BROfessor

A week before ReVival 65

Las Vegas, NV

"Jesus fuckin' Christ, those god-damn beach boys are smokin' upstairs again!!"

In a garage apartment somewhere in the Las Vegas suburbs, our most excellent Wizards of WAVErly Place find themselves, once again, floating somewhere between Jupiter and Neptune.

This is not just any garage apartment, though.

This is the garage apartment of Lindsay Troy and Wade Elliott.

You see, our Heroes of the Halfpipe found themselves evicted from their apartment, and asked their good friend Ami Troy for some help. Ami, being resourceful and kindhearted, suggested the boys stay at her mom’s and future stepdad’s.

After all, she had a key, and knew the Queen wouldn’t kick them out on the street.

Not when it meant pissing off Ned Reform.

Wade, however, didn’t quite see it that way.

Wade Elliott: Don't you start with me, god-damnit, I saw them sneak that fuckin' bong up th'steps, it's shaped like a fuckin' rocket ship!

Bowie Abrams: Wadeasaurus is pissed again, bro.

Bowie Abrams has his eyes glued to the TV and a gigantic bag of Smartfood in his lap. The scene he’s watching is much different than the BROchelor Pad; there, on the screen, is an office filled floor to ceiling with books. File cabinets, a corkboard with notes, flyers, and reminders pinned to it, and a desk covered with paperwork complements the scene, and two men - one with sandy-brown hair and youthful exuberance; the other with thinning hair, a salt and pepper beard, and quiet wisdom - sit facing and talking with each other.

Bowie Abrams: Bro, you ever, like, wonder if maybe we missed our calling?

On the screen, the older man, Dr. Sean Maguire, recounts the exact date he knew he had met the love of his life: October 21, 1975. Game 6 of the World Series between the Boston Red Sox and the Cincinnati Reds.

Bradlee Nelson: What do you mean, dude?

Sitting next to his best bro on the planet, Bradlee furiously mashes his fingers against his Nintendo Switch controller, not bothering to look up.

Bowie Abrams: I dunno. Like. Maybe we coulda been baseball players.

As Dr. Maguire recounts the game, the camera quickly cuts-to an enthralled Will Hunting.

Bradlee’s button-mashing gets a little more intense.

Bradlee Nelson: Dude, if we became baseball players, then we never would have opened our head shop from all the merch we sold when you had to face the sad thicc butt bro. And if we never opened the head shop, then we never would have met Ami-broette. And if we never met Ami-broette, then we’d never have these sweet ass digs.

Bowie Abrams: But bro, if we became baseball players, then we could afford our own place. Not to mention, we’d have way more money and we wouldn’t have had to rely on those merch sales. Plus, you wouldn’t have lost all your MECCA tokens to the Wicked Stinky Cheese Man, because we never would have met him…

At this, Bradlee stops playing his Switch and screams:

Bradlee Nelson: VITOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Bowie Abrams: All I’m saying bro is that maybe we coulda been like this Fisk guy.

Bradlee Nelson: VITOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Bowie Abrams: Yeah… and like… the guy who knows this Fisk guy is really smart…

Bradlee Nelson: VITOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Bowie knows Bradlee will stop this at some point and continues on.

Bowie Abrams: And like, we should totally go meet him. He’s like a professor and stuff dude.

He does, in fact, finally stop and picks the Nintendo Switch backup and shakes it at Bowie.

Bradlee Nelson: Wait… like the BROfessor?

Bowie Abrams: Yeah dude, he’s THEE BROfessor of BROfessor’s.

Bradlee Nelson: Then we gotta go find him.

—----------------

The streets of Boston are cramped and awful for the boys from Pocatello, Idaho. The gray spring sky overhead mists down ice cold rain, the Bros are equipped in electric yellow hoodies, that are soaked and stuck to their chests. Their long, soaked through hair is strung across their faces as they trudge forward into the time of day it currently is in Boston, because nobody can tell, because they haven’t seen the sun in like a week.

Bradlee Nelson: Bro, they seemed a little mad about the star destroyer 3000.

Bowie Abrams: Yeah, I mean, she said we could smoke it outside. So that was kinda cool.

Bradlee Nelson: Wadeleupagus, dudes got the hairiest arms I’ve ever seen.

