CAT-DOG

I’m not entirely sure how this all came to be. There was a time we were all the best of friends. It was brief, and it involved Conor Fuse, but we literally called ourselves the Friendship Members League. It was myself, D, Elise, Conor Fuse and Henry Keyes, and we fought against a Better Future. I guess that was more metaphorical than literal, as we all never got our better future out of it. Over time, our partnership quickly faded. Conor Fuse became an adult. Henry Keyes joined Vae Victis, left DEFIANCE, and then came back to win the FIST.

Meanwhile, Elise, who stayed behind in DEFIANCE, toiled and fought for her chances only to be screwed time and time again.

And so she left. Perhaps she thinks if she returns, maybe that’ll be the magic trick to grant her the FIST she so deserves. But it’s left me all alone in DEFIANCE, and my impact in PRIME itself is questionable at best, and non-existent at most.

The D and Elise take on Henry Keyes and Clay Byrd on the 80th edition of Revival. I’ll be there, ever dutifully in their corner, cheering them on.

It won’t get her the FIST, even if she wins… but it may get us all closer to the Tag Team Championships. As DEFIANCE’s most decorated tag team… it would be a nice feather to add to our cap.

I just hope Henry Keyes doesn’t break the PCP’s marketable faces with multiple COINS, as he’s done so often before.

**

The Harmen / Odessa Wrestling Training academy in the middle of the afternoon. It’s filled with the stench of sweat and dreams. Elise Ares throws some strikes at a heavy bag that the D holds in place. He eggs her on as she grows increasingly frustrated and angry with each blow.

The D: That’s it! Show me what you’re going to do to Henry Keyes at Revival. Show me that anger! That passion! This performance won’t just win you the Oscar, it’s going to get us directly in line for a shot at the tag team titles.

Elise Ares: Of course D. Once we destroy Vae Victis and Lindsay Troy’s butt buddies, there’s no way they deny us a shot at those belts. We’re going to take them, and we’re never going to lose them.

The D: Unless I leave it in my car and my car gets stolen.

Elise Ares: Why would you even say that D? You know Klein is responsible for our bags.

The D: Oh right. Where is he?

Elise continues to throw additional strikes as she grunts through her response.

Elise Ares: Oh. I dunno. He’s probably somewhere sulking.

The D: Really? Again today? You’d think his favorite dog just died.

Elise stops and looks deadpan at the D.

Elise Ares: He lost his cat like three days ago. You didn’t know?

The D: Oh man. Not Cat-Dog. What happened?

Elise Ares: Old age? Prolly? He was so old he could drive.

Elise hits one last heavy kick, aimed directly at the small Henry Keyes  printed out face that’s been tapped to the side of the heavy bag.

Elise Ares: Surprised he didn’t say anything to you. I had to hear from Jack. Dude’s not alright.

The D: I guess we’ve been kind of focused on ourselves too much lately. Klein’s over in DEFIANCE fighting and he just has to be window dressing when we go out and do our thing over in PRIME… And now Cat-Dog… I bet he just feels like the world is abandoning him.

Elise Ares: Things change D. Klein made his choice to stay. It was his to make.

The D: I know. It just… it feels weird. Even when we were at odds with one another, we were still always in the same company, wrestling on the same shows…

Elise Ares: If Klein wants to wrestle in PRIME I’m sure Lindsay would let him. She actually likes him, y’know. Just not this week. I need you in my corner to nullify Clay so I can focus on putting Keyes down. It won’t win me the FIST… but it’ll certainly feel good!

The D: Maybe we should do something nice for him. Let him know how much he means to us.

The D and Elise both think to themselves.

Elise Ares & the D: Nah.

Elise Ares: He’ll get over it soon. And then he’ll be the happy arm waving Klein all over again.

The D stops and stares for a moment.

The D: Are we bad people?

Elise thinks.

Elise Ares: C’mon D. We’re the best.

The D: You’re right. That was a stupid question.

Elise picks back up her pace and starts striking the heavy bag again. The D holds it in place as they continue to work out and train together throughout the afternoon.

A montage of physical activity. Some treadmill, sit ups, pull ups, a bit of a sparing session in the ring. Before long, the sun has set and the only two people remaining in the gym are D and Elise.

Well, except for one man, sitting in the top corner of some bleachers, head covered by a large cardboard box.

He finally makes a noise, but it’s not of his own volition. It’s an almost violent sneeze, that no doubt requires a deep thorough clean or replacement of his trademark box. The D and Elise both turn to the bleachers, and awkwardly wave toward the box man. Klein stands and nods, before descending down the staircase. Once he reaches ringside, he slams both his hands onto the ring apron.

Klein: D. Elise.

The D: Yo, like, sorry ‘bout Cat-Dog. I know you loved him and you gave him the best life possible.

Klein: Thanks.

Klein just takes in a deep sigh.

Klein: So, you guys trainin’ really hard for this match against Keyes. How can I help?

The D: Well, if you wanna come in here and spare with us a bit, that might help. You fought Keyes recently, gave him a run for his money a few months ago. You’re closer to his size and all. Plus Clay Byrd’s huge so we could use a big body to try a few new ideas we had.

Klein slides into the ring and steadies himself. He nods to his friends as the D and Elise begin to spare with him. Klein treats it like a real fight, taking both Elise and the D off their feet with shoulder blocks, until they double team and drop kick him out of the ring. The D tells Elise to rush off the far ropes, and when she returns, the D lifts her and rocket launchers her over the top rope and onto Klein.  Klein is ready for it, and catches her, only to put her back into the ring. The D sighs.

