Blaze Claymore in: "No Country for Young Kids"

SOMEWHERE IN CANADA ANNNNNND HEEERRE’S YOUR HOST, DONNNNNNIE WINTERS!

Jaunty synth-flavored children’s music warbles through overdriven speakers as Nathan races behind a giant red podium made of scuffed plastic and dreams. Meanwhile, a man in a bright white blazer two sizes too big, with matching slacks, saunters up to center stage.

It took Nathan begging his mom for days, then weeks, then months, and issuing of new passports to get the chance to be a contestant on “Dare Ya, Buddy!” the Canadian and legally distinct version of Nickelodeon’s “Double Dare” with about 1/3 of the budget.

The lights overhead flicker with just enough delay to suggest unpaid invoices. Nathan’s slick red zip-up track-suit-slash-rain-coat squeaks as he moves, already clinging to his sweat-covered skin. The podium itself rocks slightly when he touches it — a precarious balsa wood contraption with exposed wiring that buzzes faintly, like it’s angry to be there.

Around him, a handful of exhausted stage lights attempt to spotlight the action, while a half-full audience of middle school field trips and baffled grandparents look on, clutching juice boxes and foam fingers.

Donnie Winters: Yooooooou betcha!

Donnie flashes that traditional Canadian smile for the cameras. You know the one.

Donnie Winters: Well we’ve got a real treat here today as we have some very special guests with us today – making up the Blue Barry Cooties (not trademarked) from Ontario Professional Wrestling we have Moose Jaw Mike and Hacksaw Harrison Humphrey and they are joined by our friends from nearby London, Ontario: Katie and Otto. Let’s give them a hoot and a holler!

The crowd claps for the Blue Barry Cooties as Moose Jaw Mike, built like a refrigerated truck, practically steams in his maple leaf singlet. His partner, Hacksaw Harrison, looks like he slept in his elbow pads and woke up angry about it.

Donnie Winters: And over on the Red Jagowars (also not trademarked) we have none other than the Chainsaw from Chilliwack, Charlie Bernier… and Austin “Aurora” McFarland. They are joined, from our sisters to the south in Minnesota, Nathan and Jessica! Give them a hand!

Chainsaw, true to his name, looks like he could cut through the entire stage in a rampaging instant while Aurora McFarland bounces on the balls of his feet, dressed head to toe in a silvery, glittery luchador costume.

Nathan’s ears feel like they are stuffed with cotton as he looks around, first seeing the excited and beaming face of his partner Jessica - wondering why she doesn’t seem as panicked as he is - and then to his left where a massive beast of a man with a scraggly beard and a leotard has his arms crossed and staring dead ahead at the opposite team.

Donnie Winters: As any fan of “Dare Ya, Buddy” knows, we are all about having a good ol’ time by testing our teams on some trivia while also takin’ em’ out for a bit of a rip if ya know what I’m sayin’. And do we have a treat in store for you today! Our grand prize for the winning team is none other than a guest role on an upcoming CBC Kids Black History Month production of Othello: The Moor of Venice - it’ll be a hoot and … of course… racially appropriate!

Donnie taps his note cards on his similarly electrically unsafe podium and gestures toward the camera with a trademark Canadian wink. You know the one.

Donnie Winters: So here are the rules, just like always I will ask a question of one of our teams for 25 points, if they think they know the answer they can go ahead and buzz in, but if they don’t they can “Dare” the other team to answer, which doubles the points, and if they decline and kick it back to the original team, that team either has to answer or take on a physical challenge… and boy howdy I can only imagine what these tough guys can do when it comes to a physical challenge.

Charlie “Chainsaw” Bernier: You comin’ on to me buddy?

Donnie looks nervously over at his producer and then coughs awkwardly before gesturing over to his left.

Donnie Winters: Okay we will be starting with the Blue Barry Cooties, are you ready?

Nathan grips the edge of the podium tightly, his knuckles white. He’s been studying and practicing every day since he saw the call for auditions. Scouring the Internet and even going to the library to look up everything from famous historical figures to geographical locations to animal phenotypes. He was ready and he was going to get that guest spot.

Donnie Winters: Okay, Blue Barry Cooties, first question is comin atcha! Now remember, this one’s for 25 points, or you can dare it to the Red Jagowars and double it to fifty. Sound good?

Mike, massive and sweaty in a maple leaf singlet, cracks his knuckles like he’s in the finals of the G1.

Donnie Winters: Alrighty then! Your first question is: What is the capital city… of Saskatchewan?

A long pause. The audience leans in. The camera zooms dramatically on Katie’s blinking face.

Katie (whispers to Otto): Is that the one with the cows?

