ULTRAVIOLENCE 2025 NIGHT TWO
āYou Wanted Warā. Sum 41.
Water.
Itās a beautiful blue body of water overlooked by an equally blue cloudless sky. Majestic. Itās so majestic that we should take a long, hard look at this water and reflect on life and the universe and everything in-between. Beautiful. Itās so strange that weāre opening UltraViolence with a scenic shot of some water, butā¦
BZZT.
A flash. A man or something like one gets their head smashed like theyāre a watermelon at a Gallagher concert by a much larger man with a beard that better belonged to barbarians. This barbarian roars at the screen, andā¦
BZZT.
Water, again. That was strange. That really disrupted the serenity of the water, didnāt it? Well, no matter. Life comes at you fast sometimes.
BZZT.
The Gallows.
A place you never want to find yourself on the USS Bandit.
Within its terrible confines is a ring, one built by Bandits. The mat is filthy. The ropes are chains. In this ring, two men struggle in a brutal brawl. Blood streaked their bodies. Exhaustion weighed their every breath.
And watching them, ever-observant and ever-scheming, is a man in T-shades. By his side is Bobby Dean, wrapped in chains and dressed like heās Lord Humungus. His dogs of war have already been unleashed.
Thereās a crowd of men and women watching the action. Elise Ares and The D can be seen in this crowd. Elise has a bucket of popcorn. We cut to the other side of the ring where we can find the Surf Express Bro wandering around very stoned and confused and unsure of how they even got to these gallows, bro.
We cut to a different part of the gallows, where the Anglo Luchador and Blaze Claymore are engaged in a posedown. Itās the kind of battle that Blaze would thrive in, but then the Anglo Luchador flexes his muscles and he suddenly looks like a crazy bodybuilder ā like we put someone else under the mask or something.
The camera swings around to find that Hessian is throwing the two men thatād been fighting in the makeshift ring out. Tony Gamble helps by stomping one of them in the nuts. They pose and flex for the cheering crowd just in time to get distracted when someone throws a tomato at them. They turn to find the culprits: Hugo Vale and Daniel Green. The cocksure young men have their fists clenched, and the veteran Bandits leave the ring to confront them.
The camera rotates downwards, then comes back up and suddenly weāre on the deck of the USS Bandit. Just in time to see Sebastian Gold literally flying into the ring. Literally. Heās in a wingsuit. He lands right in the face of Bryan Dawkins, whose nonplussed reaction as Gold and his wingsuit speaks volumes. They throw fists at each other, which collide in the air.
Suddenly, the two men fuse and become Nate Colton.
Even Nate looks very confused at what just happened. He looks around the chained ring, and sees Hayes Hanlon come into the ring. He has a jolf club of his own invention, the dreaded āputterā. They both look to their right and see the silent legend himself, Jason Snow, walk purposefully to the ring. Behind him wheels Rexton William Bader and his oxygen tank.
Hanlon and Colton watch them roll up. Hanlon looks like his constant anger is about to boil over, and Colton looks completely done with these two men.
The camera turns to the flight deck. The song changes. It has to.
āWolf Totemā begins to play, and out walks Cancer Jiles. Behind him are the rest of the eGG Bandits ā Hessian, Gamble, Doozer, Bobby, Annabelle. Theyāre all in slow motion, and fireworks go off behind them.
The camera spins around so that itās now following the eGG Bandits on their way to the ring. Gone are Hanlon, Snow, and Colton. Gone is everyone. Save for one man. A man in an immaculate waistcoat, carrying the big PRIME Universal championship belt.
Cancer Jiles stares bullets at Cecilworth Farthington.
Tonight, they would settle the score once and for all.
Jiles taps his toes on the deck of the Bandit. Salt almost shimmers off of his shoes.
Cancer Jiles is ready for some UltraViolence.
Are you?
Nick Stuart: OHHHH CANADA! Weāre back for Ultraviolence Part II: Violence Harder. Orā¦ waitā¦ was it Ultraviolence 2: Electric Boogaloo?
Richard Parker: Itās neither, Nick. Itās Ultraviolence: Night Two. Thatās it.
Nick Stuart: Well thatās unoriginal.
Richard Parker: Thatās the definition of a sequel, Nick. Not an original.
Nick Stuart: Yet we DO have an original matchup here tonight, fans, as the Pop Culture Phenoms are making their PRIME debut against a team who we havenāt seen too much of in the ring: Surf Express Bro.You know, Richard, itās almost fitting that for our final night in the Great White North we open with a tag matchup that would make any Great White Shark happy: two Hollywood actors known for their creature features facing off against a surfer pair that would make Bill and Ted jealous.
Richard Parker: Yes, but their names are Bowie and Bradlee. Not Bill and Ted.
Nick Stuart: Youāre killinā me Smalls.
Richard Parker: My name isnāt-
Nick Stuart: Save me Vice Howard! Youāre my only hope!
We then see all the SIGNS!
GLUELOSSUS SZN ALREADY STARTED
COOL LOSSES SEASON STARTS NOW
ROOKIES? IN MY MAIN EVENT? ITāS MORE LIKELY THAN YOU THINK
IāM IN A WHEELCHAIR TOO!
I DONāT CARE WHO WINS BETWEEN HANLON SNOW AND COLTON I JUST HOPE THEIR PANTS FALL OFF
IF YOUāRE WONDERING WHY IāM DRESSED THIS WAY, I THOUGHT I HAD TICKETS TO REVIVAL 69
TWO NIGHTS OF ULTRAVIOLENCE AND NO KENNY FREEMAN, THIS IS BULLSHIT, DONāT TRY AND TELL ME PRIME RAN OUT OF SHARK CAGES
CANCER JILES: BINGāS FAVORITE WRESTLER
YEAH, IāM GLUE ā GETTING LIT UNREASONABLY EARLY
We cut to Vince Howard in the ring and, thankfully, he is not a hologram projected by R2-D2, he is live and in the flesh, smiling before the sold out crowd in Montreal.
Vince Howard: LAAAAAADIES, GENTLEMEN, AND WHATEVER A FABBY IS, Welcome to Ultraviolence: Night Two.
RAAHHHHHH!
Vince Howard: Your opening match is a TAAAAAG TEAM MATCH and scheduled for one fall. Introducing firstā¦ THE D and ELISE ARESā¦. THE POP CULTURE PHEEEEEEENOMS!
I live for the night, I live for the lights
I live for the high ātil Iām free falling
I live for the night, I live for the lights
I live for the high ātil Iām free falling (Falling)
āLive For The Nightā by Krewella hits as we see the arrival of PRIMEās newest tag team at the top of the rampway.
Nick Stuart: Are you familiar with The D, Richard?
Richard Stuart: Donāt start.
Nick Stuart: So you arenāt a fan of The D?
Richard Parker: Stop. It.
Nick Stuart: What about Elise, then?
Richard Parker: She seems nice.
As the Pop Culture Phenoms approach their corner of the ring, we cut back to Vince Howard.
Iām always workinā, slavinā every day.
Gotta get a break from the same old, same old
I need a chance just to get away.
If you could hear me think, this is what Iād say
Donāt need nothinā but a good time!
How can I resist?
Aināt lookinā for nothinā but a good time
And it donāt get better than this!
Vince Howard: ANNNNNNND their opponents. Hanging ten even when itās a quarter to nine, we have BOWIE ABRAMS and BRADLEE NELSONā¦ SURF. EXPRESS. BROOOOOO.
The familiar guitar licks and drum beats to āNothinā But a Good Timeā by Poison hit your eardrums and from the back bounds Bowie Abrams and Bradlee Nelson in matching long tights and miles-wide smiles.
The pair fist bump and then bump surf boards before casually sauntering down the rampway towards the ring as they shoot finger guns at the laaaaaaadies.
Richard Parker: No nerves whatsoever from Surf Express Bro here tonight, Nick.
Nick Stuart: Thatās surprising Richard, given all of the sensitivity training theyāve been doing lately, youād think theyād be able to feel something.
Richard Parker: ā¦
Nick Stuart: Donāt give me that look. Not until you brush up on your movie knowledge.
Vince exits to safer ground as Surf Express Bro approach their corner, handing him their bodacious boards. Jimmy Turnbull, meanwhile, stands in the middle of the ring and gestures for one member of each team to step forward.
The D and Bradlee step into the ring to get their instructions from Jimmy before he throws his hand down the middle like the Chairman from Iron Chef and the bell rings to open night two of Ultraviolence.
DING DING
Bradlee and The D circle each other with the crowd buzzing in anticipation. Bradlee is the first to make a move by bowing in a gesture of good will towards The D, but the PCP member is more interested in hunting as he lands a stiff kick upwards that connects Bradlee in his jaw.
Richard Parker: Yikes! Bradleeās jaw may be broken with that attack.
Nick Stuart: Pays to draw first blood, Nick. Rambo said that.
Richard Parker: Iām not sure thatās true, Nick.
Bradlee Nelson holds his jaw as The D lunges forward, trying to capitalize, but misses because Bradlee drops to his knees in pain. The D staggers, trying to catch his balance, pivoting back sharply to land another kick onto Bradleeās jaw but instead is met with an elbow block that quickly turns into an ankle lock as he pulls The D down to the mat and then scrambles backwards to create some distance.
The D pops upward, looking frustrated as Elise yells something from PCPās corner. It draws The Dās attention away from his Bradlee, who seizes the moment to HEADBUTT his opponent and send him staggering into Surf Express Broās corner.
Nick Stuart: Iām not familiar with PCP, Richard, but I canāt imagine this was their strategy coming into tonight.
Richard Parker: Sometimes I think you may be a bit too familiar with PCP, Nick.
Bowie Abrams wraps his arms around The Dās neck, trying to hold him in Surf Express Broās corner, as Jimmy begins to jaw at Bowie to let him go. Bowie lifts up his arms defensively as Bradlee begins to charge at the recovering The D from mid-ring.
The D looks up just in time to dodge out of the way as Bradlee runs directly into his defenseless partner, sending him careening to the outside. Bradlee looks horrified, leaning down to check on Bowie, but leaving himself open for a quick roll-up pin from The D!
ONE!
TW-
Bradlee kicks out and rolls away from D, who slams his fist on the mat.
Richard Parker: Great opportunity there for D, but just couldnāt finish.
Nick Stuart: Soā¦ suddenly youāre an expert on Dās and not finishing?
Richard Parker: ā¦.
Bowie has made his way back up to the apron, watching as Bradlee and The D lock up in the middle of the ring. Bradlee gains the initial advantage, pulling The Dās arm backwards and yanking upwards, causing the veteran to yelp in pain.
Bradlee smiles and tries to go for another torque on the shoulder, but D reverses and gets enough momentum to heave his opponent into the ropes! Bradlee bounces off and runs into a clothesline ā NO! He ducks! The D screams in frustration as Bradlee hits the opposite ropes, getting momentumā¦ only to run into a BIG BOOT from The D.
One half of Surf Express Bro hits the mat HARD as his opponent grabs his shoulder in pain, wincing as he gives a glance over to Elise, whose arm is outstretched. The D begins to make his way to the corner.
Bowie watches nervously as his partner writhes in pain on the mat, but his eyes suddenly light up as he hops off the ring apron.
Richard Parker: Where the hell does he think heās going?
Bowie barrels past the timekeeper, grabs the discarded surfboard with his face on it, and hoists it over his head like a neon-glazed Excalibur.
Nick Stuart: What is he doing with that thing?
Richard Parker: Itās not a no-DQ match, Nick. Someone tell this idiot weāre not at the X Games.
Meanwhile in the ring, The D manages to finally connect with Elise, who makes her way immediately to the top turnbuckle just as Bradlee starts to stir. She locks eyes with her target and prepares to launch!
Bowie Abrams: Dude! Slap the board!
Bowie has made his way back to his corner and is extending the massive board over the ropes towards Bradlee, who looks up and does, indeed, slap the board!
Nick Stuart: Thatās a tag!
Richard Parker: No it is not!
Jimmy Turnbull motions that it is indeed a legal tag as The D throws his arms up in disbelief.
Nick Stuart: Any surfer will tell you their board is an extension of their body. Those are just facts, Richard.
Elise misses the memo, however, and leaps off the turnbuckle, looking for a massive elbow drop on Bradlee! Except he rolls out of the way and SHE HITS NOTHING BUT BOWIE BOARD, SNAPPING IT IN HALF LIKE A TWIG.
Bowie screams in horror as Elise slams her fist on the mat in frustration. But before she can refocus on who she thinks is still the legal fighter, Bowie enters the ring and grabs her in a front facelock and snaps off a crisp swinging neckbreaker.
Elise bounces off the mat, but Bowie locks in a leg as Jimmy drops to make the count.
ONE!
T-
Elise kips up, clearly not expecting Bowie, but still manages to grab a piece of the broken board in front of her and SWIPE it across his face.
Nick Stuart: Hey! Improvised weapon!
Richard Parker: I thought it was just an extension of his body. Right?
Bowie drops to one knee, leaving him wide open for a SPIKE DDT, planting his head on the mat and causing him to fall to the side. Elise goes for the small package pin!
ONE!
TWO!
TH-
NO! Bowie kicks out just in time and rolls away from Elise as both fighters scramble to their feet and step back in the guard position.
Elise is the first to move, diving towards Bowie, but his surfer cool allows him to sidestep without issue. He reaches down and grabs the other half of the broken board and extends it out to Bradlee, who gives it some skin and hops into the ring fired up and ready to go!
Richard Parker: This is so ridiculous.
Nick Stuart: Ridiculous or not, Bradlee is now the legal man and Elise Ares may be in trouble.
Bradlee climbs his corner turnbuckle.
Nick Stuart: Weāre about to Fire it Up, Richard!
Richard Parker: Maybe in more ways than one, look!
Somehow and some way, The D is presenting a massive ceramic bong in the shape of Keanu Reevesā has lifted it up high (heh, high) for Bradlee and Bowie to see.
Bradleeās eyes are immediately pulled toward the whimsical water pipe and begins to leave his perch on the turnbuckle!
Richard Parker: Itās a trap!
Nick Stuart: There you go! Star Wars!
Entranced by Keanu Reeves (now in bong form) Bradlee begins to make his way across the ring toward the other half of PCP.Ā As he does, Elise Ares flashes a smirking grin.
Richard Parker: Look out!
Too late. Elise Ares gets a running start and leaps into the air, connecting with the back of Bradlee Nelsonās head with a Superman Punch.
Nick Stuart: Amethystation! Elise has Bradlee dazed and confused!
Richard Parker: Alright. Alright. Alright.
Nick Stuart: Now youāre getting it!
Bowie shouts wildly toward his partner, but Elise is already repelling off the nearby, perpendicular ropes and SLAMS Bradleeās head into the mat with a CURB STOMP.
Nick Stuart: EXTREME MAKEOVER! Bradlee is down and out!
Elise Ares lifts the leg and Jimmy is immediately on the mat with the count.
ONE!
TWO!
THREEEE!
DING DING DING
Nick Stuart: Pop Culture Phenoms have won their debut match here in PRIME with the assist to Keanu Reeves ā in bong form.
Richard Parker: Seems like Surf Express Bro finally reached their Breaking Point at the end there, Nick.
Nick Stuart: Is that a reference to something?
Richard Parker: Oh for Christās sake!
The victorious Pop Culture Phenoms exit, leaving the Keanu Reeves sculpture behind as Bradlee begins to cradle it in his arms while Bowie kneels, softly weeping over the damaged board.
We go elsewhere.
The lights dim.
A cool breeze whisks its way throughout the air.
The Crumbotron jolts to life, and the instrumental version of āAmbitionz Az a Ridahā by 2Pac starts to bump like a foreboding death sentence.
Then, Cancerās Valkyrie, Vickie Hall, can be heard voicing over the most famous five words in all of sportsā¦
ā¦The Pinnacle of All Crumbs
Richard Parker: Itās way too early for this shit. A total ārookieā move on his part. Then again, you are what you eat, right?
Nick Stuart: Be careful, Dick, or you might get superkicked again.
Richard Parker: Meh, heās probably not even in the building yet. Plus, Iām starting to get used to it.
Nova
ReVival 3
No one thought my favorite man, my one of one, Cancer Jiles, stood a chance against Novaā let alone for Novaās GOLDEN TICKET, let alone in the MAIN EVENT of the third show back! But boy were they wrong! MY MAESTRO pulled off the upset of the Almasy tournament when he sent Nova packing, but more importantly, on that night both THE MAIN EVENT and THE GOLDEN TICKET were born.
Flamberge
ReVival 10
After suffering back to back losses to Brandon Crumblood, my legendary COOLYMPIAN squared off against Limpberge in the MAIN EVENT of ReVival 10. While the young Frenchman wasnāt the neck collector he is today, he still proved to be quite the croissant. It was a heated contest that pushed my love to his limit, but try as French Fry might, it was force fed Foot Saltimbocca and a desperately needed W for Mr. Night Two.
Julian Bathory
UltraViolence 2022
At first there were supposed to be three, but then two decided that three was one too many. Thus, Phil Atken was removed from the playing field and the 2022 UltraViolence MAIN EVENT was forever changed. The Greek God of COOL versus Justine Bitchboy for āWheelieā Philās freshly vacated UNIVERSAL CHAMPIONSHIP was a brutal affair about survival more so than anything else. Only one would walk away as UNIVERSAL Champion, while the other headed offĀ to the fast food line.
Nick Stuart: Do you think there was more bloodshed last night inside the Warchamber or in that 2022 match between Jiles and Bathory?
Richard Parker: Last night.
Nova
ReVival 18
Believe it or not, you could say the stakes were even higher the second time Nova and the COOLYMPIAN of my bedroom met inside the ring. They were back in the MAIN EVENT. COOLOSSUS SZN was in full swing. Cancer was the UNIVERSAL Champion and Nova was the first challenger to his throne. Sadly though, at least for PRIME and its fabled star, and Richard Parker of course, it wasnāt meant to be. King COOL once again eggstinguished the flame, and Nova fizzled back down Earth.
Richard Parker: Fuck you, Vickie.
Nate Colton
ReVival 36
It was my loveās long awaited return to the MAIN EVENT, and of course it was against that micro penis Nate Colton. Not only that, it was Round One of the Second Almasy Invitational, and it was for The Greek God of COOLās GOLDEN TICKET. Up until then, Nate had always been two steps ahead of my COOLYMPIAN, however, that night things were different. That night, they met in the MAIN EVENT for the first time, and my man ran all the way home to an unforgettable victory.
Nick Stuart: With the Almasy on deck, if Jiles loses later on tonight he will receive his THIRD GOLDEN TICKET, which in essence eliminates from the tournament before it starts since itās damn near impossible to carry it from start to finish.
Richard Parker: I canāt wait. What a fall from grace. From undeserving Hall of Famer to deserving Hall of Shamer. You just hate to see it.
The Anglo Luchador
ReVival 42
The Anglo Luchador versus Cancer Jiles in a Philadelphia Street Fight, in Philadelphia, in the MAIN EVENT, to see whose block reigns supreme? Uh, yes please. In this epic battle between hometown favorites absolutely nothing was off limits, as the two would go on to destroy trophy cases, vending areas, literal walls, and everything else in between. The Wells Fargo Center had seen its fair share of carnage over the years, but nothing ever like this. Battered and bloodied all in the name of house dominion, my valiant King of COOL proved why he is the one who sleeps in the master bedroom while his hometown counterpart stays in the basement.
Coral Avalon/Nate Colton & Ivan Stanislav/Jonathan Christoper Hall
ReVival 52
The rematch was all but set. Jiles. Crumbalon. UltraViolence. One year later. Universal Championship on the line. Before all that though, Mother Hen wanted to give my lover an ego boost it would seem. Well, mission accomplished, Mom, and just look at the two of them now.
Ivan Stanislav
ReVival 54
There was no love lost when Ivan Stanislob and the greatest man Iāve ever slept with competed in the MAIN EVENT at ReVival 54. Ivan had slayed the COOLYMPIAN back at ReVival 21, which might have had something to do with putting him on the shelf. MIGHT HAVE. So, even after the events of 52, redemption and revenge were both on the line for my handsome hunk, and heād be damned if he wasnāt going to walk out with both. The match itself was a treacherous affair, but after the salt had been poured and the yolks sprayed, Cancer the COOL had finally tipped the scales back in his favor.
Richard Parker: Sneezing(banditry)
Nick Stuart: God bless you.
Don Winters
ReVival 61
It was the ReVival after Colossus, and Don entered the match as the longest reigning 5-Star Champion. Little did he know, like so many others who have come before him, it would also be his lastā both as a Champion and as a competitor. KING COOL is a lot of things, but a virgin to the MAIN EVENT he is not. Don was, and my man took full advantage of it. A hefty dose of the sleeping salts and it was in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy COOL. AMEN.
MANHUNT
Culture Shock 2025
The Bandits were a man down. Their Captain had been put out to pasture, and the GOLDEN BANDIT was no more. Sure, they could have folded up shop and cried about it like GLUE, but thatās not what Bandits do. Not on NIGHT TWO. Not in the MAIN EVENT. Not when my man, Cancer Jiles, is at the helm. So, they circled the wagons, rolled up their sleeves, and doubled down on doing the unthinkable. For Coral.
Richard Parker: I will never forgive Hessian for protecting this crumb. Never. Or Gamble for that matter. Or Avalon. Those fu-
Cecilworth Farthington
UltraViolence 2025
ā¦stay tuned.
The shot from inside the Rogers Centre, the one of the crowd booing and being really ramped up cuts away to Blade Claymation.
Who is Roger? And why is this his Center? These are the questions we should be asking, not āWhy is Blaze Claymore staring at himself through a TV monitor while a helpless AV technician holds a camera worth thousands of dollars on his shoulder, clearly in distress?ā
Blaze Claymore: And youāre sure this is the right color temperature for tonight? Are you sure donāt need to white balance? You can use my shirt if youād like.
The Main Event pulls open the edges of his fire engine red robe, adorned with sequins, to make sure the camera operator can see the white dress shirt he has on underneath. As he does, a hand gently places itself on Blazeās shoulder and squeezes.
Sophia Cuchella: Blaze, baby, stop fussing. You look great. Like if Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio used Julia Robertsā womb to create the perfect actor.
Blaze blinks, thinking of the scientific ramifications of such a creation, but his train of thought gets derailed as D and Elise Ares emerge from behind a nearby curtain, fresh off their match with Surf Express Bro.
As soon as they enter into frame, Blaze reaches into the pocket of his robe and pulls out his phone, holding it up in the direction of the Pop Culture Phenoms, the excitement in his voice unmistakable as he follows the pair with his phoneās camera.
Blaze Claymore: Holy shit. Itās really them! Sophia, look, itās Elise!
Blaze turns his phone to look at his girlfriend and she has her hands to her mouth, looking like she is about to burst into tears.
Sophia Cuchella: Ay dios mĆo. Ella es un Ć”ngel! ĀæQuĆ© digo? ĀæĀ”QuĆ© digo!?
She slaps Blaze on the shoulder, the sound just loud enough to catch PCPās attention. The D rolls his eyes, a bit exhausted from their recent bout with the Surfers, Klein however, happily waves Blaze over. Elise notices just a bit too late and sighs.
Elise Ares: Ā”Hola BBY! Give me just a moment. Uno momento por favor.
The Leading Lady reaches down the side of her shorts and pulls a Sharpie out of her Magic Pocketā¢. She looks over at The D for verification.
Elise Ares: What am I signing here? An 8Ć10? An action figure? A baby?
The D: I think theyāre just trying to introduce themselves, but either way itāll be $50.
Elise Ares: Sounds good to me, pay the Boxman and step right up. Well, this is awkwardā¦ I donāt sign those.
She points at Sophiaās cleavage, but Klein quickly slaps her hand down.
The D: Elise will sign them for $100, but Iāll do $20. Buy one get one free.
Blaze raises a finger and reaches into his robe, pulling out his own 8 x 10 signed glossy photo and presents it to Pop Culture Phenoms.
Blaze Claymore: Maybe we could trade? You know, filmstars to filmstars?
Klein grabs the 8Ć10 and holds it up for his fellow phenoms. Elise squints a little trying to read it before The D blocks her view by sticking his head in front and looking closer. Klein sticks his box against Dās ear. The D responds with a nod.
The D: Oh, of courseā¦ sorry, weāre a little loopy. Just put on a show and all. Elise, this is Blaze Claymore heās a fellow guild member and one of the up-and-coming members of the roster.
Blaze extends a hand to shake hands but Elise puts an 8Ć10 inside of it instead.
Elise Ares: Nice to meet you, BBY. You look all dressed up, about to go knock āem dead? Once youāre done we can share war stories. Iāve been gone a long time but I bet I can still find where LT keeps the booze.
The D: Cause she keeps the PCP RIGHT HERE!
Blaze looks over at Sophia, who looks like sheās about to faint, as he flashes a Hollywood smile back at Elise and The D.
Blaze Claymore: Talent recognizes talent. I saw your interview with Max Kael and couldnāt believe what I was seeing. God. Iām so thankful to have someone in this madhouse that still has the passion for CINEMA. Sometimes walking past these locker rooms is like walking through that warehouse at the end of Indiana Jones, except instead of important historical artifacts, itās justā¦ failure.
Elise Ares: Failure and poor people.
The Leading Lady shivers as The D consoles her.
The D: There there. Itās their fault theyāre idiots and poors. Not ours.
Elise Ares: Look, Blaze, BBYā¦ you seem like a good kid. We can totes appreciate a kid with good taste and a nose for the fine arts. Go out there, sports entertain the heck out of those poors, and when youāre done come find us. Have your people call our people. I think D was even looking for someone like you, werenāt you D? You know for the thing?
The D: Oh Right. Yes. The thing. That thing.
Klein leans in and whispers into the Dās ear. He gets annoyed.
The D: Of course I know which thing sheās referring to! You know, I have a lot of things typically. And my things are always massive. So have your people call our people. Our people is Klein, btw. Give him your number Klein.
Klein tears off a small piece of his cardboard box and jots down a few digits before handing it over to Blaze. The D looks at him with disgust.
The D: You canāt just air drop him?
Elise whispers loud enough for everyone to hear.
Elise Ares: D, you canāt just assume every guild member has an iPhone. Remember what happened to Djimon Hounsou? I think I saw him bagging groceries at a Vons.
Sophia Cuchilla: Oh my God. You know Djimon Hounsou?
Blaze steps forward to interject, placing the number in his robe pocket next to his newly-acquired Elise Ares 8 x 10.
Blaze Claymore: When I take care of The Anglo Luchador tonight? You better believe that the eyes of PRIME will be focused on Blaze Claymore. Thereās no limit to what the threeā fourā¦
Blaze looks over at Klein.
Blaze Claymore: Five. Of usā¦ can accomplish. Especially once weāre back stateside. Canada may be where Hollywood chooses to film, but when it comes to putting butts in seats there is no better place to make your name than in the good olā US of A.
Elise Ares: Iā¦
The D: Donāt tell him.
