Will Success Spoil Sebastian Gold: The Musical! (II/III)

Darkness.

Lights up on a bare stage with a grand, ornate proscenium.

Dio Sebastiàn enters, bags under his eyes, hair ruffled, shirt wrinkled. He’s been better.

Dio: We’ll start at the very beginning, a very good place to start. I’m Bash’s brother, his business manager. I’m the one who deals with the reality of logistics while he smiles for the cameras and jumps from inadvisable places. So, when our father died, the reality fell on me. “Arrange the funeral, Dio.” On top of arranging the Heroes' accommodations in Canada, trying to book an ad shoot in Winnipeg, plus Bash’s Training Coach got signed and left us in the lurch. I had to find someone last minute who could prepare him for his defense against Sage.

Spotlight on Bash, ice packs strapped to both his arms/shoulders. He raises a bottle of water and winces.

Sebastian (whispers): fuck…

Dio: Dawkins had messed up his shoulder at Manhunt. Lynch made it worse. He was depending on me to come through with a good coach…and uh…well, you’ll hear him before you see him.

Lights up on the rest of the stage, we’re in a wrestling gym. Bash is lying down on the apron.

Sebastian: Do we have a funeral day yet?

Dio: No.

Sebastian: Have we even told the cousins?

Dio: Oh, everyone knows. But no, no official family announcement.

Sebastian: Can you get on that?

Dio starts sobbing. He hides his face.

Sebastian: Are you okay?

Dio: Yeah, yeah.

Dio turns back around, the wave over.

Dio: Can't place why. I don’t miss him. Awful, but I don’t. Still, I get these waves of grief. They come out of nowhere like a duststorm and take over for a few seconds. You don’t get those?

Sebastian (flat): I just want this over with. Where’s this new coach? You said Colton rec’d him?

Dio: Yeah, he-

Dio turns to the audience.

Dio: Then we heard it: the voice.

A lovely tenor wafts into the gym:

???: 🎶 I REALLY NEED THIS JOB

PLEASE, GOD, I NEED THIS JOB

I’VE GOT TO GET THIS JOOOOOB 🎶

Sebastian sits up.

Sebastian: Dio. Why is my new coach singing A Chorus Line?

The door to the gym bursts open to reveal SAMMY BROADWAY, clad in a sparkling tuxedo/tails combo with matching gear underneath. Behind him, a small phone speaker blasts a grand orchestral overture.

Sammy: Fear not! It is I, 🎶 SAMMY BROADWAY! 🎶 Here for my eleven o'clock number!

Dio: It’s 11:13. You're late.

Sammy: Apologies, I needed to prepare an extensive songbook for my tryout.

Sebastian: Songbook?

Sammy: Yes, of course. You find your song, you find your style. What more do you need to win?

Sebastian rolls his eyes and groans.

Dio: Wow, what…uh… a refreshing and unorthodox technique.

Sebastian stands, takes Sammy by the shoulder, and brings him aside to the ring.

Sebastian: Look, Sammy, you seem enthusiastic, and congrats on rehabbing from what Pax did to you. You must be made of strong stuff.

Sammy shakes a bit at the mention of the man who broke both his legs at the Belmont Classic years ago.

Sebastian: But I need someone who can up my mat work game, fast. I barely survived Lynch, and I won't survive Sage Pontiff or Dawkins if I stay all flash. You get what I mean?

Sammy: You think I'm all flash, do you? 

Sebastian looks at the sequined tux this man wore to the gym.

Sebastian: Yes.

Sammy: Then you’d indulge me with a training match?

Sebastian: Sure, I could use a quick workout.

Sammy walks to the center of the ring and takes out his phone.

Sammy: Mr. Conductor! If you please…

He hits Play, and a familiar instrumental track blares at full volume from the phone.

He sings:

 Sammy: 🎶 IT'S THE HARD BUMP LIFE FOR US. 🎶

Sebastian: What are you..

Sammy: 🎶 IT'S THE HARD BUMP LIFE FOR US! 🎶

Sebastian (turning to Dio): Make him stop.

Sammy: 'STEAD OF KISSES, WE GET KICKED!

'STEAD OF CARBOMBS, WE GET WHIPPED!

IT'S A HARD BUMP LIFE!

He falls to one knee and does jazz hands. Dio claps. Sebastian, dumbfounded and cringing inside-out, removes the icepacks from his shoulders.

