah, whatever. Don't dodge my question."

"I'm avoiding because I don't need you to stress any more than you are - oh, take a right up there. It's faster."

Always the backseat driver.

"Lyra's gonna be over the moon to see you," he says.

Fine. He's not gonna answer one awkward question, so I'll ask another.

"And...Angie. Does your wife still hate me?"

"Look, after what her mother tried to pull-"

"-that was fucking crazy-"

"-I mean, Bash, you saved us. She told me herself. She didn't believe you'd changed, but my bro. My Hero. You have.""

Dio, his wife Angie, and their young daughter Lyra had to move in with Angie's mom after my brother got laid off. Tita (Auntie) Batbat was a paranoid woman with a paranoid Facebook feed. She'd already given them hell for having Lyra vaxxed. But they had nowhere else to go.

Until one day, a few days after Manhunt. While Dio and I were wrapping up a commercial shoot in Japan, his mother-in-law was preparing to take Lyra to a measles party instead of school. Thank fucking god that girl's a snitch.

But that was the last straw. Angie did her best to stay calm. She drove her daughter to school, dropped her off, and parked herself in a gas station, homeless.

I got her a hotel once we could connect, of course. Found an affordable rental through an old actor friend of mine who'd gone into real estate (it's what they all end up doing).

We're back in the States now, helping with the move.

It's an embarrassing thing to say, but I've never been relied on before. Not truly. It's nice. It's heavy.

Let's see if I can handle more.

"Now, back to the original question. Be real with me. How much does my value go down if I drop the belt?" I ask.

"You won't."

"Enough to cover this place till the end of the school year, right?"

Dio pauses. We pull into the rental's driveway.

"It could be tough without it," Dio admits. I breathe as the weight piles on. "But we'd figure something out."

This is a mistake.

Who do I think I am? I can't do this. I can't-

"TITO BAN-BAN!!!" Lyra's voice cuts through my fog like a whistle, pointing the way home.

Oh yeah, that's who I am.

I got this.

I have to.

They're all counting on me.

“FREEDOOOOM!” Dio yells. I park the car and Dio bounds out of the passenger's seat to hug his daughter.  Angie comes out the house and gives me a polite, but warm embrace. I never believed she could look at me without hatred. Sobriety really can bring a family together.

My shoulder's still tweaking from Dawkins almost yanking out my arm at Manhunt, so I get to be on babysitting duty.  This will mostly mean playing airplane.  She likes air-time just as much as her Tito Ban-Ban.

This is it, I think. When people say they're content, this what they mean. Hoisting your niece on your shoulders and making plane noises while her parents do all the heavy lifting. And you also get to be the Hero? In the immortal words of Crash Jackson, "I dig it."

********************

Angie and I both see it on his face. Something's happened. Something serious. Angie takes Lyra inside. I get closer and try to discern who's on the other end. It sounds like...shit.

"Is mom okay??" I ask in an anxious whisper. Dio shushes me.

"Mmm-hmm," he mumbles into the phone.. "He's right here. I'll talk to him."

He hangs up. It's mom, I know it is. Dad's shown up again, broke, new girlfriend, she gives what she has every time. We don't understand it. I'm not gonna boo-hoo and whine about how shitty a father he was, if you could even call him that. I don't remember much fathering. Hatred? I remember that. Girlfriends, mistresses? Remember them too.

I remember being fifteen and picking up a drunk loser from a motel at 1 in the morning. He'd insist the whole ride home it was all a joke. Wouldn't pass out till I pretended to laugh. It was his way of pretending he was harmless. Just a funny jerkass. You can justify a lot cruelty playing the fool.

The last I saw him, he was telling me I needed to move out. Something about becoming a real man. Reality was he didn't like his son holding another boy's hand.

"What happened? Did she give him money again?" I press Dio.

"Bash-"

"I heard her voice on the phone. She only calls when it's about mom!"

