Dr. Zeke D. Badguy, Esq. Reads a Prepared Statement (And Other Things)

Hello, yes!

I am the venerable Dr. Zeke D. Badguy, Esq., professional wrestling's first and preeminent lawyer-doctor. I have been instructed by my client, Mister Stefon Lummox, to read a prepared statement on his behalf prior to his upcoming match against Flamberge and the Parsley Pope, during which time Stefon will no doubt be pulverized into a fleshy paste that looks not unlike strawberry jam, but which no one should ever want to spread over their many English muffins.

Here is that statement in its entirety.

Ahem.

"Please, oh please, do not hit me in the head and face. I know that both of you probably really want to, but it would make me very sad if you were to hit me in the head and face."

I'm going to stop there because the rest of it is very whiny, and it goes on for another three whole sentences, and none of us have the time or energy to sit through that right now. In short, I will summarize what remains in Stefon's statement.

Stefon is very scared because he once tried to turn Flamberge's sex bits into processed deli meats, and he fears that his own bip-bip will be stomped into a coarse grind, which you should absolutely not make burger patties with. That would be very bad, and very disgusting, and no one would want to come to your cookout, because that is not the kind of party I want my award-winning potato salads anywhere near.

Nor would I want my award-winning macaroni salads there.

Stefon goes on to offer many briberies, something that, as a lawyer, I can get behind. He is willing to offer a case of yellow mustard packets to anyone who does not hit him in the face. Personally, I think this is a lowball offer, and the least he could do would be to offer spicy brown mustard. Perhaps some of those little salt and pepper packets thrown in for good measure to sweeten the deal.

Stefon Lummox is willing to trade condiments for his physical safety.

As his lawyer, I am bound by our agreement to present this offer to you both, even though I think there is room for negotiation.

Having said that, I would like to appeal to your humanity on my client's behalf, in the hope that he will stop trying to hide behind the furniture. It is due to have a new plastic tarp applied, and we can't remove the old one when Stefon is clinging to it like a hungry tick, you see.

Please, for the benefit of Stefon, do not hit him in the head and face.

There, I said it.

I have fulfilled my obligations.

Having said that, feel free to hit Stefon anywhere else that you would like, unless that area would get you sent to wrestle jail. If you are convicted of a wrestle crime, then you must go to the wrestle jail. I don't make the rules, but these are the rules, and so as a lawyer-doctor, I feel that I must tell you about the rules.

The rules say that if you commit a wrestle crime, the Jetman will take you to wrestle court, and you will have to listen to a beefy islander man tell you about the taco club and the one time he did a comic book signing. If you try to get away and bonk him on the head, then his other personality might show up, and believe me when I tell you that nobody wants that. As a doctor, I can confirm that this is exactly how having multiple personalities works, and you would do well to remember that before bonking anyone on the head, but especially the Jetman.

The wrestle jail is built under the arena, so if you are sent to the wrestle jail, you may have to share your cell with one or more Aceldamas, and you will be fed nothing but a diet of mad burgers while men in sex masks jab you with cattle prods.

I am not sure if that is a sex thing, but it sounds like it could be.

You will not get to have the conjugal visits with married women if you get sent to the wrestle jail.

Please, for your own sake, do not commit wrestle crimes against Stefon Lummox.

Also, do not hit Stefon Lummox in the tum-tum. He has had very many tummy troubles since The Mayonnaise Incident, and is only just starting to normalize. One wrong move and he will undo all of my very good and right medical advice, and his body will turn back into a Wendy's with a broken Frosty machine.

No one wants this.

It would not be the most magical fucking night of either of your lives.

No one denies this.

So on Stefon's behalf, I implore both Flamberge and the Parsley Pope not to commit any wrestle crimes.

Do not make Stefon Lummox wear the grown-up baby diapers.

Again.