Elise Ares: ..ām gonna go drink now. Toodles!
The D: Now youāre speaking my language! Nice to meet you kid, weāll talk later.
Klein makes the 90s ācall meā sign as he ushers the battered Pop Culture Phenoms away.
As they leave, Blaze keeps a cocky grin on his faceā¦ just long enough for them to get out of ear shot before he nearly faints, but luckily Sophia is there to catch him as she reaches into his robe pocket and begins to fan him awake with Eliseās signed autograph.
Blaze gasps and leaps up, snatching it away and holding it close to his chest. Sophia looks stunned, and hurt, but quickly flashes an eager smile.
Sophia Cuchilla: Holy shit, right?
Blaze nods, wrapping his arm around Sophia.
Blaze Claymore: By the time weāre done, chicaā¦ itāll be our faces you see on the preview for Lake Placid VI, Part 4: Lakes On A Plane.
Sophia Cuchilla: Oh, Blaze. Do you mean it?
Blaze smiles and squeezes her close.
Blaze Claymore: Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrowā¦ but someday. And someday soon.
Sophia smirks and punches him softly as they head the way the Pop Culture Phenoms had arrived, and make their way toward the ring.
ReVival moves on.
Vince Howard: Introducing first, fromĀ Hollywood, California, weighing in at one hundred and eighty pounds, āTHE MAIN EVENTā BLAZE CLAYMOREEEEEEEE!
The score from āThe Good, The Bad, and the Uglyā hits the PA system as a wide shot of the arena crowd appears on the digital boards and the frame gets slowly cropped from the top and the bottom, forming a perfect Cinemascope display.
WAAHH WAHHH WAHHHH
We cut to a set of red sunglasses framed dramatically by the two black bars at the top and bottom of the screen.
WAAHH WAHHH WAAAAAAAHHHH
The camera cuts again, this time to the eyes of some random member of the crowd who ducks out of the way, wanting no part of this business.
The rattling of a tambourine and the whistle tones of an ocarina fill the space as we cut back to the pair of red sunglasses, just about to be removed as the black bars raise back up and we zoom out to show the face of Blaze Claymore and we follow him as he steps out from the back onto the top of the rampway.
Blaze is joined by Sonja Cuchilla, who kneels down to roll out the Main Eventās very own red carpet. Wearing a similarly-toned red slip, she places a kiss on the Main Eventās cheek as he adjusts his ornate and shimmering red robe, framed by white fringe, and begins to walk down toward the ring.
As has become custom, Sophia begins to hand out 8Ć10 headshots to members of the front row, who take them just to be polite.
As the Main Event reaches the end of the rampway, Sonja takes his sunglasses and helps him remove his robe, throwing it deftly over her arm, watching as Blaze slides into the ring.
The lights go out in the arena, and a big murmur goes up in the crowd, excited for whatās next. Then the PRIMEView lights up to show a Japanese man with impeccable combed-over black hair, a square jaw, and a towel around his neck emphatically saying a phrase in his native tongue. The translation is in subtitles:
āPRO WRESTLING IS A SACRED SPORT!ā
RRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
A spotlight shines on the curtain, and a beat later, The Anglo Luchador jumps out, dressed in a green tracksuit with a purple towel around his neck, pumping his fist into the air. He jogs in place at the top of the ramp for a moment before bounding down to the ring, slapping hands. He gets to the ringside area, strips from his entrance gear, throwing each piece into the crowd before sliding into the ring.
Vince Howard: And his opponent, representing Nobodyās Heroes, weighing in at two hundred and eleven pounds and hailing from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. He is the first Intense Champion of the ReVival, the Last Son of Tenochtitlan, and the Spear of Huitzilopochtliā¦ The Angloooooā¦. LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCHADORRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!
RAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
TAL takes his position in the ring opposite Blaze.
Richard Parker: TAL looks comfortable coming out #2.
Nick Stuart: Was that a poop joke, Rich?
Richard Parker: So insensitive, Nick. I havenāt had a good dump since Reagan, and Iād kill for some explosive d-
DING DING
Ref. Ashley Barlow confirms both men have no weapons and have washed their hands for at least twenty Mississippiās. She calls for the bell.
The two lock up, and TAL quickly takes control with a side headlock into a hip toss that puts Blaze on his back.
Nick Stuart: The Anglo Luchador showing the āMain Eventā some real grappling.
Richard Parker: Why do you hate excellence, Nick?
Nick Stuart:
TAL wrenches the headlock as Blaze desperately tries to wiggle out of the hold. He doubles over TAL with a strike to the gut that releases the hold, but TAL recovers quickly with his own strikes, followed by a knee drop to Blazeās head.
Blaze cups his nose and flails on the ground in pain. TAL doesnāt let him rest. He picks the āA-Lister,ā whips into the corner, and delivers a razor-sharp Knife-edge chop. Blaze screams in pain and clutches his chest. TAL delivers another that sends Blaze to his knees.
TAL takes a moment to take in the adulation of the crowd as Blaze gets back to his feet. He goes for a third and final chop, but Blaze ducks and counters with a kick to the Luchadorās gut. Blaze locks in a front headlock and drives TAL down with a DD-NO! TAL grabs Blazeās leg and sends him off balance. He finally gets a good hold on the slippery Claymore and sends him crashing down with a perfectly executed Dragon Suplex! Blaze looks out of it, and TAL goes for the early pin.
1!
NO!
Blaze reverses into his own cradle-
1!
2!
TAL kicks out, and the crowd audibly sighs in relief. That was close.
Nick Stuart: Claymore wasnāt as dazed by that dragon suplex as he let on. TALās gonna have to be careful with this one. Blaze was a millisecond away from pulling off the biggest win of his career!
Richard Parker: Please. The biggest win of Blazeās career was being born with those cheekbones and that aura. When youāre a STAR, who gives a sh*t about pro wrestling?
Nick Stuart: Uhā¦we do.
Richard Parker: Speak for yourself.
Blaze takes advantage of TALās momentary surprise and bounces off the ropes into a running Yakuza kick. TALās face takes the full force of the blow, and he drops to his hands and knees. Now heās the one looking stunned.
Nick Stuart: TAL is gonna need some new teeth after that hit.
Richard Parker: Blaze is simply administering Hollywood Law: Ugly people get kicked in the face.
Nick Stuart: TAL wears a mask, how would you know what he looks like?
Richard Parker: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but Ugly is in the eyes.
Nick Stuart: ā¦
Richard Parker: Kick him in the head again, Blaze!
Blaze stays on the attack. He drives an elbow into TALās back, jumps off the ropes, and lands a clean back senton on his opponent. He goes for a lazy pin but only gets a one-count. Frustrated that he canāt get by doing the minimum, Blaze screams at the Ref. Barlow, who can only wipe the small bits of spittle from her face as he yells about her incompetence.
BOOOOOOOO!!!
Nick Stuart: The crowd is not enjoying crybaby Claymore.
Richard Parker: Hey, did you know that Blaze was the baby at the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey?
Nick Stuart: What? Nick he wasnāt born yet.
Richard Parker: I know. Heās that good.
Blaze returns to his task of kicking the ever-living crap out of TAL, a look of malice on his face growing with each successive blow. TAL desperately tries to get his feet.Ā A small trickle of blood runs from his mouth; has he actually lost a tooth? TAL rolls out of the ring to try to make space, but that aināt happening.Ā Blaze bounces off the ropes and charges, looking like he SUICIDE DIVES over the top rope, hitting his mark square on the green and purple. TAL is on his side, trying to fight the pain. Blaze is also down. The referee starts the count-out count.
Nick Stuart: Ouch! That is not gonna help either of theirā¦uhhh issues.
Richard Parker: Say it, Nick. Say what this fight is about.
Nick Stuart: Wellā¦theyā¦had accidents in the bath-
Richard Parker: They pissed and shat themselves right on PRIMEtime. Actually, TAL only pissed himself. I heard Blaze pissed, shit, and bled all over himself, which is the kind of dedication you love to see from a young artist. As a man of culture, I was impressed.
Nick Stuart: As a man of hygiene, I wasnāt.
Blaze rises just as Barlow counts to:
2!
3!
Blaze hurries to TAL, hooks both his arms, and BOOM sends the Luchador to DDT dreamland at ringside! A hurricane of boos reigns down on Claymore who raises his arms like itās a standing ovation.
Richard Parker: Magnificent! What a performance! Bravo! Bravo!
Nick Stuart: Heās a bit over the top, donāt you think?
Richard Parker: Youāre lucky you donāt have taste, Nick, or Iād slap it out of your mouth.
The count reaches,
5!
6!
Blaze rolls a wobbly on his feet, TAL back into the ring. He puts the Luchador down again with a neck-breaker in the center of the ring.
Nick Stuart: TAL is dazed and confused, and Blaze is about to do some risky business.
Richard Parker: BLAZE IS ON THE TOP ROPE! Heās gonna whip this towel once and for all!
Nick Stuart: Not so fast!
TAL is back on his feet much faster than expected.Ā He rushes the ropes just as Blaze gets to the top, knocking him off balance and smashing his tailbone right into the top of the turnbuckle. Blaze screams in agony.
Richard Parker: Hey Nick, did you know Blaze was in the Loganās Run remake?
Nick Stuart: Is that the one where they kill all the old people?
Richard Parker: Yeah, and itās a utopia ācause TAL is dead.
TAL shakes off the pain, grabs the ropes in Blazeās corner, and starts the climb. First rope, middle rope, then-
Richard Parker: TAL? On the top rope?? With his knees*?!?!*
Nick Stuart: As TALās shown tonight and repeatedly throughout his career, heās more than capable of improving and adapting to new tal-
Richard Parker: Heās an antique with piƱata bones. Weāre finally about to watch Luchadorās Run, and I, as the kids say, am seated.
The crowd is on their feet out of excitement and maybe some concern as The Anglo Luchador reaches the top and locks his arms around Blaze.
Nick Stuart: Is he gonna Spanish Fly him from there?
He is. Or at least that was the plan. But TAL makes plans, and Blazes laughs as he delivers a series of stiff strikes to TALās midsection that interrupt his maneuver and make him vulnerable.
An exhausted but hungry Blaze musters just enough strength to push TAL from the top.Ā The stunned Luchadorās back hits the mat with a terrible THUD.
Then Blaze jumps off the top rope.
Nick Stuart: DIVING DOUBLE FOOT STOMP!
Richard Parker: Blaze just caved in the TALās chest!!
Nick Stuart: Is he dead?? Seriously, can somebody check his bones???
TALās not deadā¦probably. Itās tough to tell right now. Blaze certainly thinks so. He falls over TAL, and Ashley makes the count:
1!
2!
3-
NO! KICKOUT!! SO CLOSE! TAL kicked out at the last possible moment. Blaze stares into the middle distance in disbelief.
Richard Parker: Outrage! Scandal! Check the tapes! I demand we get Kubrick and Kurosawa themselves to review the footage!
Nick Stuart: Theyāve both been dead for years, Rich.
Richard Parker: Then theyāll understand TALās career.
The crowd starts chanting (To the USA chant):
T! A! L!
T! A! L!
T! A! L!
Nick Stuart: His career looks pretty good for a dead b*tch.
TAL starts to show signs of life, and Blaze takes that personally. He drags the semi-conscious luchador to a corner and sits him against it with little resistance. Sensing the end is near, Blaze signals for THE BLOCKBUSTER.
Richard Parker: TALās toast!
Blaze jumps to the first rope, then up again to deliver to the Bronco Buster to the helpless TAL-NO!
Nick Stuart: Heās alive! Heās alllliiiiiivvvveee!
With the agility of a much younger man with better knees, TAL springs up and catches Blaze mid-jump on his shoulders.
Richard Parker: HOW????
Nick Stuart: TAL reverses!
Blaze is perched on TALās shoulders! He stands and OCEAN CYCLONE SUPLEX! HE HITS IT CLEAN! TAL hooks both of Blazeās legs, but is it enough????
1!
2!
3!
The crowd roars.
DING DING DING
HE DID IT. Ashley Barlow makes the three-count to the horrified wailing of Richard Parker.
Announcer: Hereās your winnerā¦ā¦THE ANGLOOOOOO LUCHADOOOOR!!!!
The Anglo Luchador slides off Blaze and slowly gets to his feet as his music plays. Sebastian Gold runs out and hugs the victorious Hero. The ref raises TALās arm in victory and the crowd loses their goddamn mind for the beloved veteran.
Nick Stuart: That was a close one. But in the end, TALās veteran tactical awareness-
Richard Parker: Come on! Hooking both legs is for amateurs and wax technicians.
Nick Stuart: Itās also for winners, which The Anglo Luchador and upstanding bathroom-users everywhere are tonight.
TAL soaks in the adulation. He was a microsecond away from losing to Claymore, but sometimes thatās all it takes. He celebrates in the ring with his stablemate before heading backstage.
Nick Stuart: Hopefully, next time, they both make it to the toilet.
ReVival moves on.
We cut backstage to a pacing Sebastian Gold, still sporting bruises from his recent Dawkins-made collision. The Alias champās reign is ending tonight, and heās clearly wound up. Fellow Hero TAL is on hand to help calm him down.
TAL: Settle down, you got this. Take a deep brea-
Sebastian Gold: I DONāT WANT TO BREATHE!
That was a bit much. TAL is taken aback, and Sebastian breathes. Itās calming.
Sebastian Gold: Thanksā¦sorry, but thereās so much riding on tonight. Dawkins needs to pay for what he did! I couldnāt stop him then, but I sure as hell am gonna make sure tonight that he never hurts anyone like that again. Maybe then I can look at Crashās parents in the eyes again.
Rob Williams: Tweedle dee and tweedle doh! How the hell are ya?
Sebastian squares up.
Sebastian Gold: I KNEW IT! I knew youād try to start shit tonight or all nights.
TAL: Donāt let him get to you.
Williams mockingly mouths Towelās words back.
Sebastian Gold: Spit it out. You wanna beg me for more sympathy? As if Iād believe a word outta your mouth after you lied about your brain tumor. Go for it. This outta be good.
Rob Williams: Goddamn, kid. The catering is free, get a fucking Snickers or something cause you sound like you need a diaper change. Iām just trying to wish you luck. This is a BIG match for you. Like I said last time, Iāll be seeing you after ā win or lose.
Sebastian turns to TAL.
Sebastian Gold: See? The mind games he plays? āWish me luck?ā Suuuuuure. Didnāt wish me much luck when you were pouring that lighter fluid all over my back, but sure! Why not! Thanks for the āLUCKā shitbag, I see right through you. āIāll be seeing you after,ā indeed. Can you believe this guy??? Iām done with you. You aināt getting in my head, not for a second!
Sebastian, in a state of complete anxiety, goes to the nearest room and slams the door shut. Rob turns to TAL, whom Gold left behind.
Rob Williams: If heās not careful, his hair will turn from black into bright white. Tell your boy Iām just trying to make things right. No shaking and lurching here.
Rob shrugs and hits TAL with the finger guns before leaving.
ReVival mvoes on.
We open on a āfreshā Sketti Bucket, sitting in a bathroom sink.
Pan out.
There is Fred Dick, wearing an entirely white suit with a white top hat (white Jordans obviously), the Intense Title like a cumberband separating his belly from his groin.
He tap dances for a second, then he sings.
Fred Dick: We donāt have a jingle yet, but this is mah fugginā shoooooow. Mark Paul Gosselaar is a bastard, and this is mah fuggin shooooow! Itās Baffroom Fights and ya better be ready, itās mothafugginā Freddy and a Bucket of Skettiiiiiā¦ which you win if you kick my ace! Bahaha!
More tap dancing.
Brutal.
Fred Dick: Welcome to the second episode of Baffroom Fights with Freddy and Sketti. Last week, you may have seen a father and son duo fug me over hardcore by stabbinā me in the back of the leg, and smackinā a toilet lid over my head. I wonāt deny that happened, but I will say this ā those two are a fugginā problem that society needs to address at this point. I mean, Iām not a fugginā psychiatrist! Iām not equipped with the damn tools to handle those two and they damn issues. But the end all be all of it is this right hyunh: those two, especially MPG Senior, can kiss my ace twice ā oh, and Senior? I WILL be callinā Child Protective Services on dat ace, best belee dat.
Fred clears his throat.
Fred Dick: All DAT beinā said, Iām the Innovator of Lavatory Violence, and we got new challengers every week for the delicious Sketti Bucket, brought to you by Sketti Bucket. Who will it be this week? I wonder.
Fred wiggles his eyebrows and tap dances until the bathroom doors open.
The doors open. Footsteps make their way into the room. Sneakersāalso Jordans (oh shit, are those customs? nice)āsqueak against the tile as they come to a stop.
A voice speaks, with a lot more bass than weāre used to.
āWhat the fuck is this?ā
Fred Dick: What the fug is whatā oh my gawd itās them damn COLTONS.
Yes it is. Three whole damn Coltons, in fact.
Nate Colton is taking point, like he does. Hair perfectly styled; blue satin jacket as crisp as everā¦as far as we can tell; heās got his arms crossed in front of it. Overall, he looks like heās in no mood for whatever bullshit this is about to be.
Flanking him are his brother and cousin, Benjamin and Dennis. The Lads. The A-One Since Day One. Pure of Heart and Dumb of Ass. Current darlings of the independent tag team scene. Theyāre looking equally fly in their own jacketsāred and green, respectively.
Fred Dick: Iām sorry. Iām confused. Did someone put a sign up outside the bathroom what said, āSexy fellers with pretty hair and big dicks come on in?ā Is that what the sign said? Because, I didnāt put no damn sign out there what said no romantic shit! Hell naw! My sign said, āCome inside for ace whompinā contest.ā Thatās what the fug my sign said!
Fred walks over to a toilet. He dips his fists in it. Then he pulls them out, covered in yellow nastiness, and puts his dukes up.
Benny Colton: Pretty sure the sign said āMen.ā Maybe yours fell down?
Denny Colton: Cousin. The man just dunked his hands in the shitter and youāre going to talk about his sign?
Benny Colton: Iām trying to talk about anything other than how he just dunked his hands in the shitter, thank you very much.
Indeed, Benny looks a little green around the gills. Maybe he and Denny should switch jackets?
Meanwhile, Nate is looking very unamused.
Nate Colton: Look, Fred. We just came in to use the bathroom, like actual civilized human beings. I got no interest in whatever the fuck it is youāre doing here. Weāll find someplace else. Boys?
Benny Colton: Lads. Lads. Respect the branding.
Nate Colton: [sigh] Lads? Letās go.
Fred panics. Show must go on type shit heās on? It was bound to happen.
Fred Dick: Yāall aināt goin NO DAMN WERE!!!
Fred Dick.
Slaps.
Nate Colton.
With his piss. Covered. Hand.
Fred Dick: Iām tryna make a god damn TV show!!! Do you know what kinda STRESS IāM UNDER??? Of course you donāt. Fug you. Now fight me for a Sketti Bucket prize!!!
Colton sharply turns to the side from the impactāFred is a lot of things, but chief amongst them is a top-notch slapper. His cheek is redā¦and wet.
Slowly, Nate turns back to face the King of Wrong Style. He stares for a moment, before he speaks.
When he does, his voice is eerily calm.
Nate Colton: Hey Alexa.
Benny Colton: Yeah, bro?
Nate Colton: Playā¦āRun Through the Jungle.ā
Benny Colton: You gotā¦wait.
FThe full weight of the request hits Benny, and his eyes bug out a little.
Benny Colton: You sure?
Nate Colton: Yes.
Benny Colton: Youā¦sure sure?
The New Diamond whips his head around to glare at his brother.
Nate Colton: Play it.
He says it through gritted teeth, soā¦
Benny Colton: All right. Itās your funeral.
The first two words are directed at Nate.
The last three are not.
Benny Colton: Whoooaaaa, thought it was a nightmareā¦
CRACK!
Colton drives his forehead right into Fred Dickās face.
Fred Dick staggers back, his nose immediately spouting blood.
Fred Dick: Awww YOU BENCH!!! I WILL KILL YEW!!!
Benny Colton: Lord itās all so trueā¦
Nate Colton cuts Fredās declaration short with a series of right hands, closing with an elbow that sends the Chicken City native to the floor.
Benny Colton: They told me ādonāt go walkinā slow, the devilās on the looseā¦ā
Indeed he is, and it seems heās loosed himself into the New Diamond. Colton mounts Fred and rains more blows upon him, each one equal in precision and severity.
Benny Colton: Better run through the jungleā¦better run through the jungleā¦
Denny Colton: Bow dow dow dow dow dowā¦
ā¦Dennis adds, in his best impression of John Fogertyās guitar. As in all things, heās got his cousinās back.
Meanwhile, Colton completes his beatdown of Fred Dick, now pulling him up by the hair on the back of his head.
Benny Colton: Better run through the jungleā¦whoa, donāt look back to seeā¦
With Fred in a seated position, Nate steps behind and slips his left arm into Fredās armpit. Before long, Fred finds himself in the grasp of the Colton Clutch.
Benny Colton: Thought I heard a rumblināā¦rollinā through my gutsā¦
This is about where Benny loses interest in a song and starts making up his own lyrics.
This is also where Nate hauls Fred up to a standing position, with both men facing a mirror.
Benny Colton: Two hundred Sketti poops are loaded; toilet, meet my buttā¦
But rather than complete the Suplex as one might expect, Nate Colton uses his right leg to hook around Fredās left.
Benny Colton: Dude, are you stealing my shit?
Nate Colton: Play the goddamn song.
Benny Colton: Better run from the baffroomā¦
Nate shifts his weight backwardsā¦but not all the way. Just to build enough momentum to goā¦where?
Oh, no.
Thereās a sink there, Nathan.
Benny Colton: Better run from the baffroomā¦
That might be an actual murder, Nathan.
ā¦
ā¦I donāt think he cares.
Fred Dick: Wait, wait. Before you finish me off, can I just say one thing? Please! Itās vury important.
Nate Colton: What.
Fred Dick: Just pleaseā¦ whatever you do, please, justā¦ put over the Sketti Bucket before you leave. Itās part of my contract. You can do whatever you want to me. Piss on me, take pictures of me knocked out with embarrassing shit all over muh face, cut muh throat open and dance in my blood, spank me and call me your handsome boyā¦ whatever you want! Justā¦ take a bite of the sketti and say itās good. Okay? Please. Please Colt-dawg. Please.
Nate Colton: I donāt give a good goddamn about your contract; Iām gonnaā
Denny Colton: Wait. What flavor sauce?
Fred Dick: Garden Fresh Pesto.
Denny Colton: You got a deal.
Nate glares at his cousin.
Nate Colton: Seriously?
Denny Colton: Itās the best one.
Nate Colton: ā¦
The New Diamond tenses his body, ready to unleash horrible sink-related murder, and thenā¦
ā¦he lets go.
Nate Colton: Fuck this. I need to get cleaned up.
He releases Fred Dick, who drops unceremoniously to the floor, then steps up to one of the other sinks.
Fred, grateful for his reprieve, coughs heavily as he tries to get fresh air into his lungs. Benjamin and Dennis, ever the helpful lads, pull him to his feet (careful not to touch olā Fred anywhere near his hands.)
Denny Colton: Upsy-daisy.
Fred Dick: Thank yew, sweet boys. Such helpful, sweet boys!
Indeed, very helpful. At leastā¦until Benny, now standing behind Fred, puts him back into the Colton Clutch.
Fred Dick: ACK!! You cold blooded bastards!!
Benny Colton: Better run from the baffroomā¦
He hoists Fred off his feet slightly, allowing the bigger Dennis to grab his legs. Together, they drive Fred Dick into the bathroom floor with a combination Colton Clutch drop/spinebuster, aptly named the Colton Crash.
CRASH!
Benny Colton: Whoa, itās not safe to peeā¦
While all that went on, Nate had been scrubbing his face with soap and water. He seems to be satisfied for the momentāat least, itās good enough to get him back to the locker room where he can properly clean himself.
Nate Colton: Thanks, guys. Letās get out of here.
He leaves, with Benjamin and Dennis following closely behindā¦until Denny runs back into the shot to grab the bucket of Sketti. He grabs a few noodles and eats them.
Denny Colton: Mmmmm. So deliciousā¦every time. Nobody does sketti like Sketti Bucket!
The big man scampers away, bucket in tow.
ReVival moves on.
We cut back to Nick Stuart and Richard Parker while PRIME staffers begin setting up the two poles for the next match.
Nick Stuart: Well, Richard, up next weāve got the Green Vale Gang challenging the eGG Bandits composed of Hessian and Tony Gamble in a-
Richard Parker: Double Brass Knuckles on a Pole Match! Iāve been looking forward to this all week, Stuart!
Nick Stuart: New comers Hugo Vale and Daniel Green are looking to make a big splash for themselves against theā¦ well I donāt know if Iād call them a veteran team, but certainly a two men who have a long and storied history in PRIME.
Richard Parker: Cancer Jiles apologists, Stuart!
The lights dim. Not all the way. Softly. What light remains casts a gentle, yellow-orange hue around the arena as the jingle-jangling guitar of āCigarette Daydreamsā by Cage The Elephant hits the speakers.
Did you stand there all alone?
Oh, I cannot explain whatās goinā down
I can see you standinā next to me
In and out somewhere else right now
And out steps two young men, not even old enough to drink, in tweed suits youāll never be able to afford, led by DOCTOR Ned Reform. Handsome bone structure, classic haircuts, itās all very academic, in an elite prep school way. In another life, the pair would be the worst characters in a Fitzgerald novel. Hugo Vale, old American money reincarnated as a smug, brash asshole, and Daniel Green, a battle-tested gentleman who has made the most of his ample opportunities.
You sigh, look away
I can see it clear as day
Close your eyes, so afraid
Hide behind that baby face
Do-do-do
Do-do-do
They are imminently easy to hate, the way their childish hearts allow them to wrap their arms around each otherās shoulders, and sing their own theme music like drunk lads at a bar together, just as the bass and drum touch the track.
You can drive all night
Lookinā for the answers in the pourinā rain
You wanna find peace of mind
Lookinā for the answer
Ned allows them to enjoy the moment, though his face conveys the concern a father might have when his children are being mildly embarrassing. Hugo and Daniel are in their own privileged, youthful world as they almost dance together down to the ring, a giggliness to their behavior that betrays the kind of carefree attitude that most people canāt afford.They glide up the stairs and walk to either side of the apron, before stepping through the ropes in unison.
Vince Howard: At a combined weight of three-hundred-and-eighty-three poundsā¦ Daniel Green, Hugo Valeā¦ THE GREEN VALE GANG!
Hugo and Daniel meet Ned Reform in the center of the squared circle. There, in front of the hoi polloi that is the PRIME fanbase, they pose, and soak in the jeers. Ned exchanges handshakes with both competitors, before exiting the ring as the pair move to their corner. Daniel removes his suit to reveal MMA style trumps while Hugo remains in his tweed suit.
