The Old Man & The Sun

█ - ⑤ - ④ - ③ - ② - ① - FADE IN: 2024, An Empty Highway - Almost Sunset

I can't be around people right now, so I take Carrie out for a night drive. It's been a while since we've had a good one.  A proper night drive should let you empty your brain and make your soul feel lighter than a kitten's whisker.

That's exactly what I need to feel right now, lighter. Because all I wanna do is hurt someone.

Oh, Carrie's by bike, by the way. It was rude of me not to properly introduce her earlier.  She's a yellow-jacket CBR-650R, custom detailed and impeccably maintained by yours truly. 'Bout four years old now. Technically, she's "Carrie the Third."

"Carrie, the First of Her Name," she was a mean machine, an old but persistent Nighthawk I bought from my cousin Eric when I was eighteen. Bastard overcharged me cause he knew I was desperate to leave my parent's place.  Almost didn't graduate high school with the number of hours I was working to buy her.

You may think doing all that for a bike is stupid, but for a kid stuck in a decaying house with a drunk father and a mother slowly detaching from reality, those wheels were freedom, a future.

We reach the part of the interstate and never get any love.  I understand why; it gets hilly, turns are sharp, and it doesn't have the straightaways for poking the sound barrier. But boy, is it quiet. Quiet enough to sort things out my way.

I want to enjoy this ride in case it's my last. Speculation on the forums is that Rob breaks my kneecaps after he beats me in under a minute. Several bloggers have posted premature obituaries for me. I've even gotten flowers for my funeral sent to my dressing room. It's okay. Let them think I'm weak.  Let them think-

Suddenly, there's another thrum. Another motorcycle races up and takes its place behind me, keeping pace with every turn and valley. Every time I try to pull away, he catches up to me. Like a fly buzzing in my ear, killing the quiet.

I can't think like this.

Who is this guy?

Is this a race?

Am I winning?

Or does he just want me to go faster?

Either way I'd like to kick his ass.

No! You were getting so good at nonviolent conflict resolution before You-Know-Who flipped you into a table. Don't go back there.

Remember: You didn't like who you used to be.

2010, A High School - Day

Got into my first fight when I was fourteen.

First time was to scare off some punks bullying my older brother Dio. I love him with all my heart, but he's allergic to standing up for himself. Somebody had to help. So I did, even though he didn't ask me to....and I was half their size.

But whatever. I took the fight to the bigger kids cause that's what a hero like Jackie Chan would do, right? That's what someone real tough like Rob Williams would do.

Can you believe we really used to watch him in those days. Complete marks. It was pathetic. But back then, with his cigar and Charlotte by his side, he really looked invincible.

Got my first black eye from that fight. Mom was pissed! She yelled at me like I'd pissed in the Eucharist wine. But Dad, stayed behind her, and every now and then, when he was sure he wasn't looking, he'd flash me a smirk or a nod.  Good job son, he said without speaking. This is how you get your old man's approval.

So how many more fights did I pick in high school? Yes.

I didn't care. Even with me on the edge of expulsion, Dad always gave a little smirk when he heard the details.  Sure he'd put on his mad face and stand by Mom as she screamed and begged me to stop destroying my life.  That little smirk, to me, was everything.

You need to understand, before that smirk, the only time my Dad took a real interest in me was when I was around nine or ten, and these two random guys passed us on the street. Suddenly, he goes into full panic. He grabbed my arm like there was an active shooter and pulled me into a convenience store. Mom ran behind just as confused as I was.

He whispered frantically in my mother's ear, looking around like we were surrounded by enemies.

No. As my mother explained years later, those guys had been holding hands and my father was petrified I'd seen them. That was it. Not all parts of California are San Francisco.

We stayed in that convenience store long enough for him to be sure the street was gay-less. He bought me a Spongebob ice cream and asked me how school was going. Even though I didn't understand what he was 'protecting' me from, I loved feeling. I liked that I was the center of his world, even if only for a moment. It's my favorite memory of him.

2014, Outside a Bar - Night

The issue with fighting at school is, eventually, the school threatens to kick you out. So you need to improvise.

