The origin of a tall tale is a strange thing.

Stranger still when that tall tale is flesh and bone and present among us all.

For Big John Pepper, no less than 23 origins have been suggested by mythologists who have studied and analyzed the American myth tradition. Some thought that the original texts were the ones about him being raised by chupacabras. Others believed that the texts which said he was birthed from the literal loins of the Grand Canyon had been the most bona fide claims.

But the 23 most popular versions all involved, to varying degrees, one simple ingredient:

Chemistry.

Some details, both large and small, may be different across all 23 origins.

However, one might find some common flavor across them all where the truth may be further divined.

Such is the nature of Mythos, friend-o. And I'd know that better than anyone.

We will now take a look at the first of 23 proposed origins.

God bless us, everyone.

👋🌧😔

“I can't do coffee, but I can do Dr. Pepper” - Cher

Waco, Texas

1882

Doctor Elvis Pepper had been hard at work in his basement, which he converted into a chemistry lab a decade before, much to the chagrin of his lovely lady wife, Doris.

But the thing about Doctor Elvis Pepper that one must always remember is that his wife mattered to him about as much as the dog, and a little more than the kids.

Both Doris and her chagrin mattered little to him, and even less once he began seeing her, and the rest of his family, as heavy objects that weighed him down, rather than subjects of his genuine love and care.

“Don't take my Amaretto from the liqueur cabinet,” Doris said one particular night when Doctor Pepper was feeling particularly creative. “I don't care what else you use. But god fucking damn it you bastard, I use the Amaretto.”

As a flavor chemist, Doctor Elvis Pepper saw potential in all manners of taste. But as he slowly grew more and more frustrated with his failings, formula after formula after formula of carbonated beverages that just didn’t cut the mustard, he had grown more desperate.

And as far as he was concerned, FUCK Doris. That women didn't give a FUCK about his legacy. His ambition.

His legend.

But he did.

It was all he cared about.

And so he replied to Doris, “Woman, don't tell me what to do. I run this shitty fuckin’ house and I run this shitty fuckin’ family. You do what I say, and I say shut the FUCK up.”

Doctor Elvis Pepper was, in fact, scum.

But even scum can have ambition.

Even scum can be flavor chemists.

And so he set about his work of concocting that perfect mixture of 23 flavors he'd been working on.

He wasn't sure if it was divinely bestowed to him or if he'd just become truly insane. But he'd become obsessed with the number 23 and its relationship to a beverage's taste.

And thus he combined the 22 ingredients he was sure of.

Almond, Blackberry, Black licorice, Caramel, Carrot, Cherry, Clove, Cola, Ginger, Juniper, Lemon, Molasses, Nutmeg, Orange, Pepper, Plum, Prune, Raspberry, Root beer, Rum, Tomato, and Vanilla.

Then, he carefully poured his final ingredient.

Amaretto liqueur.

“Johnny,” Doctor Pepper replied. “Get your stupid, little ass down here and taste this for me!”

As if waiting for a command, little footsteps could be heard descending down the stairs until a blonde-haired little seven year old in a dumb ass park ranger costume stood excitedly in front of Doctor Pepper.

“Hello father,” he said.

“Hey shithead, taste this.”

Johnny wasn't the type to question his father and get his ass whooped.

He was the type to do exactly what his father said.

So Johnny took the beaker of carbonated liquid from his father and tasted it.

Then he looked at his father and said, “That's incredible. Your best one!”

“Really?”

“Oh yes,” Johnny said, sipping it again. “It's delicious.”

Excitedly, Doctor Pepper opened his notebook and snatched a pen into his hand. “Describe how it tastes for me…”

“...”

“...Johnny?”

“...Something is different.”

“What do you mean?”

“...”

“Johnny I swear to fucking—”

Doctor Pepper cut himself off as he looked up from his notebook and saw his boy.

“...JOHNNY?”

“Father,” a much deeper voice boomed. “What has happened to me?”

Doctor Pepper stammered. His seven year old son stood before him looking like a grown man. Much bigger, even, than Doctor Pepper.

“Oh my god,” Doctor Pepper said. “You have a mustache.”

Doctor Pepper began scribbling in his notebook.

“What does this mean, Father?”

“Well,” Doctor Pepper said. “It means I'm about to make a bazillion dollars.”

“Really!?!” Johnny said excitedly.

“Yes,” Doctor Pepper said. “And I'm leaving you, your sister, and your mother.”

👋🌧😔

“I got blood that isn't fam, I got fam that isn't blood.” - Token 'Dirty Flesh' Bad news had just been shared in Randi Dick's bedroom that would shake the Dick Family for several weeks, perhaps even many more.

The lights had been out. Matchbox 20 had been playing softly from a boombox in the corner of the room.

She had been wearing a sleep mask. Randi Dick was devastated at the news. Normally, when Fred bursted into the room weeping like a baby, it was because someone hurt his feelings on jabber.

She'd always say “Baby, what happened?”

And with a quivering lip, Fred would say, “They were bein’ awful to me on the jibbers.”