The streets begin to blur together, lefts become rights, rights become lefts, crosswalks are mandatory but confusing to follow. Stop, Go, Stop, Go. It never ends, the shops are all the same.

Bowie Abrams: I can’t believe he paid for these plane tickets to Boston, though dude. Like, how rad is he?

Bradlee Nelson: I think I heard him hope we get lost.

Bowie Abrams: I’ve watched Goodbro Hunting like eight times dude, I know where we’re going.

Bradlee Nelson: I think this is like the fourth time we passed that Dunkin’ Donuts dude.

Bradlee points to an aimless orange blur as he walks by, then the building beside it.

Bowie Abrams: I mean, are you sure? I thought it was a different Dunkin’, like the last one the door opened on the left, ya know?

Bradlee Nelson: I dunno dude, like, how many Dunkin’s and Citizen Bank’s can one city really have?

Bowie Abrams: I dunno bro. I think a lot.

Bowie, ever determined, continues forward, forcing Bradlee to follow. The BROspn allows the determination of Bowie to flow through Bradlee and force him back on task.

Bradlee Nelson: Think the BROfessor is even going to help us dude?

Bowie Abrams: He has to bro, he has to.

Bradlee and Bowie finally arrive in front of Bunker Hill Community College, just as all hope seems to leave our bodacious boys, the destination appears. It’s no mirage, Bowie Abrams somehow wandered his way precisely to the place he needed to be. Of course he would.

Bradlee Nelson: We go in there?

Bowie Abrams: Yeah, dude?

Bradlee Nelson: It’s like a school, dude.

Bowie Abrams: Yeah man.

Bradlee Nelson: I thought professors were just in labs dude.

Bowie Abrams: C’mon bro, professors are at schools too.

Onward they charge up the flights of stairs. Through the maze of students entering and exiting. Bowie leads the way and charges through whipping his blonde hair. The building looks nothing like it does in Goodwill Hunting, why the hell would it? But this is the place the BROfessor works, and thats all that he really cares about anyway. Forward they walk/charge/broarge? You know, the heroes get where they need to be. Right to the front desk. A young lady looks up at the two red eyed, rat looking freaks her best little customer service smile.

ReceptaBra: How can I help you two…

The stink of a wet man who clearly walked way too far today, stale reefer, and more gross wetness is a lot for her to take and she takes a step back.

Bowie Abrams: Yeah, we’re like, looking for the BROfessor. You know, like a bear, some hair, that twinkle in his eye.

ReceptaBra: There’s a lot of professors with beards and hair…

Bradlee Nelson: He means, you know, like the one with the cool lab. He’s got like fire types and wat…

Bowie Abrams: No dude, he’s like, you know. Cool, and has an office. And he’s you know. He teaches that real smart kid stuff. He teaches the Psych…

Bradlee Nelson: Bro, I wish he had a psychic type up in there. I’d wreck so hard…

Bowie Abrams: He’s like a Psychicologist or something… ya know…

The eye roll is deep, the sigh is long.

ReceptaBra: He teaches Psychology?

Bowie Abrams: YEAH! And like, you know, that kid who is real smart talks to him and he like, fixes the geniusbro. I need to talk to that guy.

Another deep sigh, this job probably isn’t worth it, but her parents told her since she failed out of her first college she needed to get a job and keep it if she wanted them to pay for community college. So here she was, listening to these two stoned dipshits.

ReceptaBra: The guy from Goodwill Hunting? First, that’s a movie. Second, Robin Williams, the man who played him, is dead, and they spread his ashes in the San Francisco Bay. Don’t ask me why I remember that. But I do.

The BROs are stunned. They’ve come all this way… walked this far… only to find out the BROfessor is totally wiped out.

ReceptaBra: You leave, now. Just so you know.

Bradlee Nelson: Oh, yeah, totally… Our bad. Sorry about the BROfessor and all…

A tear slowly slides down Bowie’s cheek.

Bowie Abrams: Yeah, totally…

The two pull their hoods back up and scamper away. Quickly. She seemed pretty irritated.

Bradlee Nelson: She’d give Wade a run for his money.