āBorn for Thisā immediately cuts over Cage the Elephant as all eyes turn toward the stage. Stepping out onto the stage comes the scarred visage of Tony Gamble followed closely by big Hessian. Towering over Gamble, Hessian glares down at the ring, toward his opponents.
Richard Parker: The size difference between these two bandits is unreal, Stuart. The Murder Show makes everyone in this match look like children!
Nick Stuart: Itās true, standing at seven-foot-two-inches, Hessian is a true titan among men!
Tony seems to bark orders at Hessian who rolls his eyes, begrudgingly following his fellow eGG Bandit to the ring as the crowd offers a mixed reaction to the two. Hessian lumbers past Gamble, shoving his partner out of the way as he does so. Gamble looks offended, sending a few pointed words at his partner before he continues forward.
Nick Stuart: It looks like the eGG Bandits are having someā¦ issues between each other right now.
Richard Parker: The eGG Bandits are truly one of the most dysfunctional teams in PRIME, but what do you expect when youāre following a guy like Cancer Jiles?
Hessian climbs directly up into the ring, stepping over the top rope with ease. Gamble scurries up the steps and between the ropes, sliding in front of Hessian, posing for the hard cam while the Murder Show glowers down at him.
Vince Howard: At a combined weight of five-hundred-and-fifty-seven poundsā¦ Tony Gamble, Hessianā¦ THE eGG BANDITS!
Hessian and Gamble continue to quietly argue as they move to their corner of the ring. Elvis Nixon checks on both teams while brass knuckles are being hung from two poles, each set up in the unoccupied corners of the ring.
Nick Stuart: Well, folks, it looks like weāre about to sta-
āYou should see me in a CROWN!ā
The crowd erupts in boos as a heavily bandaged Maximillian Wilhelm Kael appears on the stage. Heās wearing this three piece suit however the damage sustained last night in his match against Jackson Cooley is evident as he limps forward slowly. Through the bandages on his face, however, a silver toothed grin is visible.
āIām gonna run this nothing town
Watch me make āem bow
One by one by one.
One by one byā¦ā
Waving to both teams, Max hobbles his way toward the commentary table while ignoring the jeers of the fans.
Richard Parker: At least! A competent partner is finally going to join me on commentary tonight!
Nick Stuart: Max Kael has NO good intentions in this black soul, Parker, so why is he out here?
Richard Parker: Maybe you should ask him yourself!
Reaching the commentary table, Max slowly eases himself into the seat next to Nick Stuart, putting the head phones on as his music dies down.
Max Kael: Gentleman and whatever Nick Stuart qualifies as, youāre very welcome to have me!
Nick Stuart: Yeah, well maybe Parker feels that way, why the hell are you out here?
Max Kael: Itās still a free country, right? Iām here to watch some good, old fashion tag team wrestling! So shut up and let me do what I do best.
Nick Stuart: And whatās that?
Max Kael: Talk.
There is a groan from Stuart as we return our attention to referee Elvis Nixon who signals for the bell!
DING DING DING DING!
The Green Vale Gang immediately charge across the ring the moment the bell sounds, knocking a surprised Tony Gamble out of the ring before they team up against Hessian. They pummel the massive Murder Show with a series of strikes backing the big man into the corner. Grabbing his wrists, the GVG attempts to whip Hessian into the opposite corner; however the big man doesnāt budge.
Nick Stuart: It looks like the Green Vale Gang might have bitten off more than they can chew here.
Richard Parker: Maybe, but you should never doubt the power of youthful exuberance!
Max Kael: Oh wow, Richard, your vocabulary has really improved recently.
Richard Parker: Thanks, Iāve been studying English on Duolingo.
They try once again, being cheered on by Ned Reform on the outside. Unfortunately for Green and Vale, once again Hessian doesnāt move. As both men realize they are not a match for Hessian physically, the Murder Showās beard moves in a way that might make you think heās smiling. Pulling both men toward himself, Hessian drops both with a double clothesline!
Max Kael: Iāve had a lot of experience with the eGG Bandits and I can tell you right now, underestimate them at your own peril.
Richard Parker: Well, at least donāt underestimate Hessian.
Max Kael: I mean he is a big fuckinā bastard and heās tough to beat for sure. But in the immortal words of someone I should know, Iāve beaten him.
Nick Stuart: Youāre shameless!
Both Daniel and Hugo snap up to their feet only for Daniel to eat a massive boot from Hessian that sends him through the ropes to the outside. Hessian snatches Hugo by the neck looking for a huge chokeslam but the younger Vale quickly and openly kicks Hessian straight in the balls!
Releasing the grip, Hessian stumbles back, holding his crotch.
Nick Stuart: A blatant low blow from Vale!
Richard Parker: Ā Yeah but itās perfectly legal in a pole match!
Max Kael: Itās no death match but who doesnāt love a pole match?
On the outside Daniel Green and Tony Gamble have found each other, trading rights and lefts as their scuffle takes them over the barricade and into the crowd.
Back in the ring Hugo uses Hessianās stunned state to make a run for one of the brass knuckles hanging on high. Moving with the fluid speed of a varsity athlete, Hugo darts across the ring and runs straight up the turnbuckle, arms outstretched for the knuckles.
Max Kael: The athleticism of the Green Vale Green is just incredible. Could you imagine Hessian running up the turnbuckle like that?
Richard Parker: His knees might explode!
Nick Stuart: While I donāt agree with the assessment about exploding knees, credit where itās due, Vale, despite still wearing a SUIT, is a testament to his physical capacity.
As Vale begins to try and unhook the Brass Knuckles, Hessian has already recovered and closes the space between the two of them with four massive steps, grabbing Valeās leg. With a strength reserved for men of Hessianās strength, he swings his younger and much smaller opponent like a rag doll by his ankle, hurling him across the ring.
Nick Stuart: Such power from the Murder Show!
Richard Parker: This isnāt fair! Hessian weighs as much as BOTH men in the GVG, itās practically a handicapped match!
Max Kael: Glad itās not me!
Surprisingly Vale lands, rolls up to his feet and springs up to the other pole, frantically grabbing for the knuckles on that side of the ring as Ned Reform flails wildly on the outside trying to grab Hessianās attention.
Max Kael: Incredible! Thatās some super hero shit if Iāve ever seen it!
Richard Parker: While heās wearing a tweed suit!
Nick Stuart: Vale has the moves!
Meanwhile on the outside, Daniel Green and Tony Gamble continue to battle with the more experienced Permascar Superstar getting the upper hand in their exchange. Slamming Green into the ring steps, Tony turns his attention back into the ring where he spots Vale going for the knuckles.
Tony quickly scrambles onto the ring apron, shoving Vale off the turnbuckle causing him to crash down to the outside as the crowd lets out a collective āOOOOH!ā
Nick Stuart: A nasty tumble for Vale as Tony manages to catch the youngster off guard!
Max Kael: Itās a simple attack but damned if it wasnāt efficient by Jon Rhineās favorite wrestler.
Gamble climbs into the ring and once again begins to berate Hessian about something before pointing to the brass knuckles.
CRACK!
The sound of steel connecting with flesh echoes through the Rogers Centre as Daniel Green smashes a chair into the back of a distracted Hessian! The Murder Show doesnāt drop but instead turns slowly, his eyes full of murderous intent. Tony Gamble laughs off the attack, pointing at Green like heās fucked up.
Richard Parker: Get out! Get out of there!
Max Kael: Uh oh, Iāve been on the other end of this glare. I hope Green has a plan here!
CRACK!
Daniel Green swings the chair with all his strength straight into Hessianās head. This time the big Hessian is staggered, stumbling backward. Realizing that Green has actually managed to deliver some damage to his partner, Gamble swears and starts to charge forward only to get tripped up by a recovered Hugo Vale. Tripped up, Gamble falls and is dragged by his legs to the outside of the ring by Hugo.
CRACK!
A third chair shot to the head brings Hessian down to his knees, a tickle of blood running down his forehead. Tossing the chair away, Green takes advantage of the position that Hessian is in, locking on a Standing Guillotine attempting to choke out the massive Murder Show.
Max Kael: See! Itās like I said, he had a plan!
Nick Stuart: No you didnāt, you said you hoped he had a plan!
Max Kael: Agree to disagree.
Richard Parker: Clear the wax out of your ears, Stuart!
On the outside Vale removes his blazer, choking Gamble with it before tossing him into the ring steps with a thunderous crash, cheered on by Ned Reform. Taking time to shit talk his opponent, Hugo lays a few boots into the Grin before holding his hands up in victory. This is met by a hostile crowd of booing.
Nick Stuart: The Canadian faithful making their feelings known here tonight.
Max Kael: Yeah, well, their Canadians, what do you expect? Good taste?
Richard Parker: A whole country of losers, thatās what my father always told me.
Back inside the ring Hessian has begun to fade in the choke hold. Still, his massive size is proving problematic for Green as heās unable to force Hessian down fully, his bulk keeping him propped up. Daniel finally relents, releasing the Standing Guillotine before leaning in with a flurry of elbow strikes directly to Hessianās jaw.
Nick Stuart: Daniel Green is impressing me tonight, heās holding his own against Big Hess!
Max Kael: Green is the best killer to come out of an Ivy League school since Luigi Mangione!
Nick Stuart: Thatās.. Thatās WILDLY inappropriate, Iād like to apologize to our viewing audience.
Max Kael: What?! Offended by facts?!
Outside the ring Hugo drags Gamble up to his feet only to catch an eye rack from the crafty veteran. This is followed up by a fist right into Valeās crotch drawing a high pitched cry from the younger man before he topples over. Reform screams for Nixon to disqualify Gamble unfortunately Nixon can only shrug apologetically.
Rolling back into the ring, Gamble charges at Daniel, whose last elbow strike finally knocks Hessian to the ground. Swinging for the fences, Gamble attempts to take Danielās head off with a lariat however the younger Green notices at the last moment and beneath the arm executing a nearly flawless Spine Buster on the Permascar Superstar!
Nick Stuart: An incredible counter from Green!
Max Kael: Pin him, youāve got that Bandit beat!
Green hooks the leg as Elvis Nixon starts the count!
One!
Two!
Kickout!
Gamble throws his arm up in defiance of his opponent. Green doesnāt relent, however, staying on task as he mounts his opponent before laying in rights and lefts. Gamble does his best to cover up with his arms however the onslaught quickly wears down his defenses.
Recovering from the low blow, Vale climbs into the ring while Ned Reform yanks a table out from beneath the ring. With Hessian down and Gamble being pounded on, Vale takes the moment to climb the nearest turnbuckle with a pair of knuckles hanging from them.
Max Kael: Heās going for the Knuckles again! Climb! Climb!
Nick Stuart: Itās clear your here to support the Green Vale Gang, huh?
Max Kael: I never said that! Iām enjoying this for both teams!
Nick Stuart: Sure. Sure.
Hugo manages to dislodge the first pair of brass knuckles, holding them high with a smirk on his face as the crowd boos him.
Richard Parker: Oooooh shits about to hit the fan!
Nick Stuart: The first pair of knuckles has been claimed by Hugo Vale, Iām not liking the look on his face.
Max Kael: What!? You have a problem with handsome, young men?
Nick Stuart: I never said that!
Climbing down from the turnbuckle, Vale motions for Green to pick up Gamble while slipping the knuckles over his right hand. Daniel complies, pulling a beaten Tony Gamble up to his feet, holding his arms behind his back as he exposes the eGG Bandit to a shot from the knuckles.
Hugo charges in, swinging his right first toward his target however at the last minute Tony manages to free himself, dropping down. Vale and Green both make emergency evasive actions as Hugo nearly strikes his team mate in the face.
Nick Stuart: Oh so close! There was almost a miscommunication of epic proportions there between the GVG!
Max Kael: Theyāre the better team, Stuart! You see Hessian and Gamble arguing this entire time? Yet the GVG have been a well oiled machine, so much so they they avoided th-
Both men stare at Hugoās right hand, surprised and thankful that Vale hadnāt landed the blow on Green. Their moment of relief is cut short as Tony Gamble slips up to his feet and shoves Hugo into Daniel, their heads colliding, knocking Green to the outside. Shaking off the unintentional headbutt, Vale turns around into a quick kick to the gut followed by a Piledriver in the center of the ring!
Max Kael: Tony Gamble, what a scum bag!
Nick Stuart: Tony Gamble, what a save for his team!
Richard Parker: Oh now we see who youāre favoriting!
Gamble covers!
One!
Two!
Kickout!
The man in the tweed suit kicks out though he drops the knuckles at the same time.
Max Kael: Ā Stuart, do you have ANY idea how hard it is to kick out while wearing a tweed suit? Do you!?
Nick Stuart: No, I donāt and I donāt want too. But Hugo Vale did decide to wrestle in tweed so any difficulties are on him!
Richard Parker: Youāre so damn heartless, Stuart!
Gamble puts the boots to Vale before turning his attention to his partner, a bloodied Hessian who has started to recover from the onslaught Green poured on him. As Hessian recovers in the ropes Gamble quickly moves to grab the second pair of knuckles hanging from the pole on the other side of the ring.
Ned Reform immediately climbs onto the apron, berating Tony in his attempt to distract him. The Grin quickly retrieves the knuckles, slipping them on before climbing down. Reform continues to lose his chill on the ring apron, doing whatever he can to buy time for his boys as Gamble smiles.
CRACK!
Ned Reform is sent into another dimension as Gamble clocks him with his brass knuckles. Nedās lifeless body falls hard to the outside, cold clocked into an early bedtime as the crowd erupts in cheers.
Richard Parker: Ned Reform is NOT a competitor in this match! How could Gamble just do that!
Nick Stuart: Ned interjected himself, he got what he deserved!
Max Kael: What if I just showed up and blasted you in the face with brass knuckles! How would you feel!? Have you no empathy, man!?
Having taken out the trash, Tony returns his attention to his opponents.
Tony runs face first into a Spinning Backfist from a recovered Daniel Green. Gamble drops his pair of brass knuckles and stumbles backward, stunned. Green follows this up with a stiff, surgical right hook to Gambleās liver, crumbling the veteran like a wad of wet paper.
Richard Parker: Deep Cut!
Max Kael: He Luigied him!
Nick Stuart: Stop it!
Hugo Vale, who has managed to return to his feet, helps Green pick up Tony Gamble, a wild look in their eyes. With him hoisted up on their shoulder they charge forward, double powerbombing him over the top rope and down onto the table Ned Reform had set up outside!
Nick Stuart: Oh no! OH NO!
Richard Parker: DO IT!
CRASH!
The table explodes as Tonyās body smashes through! The two celebrate as though theyāve won the Tag Team Titles while the crowd shows them absolutely no love.
Max Kael: Thatās what he gets for attacking a helpless manager!
Nick Stuart: Tony Gamble has been broken in half! Someone check up on him, he must have fallen ten feet to the outside!
Rising like Godzilla from the sea, however, rises a bloodied Hessian. In both hands he has a pair of brass knuckles, scavenged from the ring while the Green Vale Gang engaged in table murder on Tony Gamble. With his furious return, the crowd once again erupts into the cheers.
Max Kael: Turn around! TURN AROUND!
Nick Stuart: Heās got both the knuckles! Heās loaded up!
Richard Parker: This isnāt fair! Somebody stop Hessian!
At first the GVG think itās for them but it slowly dawns on them that something isnāt right. Turning slowly they realize the danger theyāre in.
And thatās when Hessian starts swinging.
The first is a left aimed at Valeās head, which the smaller man is able to duck under.
Max Kael: Swing and a miss! I think Hessianās too slow for these kids!
Then a right swing for Greenās body which also misses as his quicker opponent manages to twist away from.
Richard Parker: Max is right! Hessian canāt hit these guys!
Both GVG return a salvo of strikes to Hessianās back causing the monster of a human to spring around with a backfist.
Green is able to duck beneath it, unfortunately Hugo is caught in the side of the head. The force causes him to spin through the air as though he were executing a quadrupole jump in a figure skating contest.
Nick Stuart: You both were saying?!
Daniel gives his lifeless partner a quick glance before focusing back on Hessian. The Murder Show presses his advantage, once again swinging his tree truck like arms as Green who manages to continually dodge and skitter out of danger, much to the big manās frustration.
Max Kael: Stick and move! Stick and move!
Richard Parker: Greenās fighting skills are next level!
Cutting off the ring, Hessian is able to back Green into a corner. Sure that his opponent couldnāt manage to slip away now, big Hess sends a battering ram of a punch straight down his sights. Unfortunately for him, Green shows awareness beyond his years, dropping down to his knees as the punch connects with the turnbuckle.
Nick Stuart: Iāll admit, Greenās ring smarts are well beyond his years, heās managed to avoid Hessianās offensive!
Max Kael: Get on the Green Vale Gang bandwagon, Stuart, before you get left behind!
The force of the strike shakes the ring and sends a stinging pain up Hessianās arm causing him to drop the brass knuckles in his right hand. Staggering back while shaking the pain out of his arm, Hessian almost looks impressed with Greenās elusiveness.
Daniel doesnāt stand on ceremony, snatching up the Brass Knuckles before sending a powerful blow to Hessianās left knee. Howling in pain while clutching his knee, Hessian staggers back. Sensing blood in the water, Green sizes up the big main as he readies his right hook once again.
Max Kael: Weāre in the endgame now, folks! Green is gonna put this guy do-
CRACK!
From seemingly nowhere Tony Gamble has returned to life, throwing a chair from the ring apron into the back of Greenās head! Green topples over, shock, surprise and pain overtaking his senses. Max stands up behind the commentary table, throwing his headset off in disgust!
Nick Stuart: Somehow Tony Gamble has returned!
Richard Parker: Call it what it is, STuart, that was a cheap shot!
Scrambling into the ring, Hessian and Gamble exchange a quick nod. Hoisting Green up onto his shoulders, Gamble tosses him over to the Murder Show who catches him midair into a Canadian Backbreaker Rack!
Richard Parker: This isnāt right! The eGG Bandits were supposed to be dysfunctional, now theyāre working together!?
Nick Stuart: Get ready, Parker! Here it comes!
A half-a-second later and Hessian drives Greenās head down into the mat with a brutal Gonzo Bomb!
Nick Stuart: HELLEVATOR!
Climbing back into the ring comes Hugo Vale, blood pouring from a gash on the side of his face where Hessian had connected with the bass knuckles. Before he can interject himself Gamble launches himself forward, tackling his opponent through the ropes as both men crash onto the floor!
Richard Parker: Grade A bullshit! No! NO!
Hessian covers!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
DING DING DING DING!
Vince Howard: Youāre winnersā¦ Tony Gamble and the Murder Show Hessian.. THE eGG BANDITS!
Hessian doesnāt wait for Elvis Nixon to hold up his hand as āKingdom of the Wormā by Motorhead fills the arena. Instead he immediately climbs outside the ring, pulling Tony Gamble off a Hugo Vale as though he were a small doll.
Nick Stuart: They did it! The eGG Bandits managed to pull out a victory!
Richard Parker: Just like Cancer Jiles, they cheated! Cheated to win!
Nick Stuart: How do you cheat in a no-dq match, Parker?
A bloodied but victorious Hessian carries Tony toward the back. Though groggy, a smile, accentuated by his scar, pulls across his face as he holds up his hand in which he carries one of the pair of brass knuckles.
Nick Stuart: Looks like Tony Gamble is taking a souvenir home with him!
Richard Parker: Cheaters AND thieves!
Back in the ring Daniel Green begins to stir while a recovering Ned Reform tends to Hugo Vale. Max Kael leaves the commentary table, slithering into the ring as he peers down at the second pair of brass knuckles left behind. He reaches down and picks them up before turning his attention to Green who has recovered enough to sit up, glaring up at the Lord of Kaelsalvania.
Nick Stuart: Whatās going on here?!
Richard Parker: Why are you asking me, I canāt read Maxās mind, for which I am very grateful.
After a pregnant and uncomfortable silence where it appears that Max is trying to figure out if heās gonna hit Green or help him, Max finally extends his hand. Hesitating at first, Green finally accepts as Kael pulls Green up to his feet.
All four men, Daniel Green, Hugo Vale, Ned Reform and Max Kael then exit together leaving many questions for both the commentary team and the Rogers Centre crowd.
Nick Stuart: Well, folks, it looks like we might be seeing the beginnings of something dreadful here in PRIMe.
Richard Parker: And by dreadful you mean awesome?
Nick Stuart: No, no I mean dreadful. Well, folks, weāre gonna take a commercial break and be right back!
We cut to commercial.
With the Colton family having fucked Fred up in the bathroom, Rob Williams and Anna Daniels find themselves carrying Fred back to the Whorehouse to lick his wounds.
Fred Dick: Letās get back to The Whorehouse and so I can lick my wounds.
Anna Daniels: Be careful, Fred. Youāre leaning against the fourth wall.
But someone, as it turns out, has other plans.
As The Poor Whoresmen round the final corner, theyāre greeted not by the familiar sight of The Whorehouse door, but by a line.
A long-ass line.
It snakes down the hallway, packed with fans. Not staff. Not crew. Fans. Wide-eyed, phone-waving, merch-wearing lunatics grinning like they won backstage golden tickets. Some snap selfies. Others whisper and giggle like giddy schoolgirls at their first dance.
Rob Williams: The fuck is this?!
From behind the closed Whorehouse door comes the unmistakable sound of chaos. Cheers. Gasps. Yelps. Something crashes. Someone screams. Thenā¦ silence. The door swings open with a roar from inside. A dazed fan stumbles out, shirt torn and lip split, blood pouring from what used to be a nose. He limps past The Whoresmen without a word, eyes blank and brain clearly still processing the trauma.
SLAM. The door shuts again, just as quickly as it had opened.
Anna Daniels: ā¦guys, what the hellās going on?
Rob Williams: Shit, we gotta find out, aināt we?
They inch closer, Fred still groaning between them like a hungover ragdoll. The cheers grow louder, more fevered. Thatās when they finally see it. A banner, strung up above the Whorehouse door, letters crudely spray-painted in dripping black:
ULTRADIAMONDS 2025
Anna, Fred, and Rob (in unison): Oh shit.
From inside, over the frenzied din of bloodlust, a familiar voice rises.
Voice: AINāT YOU PECKERWOODS ENTERTAINED?
The crowd roars back: HELL YES.
Rob grabs the handle, swings the door wide open, andā¦
The Whorehouse is gone
What stands in its place is pure carnage.
The couches, the lockers, the usual comforts? Gone..
In their place? Mayhem.
Fifteen, maybe twenty fans packed shoulder to shoulder, waving crumpled cash in the air like itās a strip club on fire. The floor is slick with blood. Fists fly. People scream.
And there, at the eye of the storm, stands The Rhinestone Cowboy himself.
Daytona Diamonds.
Onlyā¦ heās bigger now. Much bigger. A wall of muscle wrapped in veins, sweat, and glittering rhinestones.
In one hand, heās holding a fan up by their hair. With the other, heās pounding their face into raw hamburger.
Daytona Diamonds: CāMON, YOU SONUVABITCH! YOU ALL OUTTA STEAM?! YOU PAID GOOD-ASS MONEY TO GET BACK HERE, NOW WHY IN THE GOOD GODDANG AINāT YOU FIGHTINā?!
He lets the body drop to the floor like trash.
Then he straightens, slowly coming to stand before he turns towards the door.
His chest heaves. His arms cross. The grin on his blood-splattered face? Pure hellfire.
Daytona Diamonds: Well, shit! āBout time yāall showed up! Hey, guess what?
The Whoresmen stand wide-eyed.
Daytona Diamonds: Daddyās home, motherfuckers.
ReVival moves on.
Nick Stuart: Coming up next, ladies and gentlemenā¦ the highly-anticipated battle for the ALIAS Championship! Reigning champion Sebastian Gold, progenitor of the āStuntman Rulesā stipulation, walks into his third and potentially final title defense tonight. If he wins this, he will earn himself a shot at either the Five Star or Intense Championship! But it will be a hard road to get thereā¦
Richard Parker: Hard? More like impossible, Nick! Because tonight, heās gotta survive Bryan Dawkins! The very man he STOLE that ALIAS Championship from back at ReVival 62!
Nick Stuart: As you pointed out, these two competitors are hardly strangers to each other within the ring at this point! And the stakes are even greater in this third encounter, thanks to Dawkinsā flagrant ASSAULT on the champion back at ReVival 69, and his attempted MANSLAUGHTER of Goldās friend and ally, Crash Jackson!
Richard Parker: Youāre being completely unfair, Nick! Do you have any idea what Bryan Dawkins has had to go through ever since Sebastian Gold took the ALIAS Championship from him? Or how much stress itās put on him and the Red Army?
Nick Stuart: Iām sure the Proporshchik is eager to bring the ALIAS Championship back to the Red Armyā¦ but Gold has shown great promise with the title! A successful defense here tonight will put him among the ranks of Coral Avalon and Kerry Kuroyama as one of the few to make it three wins as champ! But without further adieu, ladies and gentlemen, letās go to the ring!
The arenaās lights fade to black momentarily before exploding in a pyrotechnic display of crimson and gold fireworks.
āThe Soviet National Anthemā by the Russian Red Army Choir blasts through the PA system, eliciting a cascade of boos from the PRIME faithful.
Out steps the newest member of The Red Army, the former Flyinā Hawaiian himself, Bryan Dawkins.
Clad in his signature Red Army issued crimson and gold sunglasses, he slowly makes his way to the ring devoid of any emotion. The young kids that once chanted āBRUHā now boo his presence and the worst part is? He doesnāt care.
He slides into the ring and does a quick check of the ropes before settling into his corner of the ring.
Richard Parker: Right there is a picture of poise and presence! Zero nerves whatsoever! Dawkins knows EXACTLY what it means to be Alias Champ, and knows that last match with Gold was nothing but a fluke!
Nick Stuart: Once the fan favorite, Bryan Dawkins has seemingly given up all of his famously laid-back and carefree attitude, slowly evolving into a pure wrestling machine under the guidance of Ivan Stanislav and the Red Army!
Richard Parker: Stalinism GETS THINGS DONE, Nick! Bryan Dawkins has become his best self with the help of the Army! More grapple, less pineapples!
I GET AHEAD ON MY MOTORBIKE
I GET AHEAD ON MY MOTORBIKE
The Opening riff of āThe Living Endā coats the arena as yellow smoke covers the top of the ramp.
THEREāS NOTHING ELSE BUT MEEEE
On his bike, Sebastian VAULTS through the smoke and lands at the top of the ramp. The bike sweeps around and parks, and throws up his hands for the crowd.
THEREāS NOTHING ELSE BUT MEEEEE
The Bastion of Action throttles the bike and rides it down the rest of the rampway. Halfway down, he begins to stand up in his seatā¦
AN EMPTY ROOOAAAAD
AND A COOL, COOL WIND
MAKES IT FEEL SO GOOOOOOOOD
When the bike reaches ringside, itās stopped by a foam crash pad, sending him DIVING through the ropes into a perfect somersault, popping back to his feet to a massive ovation! He climbs the top turnbuckle, holds up his ALIAS Championship and points to the sky.
