The Generalissima Awaits

Dear Vickie Hall,

I’ve been waitin’ fer ya darlin’. It’s been so long since I last wrote ta ya. I know I came on strong last time, I mean, can ya blame a humble monster? Not just any monster mind ya, THEE monster. It’s the Generalissimo baby girl, how you doin? And I know last time yer lil simp baby got the best of ol Ray-Ray. Ya see, he went after the pills, and that’s fightin’ dirty.

I don’t blame lil Johnny fer what he did ta the area where my hair is short and curly. Oh no my dear Vickie, oh no. I understand why Johnny would do whatever it took ta beat me. I see it now, I saw it that night. We looked ‘cross the way at each other and made that connection, and the human chastity belt himself had ta do somethin’ ta stop the connection.

Jealousy, it’s powerful darlin’. Look how long it kept little Johnny boy goin’, he just kept chuggin’ right along. The Johnny-engine that could. And now, sittin’ here on my island out in the Pacific I look across the endless blue water at the endless domain of my shark best-friend. Have I told you ‘bout my shark bestfriend? No? Well, I got one. Makes me pretty bad ass. I’m pretty much Aquaman, ya know, other than bein’ useless on land. But like, ya know, way better lookin’ than that Jason feller. Mamoa, fry him up in canola.

I’m the Generalissimo.

I’m here to get what I want.

And there’s only one way ta do that.

I gotta beat up yer old boyfriend.

Don’t ya lie ‘bout it now sweetie. I get it, he’s 7 feet tall of a big, strong, genetically modified russian super soldier. He has a sweet military rank that sounds like some type of potato soup. He’s got a crew, that lil creeper Alexei. Douche is so old he’s a monocle away from turning the pringles man to the monopoly man. A sneaky commie Cuban, and a young russian girl. Ol’ Ivan is playin’ the field darlin’.

I ain’t bringin’ home no twentie-somethin’s.

This whole unfortunate thing with the former luckiest man alive Cancer Jiles, I understand how hard it could be going from your sham relationship with your husband and your secret boyfriend, Ivan. I understand how a young, beautiful woman like yourself could latch onto such a repugnant, vile human. We all make mistakes, my dear Generalissima. We all make errors in judgement.

But I’m here.

I’m your forever.

We’re your forever.

And we’ll prove it to ya darlin’.

I’ll beat up yer old fling and show ya who the best man is.

Then you can finally take your rightful place as my Generalissima.

With Love,  Garry Ray-Ray [REDACTED] THE GENERALISSIMO

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My dear KAAW-AIEEE-REEEE-EIAAAA-NGNGNGNG combs my feathers. Every feather must be in its place. This is an important day for our lives together and our future. Today is my first day at the call-center. It is critical for his super secret plan to make [REDACTED]land a real country and to start the fight for monster-rites across the world. As well as earning a paycheck, a big fat paycheck. The Generalissimo’s vision is incredible. We were shown footage from a true to life movie about how call centers in America operate. The Wolf of Wall Street runs the best center on the planet. And if the birds want to rival the wolves for dominance, we need to do it even better than he did. KAREN hands me my lunch pail and a bag of ‘go fast’ pills. At least that’s what The Generalissimo called them when he handed them to us. They would drive our minds to peak operating efficiency. I gulp down my first two orange pills of the morning before giving my dear KAREN a peck on the beak and give our egg a final rub before departing. Today is a new day, a new career, a new fight, a new war. The first new day in so long. 

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An incredibly long table stretches the length of a banquet room at the [REDACTED]land resort. I decided pants weren’t necessary today. But I’m invisible, and I can do things like that. Anyway, I’m your friendly neighborhood narrator, just being an invisible man living with my people. The shutters of the windows are pulled tight. The samoan inspired mural painted by Picasso or something has been covered up by endless Dale Earnhardt posters. Floor to ceiling, fatheads, everything. The lord looks over us. Around the table sit the champions of our kind.

