The Love Boat

Jonathan Christopher Hall

“I’ve been beaten. I’ve lost to the better man. I’ve been buried. I’ve been pinned one, two, three. I’ve tapped out like a little bitch. I’ve been deemed not fit to continue. How. Fucking. Ever. Nobody cheats Cancer Jiles. NOBODY. He just made an enemy for the rest of his life.” -- Jiles’ Journal, May 5th, 2023.

I know.

There’s a lot of questions that need answering, and I’m gonna try to answer them all.

Maybe.

Hopefully.

Probably not.

Anyway, in order for me to do so I figured it best to start back at the beginning. To a time when my hair wasn’t simmering. To a time when Coral was just a big forehead operating without the carton’s protection. To a time when Ian Hess was sitting on the couch watching reruns from the ReVolution era. To a time when Tony wasn’t standing atop of two books. To a time when Bobby was sleeping on the... okay, some things just never change I suppose.

A beautiful picture of consistency.

It was Cinco de Mayo, 2023.

It was ReVival 27.

It was King COOL versus JCH, round one.

I remember during the lead up to the match someone told me Jon-Christopher was in the (first) Almasy and all I could do was laugh. I was like, “JC what? Chasez? I didn’t even know he wrestled.” Needless to say, I liked my chances. I know that’s not too Earth shattering, but keep in mind back then I was down bad.

Some things never change.

Ha.

Six months prior to Jon-Christopher and I’s first date my Universe was broken up by Hayes at COOLOSSUS. Then, because misery loves company, Ivan, yes that Ivan, in a number one contender’s match on the very next show folded me up inside a rug and threw me off a bridge-- at least that’s what it felt like afterwards. Then, after a brief respite away from the ring spent inside hyper cryostasis, Crumbworth Crumbington decided to trot his fancy ass out as number 41, smash open my face, and eliminate me from the Culture Shock Royal Battle.

Life at the top.

So yeah, down big.

Then, ReVival 27 comes along. A meaningless, never heard of him, the love kid comes along. Most importantly, the opportunity to get back on the right path and once again start the climb towards the summit comes along.

I wasn’t about to let it slip through my fingers.

Hopefully history doesn’t wind up repeating itself.

No lies, that bell rang and I started pounding on little Jon-bon from corner to corner. I was totally getting the catharsis I so desperately desired, and then when the time came to kick him to the curb for good...

The sly dog gets a bone.

...the fucking crumb dodged my sleeping salts and quickly rolled me up for a pin.

That’s how this whole thing got started.

That is the origin story.

That is the root.

A simple roll up.

That’s why I’ve been secretly plotting Jon-Christopher’s demise. Oh, wait a second. That’s right, Jon-Christopher cheated and used the ropes for added leverage to secure the win, and Vickie was pulling down on his feet to help him.

Poetic justice.

I can take a roll up. I can. It’s happened to me before, and I’m sure it will happen to me again. What I can not take is people trading on my name. Not then, and not now. I can not have people cheating me, Cancer J, The Eggsecutioner.

I just can’t.

Bad for business.

Any who, after the match I made my way back to the den. Once there, my big, beautiful friend couldn’t wait to show me how badly I was getting Pizmo’d on the back-channel message boards.

PWA, HOTv, OCW, Geocities Presents: Thinking Red, Doozer’s Boat Board(not the Octane), 97 Dick Parker Nation, etc.

My eyes bulged. My ego wilted. I started to scream on the inside, and then a second later on the outside. The humiliation I felt was overwhelming, more so than anything the Captain has ever put me through.

That was my Rev 27.

That was Jonathan-Christopher Hall versus Cool Jiles.

That’s when I made a solemn vow to ruin his life.

“I am going to take everything from him.” -- Me, making a solemn vow to ruin Jonathan-Christopher Hall’s life.

Now at the time of the vow Jon-Christopher had nothing, outside of a tainted victory against me. He was a literal crumb, like, the very definition. Which is to say I had to let him grow a little bit in order to make sure he felt it when the knife got twisted into his heart. Sure, he had Vickie, but he needed to be crying first before I removed her shoulder. So, I “chose” to wait. I “chose” to let him crumble, in a good way. I sat idly by and watched as he went on to do great things, and even accomplish what I could not.

Eating Almasy’s Chicken Dinner.

Jonathan-Christopher Hall became as big of a star as there was in this business. Almasy winner. Universal Champion. Some even said his tale from janitor to cheater to champion was like something from out of a storybook.

Then I started to take it all away from him.