Nick Stuart: WOW!! The former stuntman, Sebastian Gold, pays tribute to his roots with that stunt!
Richard Parker: This reckless idiot! He could have injured somebody in the crowd! Let alone himself, but thatās no big loss!
Nick Stuart: Or maybe heās just proving to these Toronto fans that he is fearless in the face of danger! Either way, I think if someone is at risk of being injured, itās Bryan Dawkins, given his actions at ReVival 69ā¦
Both competitors go to their respective corners as Vince Howard makes the official introductions.
Vince Howard: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is a special āStuntman Rulesā contest, for the ALIAS Championship of PRIME!
RRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!
Vince Howard: Introducing first, the challenger! Hailing from Moscow, Russia, by way of Hilo, Hawaii, United Statesā¦ he weighs in at two-hundred and thirty-two poundsā¦ representing the RED ARMYā¦ BRRYYYAAANN DAAAAWWKIIINNSS!!!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Waiting patiently in his corner, Dawkins makes no attempt to pose or acknowledge the fan reaction. His eyes are solely focused on the champion standing across the ring from him.
Vince Howard: And the opponentā¦ hailing from Los Angeles, California, United States, and weighing in at one-hundred and eighty-seven poundsā¦ representing NOBODYāS HEROES, he is the ALIAS CHAMPION of PRIMEā¦ SEEBAAASTIIOOONN GOOOOOOOOLLLD!!!
RRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!
Gold relinquishes the belt for the third and final time, handing it over to presiding official, Jimmy Turnbull. Turnbull holds the belt up to the four cardinal directions of the arena before handing it over to the timekeeper.
Richard Parker: Hey, whatās Jimmy Turnbull doing in there?! I read somewhere that he DIED!
Nick Stuart: Dangit, Rich, donāt even start with that! What did I tell you about hanging around on that weird subreddit you follow? You know full well that Jimmy Turnbull didnāt die at ReVival 69, because you were there! Are you going to believe the word of internet conspiracy theorists, or your own EYES?
Richard Parker: ā¦you sure heās not a robot controlled by AI?
Nick Stuart: Ughā¦ whatever, this ārobotā is cueing for the bell! HERE WE GO!
DING DING
Off the bell, the challenger comes marching out of his corner ready to maim. The champion RUNS out of his own, crashing into the formerās midsection with a shoulder tackle. Gold wraps his arms around Dawkinsā waist, while Bryan likewise grabs Bash around the torso, and the two tussle chaotically across every square foot of the squared circle.
Nick Stuart: Here we go! Gold and Dawkins, in their third encounter, go right after each other out of the gate!
Richard Parker: The ring may not be big enough to contain these two!
Nick Stuart: You might be right, Rich! There THEY GO through the ropes to the FLOOR!
Pushing off the balls of his feet, Gold launches himself and Dawkins through the second and third sets of ropes and takes the fight out to ringside. After spilling out onto the mats, both men are up in a flash and tearing into each other once more.
Nick Stuart: Unsurprisingly, this match is starting with an all-out brawl! Jimmy Turnbullās going to have his work cut out for him with this one!
Richard Parker: For his sake, I hope he thoroughly searched both guys for sharp objects!
In the ring, the official fecklessly calls both competitors to bring it back within the ropes. Without having him out there to reprimand him, Dawkins balls up his fist and tags Goldās face. With the champion reeling, Bryan doesnāt hesitate to take him by the hair and drive that same face into the steel guardrail a few times for good measure.
Nick Stuart: Dawkins appears to be taking advantage of the lax rulings that exist in the ringside areaā¦
Richard Parker: Thatās a brilliant strategy! When you see an opportunity, and your opponent is too slow to notice, you jump on it!
Nick Stuart: I feel Sebastian Gold might have something to say about that.
Richard Parker: Then maybe he should have kept the fight in the ring, eh?
Still wrangling Gold by the neck and the arm, Dawkins pivots around and WHIPS him to the steel stepsā¦
CRASH!
Nick Stuart: Oh my, what a collision! Gold went shoulder-first into those steps!
Richard Parker: The same shoulder Bryan nearly BROKE back at ReVival 69! He knows EXACTLY what heās doing.
Dawkins briefly slips under the ropes to break Turnbullās count before it reaches eight, then sets his sights on Gold once more. Peeling the Alias Champion up from the segmented steps, Bryan rakes Bashās face across the apron before reeling him into a knee lift to double him over.
Nick Stuart: Dawkins in control, aiming the champ toward the ring and reaching down with a waistlockā¦ hang on a sec, is he planning a KURCHATOVāS BOMB on the RING APRON?!
Richard Parker: Good! Letās end this one quick!
Unfortunately for Dawkins, as soon as Gold is brought up to his shoulders, the champion instinctively reaches up and takes hold of the ropes to keep himself from being brought down. Before Bryan can react, Bash twists himself free with a headscissor takedown, earning an excited pop from the crowd!
Nick Stuart: Quick thinking by Sebastian Gold leads to a quick headscissor reversal!
Richard Parker: Headscissor, my foot! That was the Goldsteiner! Disqualify him for using his own move under Stuntman Rules, Jimmy!
Turnbull is instead grateful that Gold rolls Dawkins back into the ring before taking a second to slap his shoulder a couple times and pull himself up to the apron. The former Flyinā Hawaiian gets up and turns around in time to see Bash vaulting over the ropesā¦
Nick Stuart: Gold, DIVING INTO THE RINGāGOD, NO!!
The roar of the crowd immediately falls silent as Dawkins suddenly explodes off the mat with a bicycle knee strike that lands directly under Goldās chin!
Nick Stuart: Dawkins with Roseās THORN PRICK knee strike, shutting down whatever the Alias Champion had in store for him!
Richard Parker: Yeah! Gold looks like a car crash victim right now!
Nick Stuart: Too soon, partner! Hereās Dawkins, going for the coverā¦
One!
Two!
Kickout by Gold!
The frustration that appears on Bryanās face is instantaneous. He again grabs Gold by the hair, drags him to the ring edge, wraps the afflicted arm over the top rope, and savagely torques the shoulder!
Nick Stuart: And now Dawkins is going right back to that SHOULDER, this time using the ROPES!
Turnbull quickly steps in and calls for the break, only to be ignored. With no other choice, he begins the count.
āOneā¦ twoā¦ threeā¦ foā!ā
Richard Parker: THERE, he broke the hold! Everybody happy now?
Nick Stuart: He milked the hell out of that count!
Richard Parker: Maybe Turnbull just needs to speak louder to be heard over these annoying fans! I know he recently survived a traumatic experience, but thatās no reason to get all mush-mouth in a championship match!
Gold collapses onto the bottom rope, clutching his shoulder in agony, while Jimmy steps into Dawkinsā personal space to give him a reprimanding. Bryanās face remains cold and emotionless, barely registering the officialās words as he moves past him, pulls the Golden Boy back off the mat, and pushes him off the ropes.
Nick Stuart: Hereās Dawkins, sending Gold into motionā¦ looking for the back body dropābut Bash FLIPS FORWARD and lands on his feet!
Richard Parker: Hey! Wait! Slow down here!
Nick Stuart: Now Gold grabs Dawkins from behindā¦ and heās got Chandler Tsondaās BREATHTAKER locked in! We have a submission attempt happening in the center of the ring!
The crowd cheers excitedly as Sebastian cinches in the Cobra clutch. Dawkins fights in an effort to free himself, but his predicament only worsens when the Alias Champion jumps onto his back with a body scissor.
Nick Stuart: All Sebastian Gold needs to do is wrangle the challenger to the mat, and I feel he could have this in the bag!
Richard Parker: Not on your life! Thereās no way a master JIU JITSU expert like Bryan Dawkins is going to tap out to such an amateur move!
Bryan teeters on both legs while Bash throws his weight from side to side in an effort to take him off balance. Instead, the BRUH quickly backs into a cornerā¦
Nick Stuart: And Dawkins CRUSHES Gold against the turnbucklesā¦ but no, the Breathtaker still holds!
Richard Parker: He aināt gettinā the hint!
Nick Stuart: And AGAIN Bryan slams against the buckle padsā¦ and AGAINā¦ and AGAIN!
Gold collapses into a heap, seated up against the bottom turnbuckle pads. Dawkins immediately stomps a mudhole into him, specifically targeting the shoulder. Bash attempts to shield the arm, but only gets the BRUHās heel pressing into his windpipe for his efforts.
Nick Stuart: Dawkins is now CHOKING Gold against the turnbuckles! Turnbull is in there immediately, trying to break this up!
Richard Parker: Hey, heās got until the count of four! Let the man work!
Once again ignoring the official, Dawkins pulls off on the choke to cross the ring to the opposite turnbuckle
Nick Stuart: Here comes DAWKINSā¦ NO!! Gold ROLLS ASIDE at the last second, and Dawkins put his KNEE right to that turnbuckle!
The former Flyinā Hawaiian clutches his knee and collapses in the corner, while Sebastian rallies himself to his feet, urged on by the cheering fans. Still favoring his shoulder, the Alias Champion sees the tables turned, and charges to the cornerā¦
Nick Stuart: HIP ATTACK by Sebastian Gold! Shades of āThe Psychoberryā RIA!
Richard Parker: Thatās the filthiest, most reprehensible move in pro wrestling history!
Nick Stuart: Action Bastian is taking full advantage of the Stuntman Rules tonight, reaching deep into the playbooks of some of PRIMEās greatest heroes! Now he pulls Dawkins out of the corner, and makes the cover!
One!
Two!
NO! Bryan Dawkins pops the shoulder!
The fans groan in disappointment, but undeterred, Sebastian rolls the BRUH over onto his belly and pulls him back to his feet by way of a waistlock.
Nick Stuart: The Alias Champion has Dawkins from behind and has ahold of the armā¦Ā could be looking for the Anglo Luchadorās DrizzleāNO, WAIT, DAWKINS SLIPS AROUND AND GETS HIM WITH A SCHOOLBOY ROLL-UP!!
ONE!
TWO!
THRāNEEEARLY a three, although Iām not sure it would have counted off of a common move!
Richard Parker: Thatās where youāre wrong, Nick! That was no ordinary roll-up! Clearly, it was the Schwartz Special, as utilized by his comrade, Randall Schwartz!
Nick Stuart: Ughā¦ I guess I have to give you that one, Rich.
Both competitors roll away from each other and push themselves back to their feet. The veteran Dawkins is one step faster, catching Gold with an elbow strike across the jaw, followed by two more to stagger him up into the ropes.
Nick Stuart: Here goes Sebastian Gold into motionā¦ rebounds off the ropesā¦ and Dawkins is waiting for him with a HURRICANRUSSIA! Shoulders DOWN!
ONE!
TWO!
GOLD ROLLS THROUGH with the REVERSAL!
ONE!
TWO!
THRāAAALMOST the three, but Bryan Dawkins kicked out!
Both competitors scramble back to their feet. Dawkins charges with a lariat, only for the Alias Champ to trap the arm, go back-to-back, and attempt a backslide. Dawkins rolls through onto his feet, attempts to grab Gold, but runs himself into a surprise jawbreaker by Bash! While he staggers, Sebastian works himself back to his feet and hits the ropes to get a head of steam.
Nick Stuart: Gold in motionā¦ but Dawkins STOPS HIM DEAD with a Roaring Elbow!
Richard Parker: More like a Roaring Hellbow!
Nick Stuart: Sending a message to his nemesis, Max Kael?
Richard Parker: Or just going with a damn reliable move!
Nick Stuart: Reliable might be right, as Bryan Dawkins nearly knocked the Golden Boyās lights out with that elbow!
The Alias Champion lies motionless and vulnerable in the center of the ring. Calculating his next move, Dawkins spots the turnbuckle. Grinding his teeth in a mixture of rage and determination, he walks to the corner and begins to climbā¦
Nick Stuart: Bryan Dawkins going high risk here?! Are we seeing the return of the Flyinā Hawaiian tonight?
Richard Parker: Just because heās focused on his grappling game since his return doesnāt mean he hasnāt lost the touch!
Dawkins perches himself on the top rope, and, in a move that INFURIATES the fans, makes a double joint-smoking gestureā¦
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
ā¦and comes DIVING SPECTACULARLY off the top with a Frog Splash.
Nick Stuart: Dawkins is adding INSULT to INJURY, going for the FOUR-TWENTY SPLASHā¦
ā¦BASH GOT THE KNEES UP!!
RRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!
Dawkins writhes violently across the mat like a fish out of water, clutching his ribs and gasping for air. With the crowd cheering him on, Bash makes a crawl for the ropes and fights to get back to his feet.
Nick Stuart: Exhaustion is setting in, but Alias Champion Sebastian Gold is in this one for the long haul!
Richard Parker: Heāll gas out sooner or later!
Nick Stuart: Dawkins back up on his feetā¦ and he walks into a COLTON-STYLE EXPLODER SUPLEX!!
Richard Parker: WHERE did he get the STRENGTH for that?!
The crowd cheers as Dawkins bumps HARD across the canvas and lands flat on his back! At the same time, Gold GROANS in pain and clutches at his shoulder once more.
Nick Stuart: Gold may have agitated the shoulder with that move! But it may not matter, as he crawls the rest of the way to where Dawkins landed and makes the cover!
ONE!
TWO!
THREEāNOO, DAWKINS KICKS OUT!
Gold looks to Turnbull in utter disbelief, only to see two fingers staring back. A split-screen slow-motion replay confirms Dawkins getting the shoulder up a hair before the third count.
Richard Parker: HA! Deal with it, Golden Punk! That right there is the definition of what it means to be clutch!
Rolling Comrade BRUH to the mat once more, Gold straddles the chest and goes to TOWN on the challengerās face! Angry, relentless punches assault Dawkins as the ALIAS Champion steadily gives into his feelings of wrath and loses his ability to restrain himself.
Nick Stuart: Gold is showing some clear frustration right nowā¦ and possibly getting dangerously close to losing his grip on his emotions! But given what this man did to his friend and fellow hero Crash at ReVival 69, Iām not sure thatās even possible!
For his own part, Dawkins weathers the storm, until Gold gifts him one errant fist that he catches within his grip. In a flash, the Grapple Pineapple wraps his arms around the championās neck and adjusts his position so that they are perpendicular. To Bashās woe, he finds himself trapped within a choke.
Nick Stuart: WAIT A MINUTE!! DAWKINS REVERSES INTO THE GARROTA!!
Richard Parker: YES!! By AIR or by GROUND, Bryan Dawkins ALWAYS has your number!
Nick Stuart: But he canāt win this match using his OWN maneuver! This is a clear violation of the Stuntman Rules!
Richard Parker: Who says he needs to win off this? All he needs to do is put him to sleep, and heās free to finish him off with literally any move he chooses!
Gold fights to free himself, but lacks both the strength and leverage to make a go for the ropes. Instead, before Dawkins can trap him in a body scissor, he flips his body over into an arched bridge!
Nick Stuart: Hold on, Gold BRIDGES THROUGHā¦ and Turnbull sees SHOULDERS DOWN!
ONE!!
TWO!!
SHOULDERS UP as Dawkins releases the hold!
The BRUH quickly gets back to his feet, only to end up caught from behind by Gold into a waistlock. Bash plants his feet, shifts his weight, andā
Nick Stuart: DAWKINS WITH THE LOW KICK!! JIMMY TURNBULL DIDNāT SEE IT!
Richard Parker: Neither did I!
Gold clutches at his region and doubles over. The ref moves in to investigate, but before he gets the chance, Dawkins springboards off the near middle turnbuckle into an ASTOUNDING Backflip Cutter.
Nick Stuart: DAWKINS WITH THE ROSE TO ROSE!!
Richard Parker: Looks like the Hawaiian still has a bit of FLYINā left in him!
Nick Stuart: Thatās not an easy move to pull offā¦ and the risks may have paid off for Bryan Dawkins, as he makes the cover and hooks leg! For the ALIAS!
ONE!!
TWO!!
FOOT ON THE ROPE!!
RRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!
Richard Parker: UNBELIEVABLEā¦
Nick Stuart: Sebastian Gold absolute REFUSES to stay down!
Dawkins storms up to his feet and paces the ring, shaking his head with frustration. Considering his next ploy, he moves over to a corner and begins not-so-subtly reaching into his tightsā¦
Nick Stuart: Hang on, whatās Bryan Dawkins doing over there?! I think he might be going for some sort of foreign object in there!
Richard Parker: What are you talking about? Heās readjusting his waistband! Tell me, Nick, are you on the magnesium again? Because I think youāre seeing things!
Nick Stuart: I KNOW Iām not seeing things, because Jimmy Turnbull clearly sees what heās up to!
The official confronts Dawkins, demanding to know what heās going for. The BRUH, quite expectedly, plays naive, having now idea what heās being accused of. In the center of the ring, fighting through a wounded shoulder and a splitting headache, the ALIAS Champion resolutely begins to push his way back.
Seeing him seconds away from making it to his feet, Dawkins comes around the other side of the official while the two continue to argueā¦
Richard Parker: I donāt know what this refās problem is! I mean, I know heās got stabbing syndrome, but itās ridiculous to think a true professional like Bryan Dawkins would do anything THAT violent!
Nick Stuart: Wait, nowā¦ Gold back on his feetā¦ and I donāt think Dawkins notices!
Richard Parker: How CAN he, when Turnbullās getting in his face over nothing?! He patted down both competitors before the bell and found nothing!
Nick Stuart: Dawkins now turning aroundāAND HEREāS BASH WITH CRASHāS WIDE LEFTāGOD NO, HE CAUGHT JIMMY!! TURNBULL IS DOWN!!
The fans react with shock and concern the second Goldās superkick hits the jaw of the official, rather than that of evasive Bryan Dawkins. Turnbull hits the turnbuckles and falls flat on his face, out cold.
Nick Stuart: The ALIAS Champion canāt believe what just happened!
Richard Parker: I hope Turnbull disqualifies him the moment he wakes up!
Nick Stuart: That was a CLEAR accident, Rich! Besides, the title canāt change hands through a disqualification!
Richard Parker: ā¦I mean, YEAH, clearly, that was an accident! But Jimmy kinda had it coming for getting in the way!
Nick Stuart: You mean being PUT in the wayā¦ by Bryan Dawkins! You might be right in that Dawkins had nothing hidden in his tights, Richardā¦ but clearly, that was all an act to distract the referee long enough to lure him into the line of fire!
Richard Parker: Really? WOW, thatāsā¦ actually kinda genius when you lay it out like that.
Nick Stuart: An official going down is not something to be complimented, Rich!
Richard Parker: Oh, come on, itās Jimmy Turnbull! If he can survive stabbings, Iām sure he can take a superkick or two!
Sebastian stands over the unconscious, frozen in horror at the result of his own inadvertent actions. Is this the price one pays when they lose control of their anger? He doesnāt have time to contemplate the issue, as Dawkins turns him around and nearly decapitates him with a Brogue Kick.
Nick Stuart: KATYUSHA KICK!! Sebastian Gold was just LEVELED!
Richard Parker: And no ref to give an earful about not going with the stupid āStuntman Rulesā.
Nick Stuart: But how can Bryan Dawkins finish this match without a referee to call the pin or submission?
Richard Parker: This is more than just BEATING him, Nick! By taking that title from him, Sebastian Gold effectively RUINED Bryanās life and career! And now, the BRUH is gonna ruin HIS, before he takes back his belt!
The crowd jeers loudly as Dawkins stands tall in the ring, looking as cold and methodical as he was when the bell first rang. Gold, knocked into next week, fecklessly tries to crawl for the ring ropes. Faced with little to no resistance, Dawkins takes him by the arm and the leg, and pretzels him around the ropes.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Nick Stuart: Now heās got the FREEMAN SPECIAL LOCKED IN, and heās using those ROPES for LEVERAGE!
Richard Parker: And no referee to save him by making a break! This is a BRILLIANT move by Dawkins!
Nick Stuart: My Godā¦ that SHOULDER of Sebastian Goldās has sustained so much damage over the past several weeks, including in this match! He has to be in UNIMAGINABLE PAIN right now!
Richard Parker: Too bad he canāt put a stop to this right now by tapping out, huh?
Nick Stuart: Even if he could, he wouldnāt give Bryan the satisfaction!
Bash screams and groans while Dawkins savagely twists the arm through the ropes, getting every last bit of leverage he can for maximum pressure on the shoulder joint. Gold kicks his legs and thrashes in an effort to free himself, but gets nothing.
Nick Stuart: This is hard to watch! Dawkins is going to pop that armā¦
At last, Gold goes limp.
Richard Parker: And heās OUT!
Nick Stuart: The pain was just too muchā¦
Smiling at his handiwork, Dawkins releases the champion and leaves him lifelessly half lying upon and half hanging off of the apron. Bryan rises up, wipes his hands, and redirects his smile to the jeering crowd.
When suddenlyā¦
Nick Stuart: GOLD POPS UP AND GARROTES HIM OVER THE TOP ROPE!!
RRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!
Richard Parker: WHAT?! HEāS not supposed to be playing possum! What sort of move is that for a HERO?!
Nick Stuart: STUNTMAN RULES, PARTNER!
Dawkins flops onto his back, clutching his neck. Sensing his moment to finally turn the tide, Gold frantically pulls himself up using his one good arm, and starts scaling the near turnbuckle.
Nick Stuart: Sebastian Gold going UP TOP!
Richard Parker: No! Get him down from there! Do something, Turnbull!
Nick Stuart: Jimmy is still OUT! But now the ALIAS Champ has Dawkins in his sights! Dawkins upā¦ Gold dives off with Crash Jacksonās LFG DDTā
ā¦BLOCKED by Dawkins!
Richard Parker: YES!!
Clutching Goldās tightās by the waistband, Dawkins keeps him from dropping onto his back and taking him down with him. Instead, Comrade Bruh sets the champion on his feet, pivots around him, throws the arm over, and leaves jaws DROPPED with a massive show of strength.
Nick Stuart: RED SCARE!!! DAWKINS PULLED OFF THE RED SCARE!!!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Nick Stuart: GOLDāS HEAD JUST IMPACTED HARD OFF THE TURNBUCKLES!!! HE COULD HAVE KILLED HIM!!!
Richard Parker: Hey, where was all this concern when Gold nearly broke BRUHās neck over the top rope?
Gold crumbles up and falls into a pile of twisted limbs resting against the turnbuckles. Dawkins pops back up to his feet, looking down at him in rage and disgust. Even seeing him broken at his feet, the BRUH still looks dissatisfiedā¦
Nick Stuart: I canāt believe Iām saying this fans, butā¦ Bryan Dawkins has FINISHED the Alias Champion! As soon as the ref is up to make the count, I feel this one is OVER!
With his work complete, he turns back to where he left Turnbull in order to rouse the official andā
CRACK!!
The arena quickly falls silent, in a way where one can almost still hear the reverberations of steel colliding with a human skull echoing in the distant corners of the arena. Dawkins falls flat on his back, eyes rolled back in his head. The chair, now bearing the dent made by his forehead, gets thrown on the mat next to him.
The ringside cameraman zooms in on the culprit just as his grin spreads wide.
Nick Stuart: WHERE THE HELL DID ROB WILLIAMS COME FROM?!
Richard Parker: Who CARES where he came from!? WHAT IS HE DOING?! HE HIT THE WRONG MAN!!
With the deed done, Williams drops down off the apron and casually makes his way to the back.
Richard Parker: What was that about?! Is he PURPOSELY trying to help Sebastian Gold win this match!? Why would ANYONE want THAT?!?
Nick Stuart: If youāre wanting a rationalization to the actions of anyone from the Poor Whoresmen, partner, then youāre asking the wrong guy! Either way, it appears as though Rob Williams just handed Sebastian his third defense on a GOLDEN platter!
Richard Parker: No, a PISS-SOAKED platter! This is HIGHWAY ROBBERY!
Williams disappears through the curtain, leaving behind a ring with three motionless bodies.
Wellā¦ two motionless bodies. As one is showing signs of life.
Nick Stuart: Hold on, fansā¦ I think weāre seeing Sebastian Gold beginning to stir awake in there!
Richard Parker: Oh COME ON! Does he have NECK BONES made of ADAMANTIUM?!
The championās hands fumble for something to hold onto. Anything. They find the turnbuckles. With his vision slowly coming back into focus, Gold looks above him, and understands what he must do.
Nick Stuart: Heās CLIMBING THE ROPES!
Richard Parker: No way! Heās SPENT! This is IMPOSSIBLE!
Using only his one good arm, Gold makes it up the first turnbuckle. The second. Slips and falls back to the matā¦ but begins the climb once more.
Nick Stuart: The ALIAS Champion Sebastian Gold is FIGHTING LIKE HELL to put this one away!
One turnbuckle. Two. Finally, he straddles the third, and makes the painstaking process to try and set his feet in place and stand up to his full height. Miraculously, he rises up, earning a THUNDEROUS pop from the fans.
RRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!
Nick Stuart: Heās IN POSITION for the Shooting Star Press!
Richard Parker: He CANāT! Heās BREAKING HIS OWN RULES if he finishes this with one of his OWN moves!
Nick Stuart: I donāt think itās the GOLD CRUSH heās thinking about, Rich!
Richard Parker: Noā¦ you canāt meanā¦!
As Parker stammers for words, Sebastian comes off the top with a twirling diveā¦
Nick Stuart: CRASH!!
Richard Parker: NO!
Nick Stuart: DOT!!
Richard Parker: Somebody STOPā
Nick Stuart: CAAAAWWWMMM!!!!
Gold executes Jacksonās favored Corkscrew Shooting Star Press with all the precision, finesse, and personal recklessness of a genuine stuntman, landing HARD onto the chest of the already unconscious Dawkins!
The impact shakes the ring with enough force to rattle Jimmy Turnbull awake. He looks up from his place on the mat to see Gold covering Dawkins, and promptly calls over to make the countā¦
Richard Parker: No! How is Turnbull ALIVE even?!
Nick Stuart: Gold, hooking both legs with his ONE good arm, to RETAIN for the THIRD and FINAL TIMEā¦
ONE!!
TWO!!
THREE!!!
DING DING DING
RRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!
Gold rolls off of Dawkins and lies on back, looking up into the lights in disbelief. Heās eventually helped up by Jimmy Turnbull, who is still favoring his jawline.
Vince Howard: Ladies and gentlemen, the WINNER of the MATCHā¦
ā¦and STIIIIIILLLL ALIAS CHAMPION of PRIMEā¦
ā¦SEEEBAAASTIIOOOONN GOOOOOOLLLLLD!!!
Nick Stuart: THATāS IT!! After a long, costly battle, Sebastian Gold has won his THIRD title defense!
Richard Parker: He āwonā nothing here tonight! Donāt deny it, Nick! Dawkins had him dead to rights, until Rob Williams came down with that chair! And Iām STILL not convinced that Turnbull isnāt a cyborg!