The Big Blue Bug is nervously fidgeting on a laptop, Lord Kurosame-sama is struggling to connect his laptop to the casting device displayed on a whiteboard. Tanuki Phil and Rhino Horn are trying to help the shark man get his laptop connected. Birdmen flitter around the room, squawking and calling as they prepare the enormous throne chair that towers over the spinning office chairs in the room.

Faintly from the gigantic banquet room I can hear a racket of squawking and kawing. The call of the horns begins and The Generalissimo begins his walk through the call center. He tosses small orange pills into the air, showering his troops. He marches down the middle aisle, he gives a few small waves and a nod before straightening his military uniform outside of the door and begins the march into the room. The Beasts of Tokyo flank him, while the birdmen in the room immediately fall into rank. The Generalissimo enters through the large mahogany double doors and stomps his way to the throne.

A feather pillow is placed on the chair as Garry stops and turns towards the table. He gives a three fingered salute to the table and sits down. The room focuses on the man from Kentucky with a strange resemblance to a young Larry Bird dressed as M. Bison.

“Lord Kurosame-sama, morning report,” Of course it’s way past the morning, but we’re not getting caught up on the specifics here. The shark man gets to his feet and the birdmen dim the lights in the room. Lord Kurosame-sama smiles to the room and begins.

“” he begins. The laser pointer flashes as the intro slide changes to a graph. It’s clearly going up, and the header says ‘MONIES’. The Generalissimo nods and motions for Kurosame-sama to continue.

He changes the slide to another graph, one with a Homer Simpson stomach grumbling meme at the bottom and a turkey leg at the top. The header for this one is ‘FOODZ’. Once again the graph is going up.

“” Kurosame-sama gives a fist pound, another fantastic morning report. His 380th in a row by my calculations. There was the great NFT crash that made the monies go down, all of the Dale NFT art that they had invested in, well, they owned some images. But it all doesn’t have to work.

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I wake up, I’ve only slept for three and a half hours. I take the first of my little orange pills. Yesterday Lord Kurosame-sama gave me my review. It was awesome, he told me how valuable I was, and how I’ve helped provide the island with food. Because I work for the government I get triple rations to take home. It’s great, my family and I love it. They took me to the company doctor, he started giving me the shots so I can become one of the bigs. Those guys are so cool, they just sit there cluckin’ away and shouting out victory score after victory score. Doc said I have the potential to get there and I’m determined. I have to provide for little KLUCK-RIEEEE-IIIIIEEEEEEEE-SSAAALALALA. Kris is such a good little birdlette. Karen makes sure my feathers are prepared for another day and I step out into the sunlight. I take my second pill and march my way to the office.

—---------------------------------------------------------

“Bug, yer up,” The Generalissimo motions to the bug. It’s tough to follow a wonderful orator like Lord Kurosame-sama, but Bug’s been getting better. I hear he finally got the birds to stop doom scrolling on Tik-Tok and do their jobs. Bug looks at Kurosame-sama who shrugs his shoulder and points to his laptop.

“Is somethin’ wrong?” The Generalissimo snarls out, the birdmen rush to their god-king’s every need and approach The Big Blue Bug, slowly surrounding him.

“Sorry sir, we had an emergency critical briefing come in this morning. I had to send a new file over, and Lord Kurosame-sama didn’t have time to add the slides…” Kurosame-sama, suddenly thrown under the bus, begins frantically finning at his keyboard while Tanuki Phil tries to get it working. Phil might be the biggest monster of all of us, he’s dressed like a fulltime Japanese Salary Man.

I guess dressing the part pays off, and suddenly the slide changes and the large man dressed kind of like the Tick but you know, not, for like copyright and stuff. He gets up there and clears his throat. He uses the clicker and a graph pops up on the screen. It has a little wavy intro for the header that says ‘GOOD’. Nobody really knows what it means but everyone nods along in agreement.

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Another senior birdman position has opened. Karen has been helping me get ready for my interview. I’m ready to be a big, I waddle my way through the middle of our grass hut and almost tilt over when I bend down to pick up one of Kris’ toys. That little shithead doesn’t understand how much pressure I’m under. What is he now? Six months old. I down a few orange pills and pick up my second helping of leftover dinner for breakfast. Karen tries to get me ready, but I just want to eat. I throw a mild birdtrum and stomp around the hut. We have canned and dried food lining the walls. I get so much food at work. We used to forage for this, and now it’s so readily available. I’m still stunned this position is open. Bill fell out of a window and landed directly on his head. It’s a shame. His funeral was great though. 