"It's not her!"

I exhale.

"So...mom's fine?"

"Yeah. It's Dad...His girlfriend found him in a hotel room. He took something and apparently he's in a bad way. She doesn't wanna deal with it."

Dio pauses. He knows the weight of what he's about to ask of me.

"You need to pick him up."

********************

I haven't spoken to him in a decade.

And this is how it happens. Why wouldn't it be?

I walk past the other rooms on the hot asphalt. The doors are painted ghastly burnt orange as best you can tell from what that's left.

I go his room. His door. I knock. Nothing about this feels real.

Sebastian: Hey dad? You in there?

The man that opens the door sure looks like my dad.  But when did he get so...delicate. He's older than his years. Hair's almost gone. A wobble in his legs. He doesn't walk the same anymore. The anger I braced myself for that doesn't come.

I couldn't be angry at something so pathetic.

Dad: Bani? My boy!

He hits my arm like a father and embraces me.

Dad: You look good. Come in, come in.

Sebastian: Uh, Dad, I'm supposed to take you home. What'd you take last night?

Dad: Nothing strange. Everyone's overracting! I'm righter than kids half my age. Kids these days, brains rotted on YipYap and TokTok-

Sebastian: Yeah, I'm sure. Look can we get goin-

Dad: Why the rushing? It's been ten years you don't fifteen more minutes? We've got catching up to do!

Dad limps over to a threadbare fabric chair and collapses into it. I get the sense I'm not going anywhere else anytime soon.

Dad: All the guys talk about you, Bani. They watch you on TV, the whole community!

Sebastian: Really?

Dad: Well, once you started winning.

Sebastian: Right, so just now, then?

Dad: You've got the whole neighborhood on your side. You're repping us as a strong pinoy, I couldn't be prouder.

The word hits like a bullet. It cracks a wall inside I thought was solid. Nothing could've prepared me for this. My voice shakes.

Sebastian: You...you re-really watch me? And you're proud of me?

He sighs and gives me a rare, withered smile.

Dad: I fucked up with you, son. And all I can so is 'I'm sorry.' I was stupid, ignorant. I took all the hatred I had inside and let it on you. I was no father to you. I...I have no idea how difficult it must've been.

Sebastian: It's okay...

Dad: No it's not. Anything you've meaning to say, whatever you've been holding behind those walls, let it out. So what you've always wanted to say to me.

Sebastian: I…I hate you. I hate you so, so much that it’s eaten away parts of me that will never grow back. And it’s not because you treated me like shit; I hate you because you convinced me I deserved it. You taught me I deserved to be treated like nothing. And I believed. So worked all my life to become somebody. I threw myself off buildings. Broke every bone in my body and then went into business hurting people. I thought it was all to spite you, but it wasn’t. It was just to get your attention.

I won't let him see me get emotional. I start pacing.

Sebastian: Which, hey, I guess I finally got. I’m Somebody now, right? A big fat Somebody. So explain to me, why the second they stop chanting my name, I become nothing again. That’s the black hole you made in me. An endless vacuum of need. I need the applause, the fanmail, the big shiny belt on my shoulder. Maybe it’s pathetic but those things let me know that I’ve earned the right to be loved that day.

I pause. His expression hasn't changed. I brace for the anger and defensiveness I'm used to. It doesn't come.

Sebastian: You loved me, right?

The questions seems to sadden him. He casts his gaze across derelict motel room. I know why he's taking his time. Liars always do when they have to the truth. It doesn't come natural.

Dad: Of course I did, Bani. Even when I was angry. I only...I had bad ways of showing it. But you kids were my world. I loved you all so much it scared me. I gave into that fear. Ran away in every direction there is.

He leans forward.

Dad: Don't be me. I see the same fears in you but the difference is you're stronger. You may stumble under the weight at first but you'll find your footing.

