Joe Fontaine's 67-Point Bitchin' Anatomy of the Perfect Pro Wrestling Entity Constructed Using the Hard Sciences and Maybe A Few Assorted Farm Fresh V

Hi!

It’s me, Joe Fontaine!

I mean, duh. You saw the title of the thesis, right?

I’m typing “normally” for a change, because I’ve decided that this is important enough that I have to actually listen to such stupid concepts like “punctuation” and “proper capitalization”.

Okay, actually, I’m just dictating this to fabby. 

fabby, you’d better spell your name with the exact specifications you’re known by, or there will be trouble, mister.

So, guys.

Hear me out.

I’ve been at this for like a few years now, and that gives me the experience and knowhow and scientific knowledge to create THE perfect pro wrestler!

No, no, I hear what you’re saying.

“Joe, there is no such thing!”

“Joe, we already have Cecilworth and FLAMBERGE and Hayes, and they’re already pretty damn perfect!”

“Joe, even you can’t fix fabby!”

I hear you. I do.

Especially the part about fabby, because that guy’s got issues! 

Remember to write that down verbatim, fabby. 

Ain’t nobody don’t need no un-confusion here.

But don’t worry! This list of things that I believe are inherent in the perfect pro wrestler that I am inventing using nothing but science and fact and aesthetics is above board and scientific and has ZERO Russian influence whatsoever! And if that isn’t the most believable and trustworthy list of traits, then I don’t know what is!

So, without further ado, let’s put this thing together!

