(My) Dear(est) Sonja

My Dearest Sonja,

Is that still what I should call you? Do you know what to call me? I am not so sure anymore…

The walls weep here. Not water but… something else. It tastes wrong when I lick it. Metallic. Warm. I don’t know why I keep licking it.

I think I’m in Minneapolis, still? I can feel your eyes but can’t see them. But it’s just your eyes. I wish I remembered what the rest of you looked like before...

Before what?

That’s right… before Ivan’s boot. Before the counting. It’s always the counting.

One.

Two.

Three.

One.

Two.

Three.

One.

Two.

Three.

Three.

Three.

Three.

That’s right. There are three of us here. I remember now. But I don’t remember their names. Just their voices.

Do you remember what I said? What we said? Wait… who is this again? I need to know who to send this letter to – a body. Not just eyes.

I am writing but can’t see the paper. I can hear the paper. That’s how I know I’m writing… but my fingers feel weird. They taste like the wall.

I think something is here with me. With us. I can hear IT breathing. IT thinks I can’t hear IT but I can. It’s the only way I can know where to move so IT can’t see me.

You can find me though, right Sonja? With those eyes? The ones that see? I need you to be my eyes. I don’t think mine work any more.

Wait. How long have I been writing this? Sometimes I forget. Was the match last night? Last week? Has it even started yet? You would tell me if it hadn’t started, right? Maybe there’s still time to fix this. Fix me.

Fix me. Fix me. Fix me. Fix me.

Oh that’s right. I was in California. There was a man? there. Blake. I remember because it sounds like Blaze. Oh god. Is that why you haven’t been able to find me?

I’m sorry. I forget sometimes. It won’t be like last time. The hotel in Montreal? That wasn’t me. It isn’t me. Blake knows. You should find Blake. He will know where to find me.

Find me.    Find me.       Find me.          Find me.

I think I can hear the applause. Is IT time for my match? You would let me know, right? Maybe if I move towards IT? No. The walls are listening.

That’s why I need your eyes.

Are you watching me write this, Sonja? Are they watching me? My mother? My classmates? Ivan? TAL? The fans. Do they see me like you see me?

Do you see me? Sometimes I worry that you do. You can’t see me like this but I need you to. If you do, will you even recognize me?

My hands… they look different now. I can’t see them but I know they are. My fingernails are growing too fast. My skin is tight. I’m afraid to touch my face because I don’t know where it is.

I wish I had a mirror. That’s the only way sometimes I know which me is me. How to look. How to act.

Sometimes I can hear the voices. You know the ones.

Give me more emotion.

Give me more soul.

Give me more anger.

Give me more pain.

Give me more.

Give me.

GIVE. GIVE. GIVE.

GIVE. GIVE. GIVE.

GIVE. GIVE. GIVE.

GIVE. GIVE. GIVE.

GIVE. GIVE. GIVE.

GIVE. GIVE. GIVE.

GIVE. GIVE. GIVE.

GIVE. GIVE. GIVE.

GIVE. GIVE. GIVE.

GIVE. GIVE. GIVE.

GIVE. GIVE. GIVE.

GIVE. GIVE. GIVE.

GIVE. GIVE. GIVE.

GIVE. GIVE. GIVE. GIVE. GIVE. GIVE.

I am not sure how much more I can give.

In the darkness, when IT isn’t watching. Listening. I can still see Ivan standing over me. He’s not even winded. His breath is slow. Calm. Like a hunter knowing he has captures his prey. Slow. Calm. Like the walls.

Please find me Sonja. I think I’m still in that bathroom. The one where I embarrassed myself slipping in piss and shit and blood. Or was it grease and maple syrup? My senses are slipping away without my face, but I need my face Sonja. Please help me find my face before IT does.

Oh. That’s right. I haven’t told you yet. But you see IT too, right?

IT will feed me some times. I can’t tell if IT’s food, but it tastes different than the walls. IT is the only thing that scares away the things that are hunting me. Waiting for me to move. IT is taking me all my courage to write you this letter. The one you don’t need the words to se

Dearest Sonja,

I’m sorry, the voices were arguing again and it became unbearable. I think because I was writing about IT. They do that sometimes when IT is close… they used to take turns but now they just scream all at once.

They know what IT is and are scared. But IT is nice to me. Feeds me. They know I’m IT’s favorite.

You were never good enough. They say. You did this to yourself.

Did what to myself?

They just laugh. They know. Does anyone else know? Do you know, Sonja? What IT is I did? I can’t remember anymore… but I can feel IT.

Feel IT. Feel IT. Feel IT. Feel IT. Feel IT. Feel IT.Feel IT. Feel IT.Feel IT. Feel IT.Feel IT. Feel IT.Feel IT. Feel IT.Feel IT. Feel IT.Feel IT. Feel IT.Feel IT. Feel IT.Feel IT. Feel IT.Feel IT. Feel IT.Feel IT. Feel IT.Feel IT. Feel IT.Feel IT. Feel IT.Feel IT. Feel IT.Feel IT. Feel IT.

STOP IT!

No. Not you. YOU.

It’s been so long, Sonja. Since I've seen my face. Since I could feel my skin. Since I could taste more than the walls… maybe I do deserve this.

The voices are getting loud again. They are arguing about something I can’t quite make out. Something about a book. And about eyes. I hope they are not talking about your eyes, Sonja. You have the most beautiful eyes.

I think I hear IT again. I can hear IT moving, sliding… no, that’s not right. But it doesn’t move like a person. IT moves like a breath does. Like a shadow does. But how can you see a shadow when surrounded by darkness?

I’m afraid, Sonja. Scared that IT will take the rest of my face before you can find me. Or, maybe IT has your eyes? No… I can’t think like that. I can still feel you and your eyes.

Oh Sonja, I’m so sorry about what your eyes will see when you find me. What IT has done to me.

I have so much to tell you, Sonja. So much… but I can’t now. IT is watching and IT knows.

The paper is wet. How did it get wet? Oh, right. The walls. How long have I been writing? I can’t see the words, but I can feel them, formed out of tiny grains of dirt and sand. Why is the dirt wet?

Oh.

Dear Sonja,

Eyes are watching.

Not your eyes.

I didn’t know IT had eyes.

I can’t tell any more.

The voices stopped.

I think IT ate them.

I didn’t know IT had teeth.

IT is here.

IT says IT wants to talk.

I didn’t know IT could speak.

IT says it knows my secrets.

IT says YOU know my secrets.

Do you?

IT says IT can give me back my face.

IT asks if that is what I really want.

I can’t answer IT.

I’m afraid to answer.

I don’t know the answer.

IT knows the answer.

IT sees everything.

Those aren’t your eyes.

Are those your eyes?

IT says IT is not impressed.

But IT is not disappointed, either.

I don’t know what IT wants.

Yes I do. That’s why IT won’t leave

I can’t keep writing

IT is waking up

IT is in the walls

IT is in the floor

I am afraid IT will see me

I am afraid IT has been watching

I am afraid IT was always watching

I am afraid

I am

I