They mumble as they stumble through the automatic open doors and back onto the campus grounds. They trudge across the muddy grass, looking for the quickest way out of dodge.

Bowie Abrams: Yeah, she was really mad… like, sorry, I didn’t know you were close with the BROfessor…

Bradlee Nelson: Bro…

Bowie Abrams: Yeah…

Bradlee Nelson: Think we can get to San Francisco?

The two stumble their way through the muddy grass.

Bowie Abrams: Why dude, he’s dead.

Bradlee Nelson: Bro, I know how to talk to dead people…

Bowie Abrams: No way, dude.

Bradlee wheels and stops Bowie’s steps.

Bradlee Nelson: No bro, we gotta go to San Francisco, and we gotta talk to the BROfessor. So we’re going to go talk to him. Call Wade. Tell him we’re either coming home or going to San Francisco.

Bowie Abrams: Dude…

Bradlee Nelson: Do it…

—------------------------------------

Our bodacious brofessor hunters are in their wetsuits. Flashes of orange, gold, and yellow illuminate their faces. Driftwood from the latest storm is stacked in a cone, and is burning a massive flame.

Bradlee Nelson: You feel it dude?

Bowie Abrams: Yeah bro, it’s warm.

Bradlee Nelson: Yeah, but like, the fabric of reality is thinner near the fire, and like, if we stand near it, it’ll make us go closer to the other realm.

Bowie Abrams: Yeah, bro…

The Bodacious Bradlee, passes another large milligram edible to his best friend in the entire world.

Bradlee Nelson: It’s time dude.

Bowie pops it into his mouth and stares into the flames. He’s already eaten two in the last hour, the third one will be the most he’s ever had. Feet from them, their surfboards are stuck in the sand. Bowie gets to his feet and plucks his out of the Fort Point beach sand. One of the most difficult and dangerous waves in the entire San Francisco Bay area lays out in the water.

Bowie Abrams: It is time…

Bradlee nods, and leaves his kneeling position to pick up his surfboard. In the distance people can be heard shouting about the large fire on the beach, but the boys set off into the surf. Paddling out under the moonlight.

Bradlee Nelson: This one gets the arms burning.

Bowie Abrams: The best ones always do…

As the two arrive at the spot, as if adorned by fate, a magnificent large wave begins to swell and the two begin chasing. Stroke after stroke, and finally they find themselves upright and inside. The wave is long, the peak begins to foam and crest as the two dart themselves lower down into the trough and away from the break of the cold black wave.

They coast under the bay, the rocks begin to show from the foamy water off ahead of them, and they race past the Golden Gate bridge. The edible’s are turned all the way up as Bradlee hesitates for a moment and wipes out. Bowie, ever the brave Bro, ditches out to check on his partner. The two paddle their way in towards the beach through the choppy water.

Bowie Abrams: Bro… that wave…

Bradlee is laying on his board, coughing a bit of cold water up but smiling.

Bradlee Nelson: Did you see him, bro?

Bowie Abrams: I felt him, bro. I felt him. He was like, telling me exactly what to do.

Bradlee Nelson: Yeah dude, I saw it all. Like, the heavens, the earth, the BROfessor, BROeaunu Reaves, that Powerslam Anubis dude was gonna judge me…

Bowie looks at Bradlee, stunned.

Bowie Abrams: Woah, dude.

Bradlee Nelson: Yeah, dude.

Bowie Abrams: What’d you learn?

Bradlee Nelson: That I should stop telling Pikachu to tackle, Anubis told me it was just playing the game wrong. He’s pretty smart.

Bowie Abrams: Well, the BROfessor answered my prayers too dude… and we’re gonna smash those pencil necked geeks.

Bradlee Nelson: Really dude?

Bowie Abrams: Maybe, bro.

The two paddle their way back to the beach and make their way up the surf and into the sand. As they make their way up the beach, Bradlee has one last question for Bowie.

Bradlee Nelson: Think Wade changed the locks?

Bowie Abrams: Definitely bro, that’s why I made sure all the windows were unlocked.

Bradlee Nelson: You’re getting smarter, dude.

Bowie Abrams: I know.

A knowing nod, the bros give each other a solid fist pound and finish walking up the beach. Both with a little more joy in their wonderfully brodacious hearts.