Sebastian: You warmed up, Broadway?

Sammy: Indeed!

Both men square up.

Sammy: Let’s begin! A FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT!

Ding ding!

Sammy and Sebastian run towards each other and freeze. Dio turns to the audience.

Dio: I’m not allowed to tell you how fast the guy singing Annie choked out the current reigning Alias Champ, but I’ve got the video for blackmail.

He holds up his phone and smiles slyly. It buzzes and he jumps.

Dio: Sorry. More funeral business I’m ignoring. I don’t know why this is so hard, I just…Anyway, Bash hired Broadway the second he came to.

Sammy and Bash unfreeze, smile, and shake hands. Sebastian exits. Sammy approaches Dio.

Dio: So, what’s your availability? I need to get in as many training sessions as possible before the funeral and possibly after in Canada.

Sammy: Funeral?

Dio: Oh yeah, our dad died.

Sammy: I’m sorry for your loss! Should I prepare a ballad?

Dio: Nope! That’s okay. Actually, when you’re around Bash, uh…maybe try not singing? He kinda um…

Sammy: Kinda what?

Dio: …hates musicals…since we were kids. Our mom and sister love them, so he had to sit through Bye Bye Birdie, Annie, Sound of Music, the whole lot as a kid. I think it traumatized him. So uh, no singing, okay?

Sammy: Very well. I shall constrain myself to the art of dance.

Dio: …sure.

Dio’s phone buzzes again. He swears under his breath.

Sammy: Everything alright? Anything I can do to help?

Dio: Are you a funeral director who can work within a…constrained budget?

Sammy: I have a five-octave range and took classes in jazz, tap, and modern?

Dio: Great. I’ll let you know when I need…any of that.

Sammy: I may not know much about directing funerals, but I do know something about getting through hard times. When I was recovering from…the incident, I would imagine the world singing around me, like I was the star of my own musical.

Dio: Isn’t that just how you live?

Sammy: Yes! And aren’t I fabulous!

Dio turns to the audience.

Dio: He had a point. This whole time, I was trying to stay grounded, keep my head out of the clouds. But maybe Sammy’s onto something.

Sammy: Just close your eyes and listen for music.

Dio: I do. And after feeling very stupid for a few seconds…I hear it. A flute. A trumpet. A tuba. An orchestra is warming up. Then I hear a tap tap tap.

Dio outstretches his arm to an invisible conductor in the pit.

Dio: Mr. Conductor, if you please…

A drumroll.

Lights flash!

The Curtain closes, and in front of it, a sign with a title in bright lights descends from the rafters:

FUNERAL!

THE MUSICAL!

Dio Sebastián emerges from the darkness, looking sharper than usual in a black suit and tie. His previously rumpled hair is coiffed, and his stress lines invisible.  The stretches out his arms in welcome and sings:

SONG: “Mourning to Do”

Dio:  JOIN US, CELEBRATE A LIFE GONE

JOIN US, SEE THE FAMILY YOU’VE WRONGED

JOIN US, COME CRY FOR AN HOUR OR TWO

A spotlight shines on Sammy, backstage-left at a piano.

Sammy: DOODLE-EE-DOO!

Sebastian enters.

Sebastian: JOURNEY…JOURNEY TO A VIEWING OPPRESSIVE, STATIC, AND UNDOING JOURNEY! TO OUR REQUIRED TRIBUUUTE.

The hands emerge from the shadows, revealing they are indeed attached to people: The Sebastián Family (our ensemble). 

Ensemble: WE’VE GOT MOURNING TO DO, NOT FOR YOU

IT’S A MIRACLE HE WENT SO FAR

WHAT AN ASSHOLE HE WAS

WON’T BE DOVES

WORD IS HIS SONS ARE DUUUDS!

The ensemble freezes, looking judgmentally at the brothers.

Dio & Bash: Thanks.

The Family Ensemble finger snaps their way back into darkness, singing as they leave:

Ensemble: WE’LL COME ALONG FOR THE FOOOOOD…

The entire family exits, save for one woman who freezes upstage, her back to the audience.

Dio sighs and lifts his phone to video-call height.

Dio: Word had been spreading around the family that Dad was dead for a few days. But none of us said anything. Mom kept mum, which meant sis was silent, and so it fell to us to get the word out. For whatever reason, Bash wants this done fast. I think he just wants the old man in the ground. Anyway, what do you do when you need to get the word out?