The crowd cheers at the sight of the Anglo Luchador running down the aisle and sliding into the ring to help the official get the winner to his feet. Dawkins remains motionless on his back. TAL and the official raise Goldās arms in victory, but Sebastian hasnāt taken his eyes off of Dawkins.
Now he sees the chair left in the ring, and picks it up.
Nick Stuart: Oh my, whatās happening HERE?
Gold limps over to Dawkins, hands gripping tight around the chair legs, anger still present on his face. After all the pain the former Flyinā Hawaiian has inflicted upon himā¦ upon his friendsā¦ is it enough?
Richard Parker: Get that violent maniac away from Bryan! Heās absolutely DEFENSELESS and possibly CONCUSSED!
Gold feels a hand on his shoulder. He looks over and sees TAL shaking his head. Giving Dawkins a final look of disgust, he tosses the chair aside, and leaves the ring.
Nick Stuart: Sebastian Gold has chosen not to sink that low! Iām not sure if Dawkins would have extended the same mercy!
Richard Parker: Because he doesnāt deserve it! Golden Punk owes Rob Williams a BIG, BIG āthank youā right now! Provided the Red Army doesnāt stomp him into DUST first!
Nick Stuart: Regardless, Dawkins certainly proved here tonight why he once carried the ALIAS Championship himself, even if he couldnāt come away with it here tonight! Weāll have to wait and see how this develops, ladies and gentlemen! For now, letās keep this second night of ULTRAVIOLENCE goingā¦
UltraViolence moves on.
From Snow and Bader with Angelica Brooks, back to ringside with Nick Stuart and Richard Parker, center shot, at the announce table.
Nick Stuart: This matchā
Richard Parker: Itās not going to be a match, Nick. Itās going to be a fight. Pure and simple.
Nick Stuart: āthis fightā¦this momentā¦has been brewing since the first ReVival of the year between Jason Snow and Hayes Hanlon. Before Rexton William Bader, before Snowāsā¦silenceā¦Hanlon made clear his intentions.
Richard Parker: Hayes Hanlon isnāt a contact hitter. Heās a slugger. A home run hitter. And in modern parlance, in modern baseball philosophy, getting into the batterās box is all about launch angles. Hayes Hanlon, the NEW Hayes Hanlon, isnāt going to take what the pitcher gives him. No Nickā¦heās going to MAKE the pitcher give him what he wants.
Nick Stuart: An concept made abundantly clear with further escalation. Jason Snow came into the year the PRIME Intense Champion. A triple crown champion. Already a Hall of Famer. Already considered by many to be one of the greatest Universal Champions in all all of PRIME lore. But The Original Villain, now with thisā¦
Richard Parker: Intelligent? Seasoned? Effervescent?
Nick Stuart: ā¦trollā
Richard Parker: Thatās ableism, Nick. Shame on you!
Nick Stuart: I make no apologies for a man who trades on denigration. Who has used his physical handicaps to aid in the flouncing of the rules. His oxygen tankā
Richard Parker: āa necessityā
Nick Stuart: Has become enmeshed with the PRIME Intense Championship. Nothing was settled at Culture Shock, when Hayes wrested it from Snow. But that tankā¦it cost Hanlon against Fred Dick. Itās found purchase on Hayes Hanlon. But on top of thatā¦itās found its way into Nate Colton. And Nate Coltonā¦itās more than that. Calgary. A young intern having her nose broken in the crossfire of Snow and Hanlon. The last ReVival with what happenedā¦the scene with Bader tossed to the ground from the entrance ramp, that violent shot from the oxygen tankā¦
Richard Parker: The New Diamond finds himself inbetween two of The Old Diamondās biggest rivals. And I guess what is old is new again, given how much of a brooding, anger golem oleā Nate has becomeā¦
Nick Stuart: Weāve seen what Colton can become when pushed to his limits. Thisā¦this stands not to be a match. This stands to be a battle.
Richard Parker: A warā¦maybe even to rival Warchamber itselfā¦
Suddenlyā¦
We Came as Romans.
Daggers.
The guitar riffs and the PRIMEView takes us to space, pulling ever closer to the ominous black hole that has heralded The Comeback Kid since his first Universal Title win at Colossus in 2022.
Planets crack, stars break, and the screen shudders and shakes as the songās intro crescendos.
āWHEN MY BACKāS TO THE WALLLLL!!!!!ā
And heavy, white block letters punch us right in the god damn nose.
I!!
WILL!!
CON!!
QUER!!
White flashbulbs explode throughout the stands as the music rattles the Rogers Centre. Stalking out from Argyle and onto the ramp comes The Event Horizon, mustache curled into a violent sneer as he rolls his shoulder. The crowdās disdain has been a mixed back lately, as in general, the Glueminati have found themselves on the other end of more dastardly members of the roster, though Hayes has continued to remain a hammer inside the ridiculousness of the Boys in Glue. Heās all business, eyes trained, and takes his time thudding down the ramp.
āI SEE THE MOUNTAIN AHEAD, I FEEL THE THUNDER ROAR!
I FEEL THE FURY WITHIN, BUT LOUDER THAN BEFORE!ā
Vince Howard: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! WELCOME BACK TO UUUULLTRAVIOLENCE! NIGHT TWO! Our next match is a Triple Threat, and is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, and accompanied by FLAMBERGE-
And that, friends, produces a pop from Toronto. The Neck Collector saunters out from the back, his Tag Team Championship belt looking extra shiny as he struts his way to catch up with Hammerinā Hanlon. The pair give each other a simple finger-waggle, and make moves toward the steps.
Vince Howard: -standing six feet, three inches and weighing in at two-hundred and seventy-one pounds! Your former Intense Champion! Five Star Champion! And Two-Time Universal Champion! The Comeback Kid!
FLAMBERGE peels off at the steps as Hayes climbs and steps through the ropes, playing crowd service to those at the barricade. Hanlon climbs to the second rope, his thumb in the air-
Vince Howard: THE EVENT HORIZON!!!!
-and pulls it slowly across his neck.
Vince Howard: HAAAAAAAYYYESSS!!!!
āDRAWW!! THE!! DAGGER!!!ā
Vince Howard: HAAAANNNNLLLLONNNNN!!!!!
āCUT OUT THE PAIN!!ā
I!!
WILL!!
CON!!
QUER!!
Hayes hops to the floor as the music breaks down and makes his way around the ring, white flashbulbs still bursting, FLAMBERGE still circling the perimeter. āDaggersā fades off, and Hayes leans back against the ropes on the far side, giving the Lizard King a glance before the next entrant.
We hear the voice before we see the manā¦
Rexton William Bader: All right, everybody stand up. You privileged bastards. Gah head. Gah head. Stand. Stand up on your feet because a true, TRUE legend is on his way to the ring. Oh, here it comes. Here come the boos.
Indeed the boos have swollen to a deafening degree, as if the roof of the Rogers Center might blow off.
Nick Stuart: I have really had enough of this guy.
Rexton William Bader shows up at the top of the ramp, in his usual Americana bandanna, his aviator sunglasses, seated in his wheelchair with its dented oxygen tank strapped to the back. And heās still in the neckbrace we saw moments ago, and has an arm in a slingāsuspiciously, he still uses the arm to wheel himself, slowly, down the ramp, stopping to bring the microphone to his lips.
Rexton William Bader: You ungrateful pricks. Fuckinā Canadians. A true Canadian hero is about to walk down this ramp, and listen to you bunch of assholes. Booing the single greatest athlete in the history of your country. Thatās right: FUCK WAYNE GRETZKY!
Oh my God the boos.
Rexton William Bader: FUCK WAYNE GRETZKY RIGHT IN HIS NARROW ASS! You heard me! You people need to learn to show some respect for TRUE greatness. Behold! GREATNESS!
Jason Snow, presumably, steps through the curtain around now. Heās dressed head-to-toe in white, his hood up, track pants. He keeps his head low as he follows, at some distance, behind his wheelchair-bound manager.
Nick Stuart: The feud between Jason Snow and Hayes Hanlon got out of control weeks ago, and it sucked Nate Colton in. Since then itās only gotten more out of control, now here we are.
Richard Parker: I still canāt believe what we saw two weeks ago.
Nick Stuart: Hayes Hanlon tossed a wheelchair bound man off the entrance ramp. It must have been, what? Fifteen feet?
Richard Parker: Baderās extensive athletic background must have saved him.
Rexton William Bader: Aaaaaannnnnnd YOU!
Heās pointing in the ring at Hayes Hanlon, whoās been waiting through this, leaning against the far-side ropes.
Rexton William Bader: Iām not sure if you noticed two weeks ago, but IāM IN A FUCKING WHEELCHAIR HERE! You prick. Do you have any IDEA how extensive my injuries are? My backās all fucked. My neck. My legs, even though I canāt feel them. YOUāRE A GOD DAMN MONSTER! IāM. IN. A. WHEELCHAIR! You canāt fucking touch me like that. And now youāre gonna pay, fuckface. I swear to shit, this man behind me, heās coming down here to finish the job he started at Culture Shock. And you. Are. Fucked!
Hayes Hanlon smirks a little bit and waves Bader forward.
Baderās about halfway down the ramp now.
Rexton William Bader: First weāre gonna get our revenge in the ring, and then Iām gonna get my revenge in court, motherfucker. Iām a disabled man. Iām not well. And you THREW ME OFF A GOD DAMN ENTRANCE RAMP!
Hayes Hanlon gets himself a cheer out of that.
Rexton William Bader: You HURLED me!
Even louder.
Rexton William Bader: Yeah cheer. Gah head. Cheer. Down in the United States of America, a REAL country, we joke all the time about stupid Canadians. And here you go showing it. So cheer this asshole for throwing a crippled man TO HIS DEATH. FUCKING ATTEMPTED MURDER. Meanwhile, your own countryās greatest athlete is on his way to the ring. Ladies and gentlemen, fucktards, here he isā¦
They are ringside now, and Snow, staring at Hayes Hanlon, removes the hoodie and lets the track pants fall, revealing his usual black fighting shorts.
Rexton William Bader: Jason āClient of Rexton William Baderā Snow!
The crowd has turned back to boos somewhere in that rant, and theyāre booing all the louder now. Bader points at Hayes Hanlon with his arm in a sling.
Rexton William Bader: Make some God damn room! And now letās bring the other fuckshit out here.
To the audience now.
Rexton William Bader: I know youāre gonna cheer. Gah head. Cheer able-bodied Nate Colton. Born with all the advantages. While you boo me. In my wheelchair. Pricks. Gah head. Bring him out here. Bring him out to get his beating too.
And thenā¦
The lights go out.
The crowd goes silent.
The PRIMEView pierces through the darkness, presenting a white field with three words:
THE
NEW
DIAMOND
These fade away, replaced by a logo. Itās the letter C in the shape of a diamond, with a smaller N inside. The logo is framed by the name.
NATE
COLTON
A classic rock riff signals the beginning of āTryināā by the Eagles, and the fans give out a raucous cheer.
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
A spotlight pierces through the darkness, framing a perfect circle in the middle of the stage. At the very center of that light standsā¦
ā¦
ā¦nobody.
Richard Parker: Ha! That dork missed his mark!
Nick Stuart: I donāt think he cares, Richard!
The house lights come up, and when they do? The fans are going crazy. Not because The New Diamond is on his way.
Instead, Snow is in the ring, a razor sharp strike from the heel of his hand connecting with the smug face of Hanlon. The blow is enough to draw spit, a thick gob. Fight or flight. Hanlon tries to shoot back to return volley, but the moment he does, The Original Villain blasts him over and over and OVER again with the strikes. This isnāt a little boxing. These are brutal kill shots.
Hanlon has no choice but to retreat to the corner, his massive frame buckling, all as Snow wretches Hayesās tree trunk arms to the ropes, exposing the chest, a smashing his palm right over the center before firing off a blistering ridge hand chop that as The Event Horizon staggering out from one corner to the other.
The moment he arrives in the corner, Snow smashes himself, elbow first, into the side of Hanlonās temple. Another powerful smack to the face. And now, time to expose the chestā¦
ā¦exceptā¦
Hanlon throws his head forward. Bone on bone. Snowās legs give out, but only for a moment. Said moment is enough for Hayes to charge forward, the proverbial bull in these woods, and crush Snow with a shoulder block. No time to admire the work. He rips at Jasonās beard, yanking him up, drawing him for a bear hug before roaring and charging from one corner to the next with a dull thud. A raw, physical UMPH that takes the oxygen out of the stadium.
It doesnāt do the same to Jason Snow. The blow, painful as it is, scintillating and cascading throughout his spine, his fists are clobbering into the beast that is Hayes Hanlon, leaving distinct marks. The Event Horizon, for his part, drives his shoulder into the stomach of The Original Villain, and for a moment, he holds the advantage, until Snow grabs him in a sloppy muay thai clinch and thrusts his knee right into the bridge of Hanlonās nose.
Does Hanlon wilt? No. He shoots up, throwing his massive arm through, blasting Snow with a HEAVY chop that takes Snowās feet out from under him. And he continues to following up, grabbing at Snow, trying to position him so he can grind the heel of his boot into his face, using the top ring ropes as leverage and grip points. Too bad that Snow gets a hold of him, splaying him out in a surprise cradle.
There is no count by Ashley Barlow. Both men are too busy throwing shots at each other, fighting back to their feet.
Nick Stuart: A fight! A battle! These two are throwing shots to put the other in the hospital from the very jump, and this isnāt going to be a long match, thereās no way if they are throwing theseā
Richard Parker: And Bader is locking eyesā¦I THINK eyesā¦on FLAMBERGE, and our Lizard King IS NOT going to let anything happen to his boy! To his Glue Brother!
Nick Stuart: Snow and Hanlon! Hanlon and Snow! UltraViolence! No quarter given! AND HANLON BURIES THAT FOREARM INTO THE FACE OF SNOW! But Snowā¦Snowā¦SNOWā¦heās got that arm, HEāS LEVERAGING HIM OVER FOR AN ARMBARā
Richard Parker: WHAT A TRANSITIONā
Nick Stuart: OH! HANLON STANDING! AS BEST HE CAN! USING HIS FREE HAND TO GRIP HIS WRIST! AND NOW HEāS LIFTING SNOW OH WHAT A SHOW OF STRENGTH OOOOOOOOOOOOOH!
Richard Parker: DRIVING POWERBOMB FROM THE COMEBACK KIDā
Nick Stuart: BUT SNOW! HEāS NOT LETTING GO! HEāS NOT LETTING GO! OH WAIT he does ELBOW TO THE SIDE OF HANLONāS HEAD! OH MY WORD! OH MYā
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Why would the crowd change on a dime? Oh, I donāt know. Maybe because they, like we, finally see Nate Colton. Heās twenty feet down the ramp already, marching toward the ring with laser focus. The spotlight operatorāwho clearly isnāt paid enough for thisādesperately tries to catch up.
Colton ignores the stagehandsā plight as he marches toward the ring. He makes no notice of the lights, the screen, the screaming fans. He barely has enough presence of mind to toss his signature satin jacket at a ring attendant.
Nick Stuart: The New Diamond is here!
Richard Parker: FINALLY!
He doesnāt even look at FLAMBO, though he does flip the bird at him with pinpoint accuracy.
Nick Stuart: Wellā¦mostly business.
Richard Parker: Gotta keep that beef fresh, Nick.
Vince Howard, ever the professional, gives the introduction from the relative safety of the timekeeperās table, especially since the battle has already begun.
Vince Howard: And their opponent! Hailing from Evansville, Indiā
But Nate has no time for pageantry, as weāve already seen. He slides under the bottom ropeā¦
DING DING
ā¦and charges at both Hanlon and Snow, locked in this tug of war over armbar and brutal strikes, absolutely drilling Hanlon with a charging diving forearm. Snow scrambles to his feet, ready to pounce once again on Hayes thanks to tunnel vision. Bad move.
Nick Stuart: EXPLODER SUPLEX ON SNOW! The ringā¦THE RING is shaking!
Richard Parker: I think the Rogers Centre is shaking!
Nick Stuart: And Nate ColtāHAYES rushing for a LARIATāCOLTON DUCKS! Boot to the midsectionā
Richard Parker: OH MY HOYTā
Nick Stuart: EXPLODER TO HANLON! EXPLODER SUPLEX TO HANLON! And HEāS NOT DONE! Nate Colton is FAAAAR from finished as he grabs hold of Hanlon and lifts him up SHOULDER BREAKER! And heās mounting The Event Horizon and those gloves are THUNDERING down into the head of the former two time Universal Championā
Richard Parker: Snow reaching for his own back but heās upā
Nick Stuart: OH MY WORD! Those forearms are VICIOUS! Close and compact! My Lord! I donāt thinkā¦I donāt think weāve seen Nate Colton THIS irate, THIS focused, THIS vengeful, since Spokane, when he physically DESTROYED Ivan Stanislav unlike anything weāve seenā
Richard Parker: SNOWā
Nick Stuart: DROP KICK MISSES because COLTON sensed it! He brushed it aside, and Snow is looking up at Colton and The New Diamondā¦The New Diamond, by the SCRUFF of the beard he yanks him upā¦front chancery and A LIFT! AND HEāS HOLDING HIM! HEāS HOLDING HIM and all that blood is rushing into his head DELAYED VERTICAL SUPLEX! RIGHT INTO THE EVENT HORIZON!
Colton leaps back to his feet, over the crumpled mass of Jason Snow and Hayes Hanlon. Taking center stage, the adrenaline pumping, in the past, he might reach for the ropes, pump his fists to the crowd. Something. Anything. Instead, his eyes shoot daggers as he stands there, over the tangle of bodies, expressionless, remorseless. What does he do?
Elbow drop.
He gets up.
Elbow drop.
Again, getting up.
Elbow drop.
Over and over. Elbow drops. Elbow drops not just in the same place. Heās driving himself, his elbow, into the prone wreckage, hitting heads, shoulders, knees. He doesnāt care. Heās just going to use himself as a battering ram and drive himself into these twoā¦these twoā¦absolute BASTARDS. Because he must. Because he wants to. Because he doesnāt care. Elbow drops, however, arenāt enough.
Now itās knee drops. Onto the mess as though they are crash pads and heās a child, having fun. āYAAAAAY YAAAAAAY mommy and daddy look I am doing the wrestling moves!ā Except this is the semi-main event of UltraViolence, and the pads are actual human people (perhaps debatably, to some), and their muscles and flesh and bones are not as giving and springy as padding.
Kids, donāt try this at home. Unless you are Colton kids. Then, I guess itās just a right of passage?
Is it a right of passage to clean up fluids from Hall of Famers and future Hall of Famers?
Probably. Damn Indiana boys.
The Toronto fans are going nuclear at the display of raw, unbridled viciousness from Nate Colton. Even FLAMBERGE is taken aback by what he is seeingā¦for a moment. Before shouting toward the ring.
FLAMBERGE: TU ES UN SALAUD ET JāESPĆRE QUE TA BITE VA TOMBER!
Colton shoots a death glare at his eternal rival, throwing him the finger, before bouncing off the ropes and driving his knees into BOTH Hanlon and Snowās faces! He then covers.
Which one?
Both of them.
ONE
TWO
NOOOOO!
Hanlonās power is one thing. Combine it with Snow? Well, Colton flying off isnāt quite so shocking, is it?
Suddenly, the entire pack is up and at each other, with Colton attempting to drub Snow and Hanlon with a double clothesline. The Event Horizon and The Original Villain stop him, however, kicking him in the gut, grabbing onto him with a combined front face lock, all before yanking him up and dropping him onto the canvas with a duo vertical suplex.
Effective team work.
It doesnāt last.
Hanlon breaks away first, powering into Snow with a stalling Samoan Drop. The crash into the canvas is enough to send Snow out of the ring, and nearly into the lap of Rexton Bader. Hanlon isnāt giving up the chase, though. FLAMBERGE is egging his brother on. And before we know itā¦
Nick Stuart: CROSS BODY TO THE OUTSIDE! HAYES HANLON LAUNCHED HIMSELF RIGHT INTO JASON SNOW!
Richard Parker: AND BARELY MISSED BADER IN THE PROCESS!
Rexton used his one good arm to get himself away from the carnage, and the near three hundred pound solid meat muscle has made his impact known. Hanlon does a job of flexing and showing off, all before yanking Snow up by the scruff of the beard and launching him into the ring steps. The Original Villain, for his part, senses the danger, thrusting his boot out and stopping his momentum. He tries to spring back, throwing an elbow into the face of Hanlon, but Hayes jerks him up and proceeds to toss him right into the ring apron.
A great bit of a move.
Until Nate Colton introduces himself with a baseball dropkick.
Hayes, taking the shot to his head, staggers back to the barricade. Maybe great minds think alike? Young minds, at least. The New Diamond grabs hold of Hayes and whips him into the steel steps, the former two time Universal Champion not as flexible as the old dog Snow, his knee clipping them and sending him careening ass over teakettle.
Another near miss of Bader.
Would be another near miss of FLAMBERGE, but the Glue Lizard King is late to the party. And he is quick to get into the face of his eternal rival, ready to do something.
Like kiss.
Theyāre about to kiss.
Theyāre so about to kiss.
The tension is there and the mood is just right.
That light trickle of sweat.
Such a steamy little tasty treat weāve found for ourselves.
Donāt you ruin this for us Snow.
GOD DAMMIT JASON, do you NOT understand what you are doing?
GOD DAMMIT JASON! YOU ASSHOLE! YOU PIECE OF SHIT! YOU VILLAIN! How DARE you smash their heads together but not their lips? We could have gone off on that! Do you know how much fanfiction and Deviantart posts you could have fueled? You really are the Standard of Bastards, aināt you?
Clearly, Nate Colton and FLAMBERGE were not about to kiss. Not that thereās anything wrong if they did. Well, maybe there is. Because it would be a weird time. And because they hate each other. And are locked in an eternal BIIIIIIIIIIITCH struggle. Snow grabs hold of Colton, focusing on him, slamming his head into the ring apron, and then uses his fingernails to rake across his back before slamming him in the kidney with an elbow. The New Diamond is prone to the brutal attack, all before being lifted up for an atomic drop that lands, causing him to fall to the ring mats.
Snow then leaves Colton and starts to stalk Hayes Hanlon, who is trying to pick himself up, trying to straighten out his leg. Bader is a torrent of venom as he yells over top of him. The Hall of Famer interjects, stomping the back of his head, then yanking The Event Horizon up and swinging him backward in a russian legsweep into the ring steps. Oh, prone! Up against those ring steps. Snow gets up, backing to the barricade, and takes off. Drop kick? Knee? Something to cave in this young prickās face?
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAJ
How about a flying leaping Thesz press from Nate Colton, having taken off and diving off the top of those steel steps. Colton smashes the back of Snowās head into the ring mats, over and over and over again, dropping those heavy elbows. The moment is enough to get Hanlon to interject himself, grabbing Colton by the hair.
Oh, not just the hair.
Hayes remembers lil Nateyās little auditory weakness. Here, you little Indiana prick, have a whistle and
Nick Stuart: COLTON THREW HIS HEAD RIGHT INTO THE NOSE OF HAYES HANLON! AND NOW FLAMBERGE!
Richard Parker: WAAAAAAAAAIT!
Nick Stuart: COLTON CLUTCH SUPLEX TO FLAMBERGE!
Richard Parker: HE DIDNāT EVEN DO ANYTHING!
Indeed, he didnāt. Law of the lizard jungle? Strike before being struck on? Something like that? Does it make sense? Does it?
Nick Stuart: And Colton in FLASH POINT! HANLON HIT COLTON WITH A FLASH POINT!
Colton splays out, and as Hanlon readies himself, Snow thrusts himself forward, looking to hit Snake Eyes. Hanlon, though, catches the boot with his hands, yanking Snow into himself and smashing him with a lariat, all before rolling him back into the ring.
Snow tries to pick himself up but struggles. Hanlon takes his time, trotting across the ring apron like heās cleared the bases. He then steps into the ring, measuring Jason upā¦
Like a snake, Snowās hand grabs onto his head, leaping into him. Old Man Strength.
ONE!
TWO!
THRāNO!
Nick Stuart: And Snow nearly took it there! Nearly took it there! And NOW he is ready. He has Hanlon ready and rearing to go! Measured up! Weāve seen this so often! Hanlon staggering forward SNAAAAā
Richard Parker: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHā
Nick Stuart: EPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCH! OH MY LORD HE JUST SPIKED SNOWāS HEAD OFF THAT CANVAS LIKE HE WAS A SACK OF LEMONS!
Richard Parker: LIKE HE WAS DUSK!
Nick Stuart: COOOOOOOOOVER!
ONE!
TWO!
THRāāNOOO!
Nick Stuart: SNOW! SNOW! At the VERY last moment! And Hanlon is IRATE! And Hanlon is irate andā¦wait!
Richard Parker: Heās locked eyes with Baderā¦uh ohā¦
A sinister smile filled with bravado. The Event Horizon sees Bader, his mind twisting to exactly what he feels he must do. He slithers from the ring, drawing ever so close to Rexton. Helpless, Bader tries to wheel away as Hanlon stalks him, ready to strike. The Master continues to try and roll away, using his good arm to try and create the space. It is then that The Event Horizon seizes what he sought to do; the oxygen tank. Ripping it free, he snarls at Rexton, practically daring him to do something, ANYTHING about it.
Nick Stuart: That damn oxygen tank! Again!
Richard Parker: And Snowā¦thereās nothing he can do! Heās completely out thanks to that massive Epoch.
Hanlon knows what heās dealing with; a coward. A crippled, worthless, weak little coward. And he just took away the one weapon he had that could do ANYTHING to stop him. He doesnāt think twice as he turns around, sliding the oxygen tank into the ring, following right behind.
Maybe Rexton Bader isnāt a coward. His legs might not work, and he might be even further debilitated from the events of the previous ReVivalā¦maybe it is a spark from years prior. His one good hand, reaching at the armrest of his wheelchair, almost like he is going to get up, as though it would do anythingā¦
Snow is on his hands and knees. Hanlon is not. Oxygen tank in hand. He measures The Original Villain. Time to put the old dog out to pasture.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Nate Colton. Without warning. The grip he locks hold of was shown before, on ReVival 69. The subtle adjustment. The KILLING adjustment.
The oxygen tank falls out of Hayes Hanlonās hands. His eyes bug out.
Heā¦is screwed.
Nick Stuart: HANLON! COLTON HAS HANLON! COLTON HAS HANLON AND THEREāS NO WAY OUT! COLTON CLUTCH! COLTON CLUTCH! COLTONā
KAAAAAAAAAAATHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHUNG
Richard Parker: OH MY HOYT!
Nick Stuart: COLTON! CLUTCH! SUPLEX! ONTO THE OXYGEN TANK! AND COLTON ISNāT LETTING GO! BARLOW HAS TO CALL FOR THEā
Richard Parker: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Nick Stuart: SNOW! SNOW! OFF THE TOP ROPE! OFF THE TOP ROPE! THAT ELBOW DROP! THAT ELBOW DROP! OH MY WORD! OH MY WORD! AND HOW IS HE STANDING AND COLTON IS SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE EYES! SNAAAAAAAAAKE EYES SENDS NATE COLTON OVER THE TOP ROPE AND ONTO THE FLOOR!