Picture this: Late at night. A neon-lit street. Two boys stumble down the street; both look too young to be this drunk. Holding on to each other for dear life, trying to talk down the street.

The boy on the left (JULIO) is dressed clean, preppy. The other wears a leather jacket he still needs to bulk into and a yellow bandanna tied around his head to hide an already retreating hairline. That's me at seventeen when I still went by BANI.

Bani (whispering): Okay, keep quiet we're almost to the thing.

Julio (regular): Come ooon, Bani, let's just go home.

Oh Julio you were terrible at being a secret lover because your parents supported you. It's what made you good for this.

Julio: Isn't Dio parked close by? You're too drunk to drive.

Bani: Shhhhhhh. Listen to that.

We approach the bar and hear loud, harsh punk blaring from the speakers. I spy a few punks, some with shaved heads and tattoos of not-so-Christian crosses.

They walk out for a smoke and Julio squeezes my arm instinctively.  One of the punks notices and elbows his buddies.  

Julio: No, nope, I'm texting your brother-

That's when I grab him by the collar and give him the sloppiest wine kiss that, in my mind, is theatrical. It's not a good kiss, nor is it meant to be.

I try to spin and dip Julio but he is having none of it.  He pushes me away and looks around in a panic.

Julio: Here?? Are you fucking crazy??

Yeah, bud, a little. 

I dig a tire iron out of my inside pocket, and it's on. I don't hear any of the slurs or crack of bones, mine or otherwise.  Why would I? I'm having a great time. I didn't realize until they were running away that one of them stuck me in the leg.

I can definitely feel it now. The adrenaline fades, and blood starts gushing from my leg.

I hit the ground and apply pressure as best I can. Julio panics and calls the police. He can't even look at me. He knows what I did and'll never speak to me again after this.

No one wants to admit it, but there is a thrill in hurting another person. Why? I couldn't tell ya. All I know is that when I fight, I feel...Unburdened? Like I've earned the right to live for another day like I've proven myself. To whom? Guess.

Dad wouldn't look at me the same after that night.  Not because I'd broken a guy's arm with a tire iron but because Julio's mom outed me when she met my parents at the police station.

Happened in the blink of an eye. She was chatting with my parents in the police parking lot.  "When they started seeing each other..." his mom said, so casually. Boom. Wasted.

It was an accident. Why wouldn't this be small talk? It was no big deal for his family. It's 2014, after all. Everyone's watching Modern Family, and there were even out & proud kids at school. Why wouldn't I be one of them?

I should've just told them I was still in the closet. I just didn't wanna look like a coward.

2024, An Empty Highway - After Sunset

My brother, Dio, wanted me to go to this beach fire his church group is throwing tonight.

He assured me it's one of those chill churches that's inclusive and teaches kids penguins can be gay, but it's not my scene. Aggressive youth pastor types who sing acoustic Christian rock like they're on the cross themselves? No thank you.

Dio and I only just started talking again after he, uh, cut me off for being an addict piece of shit. He was my best friend, and I stole his money and lied to his face, among other things...but we've been rebuilding.

I'm terrified I'll destroy everything again.

I look behind me on the road.

This asshole is still tailing me.

Fuck around and find out, motherfucker. I could use a punching bag.

2015, Inside A Car - Night

Neither of my parents talked to me much after that night. I didn't mind. It wasn't real issue until Dio left for school.

Then I was alone, with them. Things worsened after Dad lost his job and could only find something part-time.  Mom was making more money than him now. He couldn't stand it. And with only his least favorite kid in the house, he started drinking alone.

Before I graduated high school I became my Dad's DD.

It led to only time I ever hit him.

Picture this: It's 1:00AM, and my Dad calls me dead drunk 'cause kicked out of 'party' at a motel because some 'bitches’ were 'too sensitive.' His words not mine.

I did my best to help him into the car. My Dad's a tall man 6'4" with the build of a former athlete who switched the gym for Coors long ago.

Dad:  I know you don't understand, but your mother...She was different when I married. She was so...happy. Not so stressed all the time, making it all a fucking production. You know.