The silhouetted woman turns and comes forward. She is a vivacious, mature Filipina wearing a little black dress, unblemished Louboutins, Chanel sunglasses, Hermes leopard-print scarf, and a beret that you can’t pull off, but she can.

Tita Bunny: Hiiiiii Dio!

Dio: You call your nosiest Tita (auntie).  (into the phone.) Hiiiii Tita!

Sammy plays a note on the piano.

SONG: “The WhatsApp Hour”

Tita Bunny: HIIII DIO! WHAT’S THE STORY, MORNING GLORY?

WHAT’S THE WORD? HUMMINGBIRD.

Dio: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT DAD’S OVERDOSE?

Tita Bunny: OH, HE REALLY IS DEAD?

DID HE SAY HIS GOODBYES?

DID HE DO IT HIMSELF?

OR WAS HE TOO SHY?

Various cousins poke their heads in on their chats.

Ensemble: WOW, HE REALLY IS DEAD

Dio: YEAH! YEAH!

Ensemble: I WAS HOPING HE WOULD.

Dio: UH-HUH

Ensemble: NOW YOUR MOTHER CAN LIVE

Dio: HE’S GONE.

Ensemble: BETTER BURY HIM GOOD!

Lights down on everyone except Dio, who is looking through a phone book.

Dio: HELLO JOHNSON FUNERALS, THIS IS DIOMANTE, CAN I-I-I (his voice breaks from sobbing) SP-SPEAK TO HARVEY, PLEASE?

Lights up on Mr. Johnson, a surly funeral director.

Mr. Johnson: HAVE YOU PICKED OUT AN URN?

Dio: Hello?

Mr. Johnson: IT’S THE END OF THE DAY

Dio: About the price-

Mr. Johnson: WE CAN GET YOU A QUOTE.

Dio: We need a rush-

Mr. Johnson: GET READY TO PAY!

Sebastian nods and hands over a wad of cash to Dio.

Sebastian: BODY’S READY?

Dio: I HOPE SO.

Sebastian: BODY’S READY?

Dio: IT’S CRAZY, MAN

Sebastian: BODY’S READY? READY TO BURN?

Dio gets back on the phone.

Dio: HELLO TODD’S CREMATION, THIS IS DIOMANTE CAN I-I-I (his voice breaks again from crying) GET A PAYMENT PL-

Dio tries to get the word out, but breaks down sobbing.  Everyone on stage stops dancing and looks at Dio.

He rebounds, wipes away the tears, and looks to his family onstage, on their phones. One woman walks into a spotlight. She’s wearing hospital scrubs and looks exhausted. She does not sing.

Marie-Rosa: Hey Dio, Mom’s pissed you’re not giving Dad a Catholic Mass.

Dio: Hi Sis, could you tell her we don’t need more Catholic funerals for people definitely in hell? Thanks.

She cracks a smile.

Marie-Rosa: You fuck. She’s not gonna come, I’m serious.

Dio: Maybe she could-

Marie-Rosa: She’s using it as an excuse. Remember, when she used to put on those old musicals whenever Dad was “out late with the boys?” She can’t confront the difficult stuff; she never could.

Dio: That’s why we watched those??

Marie-Rosa: You didn’t know that? Ooops. Sorry if that ruins Summer Stock for you.

Dio: She’s really not coming?

Marie-Rosa: Yeah…and I…I gotta stay with her.

Dio: Still not ready to talk to Bas–uh Bani?

Marie-Rosa: You can call him Sebastian. I hear he’s doing well.

Dio: He’s a champion.

Marie-Rosa: Is he acting like one?

Dio: He’s doing his best.

Pause.

Marie-Rosa: Good…Talk later.

She hangs up. Dio sighs and turns his attention to the rest of the family hovering behind in the shadows on their phones.

Dio: I took a day. I finalized all the details. Rushed everything through. Apologies, this is so last minute, but it’s what the immediate family desires.

Dio takes center stage and motions for Sammy to begin.

SONG: “Tomorrow (Logistics)”

Dio: THE FUNERAL IS…TOMORROW

GET YOUR SUIT & TIE PRESSED FOR TOMORROW

DRESS FOR RAIN

VISITATION STARTS…TOMORROW

AND I’D GET HERE EARLY CAUSE OF PARKING

THERE IS NONE.