And then she'd hold him while he told the story of his pain.

“Errbody ‘membered I dont have no wiener!”

That was one of his more recent ones.

But this time…

This time was different.

“It's Big John Pepper,” Fred said through the most painful expression Randi had seen on his face since he retired from wrestling. “I tried to tell him he wasn't allowed to do it. He said he's an American so he can do whatever he wants.”

“What's he trying to do, Fred?”

Fred jumped on Randi's bed, creating a ripple wave that gently tossed her side to side as Fred curled up against her body. He placed his face into her thigh and wept.

“Fred WHAT is he trying to do?”

Fred looked up at her with the face of a child being abandoned by his father.

Which made no sense, except for the fact that it kind of did.

In many ways, heroes are our fathers.

Finally, he was able to inhale, catch his breath, and cry out, “LEAVE!”

Randi suddenly felt something happen to her.

There was a cork in her heart. And suddenly, it just fell out.

And a hole in there that had been plugged for a little while now was open again.

With worry scrawling across her face, she crawled out of the bed and rushed out into the main area of the RV.

“BIG JOHN!” she screamed out, just as he closed the door behind him. She caught a glimpse of his bandana knapsack as it closed.

Had Big John Pepper just been some man in her life, she wouldn't have done anything. But he wasn't. He had quickly, without question, become the greatest friendship of her entire life. He had become her family, in ways that her family wasn't even her family.

She ran out the door.

It was cold and morning and there was dew on the grass and there were June bugs out even though it was only April and as her eyes found Big John Pepper stuffing himself into the driver's seat of Toddrick's 1998 Dodge Dakota, she screamed.

It wasn't a word.

It was just a heartbroken, gutteral scream.

She sprinted for the truck as it started to pull away, and she threw herself in front of it.

Big John Pepper applied the brake.

He slammed on the horn of the truck.

Randi stood to her feet, dusting the gravel and dirt off of her.

“You don't get to just run away without saying nothing to me, Big John Pepper!”

Big John Pepper laid on the horn.

“No! No! You tell me why! Tell me why!!!”

Tears streamed down Randi's face as Big John Pepper put the truck in reverse, and pulled out into the grass to escape.

He wasn't getting away that easy. Randi ran out in front of his path in the grass.

“NO!!!!” She screamed.

Finally, Big John Pepper rolled the window down. He stuck his head out and said, “Randi, I have got to go.”

“Why?” She said. “Just tell me why.”

“It will take too long,” Big John Pepper said. “As you can see, I'm stealing Toddrick's truck.”

“Fuck Toddrick,” Randi said. “You don't just… you don't just abandon your family without telling them why.”

Randi's bottom lip quivered just as Fred's had done moments ago. Big John sighed and beckoned Randi to come around to the driver's side and talk to him.

She walked up to the window. Big John Pepper thought about just flooring it right there, now that she was out of his way.

But that seemed too cruel.

Even for a guy abandoning his family.

“I love you Randi,” Big John said, reaching his hand out the window.

She took his hand in hers and said, “I love you too.”

Big John Pepper squeezed his eyes really, really hard, so that he wouldn't cry, but that could only stop the river – creeks escaped out the corners of his lids.

And he said, “I have to go.”

“Why? I just want to know why.”

Big John Pepper shook his head.

“You'll never forgive me for this,” he said. “So just… just… forget me instead.”

He slammed his foot on the gas and hauled ass away from the Dick Family compound.

Randi Dick felt played. She felt betrayed. She felt just like when her step-dad left her mom and he swore he'd always be her daddy but he wasn't. She felt the way she felt when she was using drugs and ran out. She felt the way she felt when she stopped believing in God when she was 13.

Toddrick ran out of the teepee screaming, “HE STOLE MY TRUCK DIDN'T HE!?! HE STOLE MY FUCKING TRUCK!!!”

Randi decked him in the face and stormed towards the RV.

It'd be a miracle if she didn't set everything on fire before the night fell.

Because all of the sudden, Randi Dick didn't give a fuck about anything.

Not even the least little bit.

👋🌧😔

“For it is said, that when that due time, or appointed time comes, their foot shall slide.” - Jonathan Edwards Hard to believe, ain't it?

How can somebody walk into your life, make it so good, and walk out without a care in the world?

And to do it to someone like Randi Dick, someone who needed you? And you showed up in their life and taught them how to love themselves? And taught them how to trust others?

Just to undo all of it, every last dang bit of it, in an early morning in April.

It's enough to break someone in half.

Hi again, compadre.

It's me. Your friendly neighborhood Mythos.

And I'm not here to justify what Big John Pepper did to Randi, Fred, STRONK TWO, and the Lasagna Boys.

Because make no mistake, all of them will be affected in various, negative ways.

All of them will compartmentalize their hurt differently.

And express it in very negative ways.

Gosh, it infuriates the heck out of me.

You think you know somebody, and then they pull some crap like this.

I ain't gonna sit here and explain that he never meant to run into these people. I ain't gonna talk to you, a human being, and say that he is a Tall Tale and belongs in that club instead of with the Dick Family.