—---------------------------------------------------------

“It’s good.” Bug smiles and clicks the projector. The room goes silent as Her image goes up on the screen. The Generalissimo’s eye begins to twitch, I can see it spasm. Sometimes I stand really close to him and I can see the fury behind his beautiful glassy blues. He is just so dreamy, anyway, Bug clicks the projector and you could hear a pin drop.

I look up at the screen myself, normally I prefer to watch them, it’s been so much of the same for so long, and there I see her. Our Generalissimo’s greatest desire. His anointed Generalissima. Vickie Hall, an absolute monster of a human being. She makes me feel dirty being a monster, but she does have a presence? Yeah, sure, a presence. I squint my eyes, reading the phone picture of a computer screen that’s been projected on a dry erase board twenty yards away. ‘LOVE IS NO LONGER IN THE AIR’ is the headline and my eyes immediately flash back to the Generalissimo. He squints a bit and turns to Bug who finally saves us all by explaining what we’re looking at.

“Famed reporter The Manhunter put out on very reputable news source Cracking News that Cancer Jiles and Vickie Hall are no longer an item…” The Generalissimo’s eyes widen and a smile spreads across his peach fuzz stubble. “Sir. The Generalissima is single.”

A roar erupts in the room as Garry jumps up onto the table and begins whooping and praising lord Dale. Lord Kurosame-sama give a very emphatic “” the birds begin clucking and shrieking in anticipation as The Generalissimo whirls his magnificent cape around and points to the nearest Earnhardt poster and emphatically nods to the smirking former Winston Cup Champion.

The glorious Generalissimo waves his arms slowly to calm the room. All the birdmen in the room join him by lowering their wings and their voices. It’s incredible how the Generalissimo commands a room. Truly awe inspiring. He gives a nod to Tanuki Phil who immediately tosses a Budweiser to our savior. He cracks open our nations drink of choice and turns to the room raising the beer in the air.

“This is great news my friends and avian companions. However, we can’t just be excited, we need a plan. We need a full proof plan. We have to succeed this time, we have to come home with our Queen.” The Generalissimo points to the blonde curls sticking out from his nice red M. Bison hat.

“And I think I have just the idea…”

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I open my eyes and roll myself off the bed. Karen has started sleeping in the living room, I’ve gotten so massive with these shots they’ve been giving me at work. I can’t stop eating, it’s all I do. I take my orange pills for breakfast and wander my way to the pantry. I rip open a box of feed and start pouring it into my mouth. Karen comes with Kris trailing behind her. Ever since we moved out of the old place, she’s been so happy. We have three rooms now. I was able to trade all the extra food for people to build our new home. My eye twitches from the orange pills, thats started happening recently. But I get so much done when I take the little orange pills. I stab myself in the thigh and inject the solution, I feel the adrenaline rush through my body and remember I have to get to Steve’s funeral. He worked a few pods over, had a horrific accident involving some two wheeled monster. That’s the second co-worker of mine to die this week. 

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Oh does he have an idea alright. I’ll let him finish getting through his foolproof fantastic plan.

“We gotta do what all men do when they encounter a great woman. We gotta beat a motherfucker's ass. Ya know. We gotta do what Lord Dale here would do. He’d grab the biggest one of her ex-boyfriends and beat the living shit out of him. That’s what Dale would do my friends. He’d beat that man within an inch of his life. He’d break every bone in his body. He’d leave him begging for it ta be ova, and it ain’t gonna fuckin’ happen. That’s what Dale would do my friends…” He finally takes a breath.

“So that’s what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna go grab that big Russian boyfriend of hers, and we’re gonna kick his ass! Someone get on the line with the great L. Troy, and DEMAND that I face Ivan Stanislav in a ring, IMMEDIATELY!” He’s right, he’s right. You gotta get out there and show her just how tough you are. He hops down off the table and marches back to the throne.