First was his Universe. I kicked him in the face and the rest was history. Next was his heart, the apple of his eye. FYI I’ve had my fill of the slices, too. Then, because I am the hardest working man in PRIME, I salted his soul by making him think that Adam Ellis has a bigger dick than he does.

Ha.

Lastly, for my final twist of the knife if you will, I’ve decided to go a different route. I’m actually going to help Jon-Christopher this time around. Then, the solemn vow I made can be over with, and Vickie and I can move on with our lives.

I’m going to put him out of his misery.

---

The Love Boat

“I’ll show him whose boat this is.” -- Jiles’ Journal, December 9th, 2024.

The day is young. The sun shines bright. The clouds are gone. The weather is nice. The birds go chirp, and the USS Octane is docked at a port in Somewhere, Townsylvania. The gang’s all on board, too, and I mean ALL on board. It’s me, Vick, Sleeping Beauty, Two Books, Big Hess, Minion, Captain, Belle, Dooze, and CBD.

In other words, it’s the perfect setting for a gameshow.

You heard that right.

It’s time to play...

....THE LOVE BOAT.

The Love Boat is a dating game that sees two couples competing against each other for ultimate love supremacy. So, pretty much it's The Dating Game with a name change. The crew aboard the Octane has gone out of their way to whip up a set on the top deck of the ship for the occurrence. There’s a fern, a podium, and two couches. One of them is familiar, and colored electric blue. There’s also some folding chairs set up for a viewing audience.

Up at the podium is the show’s sharply dressed host, Tony “Two Books” Gamble.

On the one couch, the unfamiliar bland one, sits PRIME UNIVERSAL CHAMPION, Coral J. Avalon and his wonderful bride, Annabelle. They chose to go with EB trackers for their team uniform.

On the opposing couch, the familiar one, dressed in Funeral Black trackers because it suits our team, PRIME’s newest power couple, the always lovely Vickie Hall and coolest guy around, me.

As for the audience, a relaxed fit sleeveless Hessian and steampunk Minion are seated next to each other. They are sharing the biggest bag of popcorn there is and gleefully await the start of the show. Sadly, Hessian and the bag are so big they take up most of the seating area, so CBD's been relegated to standing room only. Bobby's off to the side atop an air mattress, scratching himself while fast asleep. Doozer, presumably, is somewhere.

ACTION~!

Tony Gamble: Hello! I’m your host Tony “Two Books” Gamble, and welcome to a very special edition of The Love Boat!

Hessian and Minion provide the applause. It might be described as raucous. It would not however, be confused as such.

Tony Gamble: We’re coming to you from aboard the USS Octane, a vaunted vessel known throughout the annals of wrestling lore!

More applause from the gallery.

Tony Gamble: Today we have two special teams fixing to get hot and heavy in their quest to find out who has the most love! But first, the rules. There are three rounds. Each round the teams will get a chance to earn a point if they can answer the question correctly. If they get it right, they get a point. If not, they have to walk the plank!

An audible gasp escapes from CBD.

Okay, it wasn’t audible.

Tony Gamble: Just kidding! The team with the most points after three rounds wins the game and receives a one-week cruise aboard the world's only Aircruise Carrier! Including a romantic stay in the Captain’s Quarters!

A contestant interjects.

Coral Avalon: Wait, I didn’t agree to that.

Tony Gamble: Sir, please wait until it’s your turn to speak.

Coral bites his tongue after being chided by the host. His silence draws a giggle from the Convoy of COOL.

Ha.

Tony Gamble: Okay, we’ve covered the rules, now let’s meet today’s special contestants. Seated on the electric blue couch is PRIME’s newest “it" couple, Cancer Jiles and Vickie Hall!

Off screen Hessian cheers. His enthusiasm can be described as moderate.

Cancer Jiles: Thanks for having us, Tony! It’s a dream come true being able to do this with my most favorite girl. We were just saying the other day, man, I wish we could be on The Love Boat and now here we are!

Tony Gamble: That’s just wonderful. We’re more than happy to have you and wish you the best of luck!

Vickie waves to the crowd. Hessian reluctantly reciprocates. CBD snubs her, as does Minion.

Noted.

Bobby remains asleep.

Dooze, who knows?

Tony Gamble: Our other team, seated on the donated couch, are happily married and have a lovely little angel together. He’s known for having the biggest forehead in PRIME, but only she knows how big his foreskin is! PRIME UNIVERSAL Champion and unrivaled Captain of the eGG Bandits, Coral Avalon, and his lovely wife Annabelle!