Richard Parker: BUT THAT TOOK EVERYTHING SNOW HAD OUT OF HIM!
Nick Stuart: JASON SNOW! Crumpled! Everything he had, just to survive! And Hayes Hanlonā¦good GODā¦Hayes Hanlon is bleeding from the back of his head! Heās trying! Heās trying to get himself up! His eyes are glassed over!
Richard Parker: FLAMBO! FLAMBO! He needs you!
Nick Stuart: But FLAMBERGE is out from that Colton Clutch Suplex earlier. And this isā¦oh this is not good for ANYONE! And Hayes! Oh lord Hayesā¦oh he found the damn oxygen tank AGAIN!
Dented as it is, the oxygen tank still makes for an effective weapon. The Event Horizonās eyes, glazed over, seek out Snow. Spittle, drool, it all falls from the maw of Hanlon. His brains are scrambled. He wonāt remember what is to come. It doesnāt matter. He goes with the flow. With the feeling. He pushes himself up, oxygen tank in hand. Snow tries to get up himself.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
These Toronto fans sure want a clean finish to this battle, donāt they? Thatās why they have to be booing their hearts out. Why debris, pieces of trash, are hitting the ring.
So disgusting.
So absolutely disgusting.
Richard Parker: OH MY GOD! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!
So disgusting that Richard Parker doesnāt even reference the iconic name of Hoyt Williams as his lord and savior.
THHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHWACK!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Nick Stuart: THAT SON OF A BITCH! THAT DISGUSTING SON OF A BITCH!
Richard Parker: Youā¦youā¦
Nick Stuart: IT WAS ALL A RUSE! IT WAS A DAMN RUSE THIS WHOLE TIME!
Richard Parker: That isā¦wowā¦
Nick Stuart: REXTON! WILLIAM! BADER! YOU CON MAN! YOU PIECE OF GARBAGE!
Richard Parker: Thatās genius. Itās alsoā¦utterly despicable.
āThe Masterā Rexton William Bader stands in the center of the ring, wheelchair still in hand, his aviator sunglasses tucked into his pocket. The wheelchair itself is damaged and smeared with blood from where he used it to absolutely crush it into the back of Hayes Hanlonās head. The Comeback Kid? Heās face down. At least, until Bader kicks Hanlon over onto his back.
Jason Snow slowly comes to, dragging himself forward, his eyes still fixated on the canvas underneath him. āThe Masterā locks eyes with Barlow for a moment.
Then, he collapses.
Rexton William Bader: OH MY LEGS! MY POOR LEGS! HANLON YOU MONSTER!
The Toronto faithful pelt him with trash as he tries to act like a helpless turtle trying to get off its shell. Barlow seethes as she watches this display.
At least, until she turns around, seeing Jason Snow hook Hanlonās leg.
There is no choice here.
ONE!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
TWO!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
THREE!
DING DING DING!
There is no music to accompany Jason Snowās victory. Vince Howard appears to be arguing with someone over headset, before finally making the announcement.
Vince Howard: Your winner is Jason Snow.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Years ago, Paxton Ray crippled Jonathan Rhine to the point of losing the ability to walk at UltraViolence. Now? It is revealed to the entire world just how much of a fraud Rexton William Bader is. And the bastard keeps going on and on, all as Barlow raises Snowās hand in victory.
The less said about what is transpiring, the better?
As a result, we go elsewhere.
Quick cut to a shot of Angelica Brooks squared up and smiling at the camera, her UltraViolence-branded microphone held just under her chin. Somewhere backstage, close enough to the ring that we can hear the audience humming.
Angelica Brooks: We are just moments away from the much anticipated showdown between Hayes Hanlon, Jason Snow, and Nate Colton. The feud has escalated week by week, growing more and more violent, finally culminating at ReVival 69, when Hayes Hanlon threw Rexton William Bader, a paraplegic, off a 15-foot entrance ramp onto a concrete floor. And Iām here nowā¦
Sheās trying, and failing, not to sigh.
Angelica Brooks: ā¦with Rexton William Bader.
The shot widens until we see wheelchair-bound Rexton William Bader with his neck in a brace and his arm in a sling. Heās a pathetic sight. The neckbrace seems to be pushing the considerable skin of his face forward. On the bright side, it appears he was able to recover his oxygen tank. It is strapped, once more, to the back of his wheelchair, dented to hell.
Angelica Brooks: Mr. Bader, I have to ask, what is the extent of the injuries you suffered two weeks ago at the hands of Hayes Hanlon?
Rexton William Bader: Angelicaā¦ Angelicaā¦
Angelica Brooks: Yes?
Rexton William Bader: ā¦Firstā¦ I have to sayā¦
He seems to be struggling to breathe.
Rexton William Bader: I have toā¦ sayā¦
Heās wheezing. He seems very weakened by the attack two weeks ago.
Angelica Brooks: Do you need your oxygen tank? Let me see if I canā
Rexton William Bader: DONāT YOU FUCKING TOUCH ME!
Or not.
Rexton William Bader: You keep your Jezebel hands to yourself, Brooks! Donāt think I forgot about the last time we met. The way you ogled me. You undressed me with your eyes. You HARRASSED me. Sexually. And I wonāt stand for it.
Nick Stuart: Well, he wonāt really stand for anythingā¦
Richard Parker: That was incredibly insensitive, Stuart.
Rexton William Bader: Asking me about my injuries, as if you give a ratās ass. You only care about one thing Brooks. I know it. I see it in your eyes! You heard my dick still worksāBECAUSE IT DOESāand you canāt think about nothing else. Fucking pervert. Iāve looked into getting a restraining order against you, you know. Hey. Hey, letās practice that right now. Back up. Back up. Ten feet.
Angelica looks like she is so over this.
Angelica Brooks: Howām I supposed to conduct an interview from ten feet away? You donāt have a microphone.
Rexton William Bader: Give me the microphone. Give it.
Brooks loathes him. You can see it in her face. But then something in her face changes and, after the shot widens again, we see Jason Snow has entered the scene.
Angelica Brooks: Jason Snow, could I have a word with you?
Jason Snow: ā¦
Angelica Brooks: I know youāre not talking lately, butāIs there some reason youāre not talking? Could you make an exception, here in the moments before such a big match? Do you have anything to say to Nate Colton or Hayes Hanlon!
Rexton William Bader: HEY!
Bader swipes the microphone away from Angelica Brooks and points at her.
Rexton William Bader: You donāt talk to him. You talk to me. Me. And hereās what I Ā have to say to Hayes Hanlon and Nate Colton.
Bader turns his wheelchair square to the microphone. Next to him, Angelica Brooks folds her arms and shakes her head.
Rexton William Bader: Hayes Hanlon. Hayes Hanlon, you son of a bitch. You are a cruel, cruel man. You broke my neck, Hanlon. You broke my arm. My back. My whole bodyās broken.
He looks at Angelica Brooks.
Rexton William Bader: I know what youāre thinking, and no, he didnāt break my dickāIT WORKS JUST FINEābut Iāll thank you to keep your mind out of the gutter.
Back to the camera.
Rexton William Bader: You think my life wasnāt hard enough, Hayes? Getting up every morning, getting into my chair. Watching all you able-bodied fuckers flaunting your mobility. As if that wasnāt bad enough, you BROKE me, Hanlon. You threw me THIRTY FEET onto a concrete floor, and it had nails and bolts and shit all over it.
Nick Stuart: Thirty feet might be stretching itā¦
Rexton William Bader: And Nate Coltonā¦ Youā¦ You just stood there and watched.
Nick Stuart: Thatās not what happened.
Rexton William Bader: You stood there and watched that fucker throw a crippled man to WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN HIS DEATH! THIRTY-FIVE FEET! So because of that, we can not be held responsible for what happens to you tonight, Colton. This man right hereā¦
Bader points at Snow, who seems to be in his own world, his head down, his white hood covering most of his face. He may or may not be visualizing the match in front of him. Whatever heās doing, very little of his attention seems to be spared for Bader.
Rexton William Bader: This man. Jason Snow. Back in his home country of Canada, where he will undoubtedly be treated like the hero he is. THIS man is going to break you, Colton, and heās going to break YOU, Hayes, the same way you broke me. Weāre here at the event named for him, and heās going to remind youāboth of youājust why that is. Get ready Hayes. And you, Colton, get ready. For violence. Ultra. Violence.
Bader drops Angelicaās microphone to the floor and rolls away, followed, slowly, by Jason Snow. Angelica Brooks is left shaking her head. And from there we cut to ringside.
We cut back from commercial to ringside.
Nick Stuart: Ascension! Three months time! And it will feature the finals of the third edition of the Almasy Finals!
Richard Parker: And there is still one more person to be determined for that tournament.
Nick Stuart: Youāre right. After our next match, Cecilworth Farthington or Cancer Jiles will find themselves in the Almasy with a first round date with Harley Walker.
Richard Parker: So Jiles vs. Walker in the first round. Got it. Hopefully Walker crashes Jiles into the next universe and we never see him again.
Nick Stuart: Weāll see. Now, as the crew get ready for the main event after that crazy triple threat between Snow, Hanlon, and Colton, letās go to ā wait, sorry folks.
Richard Parker: Acid reflux? Diarhhea?
Nick Stuart: What? No. Shut up. We need to cut backstage, thereās been an incident.
Richard Parker: An incident?!
We go from the shocked Pikachu face of Richard Parker to the backstage area where we medical staff rushing over and personnel tending to someone. The cameraman fights his way through to find The Second Coming laid out, lying on the concrete unconscious.
Nick Stuart: What the hell?! Rose has been laid out backstage.
Richard Parker: Itās lawless back there, Nick. Absolutely lawless!
Nick Stuart: Having lost to Jonathan-Christopher Hall last night, is this retribution from Ivan Stanislav, who did win his match?
Richard Parker: Nooooooooo, Ivan seems soā¦ calm.
Nick Stuart: Right.
We then see Rose has bruises and scrapes on her face and arms as the medical team turn her over, calling out to her, but with no response.
Nick Stuart: Folks, we will get more information on Rose when we have it available. However, we need to get started with our main event.
Richard Parker: What?! A womanās life is in danger!
Nick Stuart: And what are we going to do about that?!
Richard Parker: Come up with conspiracy theories.
Nick sighs as we cutā¦
To the PINNACLE OF ALL SPORTS.
We return to ringside of the Rogers Centre, a wide shot filtering on through, the stadium lights up. The Toronto fans are buzzing in anticipation, knowing what is next. The pomp and pageantry. Standing in the center of the ring is Vince Howard. Beside him is Elvis Nixon, his arms held behind him, his eyes outward to the crowd.
DING DING DING DING DING DING
Vince Howard: The official for the following contest..Elvis. Nixon.
A reserved clapping from the reserved, respectful crowd. After displaying Nixon, with the chyron underneath, the camera again focuses on Howard.
Vince Howard: Ladies and gentlemenā¦the following contest is scheduled for one fall and has NOOOOOOO time limit! It is THE MAIN EVENT OF evening and is FOR! THE PRIME! UNIVERSAL! CHAMPIONSHIIIIIIIIIIPPPPP!!!
Suddenly, the Rogers Centre lights dim, the clapping from the crowd growing. Out of the blackness, the PRIMEview comes alive, the PRIME logo displayed prominently. It fades, the opening tones of āRivalryā by Colin OāMalley beginning to play. With a lashing strike of blue, words fill the screen.
THE PRIME UNIVERSAL CHAMPIONSHIP
THE PINNACLE OF ALL SPORTS
Descending, a lone spotlight shines upon a table of velvet. Stood up for prominence is the PRIME Universal Championship belt, polished and shined. As the music continues, its contours and plates are scanned with care. Every detail is magnificent. The tension of sound rises, and with it, the camera pulls away from the majestic championship. The scene abruptly cuts to black.
And with the rising dramatic percussion, the still shots. Subtle movements slowly focusing upon the figures as they appear for a few moments, their achievement marked in text in convenient spaces.
The inaugural Universal Champion and final Global Champion. The bridge between the eras, cemented at King of Kings 2. He stands an enigma, a seeming average man in build, but what he lacks in impressive physique he makes up for in mystery. One championship belt for each trench coated shoulder. His eyes are focused and evident through the white mask absconding his identity.
1st Champion
BLACK ANGEL
A titan of muscle, massive in stature not just physically, but for his time in the sport. A once hero, now, he is a betrayer, joining the Dark Age. There is no sense of shame with his smirking expression.
2nd Champion
BODA
A whirlwind of color, a form of taut muscle and artistic expression. She stands stoic, the championship belt over her shoulder. Does she care? Only she knows. Her moment has arrived, seemingly unstoppable, one of the greatest beginnings to a PRIME career of anyone. The Vanguard of the Golden Age. A trendsetter.
3rd Champion
KARINA WOLFENDEN
Behind crimson glasses protecting his eyes, a seminal figure. Chiseled from granite, his tattoos prominent, if ever a man stood as The Supreme Machine, it is he. The ender of the K-Wolfās era before it even started. Later, the hand chosen by Tyler Nelson to put an end to a Universal charade. When one speaks of PRIME, his name is one of the first to come.
4th, 8th Champion
KILLEAN SIRRAJIN
The winds behind him sweep about, blowing his majestic hair with perfect photogenic bravado. The only true Son of God. His appearance has not changed, even today, proving his parentage. The Last Judgment features prominently on his tights. Chicagoās favored son, the roar his mere visage elicits is one of the loudest of the night. Under his hand, you shall be crucified and saved.
5th Champion
HOYT WILLIAMS
Before him were titans in stature, but in their place comes one in sheer brutality. His fists and forearms are taped for battle, his muscle built for performance and savagery. Inhuman. A wrecking ball in human form. From nowhere, he arrives at this pinnacle, only to be knocked from it in the greatest upset in the history of PRIME. He will regain it from one of his greatest rivals, The Supreme Machine on the biggest stage. Years later, he returns from the sidelines, managing to defy expectations to put a temporary halt to The Murder Show. Rushmore features him prominently. He stands as one of the truest of greats.
6th, 9th, 21st Champion
TCHU/MATT WARD
A goofy wire of man. The most unassuming of all. So long of a shot, his chance comes in the middle of Revolution, a clear expectation of how easy he shall be steamrolled. A Christmas Miracle. Perpetually silly, the joke is not only the Inhuman Being, but also, all those who thought so little of him.
7th Champion
CLYDE WALKINS
Born from the stars, beloved by all, charismatic, amongst the most skilled the sport has ever seen. He has returned from injury to claim his rightful place, but failure is all that meets him. In this moment, the drums of war sound, the very foundation of PRIME under threat from Machavallian forces. The star rises and turns his back on the fans and people who believed in him, joining the ranks of the devils who claim him to be their friend. Clean shaven, burned by the light. He fights off a record number of challengers. He is where the balance of PRIME rests.
10th Champion
NOVA
The balance of power shifts. Her face, her essence, are intrinsically linked with PRIME, but in this moment, she is an assumed outsider. This moment changes not only her place in the company, but in her life. Home. The ultimate trendsetter. The Queen of the Ring becomes The Final Boss twice over. Her spot amongst the very greats is without question. In this building, she was the one to close out the prior era. Without her, where we stand today isnāt possible.
11th, 13th Champion
LINDSAY TROY
The rival to the Queen. Scum looks down upon him. A betrayer of friendship, of allegiance, all for self service. So many times, he fell, unable to answer the challenge, and in doing so, all rejoiced. Driven mad, Ahab manages to rise in his final stand, capturing his illustrious white whale.
12th Champion
SONNY SILVER
Mismatched eyes, lacerating fingernails, and diminutive stature. In one night, she nearly conquers the Halo. In her next match, she manages to usurp the Queen. Scary and unknowable, a chameleon who can assume the identity of any she chooses. She lacks her own agency and identity, yet here, for a time, she can claim the Universal Championship as her own.
14th Champion
COZEN
The Man in Black hides his pieces and scars under a dress shirt and slacks. A mess of black hair falls along the sides of his face. Many claim him to be emo, but they will come to know him as the ruiner, death incarnate. His war against PRIME will eventually lead to its closure. Even here, with a painted black middle finger, his detestment of PRIME is evident.
15th Champion
DEVIN SHAKUR
Charisma personified. In truth, his arrival to this pinnacle has been foreseen for ages. His potential is limitless, yet in critical moments, he falters. Until here. Until now. Until he realizes the promise after years of toil made to look like a designer accessory. His presence is legendary. A hero to so many. Brash and arrogant to others. Regardless, he is canāt miss, must see, and unforgettable. His reign, to this point, lasts longer than all others before.
16th Champion
CHANDLER TSONDA
The Unbeatable. The Unconquerable. Awoken from dream, The Original Villain stops fighting with mere bits of his true skill and strength. The path he cuts lasts over a year, and in its wake, promising careers, legendary challenges, and destinies all fall under his heel. Gone, but never forgotten. Though some draw close, he walks away into the annals of history never having lost the most prestigious prize in the sport.
17th Champion
JASON SNOW
From the distance, from the ether, his face painted with black, the oddest of sorts, his skin pale, he returns. The Intense Championship is marked as his in all of lore, but after conquering the Halo, he soon after fulfills an impossible destiny, capping off a Hall of Fame career with the final piece it lacked.
18th Champion
VANGELUS OLSIG
Hollywood beckons. A silver screen savant, he brings with him pomp, circumstance, and a directorās vision. An outsider who rises.
19th Champion
CASTOR V. STRIFE
The monster incarnate. The Murder Show. Burly, powerful, a viking from a long forgotten age who has spent an age in PRIME without realizing the fullness of his potential. It is remembering what it is to be dominant that he ascends to his throne, leaving behind a wake of broken bodies and dreams. For a time, the lineage ends with brutality under his knuckles. The oppressive, uncompromising final champion of the Revolution.
20th, 22nd Champion
HESSIAN
The spear of the ReVival comes from the Revolution. Before this moment, he is considered the greatest to never win āthe big oneā. After over a decade away, the Tower of Babel rises, removing all doubt, finally taking his place amongst the true greats, perhaps marking himself as greater than all. For others in this era, this prize is transient. For him? They are one.
23rd, 29th Champion
BRANDON YOUNGBLOOD
A lifeās work. Destroy the past and present and burn it all away so the future can rise. The Humble Proprietor has spent his life as an afterthought, cast aside, treated less than human despite his love of the sport he has dedicated his life to. Their cackles and machinations forge an intensity fitting for a monster. The threat. The killer. Robbed of the result of it all. Even in the distance, his name brings chills to the air.
24th Champion
PHIL ATKEN
Lights, camera, pucker and kiss. The Anti-Christ. Under t-shades and salt shoes, he brings with him an apocalypse in tracksuit and baby blue. Despised and thought little of, the ultimate cockroach doesnāt just survive but thrive. His threats carry weight because he makes good on his promise. Nobody on this list has a hope of ever being this COOL.
25th Champion
CANCER JILES
The Event Horizon, the future, all of the ReVivalās promise and dreams comes in his chiseled form. His reverence to PRIMEās past is known, but he makes his own history, taking the Universal Championship for his own and under the most dire of circumstances. He stumbles, but in Hell, he overcomes not only the yang to his ying, but the oppressive boot of the Soviet state.
26th, 28th Champion
HAYES HANLON
Punk rock in all forms, a fighter through and through. He doesnāt care about the championship, just what it brings to him in the ring. The greater fights. The ability to test his penchant for destruction. He snuffed out the promise of the horizon in his void. A goat kick to the head. A free spirit for rebellion against the norms.
27th Champion
REZINĀ
Some would call him a relic of a begotten age, a frozen monstrosity thawed and set upon the world to maul and reign under a banner, an ethos that demands both domination and subjugation. An ageless goliath, The Russian Bear returns to the field of professional wrestling battle after over a decade in seclusion. And in his wake? Utter carnage. A warrior from the old age set upon the present and future, not only striding, but surmounting all.
30th, 35th Champion
IVAN STANISLAV
Few can claim to be worthy of being phenoms in the new era of PRIME, yet the pillars of such are rarefied. But for the French Super Athlete, The Neck Collector, the Lizard King, he stands not only above, but perhaps beyond all. His arrival to this place is the culmination of an undefeated year. A winning streak unmatched by ALL before him. He is the weapon promised, the embodiment of The Humble Proprietorās vision. A puzzle perhaps unsolvable.
31st Champion
FLAMBERGE
From oblivion he rises, as if from a waking coma. Drenched with guilt, self made, self perpetuated. Look upon the clown who makes those laugh, yet do not notice his weight, his tears. Ascend from the murk and stand ready, violently so, in the face of so many oppressors. Black Sheep never again.
32nd Champion
JARED SYKES
The ultimate simp. Seemingly helpless. But powered by his love and his dedication to his Amazing Life Partner, he perseveres, and does what most think is nigh impossible for someone of his ability level. He finishes the story, and now, we live in an epilogue dictated from his success.
33rd Champion
JONATHAN-CHRISTOPHER HALL
The Crownless King. A wrestling nomad. Across near every continent, he has fought with his all, governed by an unyielding love of the sport of professional wrestling. His role was ordained to be The Never Was, the fountain of knowledge, the bridge to the future. Not marketable. Taken for granted. Yet bitterness never seeps in, never taints his drive and passion. In this, the final year of his quest, he does what some think he could not doā¦something many others believed he always had capacity to achieve. The crown achieved. Now, The King of Conquerors.
34th Champion
CORAL AVALON
When the Golden Era choked into embers, as the darkness swallowed the world of professional wrestling in the deepest of pits, it was this man who kept the torch, who set the standard to aspire toward. A Lord by birth who refused his right by choice, so aloof of realityās rigor. It is the ring where his aptitude is without rival. His hands are vice grips and his understanding of placing pressure on joints, tendons, and bones is supreme.
In the muck, he strode, unbeaten. Unconquered. The Financier of a Revolution in The ReVival. One would think, with aĀ silver spoon, the path would be smooth, but it was anything but. His record is filled with victory over legends; itās also filled with his stumbles at the gate, all those times the bridesmaid.
Yet here he stands, rightfully, an Emperor of the ring.
36th Champion
CECILWORTH FARTHINGTON
And now, UltraViolence.
Cancer Jiles is synonymous with the event. Every UltraViolence in the ReVival, he has been in the main event. This time is no different. The Manhunter. The number one contender. The undisputed leader of the Bandits. Not only that, but tonight, he has the chance to once again stand atop of PRIME, lording over it as its ultimate Champion.
All that stands in his way is a man who wishes to crush him, to remain at the pinnacle, arguably the single best submission wrestler of all times.
This isnāt the first time their paths have crossed. Ironic, how linked they have been. From the very start. A murder rumble. And later, one on one, a summer ago.
All jokes and memes aside, the world has been waiting.
Finallyā¦we are here.
ha
After the Pinnacle comes, as always, the main event.
Nick Stuart: This is it. Manhunt has led to this. Tonight, Cecilworth Farthington and Cancer Jiles will settle a score over the PRIME Universal Championship. Itās been a long, hard road to get here, and we all barely survived some stretches of that road.
Richard Parker: Still think we shouldāve gotten a bunker in Tokyo.
Once againā¦
The lights dim.
A cool breeze whisks its way throughout the air.
The Crumbotron jolts to life.
However, instead of 2Pac itās the familiar squawk of the gull followed by the steady beat of the war drum, and instead of the P.O.A.C., itās a shot of a long hallway. Down at the end of the long hallway is a door, which presumably leads to the eGG Den.
There, Cancer Jiles and his band of Bandits are waiting to hatch.
Nick Stuart: MAIN EVENT TIME, DICK! UNIVERSAL TITLE IS ON THE LINE! And, as you and the rest of the PRIMEates heard last night, tonightās championship contest will be contested under LUMBERGLUE/BANDITJACK rules! Meaning, well, chaos.
Richard Parker: Thatās an understatement, Nick.
Nick Stuart: The challenger enters tonight with a 2-1 record at UltraViolence. Heās won the Universal Championship here. Heās won a lumberjack match here. He also lost to Coral Avalon in the MAIN EVENT for the Universal Championship here. That said, in all seriousness, what does The Manhunter have to do in order to claim victory and reclaim the Universal Championship?
Richard Parker: Whatever it is, my hope is that it involves him dying.
Nick Stuart: Spoken like a guy who has been kicked in the face a couple of times.
Back up on the crumbo thereās some action down the hallway. The door swings open, and a bevy of Bandits comes spilling out. Dean. Dean. Doozer. Fuse. Gamble. Hessian. Vickie. All dressed in funeral-blacks. All ready to go to hell and back.
All awaiting the challenger.
Well, wait no more.
The Hunter emerges from the carton dressed in full battle garb and headdress. His T-shades look like theyāre right off the assembly line. His hair looks like it just got done being styled by Vidal Sasoon.
Nick Stuart: Challenger looks ready, but no real surprises there.
Jiles doesnāt break stride as he walks past the Bandits. He doesnāt stop to dap anyone up, or spit in someoneās mouth, or berate Doozer. No, this is a business trip, and itās time to close the deal.
As such, everyone knows the score.
Win at all costs.
For Coral
For the Bandits.
Jiles is out front in the vanguard position with fellow PRIME Hall of Famers Hessian and Tony Gamble, who competed earlier tonight, following closely behind him. Behind the HOF trio is Jilesā girlfriend the voracious Valkyrie, Vickie Hall, whoās filing her finger dagger while walking next to Belle Dean. Behind them, bringing up the rear are Doozer, Conor Fuse, and lastly, Bobby Dean.
Hit the slow motion legacy shot.
The eGG Bandits.
Richard Parker: Motley, meet crue.
The rotten bunch traverse the backstage area and head towards the ring like a gang of misfits and derelicts looking for trouble.
Oh, wait.
Thatās right.
More trouble than usual.
Better.
Nick Stuart: Jiles, on the backs of the Bandits, won Manhunt and his prize was this match. This opportunity. This chance. Can he finally get back to where he thinks he belongs? Can he sit above the pinnacle, with the Universe at his feet and the carton standing tall behind him?
Richard Parker: If you say COOLOSSUS Iāll vomit.
The Crumbotron turns off.
āWolf Totemā comes to an abrupt end.
The Rogers Centre goes dark.
Seconds, that seem like days, start to pass.
Finally, an intense, almost magical, omega heat creating series of near blinding pyros light up the Rogers Centre so brightly youād think a rocketship was taking off from inside the arena.
BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM!!!
The Crumbotron comes back to life with the best superkick montage in the business playing on it. You name them: Cecilworth, Stanislav, Colton, Hanlon, Snow, Youngblood, Lindsay Troy, Coral Avalon, āDirtyā Dick Parker, who-the-fuck-ever, and theyāre in it.