1. I’m going to use he/him pronouns to describe this fine specimen of professional wrestling greatness, but just for clarity, a truly perfect wrestler has no need for gender norms or roles! Yay!
2. His name will be John Grappling, First of His Name, Thirty-Sixth of His Line, and Sixty-Ninth of Your Mom. So, just John Grappling.
3. He is “Johnny” to his friends, so naturally that means everyone calls him John Grappling.
4. He must be five feet and eleven inches tall and weigh in at about two hundred and sixty pounds.
5. He knows how to do a bodyslam, which already puts him above about 10% of the PRIME roster.
6. He has a shaved head save for a large tuft at the back of his head that looks less like hair and more like an alien growth.
7. He insists, however, that he has not been possessed by a body snatcher despite alien behaviors like eating his hot dogs sideways, putting mushrooms in his chili, eating pizza with uncooked cheese, and being an Alexei Ruslan fan.
8. Despite his physique and his adamant refusal to wear a mask, he classifies himself as a “luchador”.
9. He once tried to wrestle in a Covid face mask in order to “live la lucha life”, but was unable to breathe after a hot and heavy minute of action and tapped out. The mask was declared the winner, to the protests of his opponent.
10. He has since spoken out about the dangers of lucha libre, and considers anyone wearing a mask to be a luchador regardless of the mask’s design – this includes people wearing gas masks, ski masks, protective cloths over their face, and “whatever the fuck the Anglo Luchador wore on his head the first month he was in PRIME, because that shit ain’t no mask”.
11. He once tried to do a lucha dive and the entire event has been catalogued as an anomalous event that should never occur again by the government. Which government? Yes.
12. The six people in attendance for that show – which includes one referee and his opponent - are still under evaluation at a mental health clinic.
13. He’s a very cerebral kind of wrestler, which is why all of his matches are twenty minutes of headlocks and yelling in his opponent’s ear “AM I IN YOUR HEAD YET?” over and over again.
14. Half his opponents and most of the audience file noise complaints to local authorities over it.
15. He is not part of a cult.
16. He once got invited to a cult but refused to join because they couldn’t serve him soft serve butterscotch ice cream.
17. He once tried to start a fan club around his love for butterscotch ice cream, but quit when he realized it was becoming too much like a cult.
18. He will not be hired for Ice Cream despite his cult-like love for butterscotch ice cream for reasons we won’t be specifying at this time. I heard Sid showed up over there! Weird!
19. He is not from Ontario, Quebec, Tennessee, Seattle, Hawaii, Indiana, New England, the U.S. Virgin Islands, Russia, or Greenland. Those places are all super lame and nothing but lame people come from them.
20. His entrance music is performed by himself and his backup band, John Grappling’s Screaming Puckering Butthole, and it’s a cover of “My Way” by Limp Bizkit. Despite being an absolutely cacophonous-sounding mess that involves at least one set of bagpipes going through a bout of depression, music critics would agree that this cover is superior to the Limp Bizkit original in every way.
21. He denies that West Virginia exists or that he’s ever wrestled there, despite spending a year working for West Virginia State Championship Wrestling and even holding its illustrious West Virginia State Championship for most of his time there because of a clerical error.
22. He politely turned down challenging for the Southern Heritage KKK Championship despite not even being in discussion for challenging for such an illustrious championship.
23. In his debut match for WVSCW, he insisted on taking a forty-five minute break after he took one single arm drag from his opponent and that he’d come back later and finish the rest of the match once everyone agreed that arm drags were a drag. He was counted out and lost the match. He promptly filed a complaint to the West Virginia State Athletic Commission in crayon, which he insists is the only viable way to file complaints to any athletic commission.
24. By the way, if there’s such a thing as the West Virginia State Athletic Commission, it’s probably about as wildly disappointing as the rest of the state. Couldn’t even be bothered to come up with their own name, you had to be the “West” version of something that already exists!
25. After this incident, he claims that since professional wrestling is work that he should be allowed to take breaks otherwise it goes against any and all labor agreements that keep this country together.
26. He once vandalized billboards in Beckley, West Virginia with his own fecal matter because he thought it was the best pigment to signify what he felt about the place. He was shocked when he was charged with a misdemeanor.
27. He once got arrested for trying to use his first finishing move, the Fecaline, at a Waffle House. Not because he assaulted anyone, but because the Fecaline involves rubbing his arm in his own shit before hitting them with it, and that’s just not sanitary in a Waffle House, man. That one Waffle House loser is crying right now.
28. He once tried to become a referee for WVSCW, but refused to wear stripes and insisted on wearing a black and white leopard print crop top instead and the tiniest shorts available to him. During his first match as a referee, he made a three count by lying on his back and performing a backstroke as though he were trying to swim in an Olympic pool. After making a count of three, he called for the bell despite the fact that one of the wrestlers kicked out at one. He was relieved of his refereeing duties shortly thereafter.
29. He thinks the 35th State of the Union is called Utah’s Dick – the panhandle of the state of Utah. This, of course, is despite the fact that Utah is the 44th.
30. He is not a Time Lord.
31. He attempted to become a Time Lord by performing the twenty-one sacraments, but he was thwarted after the second sacrament because he couldn’t find any other Sacramentos on the map than the one in Kentucky. By the way, did you even know there’s a Sacramento in Kentucky? God. That’s some real Temu fabby energy right there. Nobody should live in Kentucky.
32. No, there aren’t even twenty-one Sacramentos.
33. His catchphrase is “It’s Lighthouse Time, Baby!”
34. He is most certainly not a fabby. He’s neither the genuine article nor one of the ones I got from Temu that one time. He has more self-respect than that. You are still writing all these down, right, fabby?
35. He worked at the Wall Drug that one time and was disappointed that there wasn’t also a Floor Drug because then it would be much easier for him to acquire One Drug.
36. He lives by the creed of “DO LUNCH OR BE LUNCH,” which is why he burned down a sign with a dinosaur and screamed at it.