Because he DID run into these people. And he DOES belong with the Dick Family.

I reckon that don't mean a damn thing to anybody anymore, though.

You wanna know the worst thing about all this?

I mean, the absolute sorriest thing about it?

The sorriest thing about the Abandonment Business is that it's not just the Abandonee that gets broken, but the Abandoner.

You wouldn't think that's true, but, if you ever speak to someone who abandoned a good family, especially if that family was their own, you'll know I'm right.

They all end up haunted. Either by those they abandoned, or by mental illness, or by their own lack of character.

For Big John Pepper, he was haunted before he ever crash landed on Fred Dick's RV. So he didn't particularly care if he ended up haunted after.

Truthfully, he wasn't haunted by anything all the selfish among us are haunted by.

Legacy.

Ambition.

Legend.

And people who are haunted by those ideas always end up being the most unreliable family.

It's just what they do.

Maybe the lesson here is not to invite a tall tale in your home and let them get close to you.

But I don't think that's what it is.

I think the lesson is…

If you're the type of guy who is so selfish that you would abandon your people for your own glory, don't start a family.

Oh, wait.

We already learned that lesson, didn't we? With Rusty, who was on the verge.

Big John scolded him for wanting to abandon his family for his own glory.

Well... I reckon that just because he's a Big John Hypocrite, doesn't mean he was Big John Wrong.

It just means that he's Big John Selfish.

And that makes me really, really sad, actually.

Because as you know…

Tall tales aren't allowed to change.

👋🌧😔

Hi Nate,

Do you… like primates?

Do you want to see me… stick…

Gulp.

…nine inch nails through each one of my eyeplates?

Sorry. 

Miguel said I should start my promo off that way. Something about, “you'd get it,” and how it would be good for the continuation of his blood-feud with you. 

I worry that it's not just some inside joke between the two of you, but something worse.

If so, I apologize. That's not my intention.

The truth is, I wanted to start off by saying something else.

…Well, here it goes.

Did you know that I don't even remember my first family?

It's true. And pathetic. And sad. 

My life has been so full of adventure and weird occurrences that I like to think my brain had to make room for new information, so it had to delete the old.

But I see you, and I see that I just make excuses for my behavior.

Because you're the type of man who would never consider your family “old information.”

Because you're the type of man who would never leave family behind. 

Because you're the type of man who would never forget who your family are.

But I'm the opposite.

And…

I'm just so ashamed of that, Nate.

I look at you and I search for excuses somewhere within me. Some ore of raw, unprocessed reason that I can mine from my brain and cast into the fire, and beat it with a hammer, until I can fashion it into a shield to ward me from my own criticism.

Maybe the fact that your family had values to keep you all together.

Maybe the fact that you are just a sentimental guy, such that you still have a stuffed animal.

“See? I'm a good man!” I can scream at myself, holding up this shield. “I'm good! I swear, I'm good! Nate's just different! That's all.”

But it's not true.

I'm just a bad person.

And you aren't. 

Guys like me, our morality isn't as important as the lessons we impart to those who hear our stories. 

Perhaps the ultimate lesson from all of this story of mine is the one I've never learned, but which came so innately as part of your core.

That loyalty to those who love you is paramount.

That family matters more than anything.

Because family are the ones who cherish you the most.

This morning, you know what I did, Nate?

I abandoned my family.

My second family.

The people who stopped their lives to help me.

And people who, in turn, I made whole.

But look what I've done.

I've ruined it all.

And why did I do that?

Because I'm selfish.

Because the key to the club I belonged to was taken from me, and I want it back.

A club.

Not a family. NOT A FAMILY.

A freaking club.

So I departed from people who love me.

To ultimately rejoin people who don't want me around.

And to do so, I'm being something I never thought a guy like me would ever be.

A bandit.

So when we meet in the ring at ReVival, I want you to know ahead of time that there are things I'm willing to sacrifice that you couldn't even stomach the thought of. You couldn't even sit with it for more than a minute, could you?

Is there anything at all that you would sacrifice your family for?

No?

Not even the Universal Championship, huh?

Well, that's why you aren't a tall tale.

And that's why I am.

I just wish being a tall tale… you know…

Didn't hurt so freaking much.

All the freaking time.

 👋🌧😔

“Then the bandit turned tail and broke for the open.” - Cornell Woolrich, ‘Night and Day’ The ‘98 Dodge Dakota sat parked at the edge of a private runway.

Big John Pepper's first theft.

Someone should probably clarify egg banditry to Big John Pepper before he tries to steal the Mona Lisa.

Then again, maybe not.

With his knapsack thrown over his shoulder, Big John looked out at the runway.

The plane was ready.

The door was open.

The stairs were down.

An ominous glow beckoned him from within the plane.

Normally, Big John Pepper would wonder where such a plane would be taking him.

But, strangely, he didn't care.

Wherever it was headed, it wasn't going home.

Which was just fine with Big John Pepper, because home was where the heart was.

And he knew better than anybody that at this particular juncture in his life?

His heart was the last thing he needed.