Sebastian: And if I fail? If lose the Alias on my first defense? They won't forgive me again if I fuck up, I know they won't, I kn-

Dad: Calm down. You think losing your title would chase your family away? You think it would make you less worthy of love?

I consider my words.

Sebastian: Of course.

My hands are shaking. He puts a gently hand over mine and it calms down.

Dad: I love you.

Hey says.

Dad: I love you.

Hey says again.

I cast my gaze around the room. None of this feels real.

Dad: I love you.

The traffic outside gets louder. A siren blares from somewhere else. I'm breathing heavy now. The wall he cracked is breaking and so am I. The best response I muster is a choked and helpless:

Sebastian: Why?

Dad: Because I'm your Dad.

The room starts to fall apart like a film set unbuilding itself. The furniture breaks down into parts, the walls are rolled away into storage. Studio lights are turned off until it's only Sebastian and Dad in a pool of light.

Dio (voiceover): Bani? Did you hear me?

I wave goodbye as the daydream ends, and store it away for later.

This will have to do, I think as I float back down to earth.

********************

I'm back now. This is reality, I remind myself. Even if it doesn't feel real.

"So....uh....His-his girlfriend found him?"

"Yeah. Um. They don't what exactly what he took, but it was enough to stop his heart."

"We know it's him?"

"He’s gone, Bani," Dio says. "Dad’s dead."

The shock wears off for both us around the same time. And I'm overwhelmed.

No.

No. It’s not right. I think, a new feeling overtaking my body.

I meet Dio’s eyes and I can tell he feels it too. I hug by brother and hold him close. We sob into each other’s shoulders.

Not from grief.

But from a thousand muscles we didn’t know where tensed releasing at once like.

No. It’s not right, I think again.

It's not right the first we felt after dad died was lighter.

********************

Most of the conversation is Dio and Angie telling Lyra how much they love her. Dio tells he her loves so many times it gets annoying, even for me. Lyra doesn't seem to notice. Love for her, was common loot. I want tell her to appreciate it, but decide against it.

Let her take love for granted.

Let her assume her family will always be there.

Let her biggest problem be the color of her new room.

It's a new day.

The family Sebastiàn has a clean slate.

Let's paint it Gold.

********************

I didn't break all of it, but plenty of the cracks are mine.

You don’t seem like a nice guy. Not someone I'd usually connect with.

But I see from your socials that you’re a father, a provider. I'll admit I never appreciated fathers much. I had no idea, the weight you carry.

Every step I take now has consequences. Not only for me, but for my family, for my Heroes and for my legacy.

Despite behaving like a jerkass woobie, I know you feel the same weight. I know you want to do right to those you love.

It's overwhelming, right? Like you're staring down a cliffside with no harness, no bungie, no inflatable crash pad to break your fall. I've jumped off actual cliffsides, and this is somehow scarier.

And what's worse? I understand now why my dad ran away from it all. It wasn't because he hated me. It was because he was a coward. He could never face any of his failures so he destroyed himself.

And I get it.

When I was Bayani Sebastiàn, I ran from all my problems. I drank to numb myself from the fear, till the pressure was gone, and me with it. There was a time I was truly my father's son.

Never again.

I'm Sebastian fucking Gold. Alias Champion. Winner of the Belmont Classic and barely a year out of training. I never back down, even when Rob Williams did his worst, even when Bryan Dawkins tried to break my arm at Manhunt...even when my father kicked me out.

I shone through.

So I hope I've made it clear. I've come too far and lost too much to not see this through I will see this title reign to it's end, Mr. Lynch. Especially not some woobie who sees this belt as only a "stepping stone."

Where's your imagination? This title is a jetpack, jerkass. It's strapped to my back and I'm gonna ride it higher than you can imagine, faster than you ever thought possible.

Nothing personal.

But I have reign to complete.

A family to fix.

A legacy to build.

So that one, when my time comes. 

And I’m long gone.

The ones I loved will think of me, and smile.