37. He would later try to wrestle at the Wall Drug wearing no shirt and just a bright pink speedo, wearing a bib and carrying a fork and knife, ready to make his opponents become lunch. He was promptly arrested when he tried to eat two customers. To be fair, they had it coming.
38. While in the slammer, he somehow got hold of a permanent marker and drew a series of crude “prison tattoos” on his arms and legs. They were all dickbutts. Nobody was impressed.
39. One day, he’ll wrestle Lindsay Troy and everyone will rejoice. Remember bullet point #32.
40. While trying to organize a wrestling show in the slammer, he’ll come up with a new finishing move where he pulls out a shiv and stabs a guy. Washed up wrestling podcasters hate it!
41. His aforementioned hair-and-not-an-alien-growth will detach from him during this time and take the blame for any and all of his crimes, allowing him to walk free, because that’s how crime works in the year of our lord 2026!
42. Don’t worry, he’s the perfect pro wrestler so he definitely gets a replacement alien hair growth thing from Turkey or something. I don’t know. Do they have weird alien growth transplants over there? I’m thinking yes. We’re gonna say yes. I say it, and therefore it is so. Poof.
43. While in Turkey, he got down on all fours with his fork and knife and attempted to eat the ground. Tried to gobble it right up. He was disappointed to find out that the country of Turkey is not entirely made up of deli meat.
44. You won’t guess what he attempted to do next after he shouted that he would “fuck the world” over this misleading naming.
45. He tried to get on the moon after that, and that’s a whole situation. They put John Grappling on the moooooooooooooon.
46. By the way, John Grappling tried to call himself Johnny Wrestling once and PCW called and told him to knock that off.
47. That’s weird, though. I never even heard of PCW before that phone call.
48. Yes, fabby, I know I didn’t actually receive a phone call. Shut the Whole Foods fuck up. God. I can’t with this guy.
49. Okay. So bit a changeup here. I want you to imagine that you are Aaron Baseball. Aaron Baseball is a cold, unfeeling baseball robot who bats real good and he’s kind of a shitty person and he unfortunately plays for the Yankees. Because of course he does. Aaron Baseball steps up to the plate, his galactic baseball bat in hand. And who does he see taking the mound? That’s right. Johnny Grappling. What does he do? What can he do? What life choices did Aaron Baseball make that led him to this moment? Those thoughts flood his mind like emotions he’s never once felt before in his life. He starts questioning what he’s doing in that moment. Has he always been able to swing a bat? Has his entire life, devoted to the swinging of this bat, been a lie? Has his one useful function in this life been placed under the microscope, and now he wonders if devoting himself to playing this one aspect of an otherwise meaningless professional sport was the right call? Is the world an absurd caricature of life that he gets paid generational wealth just to be able to swing a bat really good about one out of every two or three times? He watches John Grappling, waiting to see what he will do. He watches as his manifold elbow joints unfurl a fastball directly towards him.
50. So yeah. Anyway, John Grappling beans the umpire right in the junk and that’s the last we ever see of him on the mound, because he doesn’t actually play for the Rangers and doesn’t really even know how to throw a baseball. And probably doesn’t even know what a baseball is.
51. He is chased off the mound by seventeen angry basesball men and several umpires and at least one dog.
52. After another inning of play, he will return to the mound wearing what he believes to be a luchador mask.
53. He is promptly chased off the mound by seventeen angry basesball men and several umpires and at least one dog.
54. After this incident, he develops his second finishing maneuver, a ripcord into a low blow called the 1931 Spanish General Election. I wish I’d thought of that one! Maybe I’ll steal it one day. In memory of John Grappling.
55. Just to be clear, Aaron Baseball is in therapy for all of the crimes John Grappling did. The many crimes. One of crime. His therapist is a real chatty cathy, too.
56. John Grappling once tried to run a horse race track alongside the horses, because he’s the type of guy who always bets on himself.
57. Needless to say, he’s going to be in so much debt, guys. This fuckin’ economy, am I right?
58. 🐴
59. John Grappling does not believe in angles. Protractors mystify and terrify him, and showing him one will cause him to throw out Fecalines and 1931 Spanish General Elections to everyone in a one mile radius so watch the fuck out.
60. He thinks the Pythagorean Theorem is a sex position written in the Kama Sutra, and I think that’s just adorable. Nobody tell him otherwise!
61. Do not recite the words “sine, cosine, and tangent” to John Grappling. They are the old foul words and something eldritch may erupt from his twenty-seven orifices and that’s definitely somebody’s problem.
62. Anyway, he did not perish in a clown car crash with the rest of Missouri Valley, so now he’s everybody’s problem. Don’t worry, though, I heard Baron Taterton did his dank necromancy there and now there's zombies all over up in there trying to eat the brains that they never had in life. Fuckin’ York.
63. He’s in league with the gnomes, which I’m only throwing out there because I know that it cranks my dad, and nobody needs to get cranked more than that guy.
64. He once tried to be a gnome Virtual YouTuber named Johnny Grapgraps, who is a normal dude but with a still-living alligator melded into his flesh. Viewers describe the experience of his streams as “horrifying” and “oh god kill it with fire” and “an ongoing Twitch meltdown about the results of his last match!”
65. He will finally build up the nerve to ask Lindsay Troy to hear him out about getting signed with PRIME, and Lindsay Troy will laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh for like two straight hours, long enough to grow beyond awkward and requiring LT to go to the hospital from a lack of oxygen. Wade will throw him out of the building on his head about a half-hour into it. It’s a whole thing. He will then be attacked by one more Enemigo than is necessary to beat him to near death, which is weird because I didn’t think there could be a negative number of Enemigos.
66. The moral to this story is… How would he even get in a room with the boss to have this sort of conversation in the first place?
67. Okay, real talk, I’m only ending this at 67 because it cranks some people and that makes me laugh. Ooooh, I’m waving my hands back and forth, lookit me go! Six-Seven, baby! I’m an adult! Anyway, I think John Grappling dies on his way back to his home planet of Grappleflex VI and that’s the perfect pro wrestler!