Donnie Winters: Five seconds, Blue Barry Cooties.

Otto looks over to the intimidating wrestler at his side who nods confidently. The boy leans forward and slaps the buzzer hard.

Otto: Uh… Moose Jaw?

Donnie gasps.

Donnie Winters: Ohhh, I’m sorry, it’s Regina! Regina is the capital. But nice try, team! Okay, no points on the board yet, but still lots of game left to play!

Moosejaw Mike closes his eyes, disappointed that he wasn’t named Regina. But meanwhile, over on the other side of the stage, Nathan takes a breath, loosening his shoulders. He’s been waiting for this moment.

Donnie Winters: Now it’s over to our other team Nathan. Jessica. Are you ready?

Jessica (beaming): Let’s do this!

Nathan (muttering): You’ve got this. You’ve got this.

Donnie Winters: For 25 points…  What famous explorer is credited with mapping the Saint Lawrence River?

“Aurora” McFarland: Oh come on now! That’s ten times harder than-

Nathan buzzes in immediately.

Nathan: Jacques Cartier!

The buzzer makes a cheerful diddle-dee-dee! and a confetti cannon explodes with all the force of a firecracker that is definitely not a safety hazard as “Aurora” McFarland and the otherwise stone-faced Chilliwack Charlie give Nathan a stupefied look.

Donnie Winters (genuinely impressed): Ope! That is correct, Jacques Cartier is the answer! Nice job, Jagowars, that’s twenty-five points on the board!

Jessica high-fives him. Nathan barely responds, his eyes locked ahead. He’s one step closer to Othello.

Donnie Winters: Alrighty, next question. And remember—don’t forget the dare option, eh?

He flips to the next card with theatrical flair.

Donnie Winters: What bird is featured on the Canadian dollar coin?

Charlie scratches his armpit through the spandex. Austin shrugs.

Jessica: Dare.

Nathan’s head snaps toward her.

Nathan: What!?! It’s-

Donnie Winters: Whoa-ho! Quick dare! That means Blue Barry Cooties can answer for 50, or send it back for a shot at 75. Or… a physical challenge.

Otto (panicking): Ahhh! My parents haven’t started giving me an allowance yet. Help?

Donnie Winters: We need an answer Barry Cooties.

Moosejaw Mike confidently hits the buzzer.

Moosejaw Mike: DARE YA, BUDDY!

Donnie Winters: Ho ho ho! Red Jagowars; are you going to answer for 75 points or are you going to choose the Tim Hortons-sponsored DARE YA PHYSICAL CHALLLLLLLLENGE!?

The crowd roars in approval as Nathan leans in quickly to buzz in with the answer, but it’s the Chainsaw from Chilliwack whose voice booms over everything:

Chainsaw Charlie (screaming): WE DEMAND A PHYSICAL CHALLENGE! A FIGHT TO THE DEATH FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY SWEET CAROLINE, MOOSEJAW!

Moosejaw leans in and points at Chainsaw Charlie. Dramatically.

Moosejaw Mike (shouting back): I ONLY GAVE HER WHAT YOU COULDN’T, CHAINSAW!

Someone backstage screams, “We talked about this, Mike!” as Nathan throws up his hands in frustration and Donnie tugs at his collar nervously. The host looks from side to side and points toward Nathan and Jessica, trying to regain control of his show.

Donnie Winters: Hey! Look who it is! Our very own DARE BEAR! Sponsored by Klondike Konfections and here to pass out some samples is none other than Kenny Klondike… He’s K-K-Kra…. Nope. Not gonna do it.

Donnie stops himself from making a terrible mistake, one that would have almost certainly bankrupt the CBC, as someone in a terrifying foam bear costume wanders on stage. The beast is holding a tray of melting ice cream snacks, nearly knocking over part of Donnie’s podium with his paw as he tries to display them to the crowd.

While Kenny Klondike distracts the audience with sweets, Donnie turns his attention back to the task at hand.

Donnie Winters: Alright you two… are you ready for your physical challenge and a chance to take a commanding lead!? If you can’t complete the dare, you’ll be giving the 75 points up to the Blue Barry Cooties!

The audience erupts in applause as two stagehands in mismatched overalls hustle out and start setting up the world’s most unstable obstacle course. Foam boulders. A plastic slide coated in what appears to be expired poutine gravy. A kiddie pool full of ball-pit balls, maple syrup, and actual bacon

Jessica claps. Nathan looks like he might throw up.

Donnie Winters (to Nathan and Jessica): This one’s called Mountie Mess. You’ll each have to climb the Slippery Slope of Sovereignty, grab a flag at the top, and slide back down into the Bacon Bay of Victory. Once you do that, one of you has to crawl through the Tunnel of Apology and ring the Bell of Reconciliation.