IF YOU’RE LOOKING FOR LUNCH…TOMORROW

GET YOUR OWN, WE CAN’T AFFORD THE CATERING

The music swells.

Dio: DOWN THE STREEEEET:

THERE’S FIVE GUYS!

AND JOLI’S!

AND SUBWAY!

AND FOOD TRUCKS!

THEY’RE ONLY A BLOCK AWAYYYYYYY

Dio brings it home with a final belt.

THEY’RE ONLY A BLOCK AWAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY

Lights down. End of Act I.

Act II

Sammy sits down at the piano and starts playing something classic and nostalgic. Bash enters in his funeral blacks, which are quite spiffy if he does say so himself. Sebastian and Dio enter close behind, in their funeral finery.

Sammy: Why don’t you like musicals, Sebastian?

Sebastian: Mom only ever put a musical on when she was miserable. Not the greatest memories. That and they’re fucking annoying.

Sammy: What happened between you two anyway?

Sebastian: Oh, you know, old scars that got infected instead of healing right. Happens when a wound goes untreated.

Sammy: Got a song you wanna sing about it?

Sebastian: I don’t sing.

The soft piano music stops. Sammy looks at Sebastian sideways.

Sammy: You, Sebastian Gold, saying no to a spotlight?

He tsks and shakes his head no. Dio walks over to Sammy and whispers something in his ear. Sammy’s eyes fill with mischievous life, and he starts playing a familiar, jazzy vamp that perks Sebastian’s ears.

Sebastian: Is that…

Dio: It’s a Fosse vamp. Whatcha gonna do with it?

Sammy tosses a cane to Sebastian, who catches it too smoothly.

Sebastian: Tell no one.

He dons a top hat, tips it over his eyes, and softly snaps his fingers to the beat.

Sebastian: You know, Sage, I always wanted my name in the papers. Once it said in a dirtsheet, “SoCal indie wrestler jumps off church rafters for audience of ten.” That was me! I sent it to everyone I knew.

Now look at what they say: “Rookie sensation: Belmont winner upsets Alias champion,” “Gold rocks Tokyo Dome,” “What’s next for Sebastian Gold?”

Well, Sage. I’m gonna tell you the truth. ‘Cause the truth really does matter to me. Thing is…I’m older than I ever thought I’d be.

Not that I got a deathwish or anything, I just figured, the way I live, the things I do, I’d be dead before I got ugly.

And it’s funny ‘cause all my life I wanted to be someone great, so folks would have a good reason to miss me when I was gone. So, I tried to become an Action Star. That didn’t work.

Then I became a stuntman, and that was safe, nice work. For a little bit.

A cymbal crashes.

Sebastian: But no, no no. That blew up in my face, too. It was one big world full of “no!”

So, I dragged myself back home and spent the next few years being an addict and destroying my family.

Soon, I was estranged from my brother-

My sister-

And Mom never thought much of me to begin with. So, in the family reputation department? I was a zero.

But I turned it around. I got sober, found the right trainer, and got signed to PRIME.

A quick flash of fire spurts from Sammy’s gloved hand.

Sebastian: Didn’t go great at first. Thought I was in for another world of "no."  You must know what that’s like, Sage. You want the Alias title from Kerry? No. You want to go after some tag titles with Paxton? No.

And now, I bet you think this is your moment of "Yes," Sage. BUT IT AIN’T! OH NO, NO, NO, BUT IT AIN’T.

When I retain the Alias against you and the next guy, this black sheep washed-up burnout could become Universal Champion. Boy, will his mother feel sorry she kicked him out when that happens.

He chuckles and tips his top hat.

I hope you find what you’re seeking one day, Bodhisattva.

Cause it ain’t here.

Not this man’s Alias title.

Because ever since I got this belt…

I got back my brother…

I got two elite bros by my side…

And most importantly: The Fans.

The Primates love me and I love them! And I love them for loving me, and they love me for loving them.  And that's because the guy in the urn didn't give me enough love in my childhood.

But I made it, Sage.

And I’m not letting any of that go. You’re gonna have to lay me down dead in a coffin and break my fingers to take this belt away from me.

Make no mistake.

This world is mine.

And it’s full of YES!