I know how she screams at us every time you leave. I know she's gotten letters from your mistresses who wanted you to get a divorce. I'd be pretty fucking different too.

Bani:  It's whatever. We're almost home.

Dad:  (slurring) My whole family's gone, Bani.

Bani:  I'm right here.

Dad:  No one can stand to be around your mother nowadays. Your sister's too busy in the city to visit. Your brothers off at school, he doesn't have time for any of us.

Funny, he always has time for me.

Dad:  And you---

His face starts contorting. I'm not sure if he's about scream at me or throw up.

Dad: You were supposed to be my son. Ya know, not a pussy like Dio, but a son son, you know?  Now my son, the one I had, is dead. You killed him.

I hold every emotion in.  Lock it away in a dark corner of myself. I refuse to feel weak around him. Dad starts crying, the ugly, convulsing kind.

Dad: (sobbing) I don't know what we did to hurt you. I don't know why you're punishing us. We love you so, so much. You know that, right? But you chose this lifestyle-

Bani: (serrated) I didn't choose shit-

Dad: You speak to your father like that?

I shut up.

Dad: You're upset because you're young, you're stupid, and you think you have all the answers, but you know nothing! I pray you never learn what it is to lose a son.

But I'm right here... I'm not dead... I'm right here...

Dad: Your mother would like you out of the house as soon as possible after graduation. You understand, right?

Bani:  Perfectly.

Dad:  And how a bit of goddamn respect for your Old Man. You have no appreciation for how hard this has all been for me-

I swerve the car out of our lane and back in with violent precision. The whiplash sends Dad's head bouncing against the window with a satisfying THUMP!

Dad: The fuck???

Bani: Pothole.

So there it is.  The one time I physically assaulted my Dad.  I should have crashed the car, but I didn't know how to do that with style yet.

I didn't stick around for much longer.  He didn't know I'd been taking precision driving classes.  He didn't know my bags were packed and my bus ticket booked for Hollywood.

I never spoke to him in a way that mattered again.

If Bani Sebastián was dead to him, then I figured I'd finish the job. I killed Bani and buried him. From his remains grew Sebastian Gold, who never had a father but never needed one anyway. 

As much as the family hates the name change, it's the only way I could move on.

2024, At Revival #56 - Night

People were about fifty/fifty on me hitting that guy. Some folk think I'm right in standing up for myself. Others think I look crazy beating up on a drunk fan.

Fun fact: this isn't even the first time a Prymate yelled that word at me.  But it was the first time it happened on camera, for all to see, including Rob.

I was going to let him go. I really was. But I say all those eyes staring at me. Pitying me.

"I don't want your pity," I remember whispering. Then he was on the floor.

Truth is, I wanted to do worse. I wanted to take my tire iron and make that guy's teeth into dust.

This is who he wants me to be. Selfish, egotistical, impulsive. I've got all the ingredients necessary to become somebody's trauma.

I thought I could save everyone from that if I stayed on the wagon.

Then came Rob Williams. A sober man joining the Whoresmen? Crucifying someone? Eat my ass. No way that's true.

Except it was. I just didn't want to believe it.

It meant my sobriety wouldn't be enough to stop me from hurting the ones I love again, and I didn't want to believe that. What more do I need to do to get Rob fucking Williams out of my fucking HEAD!?

Cuz I know what that fucker wants me to be. The Old Man wants to leave his mark. Why not mold a malleable material like, say, Gold into whatever you desire? It's easy! All you gotta do is put him through the fire, make him hungry for your approval, bring every horrid thing inside him to the surface, and there you go, your legacy. Not a son, no a son he might've actually loved, but a creation. A newly broken monster to remind everyone of your cruelty when you're gone.

He could pull it off, too. The worst part of me wants him to. He can never know, but when I hit that stupid fan, I caught sight of Rob's face. He was smirking. 'Good job, son.' he said without speaking. 'This is how you get my approval.'

Made me feel more powerful than I had in years.

I am so fucked.

2024, An Empty Highway - Before Midnight

Picture this: I pull over at a rest stop to see how the guy tailing me responds. Sure enough, he keeps at my back even as I pull up to the pump. I take off my helmet and yell at him.