Nathan: Uhhhhh… that seems kind of dark.

Donnie Winters: Well, we DO get less sunlight per day than you Yanks, so that tracks. ARE YOU READY!?

Donnie Winters is way too excited about sending two pre-teens through a gauntlet of food. Someone should check his browser history, but all the same Nathan and Jessica strap on a pair of helmets and stare down a monstrosity of children’s public television.

Voice: YOU CAN DO IT NATHAN!

Nathan’s attention snaps wildly to the side as he sees the outline of his mother, standing and clapping wildly in the stands, hooting and hollering.

While most children might be inspired or encouraged by such a display of familial affection, Nathan can only feel embarrassment. Pressure. PANIC.

Donnie Winters: AND…. GO!

Then he sees Jessica launch herself with reckless joy, a red blur disappearing into the gravy chute.

And in that moment… Nathan freezes.

Then… Nathan falls.

Then… Nathan fails.

📼📼📼

SOMEWHERE IN MINNESOTA Blaze Claymore sits with a laptop open, the glow of the screen illuminating his face. On the screen, a video plays on YouTube.

Dare Ya, Buddy! Season 2, Episode 7: Ontario Pro Wrestling

He watches as a young boy, aged 11, slips and falls in a vat of bacon grease as the timer above his head counts down to zero.

Blaze pauses the video, a staggered, staccato breath escapes his lungs as he closes the device and lets his eyes adjust to the darkness, the sound of worn out bed springs creaking and crying.

How long had it been since he’d been in this room? On this bed?

He looked around the room, literally unchanged since that day he packed up everything he had and drove out to California over a decade ago. A time capsule - his life trapped in amber like some damned prehistoric mosquito. Only this time life hadn’t found a way. Not even close.

Voice: NATHAN!? OOPS! I MEAN… BLAAAAAAAZE!? ARE YOU READY YET?! YOUR DINNER IS GETTING COLD!

Suddenly he was nine again, hand gripped to an ancient remote control as he sat transfixed in front of a hand-me-down TV/VCR combo perched on a cheap entertainment center. Static lines raced down the screen as Rocky Balboa, American-flag striped boxers and matching red gloves, was locked into a corner by the massive Ivan drago in his Soviet-themed attire.

Ivan is laying massive strikes to Balboa’s face, bruised and swollen, but suddenly Rocky begins to find the energy to fight back, swinging wildly, and now it’s Ivan in the corner as the crowd goes wild. A gut punch to Ivan as the Russian officials in the suites are very furious, yelling down at Ivan and the referee

Rocky gets socked hard again as he pushes Ivan against the ropes, swinging his own massive punch into the Russian’s jaw and then-

A knock.

Blaze is back in 2025 and he looks up as the door cracks open and light begins to pour through into the bedroom. Standing in the hallway is his mother, Amy Lake, holding a plate of roast beef and vegetables.

Amy Lake: Oh jeeze. Some things never change. Sittin’ here in the dark with your media devices - watchin’ the world pass ya by.

She flicks on the light, illuminating a small room that - thanks to some vaulted ceilings - is covered wall to wall in movie posters. Blaze’s eyes cut over to his left where he sees a familiar, silver-cased Panasonic TV/VCR combo sitting on a yellowing entertainment center, collecting dust next to a Playstation 3, Zune, and a stack of tapes in Blockbuster Video sleeves.

Amy Lake: I don’t see my son for a decade, barely get calls as it is, and then when you show up on my doorstep — what am I supposed to think, Nathan? Are you in some kinda trouble? I know you’re not hurtin’ for money - not that you’ve ever sent any of that back home bytheway. Would it hurt ya’ to help your mother out every onceandawhile Mr. Hollywood star?

Blaze’s stomach sinks as he can barely even think of eating, but as moms are wont to do, she shoves the plate into his hands anyways and sits down next to him, sinking into the bed.

Amy Lake: Oh goodness. This… this is not orthopedically sound whatsoever. You can’t sleep here. Let me get the fold-a-bed out.

Blaze Claymore: You think that thing is more orthopedically sound? I don’t think they had even heard of lumbar support back in the 1970s. This is fine.

A pause. Longer than it should be, but then Blaze remembers the look on Ivan’s face when he was told the news about his mother. How the world seemed to literally stop and bring the Russian Bear to his knees quicker than the half-a-dozen fighters it took to pin him in the ring at Culture Shock.

Blaze Claymore: Thank you. For… putting me up on short notice.

His mother smiles.