The horn section blows, Gabriel-style. Giant lightbulbs spelling out GOLD blind the audience. Sebastian sweeps his arms forward in a grand embrace of the audience and SINGS!

Sebastian: THE NAME ON EVERYBODY’S LIPS IS GONNA BE-

Tita Bunny (wandering in): Sebastian! So sorry we’re late. Did you know there is no parking around here? A warning would’ve been nice.

Sammy: Oh, people are arriving!

Dio: Ah shit. I mighta lost track of time. Folks arriving. Come on, Dio, stay in reality…as much as you can…

Sebastian: What about my number?

Dio: It’s cut for time. Take your places.

Sebastian: But-

Dio (ugly-sweating): Greet the family you fucking showpony.

Sebastian: Jeez, who died?

Sebastian grabs the programs and takes his spot. Dio turns to the audience.

Dio: Everything’s going well. But it’s a strange feeling, trying to watch everyone mourn someone they don’t miss. I don’t blame Mom and my sister for not coming. She’s old enough that she remembers when he could be warm. If you remembered that man, it would be hard to hear people say:

Tita Bunny: Thank the good Lord that man is dead. Your mother will be so much better off.

Dio: That’s what I hear.

Tita Bunny: It’s good she doesn’t watch PRIME. What Bani does on that program? Tsk. Tsk. And he seems so upset about that Bell Jar-

Dio: -Belmont-

Tita Bunny: How do you manage him?

Dio: Well, every morning I wake and ask myself:

He grabs Bunny and spins her as the music starts.

SONG: “BASH!”

Dio: BASH! WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH BASH TODAY??

BASH! “IF MY TROPHY’S GONE IS MY BRAND PASSE?”

BASH! SO INSECURE FOR A RISING STAR!

NEEDY, CRAZY, RISKY, HAZY DAYDREAMS,

WHEN HE, GETS A CONCUSSION!

BASH!!!! I CAN TALK AND TALK TILL MY FACE IS BLUE!

BASH! BUT HE’LL STILL JUST DO WHAT HE WANTS TO DO!

WHY CAN’T HE BE LIKE DAWKINS, GROUNDED WITH INJURYYY?

THAT’S THE MATTER WITH BASH, BUNNYYYY.

They both Charleston and the music joins them until-

Sebastian: Did you just say you wish I were injured?

-the notes fall flat and fall away.

Tita Bunny: I’ll let you two talk.

She puts on her sunglasses and walks maybe two steps away, where she can clearly still hear them. Dio is tripping over his tongue.

Dio: Not…I just said…Cause a mat style is less dangerous than-

Sebastian:  You think the fans will stay if I don’t give them what they want? I'm not a technician - what do you suggest I do?

SONG: “Sebastian”

Sammy strikes a chord. The whole ensemble sings to the brothers.

Ensemble: HOW DO YOU SOLVE A PROBLEM LIKE SEBASTIAN?

HOW DO YOU CATCH A SPLASH AND SLAM IT DOWN??

Sebastian: No, no!

The music stops. 

Sebastian: Dio, come back to me. I know that look. Wherever you went, come back.

The ensemble retreats into the backdrop.

Sammy Broadway packs up his songbook and pats Dio's shoulder.

Sammy: Lemme know when you need a break.

Sammy exits. 

Sebastian: Tell me what’s up.

Dio: I…All I could think about planning this funeral was how it’s gonna make planning yours so much easier.

Pause.

Dio: ‘Cause you can't be just a wrestler, you gotta be a "real fuckin' stuntman," well, you know what? The fans don’t love you like I do. If you die, they will cry for a day and move on to the next guy. But the rest of us wouldn't know how to...And I know how hypocritical this is. Your broken bones have paid for my house, Lyra’s college fund, this goddamn funeral. I sound ungrateful but...

Another swell of grief rises into sobs.

Dio (crying): ...But I’m not crying for Dad. I’m crying for you, and you’re not even dead yet, you’re just running top speed towards it.

Sebastian: I know. But it's what I'm the best at. And you know that..

Dio: Yeah. I do. Could you at least learn more mat wrestling from the sparky singing guy?

Sebastian hugs his brother. 

Sebastian: I will.

???: Hello.

The brothers spin around to see Marie-Rosa with Mom entering. Nobody knows what to say except:

Dio: Oh fuck.

To be continued….