“Shouldn’t we beat up her husband, since he touched your…” Bug mumbles out as The Generalissimo downs the last of his morning beverage. He snaps his fingers again and a beer flies across the room. Nelson’s enormous hands snatch it out of the air and he opens the beer with his teeth. He looks up at Bug and sighs.

“Who the fuck cares ‘bout him? She didn’t! She was runnin’ ‘round chasin’ the seven foot Ruski. We all saw it, Bug. It was plain as day. Kurosame-sama even seen it and he didn’t know that Ross and Rachel had sexual tension in Friends.” Kurosame-sama nods in agreement with The Generalissimo.

“It’s settled. I beat up Vickie Hall’s old fling before she can run back to his big Russian arms. Then she has to come back with us. She has to…” The Generalissimo says with a sneer and he looks up wild eyed at the room. “This meeting is dismissed.”

The Generalissimo gets to his feet, the Birdmen scramble into position for The Generalissimo to make his procession out of the room. He walks back into the Birdman staffed call center. He makes sure to walk down the aisle of bigs’ they’ve been farming. The most loyal and devoted employees. He wants to make sure they know how well they are appreciated, like always. Something different than the usual adulation happens though. A birdman worker touches the Generalissimo’s arm…

The towering Generalissimo turns to the almost 500 lb butterball. His nametag reads “JERRY” on it, and the bird hands Garry a note. The Generalissimo bends down and whispers something in Jerry’s ear, he wraps his arm around the giant bird and takes a loose feather with him. The bird known as Jerry nods his head and turns back to his work. Garry has a fire in his eyes I rarely see. We march back to his chamber to play video games and watch Dale Earnhardt highlights, but on the way Garry stops and places the feather in the basket of the Homicycle’s basket.

That was nice of him.

—----------------------------------------------------------

 I’m running down the hallway. The two wheeled death machine chases after me. I scream and kaw as loud as I can for help, but no help comes. I had to tell them what I found. My AI chat-bot explained to me that we were taking people’s life savings. All of the food they stored away for when they were old. I was horrified, and I shuffled my way to The Generalissimo and told him we had to return the peoples food we stole. That I felt terrible about it. I keep hearing this unpleasant sound like falling rain accompanied by heavy guitars as I flee. The Generalissimo explained that we were stealing from the rich, and that it was okay because they had plenty of food. I still didn’t feel good about it, and now, on my way home to my humble three room hut I’ve ran into this monster. He’s in on it, I can’t run anymore, I’m out of breath. My bulk is all I have, I turn around to do battle with my killer. It honks it’s little bell and then it’s all over in a whirl of rubber, antler and bicycle chain. 

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“Make sure ya ‘member ta pack my good boots! I don’t wanna be kickin’ a commie with a subpar boot. He needs ta know what these ‘merican made size 24’s feel like.” The Generalissimo shouts to his birdman crew that is packing a comically large suitcase.

“Oh, and Kuro. Make sure we get something from Jerry’s funeral before we head out.” We just saw Jerry like a half hour ago… he was working at his desk and he seemed fine…

“” Kurosame-sama asks, and The Generalissimo nods.

“Figured it out, had ta follow their culture, ya know? That’s how it works. Ya scam and then ya feel bad, and then they kill ya. We just made them incredibly more efficient at it Kuro, we just gave them Starlink.” Kurosame-sama nods his head, the birdmen’s society is so foreign to all of them, but they do their best to fit in with their monster brethren.

“Plus, ya know. Jerry really loved Karen. Maybe some of that will rub off on me ya know? Ya know, spirit of the dead and all that stuff the birds say…” Kurosame-sama shakes his head, the Birdmen could be so much, but they insisted on this primitive society that sharks would have never fallen for.

“OH!” The Generalissimo shouts and turns back to the birdmen. “And bring the dress uniform, I imagine The Generalissima will want to head to a nice Shoney's when I smack the ABSOLUTE FUCK outta that big dumb Drago wannabe."