Bye-bee!

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Oh. Right. I almost forgot.

fabby, take some more notes.

Ahem.

Hey, Anna.

Good to see you again.

You know, it occurs to me that we’ve both been here for a long time. Going on almost half a decade, I think.

Prolly a blink for you.

In a lot of ways, I guess I’m surprised we’re both still here. A lot of folks might be in your spot and consider giving up, and you haven’t! Bravo! And a lot of people might look at me and think “wow, I can’t believe PRIME hasn’t cut this guy that wrestles like two times a year already!” or “haven’t you gotten bored yet?” or “how come you died that one time and was a ghost haunting Jabber and then you came back and nobody talks about that whole you dying thing anymore?” Bravo to me, too!

Anyhoodle, as you already know - wins and losses don’t matter here. It’s all about how much fun you have.

And I have so many ways I could have fun here.

Sure, LT won’t let me bring the can of bees – and I don’t blame her, because what if they sting you and then the bees become evil space bees from your influence and then it causes some sort of global crisis from evil space bees? I don’t want that and LT doesn’t want that and I’m pretty sure you don’t give a shit, so I think it evens out to everyone not wanting that. I haven’t done the math.

But I could always go back to the jolf well. That’s worked out for me before. I have so many jolf clubs I haven’t even thought to try out yet! I put a speak-and-spell on one of them so that half of the roster can finally learn some goddamn English when I bludgeon them! I call it the 3-Spell. I’m good at names.

Or, how about this, for your consideration?

How about we just do this normally?

As fellow professional wrestlers?

What if I, the son of a twice Hall of Fame professional wrestler, took you on? Man to alien or whatever’s funniest for the bit right now? What if I, the top student of the greatest Universal Champion in this company’s history – and also the third or fourth best one I guess – met you head on? What if fun-loving silly boy Joe Fontaine won?

What then?

What excuse would you come up with this time?

Why don’t we find out together?

It’ll be fun!

Okay, bye-bees.

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Get it?

Because of the can of…

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You know what, fabby, stop dictating.

...

And for the love of Anubis, stop doing the ellipses for dramatic effect, we’re not live-recapping another company’s shitty main event.