Sebastian: Hey, asshole! Buy me dinner first if you wanna ride my ass like that! What gives!?

The other man gets off his bike and removes his helmet. He's...just a dude. A random guy I don't recognize. But why does he look so scared?

He points a trembling finger toward my back. I look at my reflection in a car window and almost vomit.

It covers half my back. A sinewy mass of tissue just now starting to form small arms and a grotesque head that seems to be crying birth fluid. A parasitc head is growing out of my back and it almost look like....Dad? Rob? I can't tell.

My new squirming sibling opens its mouth, and a small stream of puss trickles out. It's trying to speak, what is it trying to say?

Back-twin:  whaaaaa

What?

Back-twin: aaaaacht out. WATCH OUT.

I wake up still on my bike. Holy shit. I fell asleep driving.  I pull over to the side of the road and collect myself. Shit. That could've been bad. Why can't I keep my head on the ground these days?

The fella on the tailgating bike is screaming at me. He was the one that yelled, "Watch Out!" I figure.

I think he almost wiped. Boy is he mad.  He takes off his helmet. I love when a punching bag unboxes itself.

Lucky for him, we're breaking cycles not bones tonight.

I turn my bike 180 degrees and speed off in the opposite direction. I hope I'm not too late.

2024, A Bonfire on the Beach - Midnight

Almost there. I definitely hear acoustic guitars. Did I make the right choice?

The fire's larger than I thought, and my brother has a cozy spot saved. He waves me over. I made the right choice.

They seem like a pretty chill group. The musicians are too stoned for intense praise, so the mood is more 'Seventies Sing-Along' which I can get with. Everyone else is dancing or singing or just staring into the fire, starring in movies in their own heads.

I wish Rob could see it. Fuck, I wish my Dad could see this. There's more joy here tonight than I've experienced in the last five months.

Guitar Guys: ♫ How deep is your love? How deep is your love? I really need to knooow ♫

Maybe I really have been doing everything wrong.

Everyone Sings: ♫CAUSE WE'RE LIVING IN A WORLD OF FOOLS, BREAKING US DOWN♫

Dio sings in my face, so off-key:

Dio: ♫ WHEN THEY AAAALL SHOULD LET US BEEE ♫

So I do it back even worse:

Sebastian: ♫ WE BELOOOONG TO YOU AND ME ♫

I put one arm around my brother and another around a total stranger.  We sway like reeds till the song ends and then sing it again from the beginning.

Sebastian: Hey D.  Would you let back into your life? Even he begged you?

Dio: Not a fucking chance.

Sebastian: So why did I get a second chance.

Dio:  Cuz you've got TV money and can get me Coral Avalon's autograph.

Sebastian: Well. All my TV money is being swallowed by my collectors, and I can't get you anybody's autograph.

Dio: Oh. Then I guess we should push into the fire like we planned.

He chuckles, and I gently punch his arm.

Sebastian: Come on! Really, why'd you give me a second shot and not him?

Dio turns to me, his brow furrowed.

Dio: Uhh. Cause you're nothing like him.

Sebastian:  I'm not?

Dio: No! Holy shit, no! If you were I'd actually throw you into the fire. Bashy, you have so much love to give it can overwhelm people. Dad never had a trace of that in his system. Plus he hated himself more than anything. Do you?

That's all it takes for me to break down.  I grab a blanket and wrap it around myself. I think it's absorbent enough that not too many people realize how much I'm crying. It's what happens when a weight lifts. As the fear leaves me, I wonder why I held onto it for so long.

I am not Dad. I am not Rob. They are not a part of me.

I'm Sebastian Gold and I will always be a monster of my own creation.

I love myself and know I'm loved. I don't know if Dad knew that.

I'm pretty sure Rob doesn't know he's loved, either. Why else spend your last days giving hate unless that was all you had to give?

Eventually, the sun breaks the horizon to the cheers of the beachgoers. Some dance, some pray, some just lay down and let the ocean wash over them.

I wave goodbye to my new friends and race toward Colossus at full-speed, shining bright in the morning sun. FADE OUT.