The D: Show off.

Klein can’t help but smile underneath his box as he continues to mix it up with his friends.

**

THIS TEXT IS BLUE. AND I DON’T LIKE IT.

**

Howdy partner, name’s Earth Eagle.  Which is way better than something stupid, like Clay Byrd.

**

There’s a bit of static as a transition, as we come back to the muted color palette of a 1990’s infomercial. Stepping into frame is the D, dressed like Don West. He shouts excitedly to the camera.

The D: Folks, welcome, and have I got the perfect product for you today. You see, have you ever been in a body of water, only to find out… there was a Kraken there!

Elise Ares bounces into frame, wearing a very tight revealing purple dress.

Elise Ares: Oh boy, have I ever! And every time, the only response I have is punching them in the face!

The D: That’s a pretty good response, but it’s not the only way to deal with the Kraken. Now! Introducing…

The D spins around a display on a table, as a spotlight shines down on it.

The D: KRAKEN REPELLENT!

Elise Ares: Kraken repellent! My God! What an ingenious idea!

The D: And it’s purchasable, today! Right now. If you call this number, 1-800-FUC-KEYE, yes that’s 1-800-FUC-KEYE, you can purchase this product for only six installment payments for $49.99. But, that’s not all! If you call in the next thirty minutes, you can also get this!

The D spins a SECOND display, which reveals a rattlesnake in a cage. It instantly tries to strike at the glass, causing a crack.

The D: Yes! A rattle snake, the deadly antidote to any lingering rustling cow-poke who’s refusing to leave your property, probably chewing on a straw, spitting tar all over your Azaleas.

Elise Ares: I have that exact problem too!

The D: A lot of people do. He just shows up places, stands around and chews the scenery. But with a rattle snake, they’ll either die or run, no questions asked!

Elise Ares: What if I need more than one snake?

The D: Because of more than one cowboy?

Elise Ares: Well no, but this one cowboy keeps coming back.

The D: We do have a snake of the month club! For $79.99, we send you a snake, no questions asked! Just, be careful when opening the top of the jar, it may be VERY hungry!

Elise Ares: What about all the people who say selling snakes in the mail isn’t humane?

The D: Fuck ‘em! Get your Kraken Repellent and Snake in a can, today! And join the Snake of the month club!

Elise Ares: Do you take Discover?

The D narrows his eyes.

The D: Get the fuck out of my studio…

**

Klein steps out of the Odessa Training Academy. Standing there with a nice black sedan is the D, holding open the back seat door. Elise waves him there like Vanna White.

Klein: What is this?

The D: We went and got you a plot, for Cat-Dog. I figured you might want to check it out and see if you like it.

Klein: Guys… you didn’t have to.

Elise Ares: We know. But actually we did.

Klein: Well… I just mean, I already cremated her.

The D: Oh.

The D exchanges a glance with Elise.

The D: Well… why don’t we go to the cat rescue? Do a little browsing?

Klein smiles. He waves them off.

Klein: Thanks, but it’s too soon. Plus, we need to focus on this tag match. If Elise can take down Keyes here… maybe it’ll bother him enough to put the FIST on the line HERE, in PRIME. Imagine, Elise Ares defeats Henry Keyes for the FIST of DEFIANCE on PRIME Revival 86 or something.

Elise Ares: DEFIANCE would never allow me to be champion.

The D: They especially wouldn’t let THAT happen.

Klein: Why not? We just had Immortals. If there was ever a time… it’s right around now.

Elise shrugs, and turns to the D, then back to Klein.

Elise Ares: So, how do we go about it?

Klein: First thing’s first… we’ve got a LOT of tape to watch.

Klein pulls open his gymbag, full of matches of Henry Keyes over the past five years. They’re all on VHS.

The D: VHS?

Klein: What, you don’t have a player?

The D: Yeah. Lemme dig it out along with my fax machine and an 8-trak tape deck.

Elise Ares: Don’t forget the laser disc.

The D: Oh I never got rid of my laser disc. It’s the best way to watch Star Wars.

Elise Ares: And you don’t have a blu-ray player?

The D: No need. So… where do we get a VHS player?

Elise and Klein look at each other. Elise rolls her eyes as Klein starts getting excited. Elise says it with derision, as Klein says it with excitement.

Elise Ares & Klein: GOODWILL!

Klein does a little dance.

Elise Ares: Oh God, not the Goodwill dance again…

The D: It makes him so happy.

Elise Ares: It just looks like the Snoopy dance…

The D: I’ll pay for the spa treatment after.

Elise Ares: Good. Cause I’ll need to exfoliate every skin follicle on my body, like, five times.

**

Elise, the D and I spent the next three days watching match footage of Henry Keyes.

I pulled out my whiteboard and used the rewind function hundreds of times. I showed them where they were out of position, where they made their costly mistakes when wrestling Keyes in the past, and how to avoid doing so in the future. Even Jack Harmen popped in for a bit and watched the footage. He seemed impressed with the FIST, wishing to fight him before the end of his wrestling career. He shared delightful insight that none of us caught on our first viewing of these tapes. 

I think with the collective intellectual and physical training Elise and the D have gone under, they’ll be ready to take down the KRAKEN and the Cowboy.

They’ll do it for Cat-Dog.