Then, the all too familiar, wonderful, lovely, adored, opening guitar riff from āI Am the Coolā rips through space and time. Soon thereafter, Screaminā Jay Hawkins takes over.
āIām the one your mama warned you aboutā
āWhen you see me I will leave you no doubtā
āIām the coolest man that ever walked this earthā
āIāve been the coolest since the day of my birthā¦ā
Another violent, July 4th finale-esque volley of pyros erupts and almost takes the roof off the building.
BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM!!!
āā¦I Am the COOLā
The smoke clears from the hellfire volley, and when it does the Bandits of the eGG are all standing at the top of the ramp. After hitting a Ginyu for the PRIMEates in attendance, they stalk their way down to the ring.
Nick Stuart: Jiles is so focused and dialed in that he didnāt even stop to berate that Messiah fan sitting in the front row! Cecilworth could be in some trouble.
Richard Parker: Any idea where the brown bag I use to breathe went? I could have sworn I left it on the table and can feel myself getting ready to hyperventilate.
The Bandits reach ringside, and to further prove how focused and dialed in King COOL is; he doesnāt even bother reintroducing himself to Richard Parker, let alone even look his way. Instead, the Manhunter maintains his COOLYMPIAN reserve. He carefully removes his ceremonial headdress and hands it to his Valkyrie. Next up are the T-shades. The mirror-tint also gets carefully removed, but instead of entrusting them to his Valkyrie, Jiles tosses them towards an unsuspecting fan sitting at ringside. Just as the lucky fan is about to make an easy ten grand, Hessian snags the sunglasses out of the air like heās catching a fly with a pair of chopsticks.
Nick Stuart: That poor fan is shaking! Heās even wearing a Hessian t-shirt from back in the day!
Lastly, before Jiles heads up the steps and enters the ring, Bobby Dean gets a kiss on his forehead.
For good luck.
Nick Stuart: Alright, thatās one half of MAIN EVENT down! I still think we got the last two minutes of an NBA Finals game left before we see any action though.
The lights of the Rogers Centre (itās Centre because itās a Commonwealth country, okay!) dim as the noise of beautiful warped static begins to make the entire crowd feel a bit uncomfortable. Itās the kind of static and warped noise you get from trying to tune an FM Radio (remember them? Weāre all so old).
As the tuning takes place, we hear snippets of many wonderful different tunes.
static
OVERDRIVE THE MIRRRRR
static
THE UNEXPECTED HITS YOU IN THE EYE
static
THAT GOOD OLD FASHIONED RAZZAMATAZZ
static
LIFE IS FULL, FULL OF SURPRISE
The imaginary radio dial that has never been created in everyoneās brain mind finally settles down, and finds the home it was looking for all along, as the opening rift that at this point is rather well known to the PRIME crowd leads us to where we were going all alongā¦
STOP
DROP
AND DRAG ME INTO PLACE
As āChokeā by I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME begins to play, the lights of the Rogers Centre come back up and we find that the Universal Champion is basking in a white spotlight atop the entrance way, a lighting the really helps to show the sheen from the buff and polish heād given the championship ahead of the contest.
Cecilworth takes a few moments to breathe in the atmosphere, clearly letting the concept of walking into the Night 2 Main Event as Universal Champion wash over him.
Nick Stuart: And here is the champion, a man who claims that tonight he will become the cockroach killer.
Richard Parker: And I hope he wasnāt speaking metaphorically. I donāt care how he does it, he can murder his limbs, or he can just poison him with spray, just make it stop. Make it all stop. This is finally going to be the end Nick, I can feel it!
Nick Stuart: I wouldnāt get too ahead of yourself, I mean, the sheer amount of humanity at ringside may be the barrier to stopping a literal murder happening tonight.
Richard Parker ponders this for a moment.
Richard Parker: If this reaches Round 3 somehow, I would like to request a Literal Death Match.
The camera cuts to a sign in the crowd that states āWE WANTED AERIAL KICKBOXINGā, the fan has a frown on his face and is giving a massive thumbs down to the entrance of the champion. The fan is quickly black bagged and guided awayā¦ we donāt think by security, perhaps forces beyond our control.
Farthington takes his time, moving slowly to the ring, knowing that no doubt heās about to enter a shitshow thatās of his own making, and very much beyond his control, yet, it was clearly the only choice to make.
Nick Stuart: I admit, this was not the stipulation I expected the Universal Champion to suggest. I definitely thought it would be more something designed to make Cancer Jiles leak all over Toronto, and perhaps the wider Ontario region.
Richard Parker: You gotta fight Banditry with Glueyness Nick, thatās just basic science.
As the Toronto fans join in on the āYEAH YEAHās of Choke, Cecilworth begins his journey into the chaos that stands before him, looking perhaps a bit more stoic than usual. This may have been due to the attempted murder he endured on ReVival 69. He looks down at the Universal Championship sitting neatly around his waist, looks towards Jiles in the ring and the concentrated face breaks into a full on sneer.
Nick Stuart: Now thatās a face that says āI donāt want you anywhere near this belt and I will do anything to make that happen.ā
Richard Parker: I told you that the body language course would pay off.
As Cecilworth walks up the steps, the camera cuts to some of his Glue Friends (who stick together) joining in on the ā*YEAH YEAHā*s of the song. Itās a regular YEAH YEAH Festival at Ultraviolence.
Richard Parker: Oh this is going to be a shitshowā¦
Speaking of a shitshow, we havenāt exactly introduced the Glueberjacks yet. Some of them are arriving amidst the throngs of people singing āYEAH YEAHā on the back of a league approved jolf cart. Thatās Joe Fontaine and FLAMBERGE in the front, with a fabby lying curled in the back because itās the only way he was going to fit. Hank and Dirk Dickwood walk out behind them, with Dirk shaking his head at the ājolf cartā.
Quite noticeably, though, there is another man walking in behind them.
RAHHHHHHH!!!
Itās maybe the most positive reaction Phil Atken will ever get, and Phil himself isnāt quite sure how to take that. After all, itās been a long time since Phil walked to the ring. Inside said ring, Cancer Jiles fumes like a man who wants to keep Phil from walking again.
But itās the man who steps out behind Phil Atken that has everyone talking. Fresh off of losing his precious 5-Star Championship, and with more than a few scores to settle with the eGG Banditsā¦
ā¦Steve Harrison makes his way from the curtain and towards the ring.
Nick Stuart: Steve Harrisonā¦ is joining the Glueberjacks!?
Richard Parker: Apparently?
Indeed, Harrison moves to stand with said Glueberjacks on Cecilworthās side of the ring. He exchanges a nod with the Financier.
As everyone settles in, we go now to Vince Howard for the announcements.
Vince Howard: Ladies and gentlemenā¦ the following contestā¦ IS YOUR MAIN EVENT OF ULTRAVIOLENCE! And it is a BANDITJACK MATCH for the PRIME! UNIVERSAL! CHAMPIONSHIIIIIIIIIPPPPP!!!
RAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Vince Howard: Introducing firstā¦ the challenger.
Youāve never heard a crowd go fromĀ RAH!Ā toĀ BOO! faster than right now.
Vince Howard: Fighting out of beautiful Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. He weighs in tonight at two hundred and eighteen poundsā¦
Itās at this point that Vince Howard has to pull out a list from the inside of his jacket, which he does with lamentable regret.
Vince Howard: HE IS! THE HARDEST WORKING MAN IN PRIME! KING COOL! THE MAAAAAIN EVENT! MISTER! NIGHT! TWO! THE LITERAL GREEK GOD OF COOL! THEY CALL HIM THE MANHUNTER BECAUSE HE WON THE FIRST-EVER MANHUNT MATCH IN PRIME! YOUR NEXT PRIME UNIVERSAL CHAMPION! HE! IS! CAAAAAANCERRRRR!!! JIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLEEEEEESSSSS!!!
BOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Vince Howard: His opponentā¦ from Buckinghamshire in England, the United Kingdom! He weighs in tonight at one hundred and ninety-seven pounds! HE IS! THE FINANCIER OF THE GLUEMINATI! HE IS! THE CONGA CRUSHER! HE IS! THE PRIME! UNIVERSAL! CHAMPION! HE! IS! CECILWOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRTTTTTHHHHHHH!!! FARTHINGTOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNN!!!!!
Itās here that cameras catch sight of a man sitting in the front row, just off to the right side.
Nick Stuart: Wait, is thatā¦
That man has plenty of ties to both of the men competing for the Universal championship tonight, as a stablemate of Jiles and a rival of Farthingtons. Heās one of the men most synonymous with the belt wrapped around Cecilworthās waist. The King of Conquerors.
Coral Avalon is here to watch. And heās clapping, though weāre not entirely sure who heās clapping for.
In the ring, Elvis Nixon disperses the two groups at ringside to take their positions. Only the champion and challenger remain. Cecilworth, with some reluctance, removes the Universal championship from around his waist and places it into Nixonās hands. Once Jiles is shown what heās fighting for tonight, Nixon holds it high above his head.
And once he leaves it for the timekeeper to hang on to, he calls for the bell.
DING DING
Cecilworth Farthington and Cancer Jiles stand across from each other, with the crowd going nuts in the background. A year after their last one-on-one encounter in Portugal, theyāre back here again. Universal championship on the line. Weāve been through the Pinnacle, and now weāre at the mountaintop. Itās go time.
The situation around ringside is volatile already. You had fourteen entities surrounding the ringside area, and the two sides that form that situation donāt exactly like each other. Pretty sure Phil Atken doesnāt like anyone, actually, heās probably been dying to put his hands on someone and cause them to do a big slumber.
For a long moment, neither Farthington nor Jiles move. Theyāre taking in the noise, its pressure. Cecilworth had overcome much to be Universal champion. Jiles had overcome much to get his shot by winning (more like surviving) the Manhunt.
They circle one another, and thenā¦ Itās a collar-and-elbow tieup.
On the outside of the ring, FLAMBERGE rips his (brand spankinā new) sunglasses from his face and stares wild-eyed at his notes. He grabs Joe Fontaine by his tie and asks him, point blank, āSINCE WHEN IN THE HELL COULD HE DO THAT!?ā
Joe, for his part, has no idea but he promptly blames fabby. FLAMBERGE immediately throws his notes at fabby and looks like heās on the cusp of a full-blown panic attack.
Weāre in uncharted territory, folks. Welcome to PRIME.
Nick Stuart: Collar-and-elbow tieupā¦ both men are jockeying for position here.
The two men seem evenly matched at first, but Jiles has a slight edge in the strength department and he soon backs Cecilworth up into the corner. However, Cecilworth uses his leverage and skill to quickly turn Jiles around so that his back is in the corner. Not to be outdone, Jiles performs the same reversal and puts Cecilworth in the corner. Then Cecilworth does the same thing, and then goes along with Jilesā attempt to perform the reversal right back to him, causing Jiles to put himself back in the corner.
This goes on for a little bit. They manage to wrestle each other out of the corner and back into the center of the ring. Farthington lifts his legs on occasion, as though trying to turn this into one of his 38,571 various submission holds that all equal certain doom for the challenger. However, he is wary enough of the trickery that Jiles has at his disposal that he doesnāt go for one right away. After all, heās wondering why the hell Cancer Jiles even entertained the notion of this lockup in the first place.
Eventually, Cecilworth manages to get Jiles in the corner and make him stay there. And it doesnāt look like heās entirely willing to let him out or let him breathe or anything like that.
Itās time like these that we should appreciate Elvis Nixon, PRIMEās senior referee. What a good lad he is, getting in-between Jiles and Cecilworth to get them to break the hold and go back to neuā
Richard Parker: That CRUMB.
Thatās in response to Cancer Jiles throwing a little punch, just a smidge of a punch, right into Cecilworthās orbital bone. Farthington staggers backwards, stunned from the blow as he is jeered by both the crowd and the Glueboiz at ringside. Jiles smirks the kind of smirk that takes little pleasure in what heās doing. The pleasure comes later. He moves forward andā¦
ā¦Well, Cancer Jiles thought a single punch would be enough to deter the Financier. He forgot the way that Cecilworth Farthington, a man who somehow thrived in a āshitty deathmatch fedā despite not being a shitty deathmatch wrestler, won his opportunity to challenge for the Universal title: By surviving a brawl with Maximilian Kael. Not an easy feat. So when Jiles moved to take his advantage, already getting ready for all of the salt and scorn that will come from that advantage, Cecilworth grabs him by the head and throws him over the top rope.
Nick Stuart: Already out to the apron is Cancer Jiles, and heās in no manās land!
Thatās because thereās a whole crowd of Glueboiz (and fabby) that is waiting for Jiles to fall off of the apron and into their open arms. Joe Fontaine has his hands on a 4-iron, which is a literal steel chair flail. Dirk Dickwood is menacingly slapping a billy club into the palm of his hand. Phil Atken exists.
Needless to say, this is not where Jiles wants to be, and the eGG Bandits are already angry about this situation. Hessian is marching over to that side of the ring and Tony Gamble and Doozer are using the stealth tactics of being very short and being invisible, respectfully, to make their way to the scene in the opposite direction.
It looks like a fight might break out between Banditjacks nad Gluberjacks.
Then Cecilworth grabs Jiles and European uppercuts him to hell.
OOOHHHH!!
Richard Parker: YEAH!
Out by the commentary table, Richard Parker is pumping his fists up in the air.
Jilesā feet leave the ring apron, and he lands hard on top of it. He does not, however, fall into the waiting arms of the Glueberjacks who are rather eager to beat the unholy Jesus fuck out of the crumb. Instead, Jiles has the savvy to roll himself under the bottom rope to escape the danger. Seeing that Jiles is no longer in danger, Hessian and the other Bandits wisely back off from their interference before a fight can break out.
I mean, weāre not even two minutes into this match, letās save that for later.
Nick Stuart: Jiles is back in, and I donāt think he wants to be in there right now.
You canāt blame Nick for that comment. Cecilworth Farthington is like a wizard when it comes to professional wrestling. He possesses many of the key reagents. He has performed more than enough sacraments. He knows every magical spell needed to make just about anyone scream to give up. Heās the Merlin of the Mat, and even King Arthur himself has shit his armored pants to death within his grasp.
So when he grabs Jiles by the arm with every intention of ripping it out at the shoulder and parading around the ring with it like itās some trophy, you can maybe understand why Jiles goes into full survival mode. He scrambles away almost the instant Cecilworth grabs hold of his arm for the infamous cross armbreaker.
The Crumb knows, after all.
He knows that the moment Cecilworth gets that hold on him, heās dead to rights. He wonāt have an arm any more. And while he doesnāt necessarily need the arm to kick Cecilworthās teeth in to win what he feels is rightfully is, heād like to keep it. For reasons.
So Jiles scrambles to the ropes, and then pulls himself out of the ring and into the safe and comfortable Bandit side of the ring.
Richard Parker: Coward.
Nick Stuart: Iām not sure Cancer Jiles fleeing from having his arm ripped off by Cecilworth is total cowardiceā¦
Richard Parker: Yeah, but Iām pro-Cecilworth-ripping-his-arms-off, so him not cooperating with that is definitely cowardice.
Cecilworth stands in the ring alone, patiently waiting for the challenger to stop fucking around and get back into HIS ring. He gets to the point where he goes to his corner, whereupon Joe Fontaine hands him something that is definitely not meant for wrestling. Phil Atken glares with the fiery disapproval of an aged mentor as Cecilworth Farthington proceeds to plank in the corner to check his social media.
Nick Stuart: ā¦Cecilworth appears to be taking a break here.
Richard Parker: No! C-Money, baby, keep your eyes on the prize! The prize of Cancer Jilesā arm! Arms! Actually, I want that man to end up as a torso! Just a walking, talking torso!
Cecilworth laughs to himself over something he sees on social media. Jiles, outside of the ring, fumes enough over this that he slides into the ring and prepares to punish Farthington for this slight.
But by the time he gets there, Farthington has shifted his weight. Jiles finds himself on the wrong end of a triangle choke, which Farthington helpfully makes worse by leaning upside down out of the ring.
The Glueboiz shout words of encouragement to Cecilworthās face while Cecilworth makes Jiles lose literally all of his oxygen. And he still has time to write something witty on social media with one hand while keeping the other latched firmly on Jilesā wrist!
He probably just said ālol,ā to be fair.
Elvis Nixon is having none of this. He starts a five count, and even when Cecilworth breaks the triangle choke at four and lands on the apron, Elvis restarts his count while pointing at Cecilworthās cell phone.
Nick Stuart: Iām not sure why Cecilworth thought he could keep wrestling while on his cell phone, but heās not very happy about this.
Indeed, Cecilworth gives Elvis a very disgusted look, staring him dead-eyed as the count increases. However, at four and a half, he acquiesces and hands the phone back over to Joe Fontaine before re-entering the ring. Jiles is out of sorts, still trying to find the oxygen needed to breathe. Cecilworth is interested in helping him out.
Okay. Actually, he isnāt. Heās interested in the exact opposite.
Rookie mistake.
He kicks Jiles in the ribs while heās down, and Jiles is outright lifted off the ground from the force before he rolls over into the corner. Cecilworth stands there, not quite pressing his advantage. Instead, heās daring Jiles to hit him with his best shot. Jiles, using the ropes in the corner to get to his feet, eventually obliges him.
Nick Stuart: TERMIāNO!
Itās a killshot best used on the unwary, and right now, Cecilworth is pretty damn wary. He catches Jilesā boot before it ever comes close to his face, and spins him around. Jiles finds himself on the wrong end of a move that served Cecilworth well for his first few months.
Nick Stuart: ITāS THE TARP!
Outside of the ring, Phil Atken has the look of a man who isnāt sure whether to be impressed or offended that his vaunted submission hold was once again used by his protĆ©gĆ©. Thereās pride there. Somewhere. Also disdain. To be fair to Phil, itās hard to find anything other than disdain in that man even if heās swelling up with pride. Call it the Scot in him.
The rest of the Bandits? Sheer panic is taking hold on the whole lot of them. In particular, Hessian is looking around for some object to throw into the ring and the Deans are looking between themselves like they donāt know what to do.
Jiles, however, is slippery and elusive like the snake he is. He slips around to behind Cecilworth before he could really get his hooks in on the hold, and goes for a back suplex. Cecilworth flips up and over to behind Jiles, and looks to grab him for the Tarp again. Jiles, however, does two things that puts a stop to any of Cecilworthās momentum. The first is that he grabs Elvis Nixon by the shirt in a desperate attempt to pull himself away from the Universal championās iron grip. The second is that Jilesā trick knee acts up, and by the time the senior referee is able to get eyes on Cecilworth again, all he can see is a champion curled up on the ground clutching his balls.
BOOOOOOOO!!!
Richard Parker: BOOOOOOO!!!
Nick Stuart: A low blow from the challenger!
Outside of the ring, the Glueminati are collectively furious. Well, okay, maybe Phil Atken is only annoyed that Cecilworth didnāt turn his balls into literal steel to stop an attack like that. Either way, theyāre pissed. Many, chief among them being Joe Fontaine and Dirk Dickwood, are protesting what just happened. As the referee is distracted, Jiles pulls Cecilworth to his feet and casually throws him over the top rope and right at the feet of the eGG Bandits.
Nick Stuart: Now, theā¦ ahem, Banditjacks out here are supposed to just help Cecilworth baā
Like hell thatās going to happen.
Nick doesnāt even get to finish his sentence before the Bandits descend upon the Universal champion like a pack of starving wolves. Hessian and Tony Gamble lead the charge in putting the boots to Cecilworth, but theyāre soon joined by Bobby Dean and Doozer and even cOnOr fUsE (gotta get those warbles in). Annabelle Dean stands confused for a second, but then she picks up the armless form of Cardboard Dan Ryan and starts jabbing Cecilworth with him.
Hessian pulls Cecilworth up and practically annihilates him with a short-armed lariat that nearly lands him on his head. By the time Nixon turns around to see whatās been going on behind him, Cecilworth is already thrown back into the ring.
The Glueminati start to make their way over to the Bandit side of the ringside area en masse. Nixon sees this, and bravely gets out of the ring in order to put a stop to that train collision. Of course, one of the trains is missing its caboose right now. That caboose is named Tony Gamble, and as we all know, he is a fuck. As Nixon is trying to quell the situation at ringside, Tony Gamble slips into the ring and he and Cancer Jiles start stomping the holy shit out of Cecilworth.
BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Richard Parker: THIS IS A DISGRACE! THIS IS A TRAVESTY! THIS IS A WAR CRIME! SEND CANCER JILES TO THE HAGUE, NOWWW!!!
Gamble reaches into his tights and pulls out a familiar set of brass knuckles. As in, they might actually be the same ones used in the match he and Hessian had with the Green Vale Gang earlier in the night. Weāre not sure. Either way, he mounts Farthington and starts punching him in the face.
Nick Stuart: Tony Gamble is punching away at Cecilworth Farthington, andā¦ Yes, I think he is busted open!
Richard Parker: TO THE HAGUE!!!
Jiles taps Gamble on the shoulder to get him to leave the ring before Nixon can turn around and see all of the Hague-worthy crimes Tony Gamble is inflicting upon the champion. Nixon, to his credit, managed to defuse the situation outside. Itās mainly because the Glueboiz are so incensed at what just happened in the ring while the Bandits wisely retreat back to their own side.
Jiles continues putting the boots to Farthington as Nixon gets back in the ring. Nixon doesnāt know how or why Farthington is bleeding, but heās getting those gloves on just in case the Farthington Madness spreads by blood. Jiles gets down on his knees and grinds his elbow into Farthingtonās wound to really get that blood flowing, before he drops several more elbows on the top of his head.
Nick Stuart: This is looking bad for the champion, Richard.
Richard Parker: CALL THE NATIONAL GUARD! CALL THE ENGLISH EMBASSY! CALL THE KING!
Nick Stuart: Well, I see that Richardās still being reasonable.
By the time Jiles is done, heās as covered in Farthingtonās blood as Farthington himself is. The champion is bleary-eyed, having no idea where he is or what heās doing, but his body continues to tell him that he should get up. Jiles helps him. Really. Such a good crumb. Well, if you consider the āhelpā be to push Cecilworth into the corner just so he can pound on his head some more.
BOOOOOOOO!!!
Cecilworth, Iām sure, really wishes that all of his opponents would stop trying to kill him.
Jiles then picks Cecilworth up in a scoop slam, only to place him in the Tree of Woe in the corner. An unconscionable amount of stomps follows before Jiles is pulled off by Elvis Nixon. Nixon had reached a count of four before physically pulling King Crumb away from Farthington, mainly because no one (except Richard Parker, perhaps) would be happy if he ended up disqualified in this main event. The two get into a heated argument over how much blood is being spilled at an event called UltraViolence, andā¦
Richard Parker: FOR GODāS SAKES, NIXON!
Richardās reaction is justified.
Hessian takes the opportunity, while Cecilworth is trapped in the Tree of Woe, to ring the goddamn Bells of Olympus. Which is to say, he grabs Cecilworthās arms and starts using them as levers to ram his head into the bottom turnbuckle.
Nick Stuart: This is heinous! That maniac Hessian is going beyond the scope of being a lumberjack out here!
Hessian shoots a look at Nick Stuart that could wilt flowers. Evidently, heād heard the words āthat maniacā being associated with his name, and he contemptuously adds one more Bell for good measure before letting Farthington to fall off of the turnbuckles on his own. Nick Stuart falls silent as Hessian stares daggers at him, before he returns to the Bandit side of the equation.
Meanwhile, Jiles promptly takes advantage, pulling Cecilworth closer to the center of the ring and making a cover.
ONE.
TWO.
Farthington shoots his arm off of the canvas, and heās trying to grasp any part of Jiles he can. But heās blinded by the blood loss, and his fingers only brush Jilesā immaculate alfredo hair. Jilesā face twists into anger at the prospect of someone grabbing him by the hair, and he stands up and stomps on Farthingtonās face. He grinds his salt shoes into the bloodied face of the champion. Nixon administers the five count again, and gives Jiles a stern warning to quit this bullshit.
Jiles conveniently develops a sudden, acute case of deafness.
He pulls Farthington to his feet and, gasp, actually performs a professional wrestling maneuver like they teach you in wrestling school. In this case, itās a quick snap suplex. Textbook floatover, into the cover.
It only gets two.
Cancer Jiles glares at Elvis Nixon, demanding a faster count if he has to dirty his hands with this whole āwrestlingā thing. Elvis steadfastly holds up his two fingers. So what the Manhunter decides to do next is even more outrageous. He backs himself into the corner and lifts himself up to stand on the second rope. He stands there, waiting for Farthington to get to his feet.
Nick Stuart: We donāt see Cancer Jiles look to go high risk that often, but heās in āgo big or go homeā territory!
Richard Parker: I hope he falls and looks stupid doing it.
He does not. When Farthington manages to get to his feet, Jiles flies off and connects with a double axehandle straight to Farthingtonās head. Jiles is feeling himself now, and the Glueminati at ringside are getting restless. Jiles locks eyes with one such member ā Steve Harrison, the former 5-Star Champion who dethroned him for that belt ā and gives him a one-finger salute.
Fans are booing the challenger like crazy.
Things look grim for Cecilworth Farthington as he manages to get up to his knees. He doesnāt appear to know that Jiles is behind him, and Jiles wants him to stand up. He wants him to only barely see whatās coming. He wants him to see, if but a moment, the Terminal Cancer that will end his championship reign. Cecilworth manages to stand. He manages to turn.
Nick Stuart: TERMINAL CANCāNO!
Farthington doesnāt catch the boot this time, but he does sidestep certain doom. Jiles stumbles, off-balance, but manages to recover, turn around, andā¦
BOOM.
ā¦Well, heās not gonna be wearing his T-shades straight for a while after that European uppercut, I can promise you that.
Nick Stuart: WHAT AN UPPERCUT FROM FARTHINGTON!
Jiles lands on his back, and momentum carries him into a backwards roll until he lands on his feet. He stumbles backwards, still off-balance, until his back hits the corner. No sooner does this happen does Cecilworth come charging in with the fervor of a man who ā at his level of blood loss ā should not have this kind of fervor. The Financier crushes Jiles in the corner with a second uppercut, then he grabs Jiles and tries to whip him into the ropes. Jiles reverses, only for Cecilworth to grasp the top rope with his arms and keep himself from bouncing back.
Irate by this, Jiles is the one who charges Cecilworth.
Cecilworth ducks, and Jiles goes flying over the top rope and into the waiting arms of four Glueminati members ā Joe, FLAMBERGE, Harrison, andā¦ fabby, I guess. Jiles only has a second to realize how fucked he is before the Glueminati drop him to the ground like heās yesterdayās garbage and beat the holy fuck out of him.
Nick Stuart: THE GLUEMINATI ARE UPON JILES!
Richard Parker: YES!
Now, the Bandits donāt exactly take this lying down. They come in waves and converge on either side of the Glue. What occurs is nothing short of mayhem, and Elvis Nixon is but one man.