I sulk. Vickie scowls. A passing by bird takes a shit that just misses Coral’s forehead. The act coincides with when the applause and team response are supposed to take place; in essence robbing Coral and Belle of their moment.

Tony Gamble: Phew! That was a close one!

Collective nodding ensues.

Tony Gamble: Okay. We know the rules. We met the contestants. Now comes the time we’ve all been waiting for! Everybody get ready to climb aboard the...

All, some more begrudging than others: LOVE BOAT!

Tony Gamble: Round one. This is for the ladies. Before the show we asked your significant other if they were stranded on an island to rate on a scale from 1 to 10 how much they would miss your cooking. Hold up how many fingers you think their answer was.

The suspense quickly builds, right along with the tension.

Vickie holds up all of her fingers, signaling ten.

Tony Gamble: Vickie Hall is holding up all ten of her fingers and she is correct! One point awarded to the Convoy of COOL!

I smile proudly.

Cancer Jiles: What can I say, Tony? This girl knows me. She cooks the best eggs I ever had.

The attention turns to the other team, and Annabelle Avalon. She smiles politely, and holds up ten fingers as well, as if to thumb her nose at us. Coral chuckles at her defiant act.

Tony Gamble: Annabelle also holds up all ten fingers and... I’m sorry but that is wrong! Ouch. The correct answer was one. He answered one, he wouldn’t miss your cooking at all.

Cancer Jiles: He said Coral and not your boyfriend, Belle.

I snicker, as does Vick.

Coral Avalon: One, I was never even asked any questions beforehand, and two you watch it.

Cancer Jiles: What is this sheer and utter lawlessness that is being allowed to run rampant? Is this crumb just going to be allowed to shout out whenever he wants? Is that what this is?

The Golden Bandit shrugs.

Cancer Jiles: I guess that answers if being inducted into the Hall of Fame would go right to his forehead or not.

Coral Avalon: It’s funny you of all people should say that. I saw the headline in Cracking News this morning. I believe your answer was, “not surprised” when asked about getting inducted.

Vickie Hall: Not as funny as your face.

Annabelle Avalon: Excuse me?

Our host with the most slams a phonebook against the top of the podium in an attempt to regain control of the show.

THUD~!

It works.

Tony Gamble: People please! Remember, we are trying to run a show here. This isn’t Ridiculousness with Rob Williams. Now, after the first round the score is 1 to 0 in favor of the Convoy of COOL. Round two. This pertains to the men. We asked your lovely ladies what their biggest pet peeve of yours was. What do you think they said?

The suspense once again starts to build. The tension again rises like the tide. I’m first to act. Vickie is my girl now. Of course, I know the answer.

Cancer Jiles: She hates that I’m a closet Tyler Rayne fan.

Vickie Hall: Oh my god! YES! Oops! Sorry.

Tony Gamble: That is correct, team Convoy of COOL scores another point. If Coral answers incorrectly, he’ll once again lose to Cancer Jiles.

Vickie Hall: Real quick, he’s got all the tapes and t-shirts in this fancy little box. A signed photo is in there. A marriage certificate. He even has his birthday circled on the calendar. Crazy, right? He’s such a weirdo.

Now it’s my turn to shrug. She’s not wrong, but then again neither was I. I’m going to drag my ass all across those Captain’s quarters, just like the good old days.

Cancer Jiles: That’s not what you were saying the other night, baby.

The attention once again shifts to Team Avalon, and Coral's massive forehead. Seconds, that seem like hours, start to pass. Coral stares long and hard into my sunglasses, probably trying to imagine where my eyes would be.

Coral Avalon: She hates that I sleep with the belt on after we make love.

The entirety of the top deck gasps. Doozer included, so turns out he’s been here the whole time. Belle starts to blush. Gamble drops the index cards he’s been reading from. Bobby rolls over but remains asleep. Hessian stands from his seat realizing that those be fighting words.

Me?

I smile, refusing to play along.

Fuck him.

Yep, still here.

Tony Gamble: Unbelievably that is correct! Team Avalon gets a point and the game will continue!

There goes my smile. Tony reaches down and retrieves his cheat sheets. He is once again in command of the deck.

Tony Gamble: Our third and final round starts now! This one goes back out to the men. Before the show we asked your balls and chains what their favorite colors were. What were their answers?

There is no time for suspense. No moment for tension. I don’t hesitate, but neither does Coral.

Coral Avalon: Yellow, like the stripe running down Jiles’ back.

Cancer Jiles: Red, like the blood that’s about to be gushing out of Coral’s nose.