Amy Lake: I just wish you would have brought your lady friend with you is all. I would have liked to meet her. Sophia is it?

Blaze Claymore: Sonja. And we’re not quite at that stage yet.

Blaze’s mother slaps his arm.

Amy Lake: Oh hush! You didn’t even go to your own prom, let alone go steady with anyone while you were in high school. I’m just happy you found someone is all.

Blaze begins to pick at his dinner, partially because he’s hungry but mostly because he wants an excuse not to continue this line of conversation. Luckily, his mother doesn’t linger on the topic for too long — but he doesn’t much like where she goes next either.

She gestures toward the laptop at his side.

Amy Lake: Still getting views, huh?

Blaze takes a bite of his roast beef. It’s suddenly more sour than savory.

Blaze Claymore: Yeah. Half of them are probably from me though…

Amy Lake (half-smiling): On the bright side, you kept your helmet on through the entire course - even with those bacon bits in your eyes. That’s something.

Blaze can’t help but smile, the taste slowly returning to his meal.

Blaze Claymore: Didn’t help much once I got to the syrup pool.

Amy Lake (laughing): Oh God. You wouldn’t eat pancakes, waffles, or French toast for years!

There’s a silence — just long enough to become awkward.

Amy Lake (sighing): You were so angry afterward. Angry at poor Jessica, angry at those wrestlers, angry at me for signing you up even though you wouldn’t shut up about it for all those months… You didn’t say a word the whole ride home. Five hours of stone-cold silence, Not even when I offered to stop for a Blizzard once we got across the border.

Blaze pushes scraps around on his plate.

Blaze Claymore: I didn’t earn it. I didn’t win.

His mother puts hand on his shoulder, looking him in the eye.

Amy Lake: Honey, everybody loses at some point. I mean, even Rocky lost his first match, right? But he showed up. He trained. He fought. And he kept showing up—until he was the one everyone believed in.

Blaze looks up. A spark.

Blaze Claymore: I… didn’t know you were a fan of the Rocky movies.

Amy smiles softly.

Amy Lake: Nathan, I’m not some sort of recluse. I used to go to movies all the time with your Father.

She looks down, brushing absentmindedly at something invisible on her legs.

Amy Lake: Besides, you wore out every tape we had. It was a little weird, sure, but I always liked that you cared about something. Even if it was enough to wear holes in it

And now look at ya’ — makin’ a name for yourself and getting your name on television advertisements and everything.

Blaze blinks.

Blaze Claymore: What do you mean?

Amy Lake looks at her son with disbelief.

Amy Lake: Nat- Blaze. You’re going to be performin’ at the freakin’ Target Center. Do you realize how much that means to this town? You’re not some hot dog-eatin’ freak show or true crime oddity — you’re a performer. A star! The entire town is talkin’ about it.

Blaze leans back, the words finally settling in. He tries not to smile—fails. Amy notices and, like a good mom, grabs his half-eaten plate of food off of his lap and stands up.

Amy Lake: It’s good to have you home. I..

She pauses, wondering if she should continue.

Amy Lake: I… just hope you don’t take another decade to come back.

Blaze can hear his mother’s voice crack as she steps into the hallway and closes his old bedroom door behind her. He listens as her soft steps hit the stairs and descend into the living room… leaving him once again in silence.

After a beat, he lifts his laptop back open, his younger self staring back at him covered in all sorts of food refuse and holding a 100-piece lego set of the Canadian flag — his “thanks for playing” prize… while Otto and Katie got their bit parts in Othello… and despite the fact that Otto clearly never had the stomach for acting, Katie - on the other hand…, what elder Millennial in the country didn’t know who Katie “Glow” was?

Blaze was pretty sure she was trying to get a 10-year anniversary concert off the ground, or so he had heard… maybe it wasn’t going as well as she had hoped…

He never learned what happened to Jessica.

Without thinking, Blaze closes the laptop again and walks over to the antique TV sitting just feet to his right. He flips open the flap of the VCR dock and sees ROCKY IV staring back at him.

He presses power and is admittedly surprised when the device boots up. A blue screen stares back at him as he reaches over and presses the “Play” button – only to see the face of Ivan Drago staring back at him.

Blaze Claymore: Ivan…

He watches as the scene continues to play out - just as it always does - with Ivan getting dropped and Rocky raising his arms, victorious, as he’s raised aloft by his manager and a crowd swarms the ring to place an American flag on his shoulders.

Blaze pauses, taking a beat before hitting the “Rewind” button — shuttling the tape back to the beginning. His eyes locked on the screen. On the memory. And maybe… the future.

He rewinds. He waits. Then, with a grin, presses “Play.”