Now the suspense and tension reappear. Thankfully, Tony cuts through them both, and we’ll get right to him doing so in a moment. First though, I hate Coral. I hate that he’s better than me and in my spot. I wanted that bird’s shit to hit him n the face so badly. Still, he is the Captain. He is my Captain, and he’s also defending against Crumblood. It pains me, yes, but I know he needs to be at his absolute best in order to do what no other Bandit has not.

So no, I’m not going to hit him.

Bigger man.

I could probably still egg him though.

Tony Gamble: Uh, neither of those are correct, which means no points are awarded to either team. Which means that our final score is 2 to 1 in favor of the Convoy of COOL! Congratulations! Enjoy your week-long stay in the super swanky and mega luxurious Captain’s Quarters!

Coral Avalon: Again, I never agreed to that.

Cancer Jiles: It’s cool, I still have a key.

Totally do.

Skeleton.

Tony Gamble: Well folks, that’s all the time we have for today’s show! Be sure to tune in next time and take a ride on the....

All, some more begrudging than others: LOVE BOAT!

---

The Ivory Tower

“Turns out I was so comfortable on the couch I decided to stay.” -- Jiles’ Journal, December 9th, 2024.

There I sit.

The sun is down, and the day is done. I'm still topside aboard the mothership, though. My T-shades remain on, and my hair simmers like it’s atop a hot stove. The rest of the set has been broken down, sans my couch and fern. Most of the Bandits have fled the scene. My lovely Vickie is still by my side, and my shield stands behind me. A constant, stark, and resounding reminder of just how big of a stick I carry.

Yup.

Or maybe Big Hess is there because the last time I tried to do this I couldn’t even get a word out, and him just being around boosts my confidence. Either way, my rock and my shield are with me.

I should be fine.

Lights.

Cancer.

ACTION~!

“...”

FUCK. No. NO. Not this shit again. I can’t believe it. Coral the cat has gotten my ton--

“Hey babe! It’s me. I don’t think I’ll be home for dinner. I’m stuck in traffic. BYE!”

My Valkyrie starts shrieking out in wild, unadulterated laughter. I’m instantly invigorated and begin to cackle right alongside of her.

Then...

“Jonathan-Christoper Hall.”

Yes! It works again!

“Friend. Of. Mine.”

Ha.

Vick and I both chuckle. As for Hessian, I can feel the aura of his disapproval, but that’s okay. I don’t expect everybody to swallow my love life.

“I’m going to keep this short, Jon, just like that title reign of yours I put the scissors to. I get that you’re mad. Well, certainly mad enough to attack me anyway. Fear not, I had that one coming so no harm no foul.”

See, I can be reasonable.

“In fact, you should know, Jon, I know eggsactly how you feel. I’m mad, too, damn it. The last place I wanted to be was at Colossus. I wanted nothing more than to be with your ex, drinking enough frozen daiquiris at the poolside bar to forget the show was even taking place.”

Black that shit out.

I turn to Vickie, and whisper something revelatory in her ear. The other day we were talking about how Jon found out about us, and I think it just dawned on me.

“But, that’s life, pal.”

So they say.

“Also, I don’t expect you to understand why I did such horrible things to you. I don’t. That said, here goes nothing.”

I get my more serious tone of voice out by coughing up some charcoal.

“Maybe you remember this, or maybe you don’t, but a long time ago you cheated me. You, a scab, cheated me, a king. A COOLYMPIAN. A Hall of Famer. A master cheat. Only one to do so, too. Ever since then, I’ve been scheming to take everything you have and ruin life as you know it.”

I nod, knowing full well I’ve done a great job.

“You cheated me, Jon, so I decided that I was going to cheat you out of a wonderful life.”

A beat.

“I cheated when I took that title from around your waist and put it around Coral’s. I cheated when I took your girl under the bleachers and made her cool. I cheated Adam Ellis' dignity when he made love to a Bobbinette Carey fleshlight, and at Colossus I’m going to see if it’s possible for you to cheat death.”

Death of the brain that is.

My knuckles crack, and then my neck. Youngblood and Zion do it when they’re posturing to look tough.

“That’s right, buddy. Blue Bayou time for you.”

I turn to address Vickie.

”Ya know, I’m probably doing him a favor if anything; saving him from such a pathetic existence.”

She nods back agreeably.

“Oh, one last thing before we go.”

We.

Ha.

“I’m not going to bother asking how you found out it was me. There's no point. You’re too jaded to tell me. Instead, figure I’m just going to beat it out of you at Colossus.”

My darling closes the deal.

“We’ll see you there, honey.”

Pucker.

Kisses.

Goodbye.