We have some interesting pairs here. Annabelle Dean leaps onto the back of Joe Fontaine and rides him like a horsey, much to his panic. Bobby tries to help, but all he does is get distracted by a fan in the front row with a curiously large popcorn bucket until Dirk Dickwood makes him say hello to the billy club. Tony Gamble and FLAMBERGE exchange blows. Steve Harrison and Conor Fuse renew hostilities from a lifetime ago. fabby and Cardboard Dan Ryan engage in the worldās most terrifying staredown.
But there is one confrontation that stands out.
Phil Atken and Hessian are throwing bombs at each other. Atken, who will celebrate his 60th birthday in less than two months from now and gives up more than a foot of height and a hundred pounds to the Hess Express, is taking the fight to Hessian by exploiting every dirty, shitty trick he knows. Eye gouges and forearm scrapes and the like. Hessian fights back, and the two men fight dangerously close to the announce desk.
Richard Parker: I suddenly donāt want to be here.
Nick Stuart: What a coincidence, neither do I.
Elvis has no idea where to start managing this situation, but he goes out to specifically try to get the two most unruly men on either side ā Atken and Hessian ā to try to not cause any property damage.
He may as well be asking a pair of feral rhinos to stop rampaging.
Jiles, meanwhile, does something in the confusion that baffles everyone.
Nick Stuart: Wait, where is Jiles?
Thatās right, the challenger? Heās straight up vanished.
Richard Parker: Oh, heād better not have developed teleportation magic. The last thing any of us needs is for that asshole to develop telecrumbation.
Nick Stuart: Why did you jump straight to teleportation?
Richard Parker: Weāre in PRIME, Nick. Quite frankly, Iām amazed no one in this promotion uses it yet. Imagine Anna Daniels evaporating into dust only to appear from behind her opponent and then doing a six-hit juggle combo.
Nick Stuart: ā¦No.
Richard Parker: Yeah, I donāt really want to imagine that, either. Not after the last juggle combo we saw.
Even though heās in the middle of a fight with FLAMBERGE that heās not exactly winning, Tony Gamble finds himself shuddering.
Inside the ring, Cecilworth Farthington is on one knee, trying to catch his breath and recover. He has no idea where Jiles went. So he goes to the outside of the ring where heād thrown Jiles. He looks to the fans in front of him, who all point behind Jiles.
More specifically, to the ring apron.
Nick Stuart: Did Jiles sneak under the ring?
Richard Parker: How very cockroach of him, skittering around in the dark places where we donāt look. Rookie mistake.
Cecilworth pulls up the apron, andā¦
BRRRRRRRRSHHHHHH!!!
OHHHHHH!!!!
The second sound is the crowdās reaction to the first.
The first sound? That would be the fire extinguisher.
Richard Parker: Youāve GOT to be FUCKING kidding me.
Nick Stuart: Languageā¦
Cecilworth falls to the ground, his blood now caked in that cold fire extinguisher muck. Jiles emerges from under the ring with that fire extinguisher at hand, and he gives Cecilworth another spray for good measure. With Cecilworth thoroughly doused, Jiles prepares to swing for the fences with the fire extinguisher and extinguish the championship reign of the Financier in the process.
Something is behind him, though, ready to stop him.
Jiles senses that something is amiss, and he turns around.
SMACK!
Well, thatās the sound of a 6-iron across the dome.
The 6-iron, lauded as one of the most sadistic jolf clubs ever invented, is the thumbtack-laden one that still has the name āAVALONā on it, but itās been crossed out. And what word did Joe Fontaine choose to replace it this time?
Richard Parker: It says āROOKIE!ā
Joe drops the 6-iron and dabs over Jilesā corpse. Bloodied wounds have been opened up in the challenger, the same as Tony Gamble had done to Farthington earlier in the contest.
Nick Stuart: This is mayhem! Anarchy is in this arena!
Richard Parker: All we need is music.
As Joe continues dabbing, he misses the fact that Hessian and Phil Atkenās brawl has reached him until Hessian bodily grabs Joe and flings him into Phil, knocking the both of them down.
Cecilworth, however, escapes Hessian by rolling into the ring and dragging a now-bloodied Jiles in with him. Front facelock, grabbed the leg, itās time to make Jilesā quest to win the Universal titleā¦
Richard Parker: WORTHLESS! AHAHA! ITāS OVER!
The fishermanās buster(, buster!) connects, and Cecilworth floats over into the cover. However, Elvis Nixon is still wrapped up with the situation outside in a vain effort to restore order. So it takes him longer than needed to slide into the ring and make a count.
ONE.
TWO.
KICKOUT.
Richard Parker: DAMMIT, NIXON!
Nick Stuart: You can hardly blame him, things are chaos out here!
Richard Parker: If it were ME, Jiles would have lost immediately after the bell rang!
Nick Stuart: I think thatās why youāre not asked to be a referee.
Richard Parker: I SHOULD!
Under normal circumstances, Cecilworth would have transitioned the kickout right into a submission hold. However, the blood loss has him not thinking straight. Hence why Cecilworth pulls Jiles to his feet. Heās going to try and Worthless him again. But Jiles twists out of the attempt, kicks Cecilworth in the gut, and puts him down with a DDT!
Nick Stuart: DDT from Jiles!
Richard Parker: NO!
The DDT leaves an imprint of Cecilworthās forehead on the canvas, but Jiles canāt capitalize and both men are down. Jiles doesnāt even crawl for the cover. Instead, heās going to the corner. Cecilworth, as well, heads for the corner, andā¦
ā¦
ā¦
There is music.
Richard Parker did bring up the possibility of music, after all.
The song?
OvErDriIiIiIiIiIiIiVeā¦
Richard Parker: Wait, what the fuck.
Ladies and gentlemen, itās time to get digitalized in the body and the eyes of a champion. Itās time to Overdrive the Mirage. Better believe it.
High above the ring, a steel thing is being lowered down. Elvis Nixon, whoād been looking as confused as everyone else about the music being played, looks up and visibly and audibly shouts āHOLY SHITā as he helplessly watches this thing get lowered.
Somewhere, a fan that got bagged and sent away during Cecilworthās entrance is probably laughing maniacally ā something in him might have just snapped at the thought of missing this.
Nixon isnāt the only one whoās startled. The brawling between Banditjacks and Glueberjacks comes to a screeching halt. Dirk Dickwood is visibly mortified. Phil Atken looks like heās one second away from walking out of this whole thing, and the only thing that stops him is that he kinda wants to punch some more people. Everyone watches the descent of what can only be described as āundulating steelā with unerring awe and fear. Great warriors have fought one another on that contraption, kickboxing in the skies like the fucking gods.
Farthington and Jiles both look up and see whatās coming. Wordlessly, the two men nod to each other. Itās as though theyāre compelled by forces beyond their understanding to engage in PRIMEās very first bout of Aerial Kickboxing.
Nick Stuart: This is INSANE!
Richard Parker: I repeat. What the fuck.
Senior PRIME referee Elvis Nixon stands in the center of the ring with his eyes staring up, looking hopelessly at the Undulating Steel above him. He shrugs his shoulders, gives up, and decides that he is now an Aerial Kickboxing referee.
The steel comes down low enough that Jiles and Farthington are both able to grab onto it from the second ropes. Both men are then raised several feet into the air, and they start scrambling towards each other, hand-over-hand, until they get within kicking range. The steel undulates, and both men are desperately trying to knock the other one off by any means necessary.
Nick Stuart: How do you even CALL this!?
Richard Parker: I got this.
There is a pause as Richard Parker prepares to have this.
Richard Parker: KICK HIM IN THE JUNK, CECILWORTH!
This is a surprisingly easy proposition, and both men are indeed aiming straight for the junk with their boots. Also, most prior versions of this event involve such handy things as āsafety equipmentā and āpaddingā, and you will find no such thing here. No. This is a sport for gods. We mere mortals may only observe its splendor, and also its rampant, unchecked ball-kicking.
Things change as both men grow more exhausted, not helped by the blood loss and the action thatād taken place so far in the match. An errant kick from Jiles strikes Cecilworth in the arm, and his hand slips. Jiles tries to press his advantage, but Cecilworth grabs hold of Jilesā boot when he tries.
Fans gasp in awe as the two men fight in this position ā Cecilworth holding himself onto the steel with one hand, and Jiles unable to kick him down because Cecilworth had hold of his leg. This couldnāt last since arms are only so strong, but when Jiles kicked him in the face with the other foot, it was bad for both of men.
Because while Cecilworth lost grip and fell, the only thing he actually lost grip on was the Undulating Steel. Jilesā foot on the other hand, is still something Cecilworth is holding on to. The force of Cecilworthās descent causes Jiles to lose his grip and he falls as well. Cecilworth hits the canvas first, landing on his feet and falling to the ground shortly thereafter.
Jiles?
Right on the moneymaker.
Nick Stuart: BOTH MEN GO FALLING OFF!
Richard Parker: WHO WON!?
Nick Stuart: Iā¦
Elvis Nixon throws his hands up in the air. Evidently, this game of Aerial Kickboxing is a no contest, despite plenty of evidence that Cecilworth hit first. Nobodyās happy about it. Joe Fontaine is throwing garbage in the ring. Tony Gamble helps ā a three word statement that is usually never applicable to him.
The Steel slowly makes its way back up to the ceiling as both men writhe on the ground from the terrible fall back into the ring.
Richard Parker: ā¦I get the feeling that we forgot something important.
Nick Stuart: You mean the UNIVERSAL TITLE MATCH?
Richard Parker: ā¦Oh. OH. OHHHHH!!! I FORGOR! I VERY FORGOR!
As if to emphasize that point, Elvis Nixon seamlessly transitions from Aerial Kickboxing referee to Professional Wrestling referee and begins to administer a ten count.
At the count of seven, Cecilworth ā using the ropes ā manages to get to his feet. He goes to pick up Jiles, onlyā¦
Nick Stuart: Jiles has a handful of Farthingtonās eyes!
Farthington yells out in pain at his eyes being gouged, but he has a very different reaction to it than most people do. He reaches up andā¦ he starts gouging Jilesā eyes!
Nick Stuart: And now Cecilworth has a handful of Jilesā eyes!
Richard Parker: YES! YESSS!!!
Elvis Nixon is having none of this. He goes to make a five count to get them to stop gouging each othersā eyes out, andā¦
Nick Stuart: OH NO!
Both Farthington and Jiles happen to poke Elvis Nixon right in the eyes. Tragic mistake, could happen to anyone. Blinded, but for the moment, Elvis Nixon turns away to try and recover from the mishap.
Jiles loses grip on Farthingtonās face, and Farthington backs him up into the corner. A European uppercut rocks the former European champion, and Farthington whips him into the opposite corner. As before, Farthington charges in for another European uppercā
Richard Parker: MOTHERFUā
Nick Stuart: COOLYMPIAN YOJLK!
The infamous yellow mist. Blinder of champions, breaker of hearts, ender of dreams. Cecilworth reacts to this like he got hit by pepper spray, he falls backwards and writhes on the ground. Itās worse than the eye-gouging from moments ago.
Richard Parker: Thisā¦ this canāt be happeningā¦
Jiles sets up shop in the corner, daring Cecilworth to get up so that he can finally ā at long last ā bring Terminal Cancer down on his longtime rivalās head and claim the Universal Championshp thatās eluded him since he lost the title to the conspicuously absent Hayes Hanlon.
Thereās just oneā¦ teensy, small problem to all of that.
He climbs up onto the apron as Jiles prepares for the superkick. Jiles only barely sees the movement, and he turns his attention to a man who had every reason to be there ā in this moment. To ruin everything.
His name is Phil Atken.
And Phil Atken has, in his hand, a bottle of bug spray. Specifically, for cockroaches.
Jilesā eyes go wideā¦
Nick Stuart: ATKEN! ATKEN SPRAYS JILES IN THE FACE!
ā¦and then they go blind.
Atken drops off of the ring apron, satisfied at what heās done.
By the time that Elvis Nixon has recovered from the accidental eye poke, he sees two men writhing in the ground. Theyāre both completely blind, and that is made apparent when they get to their feet and stumble around looking for anything resembling a sign of where in the ring they are.
They stagger, and then Jiles feels movement in front of him and strikes in only the way he knows how.
Nick Stuart: TERMINAL CANCā
The superkick misses by a mile. Cecilworth didnāt even move or see it coming, in fact. Jiles falls to the canvas in a heap upon the miss, his eyes still stinging.
Richard Parker: The air had it coming.
Outside of the ring, the Gluberjacks have regrouped on their side of the ring and are shouting instructions at Cecilworth on which way he needs to go. On the other side of the ring, the Banditjacks are doing the same for Jiles. Fans get in on it, encouraging their men to get on with it, find each other, and beat each other down.
Itās all very confusing for both Farthington and Jiles.
And then Joe Fontaine throws a jolf club into the ring. Itās the 7-iron, you can tell by the distinct clattering and mild screaming it does when it lands. Elvis Nixon has tolerated a lot of bullshit in this one, but this? Yeah, no. Nixon picks up the chair and goes to remove it from the proceedings.
Two things happen.
First, Joe Fontaine enters the ring with the 8-iron ā the lightweight steel chair that swings fast. But as he does, Conor Fuse enters the ring and dropkicks the 8-iron right into Joeās face.
SMACK!
Nick Stuart: Live by the jolf, die by the jolf!
Joe falls out of the ring in a drunken state, and Conor goes to fly over the top rope.
He lands on Hank.
Hank, the sweet boy that he is, catches this flying video game kid as though heās catching a blushing bride. Conorās face has an expression of horror shortly before Hank throws him up into the air and he lands hard on the concrete below.
And then mayhem.
Richard Parker: Oh no, here we go again.
What did you expect? Itās the Glueminati (and friends) and the eGG Bandits (with no friends). Thereās more mayhem than an Allstate commercial here. fabby gets in Doozerās way, and both are very confused about it. Phil Atken gets on top of Conor Fuse and starts beating him to death with his bare hands. Bobby Dean decides heād rather just sit down and eat Doritos, much to Annabelle Deanās consternation. Steve Harrison makes a running jump onto the steel steps and comes down with an axehandle over the head of Hessian.
In the confusion, Cecilworth regains his vision enough to charge Jiles with a European uppercut. It connects, sending Jiles into the corner. Cecilworth has all of the momentum now, and he charges one more time at Jiā
Nick Stuart: TERMINAL CANCER!
Richard Parker: NonononononoNONONONONONO!!!
The Universal champion is blasted backwards in seemingly slow motion, before landing on his back. Heās just an inch too far from the ropes when Jiles instinctually falls on top of him. Referee Elvis Nixon makes the count.
ONE!
TWO!
ā¦
Cecilworth does not kick out, but Elvis Nixon stops the count.
Jiles looks up to see what happened, and he grows demonstrably more pissed off.
Cecilworthās toe is on the ropesā¦ because FLAMBERGE pushed the ropes enough for Cecilworthās toe to reach the rope.
Elvis Nixon only sees the toe on the rope and stops his count. By the time Nixon wouldāve been able to see FLAMBERGEās assistance, the Lizard King is blindsided by Annabelle Dean literally throwing Cardboard Dan Ryan at him.
Jiles, understandably, cannot believe this. His championship hopes dashed away by a little push and a bit of toe. He stands up and yells at Nixon, pointing in the direction of where FLAMBERGE was. After a few seconds of arguing, Jiles seems ready to let this be and not worry about Cecilworth still clinging to life anā
Nick Stuart: TERMINAL CANCER!
Richard Parker: THAT CRUMB!
The moment Nixon turns, thinking heās safe, Jiles strikes. The deadly superkick sends Elvis Nixon to timeout, and itās cue for more mayhem to ensue. Hessian manages to throw Harrison into the crowd, and then he runs over the PRIME Tag Team Champions with a double lariat. Heās met with Hank just as heās done knocking them down, and the two big men brawl like fucking Godzilla and King Kong.
Jiles looks around, pulls Cecilworth to his feet, and throws him out of the ring through the top and middle ropes. The bloodied and yolk-stained champion is stomped upon by Tony Gamble the moment heās out of there, and Jiles directs more traffic. He marches over to the commentary desk.
Richard Parker: Oh no, heās not coming over here, is he?
Nick Stuart: Want to scream about sending him to The Hague some more?
Richard Parker: Maybe.
Richardās response is soon drowned out by the sound of Jiles clearing off the entire desk. Nick and Richard wisely get the hell out of the way as Jiles and Gamble drag Cecilworth over to the table.
However, as Jiles places Cecilworth on the table, the fighting between the Bandits and the Glue spills out to that side of the ring. Nick and Richard get the hell out of dodge, because thatās a lot of mean men (and one woman, and one cardboard cutout, and one piece of furniture masquerading as a human man) that are out there fighting. As they do, though, one man climbs up onto the ring apron and then to the top ropeā¦ with the 9-iron in hand.
Joe Fontaine leaps majestically into the air in a picture perfect moonsault, if one considers that most moonsaults donāt involve a steel chair. He lands directly on top of Hessian and Doozer, but he ends up knocking down the whole pile because adding a steel chair to his 185 pounds does a lot more damage than if it were just him.
Joe lands on his feet and holds his arms up in a warriorās T-pose, and then he turns around, andā¦
Well, Nick canāt be heard because of some audio issues, but we all know what heād be interrupted by, right?
TERMINAL CANCER.
Joe falls to the ground in a heap. FLAMBERGE rushes to his aid, andā¦
TERMINAL CANCER.
FLAMBERGE manages to stay on his feet for just long enough that you might think that heāll power through it, anāNope.
Down he goes.
Both of the PRIME Tag Team champions are down, but Jiles realizes heās letting himself get distracted. He joins Cecilworth on top of the table, and holds him up by the chin. He wants Cecilworth to see this one coming.
Pucker.
Kiss.
TERMINAL CANCāNO.
Jilesā boot gets caught, and Cecilworth transforms what shouldāve been a certain death Terminal Cancer that wouldāve blown him off of the table and through the adjacent Spanish commentatorās table into knee death. Which is to say that Cecilworth make a point to drive his boot into Jilesā plant leg. Jiles screams. He canāt help himself. And when Cecilworth brings Jiles down with a single leg takedown and grapevines the leg, Jiles is desperate to get off the table before Cecilworth bends his knee in a ways that knees donāt bend. Cecilworth lets himā¦ at first. But the moment Jiles gets halfway off the table, Cecilworth grounds himself even more into a heel hook ā straight out of the Brandon Youngblood playbook.
Jiles is just hanging around like heās in a gallows.
However, with two of the Glueminati down for the count, Cecilworth canāt defend himself when Doozer invisibly hits him over the head with a boot. Like, a random boot he found on the ground. Itās probably Bobbyās. Either way, Cecilworth breaks the hold. Doozer doesnāt get that much of a chance to keep booting Cecilworth in the bum, though, as Harrison grabs him and grants him a little Harracle for his troubles. Phil Atken has Tony Gamble in the Tarp and it doesnāt look like heās very interested in letting go of him.
Cecilworth slides off of the table, crawling towards the ringside barrier.
Nick Stuart: I think weāre safe.
Richard Parker: JILES DID THIS ON PURPOSE!
Nick Stuart: He can probably hear you, you know.
Richard Parker: I DONāT CARE!
More accurately, heās crawling towards where Coral Avalon has been seated this whole time. Avalon has not moved since the opening bell. Not when the eGG Bandits were fighting the Glueminati on the outside. Not when Elvis Nixon got a case of the āol Terms Cance. He was more bewildered than anything by the Undulating Steel. Cecilworth, bloodied and yolked and exhausted, locks eyes with the erstwhile King of Conquerors.
Coral Avalon is an eGG Bandit. He was his own kind of Bandit, but he is still counted as one of their number. He briefly wondered if Avalon would choose to get involved.
Avalon does, in fact, get involved.
Because as Cecilworth stands up, Vickie Hall suddenly appears from behind the barrier. Sheās got a knife, just like she did two weeks ago with the cake. Cecilworth is not expecting this, and we might actually have had our first actual stabbing incident in PRIME.
Coral Avalon, almost casually, stands and grabs the knife from Vickieās hand. Itās his own brand of Banditry come to life. Vickie reacts with rage, turns, and slaps the taste out of Avalonās mouth. Avalon barely flinches, and doesnāt react at all as Vickie lays down a verbal beatdown.
But fans cheer. They cheer loud.
Because Coral Avalon did not come to observe this main event alone. His wife, several months pregnant with the future Mira Avalon, stands up in her seat. Annabelle Avalon spins Vickie around to face her. Vickie stares for a moment before slapping Annabelle, too.
BOOOOOO!!!
The booing doesnāt last. The booing, in fact, transforms into cheers.
Because Annabelle headbutts Vickie, and Vickie goes down screaming bloody murder. Weāre sorry, really, for all of the fans that happened to have tickets within that particular area of ringside. It doesnāt take long for Vickie to scramble to her feet and runs for the hills. Annabelle staggers slightly, but sheās fine, realā
Nick Stuart: TERMINAL CANCER!
Weāre not quite sure who Jiles was aiming for at this moment. It couldāve been Cecilworth, his opponent. It couldāve been Annabelle, who just headbutt Vickie and all, and letās not pretend that Jiles wouldnāt superkick a pregnant woman just to be a crumb.
Who he hits is Coral, who falls backwards into his seat and topples over. The superkick sends Jiles halfway over the guardrail. Jiles looks down contemptuously at Avalon, almost satisfied at getting to superkick him in the stupid forehead one more time for old timeās sakes.
He forgets that Cecilworth is still right there, and he reacts with sheer panic when Cecilworth grabs his leg and dragon screws him right off of the guardrail.
Richard Parker: YES!
Nick Stuart: Almost surgical with that dragon screw!
Jiles yelps in pain. The heel hook earlier had weakened him, the dragon screw to the plant leg did him even fewer favors. Cecilworth pulls Jiles off of the guardrail and rolls him back into the ring. There is no referee. The Bandits and the Glueminati are all preoccupied for different reasons. Finally, after all this time, itās back to just Cecilworth Farthington and Cancer Jiles.
Farthington pulls Jiles to his feet and hits him with the snapmare, before running into the ropes andā¦
SMACK!
Nick Stuart: PENALTY KICK!
The huge kick to Jilesā black heart should make this match academic, but the Merlin of the Mat looks around and laments the lack of a referee. Even when he covers Jiles, no oneās there to count.
No one, until Jimmy Turnbull slides into the ring.
ONE!
TWO!
GAMBLE!
Tony Gamble grabs Turnbull by the ankle and rips him out of the ring, causing him to land right on his face.
Richard Parker: HOW IS ANYONE SUPPOSED TO WIN THIS MATCH!?
Thatās clearly the question on Farthingtonās mind as he looks up to see that the referee thatād been counting is no longer counting. Farthington is, perhaps, also concerned that he might actually be running out of blood to bleed. The Universal champion pulls himself to his feet and drags Jiles up with hiā
Nick Stuart: LOW BLOW!
Richard Parker: GAHHHH!!! WHY!?
Itās desperation. Jiles has almost nothing left, himself. Heās fallen, heās taken hard shots, heās bleeding, some asshole hit him with a jolf club, he got bug spray to the face. But heās Cancer Jiles. Heās a cockroach. Just when you think youāve squashed him, he bounces back like you never even touched him. And as Jiles crawls to the corner, he has enough in him forā¦ One. Last. Kick.
Cecilworth is on his knees. He sees his doom coming. He has no way to avoid whatās coming.
Nick Stuart: TERMINAL CANCā
And then, a miracle happens.
Itās a miracle that might not have happened at any other time or on any other night.
Jilesā leg gives out from under him. Just for a moment. Just enough that heās forced to pull up on the superkick and take a knee instead.
And Cecilworth pounces.
Nick Stuart: THE TARP! THE TARP IS LOCKED IN!
Cancer Jiles has fought through hell and back to return to UltraViolence and reclaim the Universal Championship. He would be damned if this is how he goes out. He would not let Cecilworth Farthington bring him down like this. Not to Phil Atkenās signature hold. Not to this crumb.
His eyes only grow wider when he sees Elvis Nixon crawling back into the ring, no doubt with an aching jaw. He realizes he could actually lose here. Jiles wrestles his way to his feet, and reaches for the ropes. His fingertips are only inches away.
But thatās when Cecilworth gets his hooks in. He wraps his legs around Jiles and drags him back down to hell like the end of a Sam Raimi film.
Jiles wonāt stop fighting.
Richard Parker: GIVE UP! GOD!
He wonāt.
He canāt.
Heās come too far. He struggles.
Cecilworth doesnāt have the Tarp all the way in, and Jiles is handfighting the whole time to try and keep his arm from getting around the throat. He manages to get back to his feet, and he sees Bobby reaching out to try and help him. He ignores even the fact that Bobby clearly has Doritos cheese dust on his mitts, and reaches out to him.
Itās then that Cecilworth stomps his leg out from under him, slamming his boot in the crook of Jilesā knee. He uses Jiles pained reaction to this as a means to sink the Tarp into Jiles and pull him back into the center of the ring.
Jiles keeps reaching.
He canāt stop here.
He wonāt stop here.
HE WILL NOT BE STOPPED.
ā¦
ā¦
ā¦
Yet his arms feel heavy, and he can reach no more. Elvis Nixon manages to get over to check on Jilesā condition, and he has no other choice but to call for the bell.
DING DING DING
RAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Nick Stuart: ITāS OVER!
Richard Parker: YES! YES! YESSSSS!!!
Cecilworth releases the hold and rolls over onto his back, completely spent. Jiles, for his part, lies unmoving in the center of the ring. Another UltraViolence, another lost opportunity on the biggest stage of all.
Vince Howard: Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of this match as a result of the refereeās decisionā¦ AND STILLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!! PRIME! UNIVERSAL! CHAMPIONNNNN!!! CECILWOOOOOOOOOORRRRRTHHHHHH FARTHINGTOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNN!!!!
Eventually, Hessian reaches in, grabs Jiles by the boot, and pulls him from the ring. He carries King Crumb on his shoulder, and although he looks like he wants more of a fight, he chooses to head up the ramp with the rest of the Bandits.
In the ring, Joe Fontaine and FLAMBERGE ā both still reeling from the effects of Terminal Cancer ā enter the ring to celebrate Cecilworthās victory. Hank nods approvingly. fabby is contractually obligated to also nod approvingly. Behind the barrier, a dazed Coral Avalon can only nod at what just transpired.
Steve Harrison lingers in the corner, elbows resting on the top rope.
A bandaged up Hayes Hanlon arrives to join the celebration. Though he was unable to participate in a Glueberjack capacity, heās here now.
And outside of the ring, Phil Atken has a mirthless expression. Perhaps, though, thatās the closest thing he might come to a smile.
Nick Stuart: An incredible main event here in Toronto! Cecilworth Farthington, despite everything that was thrown his way tonight, has emerged the winner in a close Universal championship match!
Richard Parker: Thank God. My prayers have been answered!
Nick Stuart: With that, we bid you adieu from Toronto! Heās been Richard Parker, Iāve been Nick Stuartā¦ so long, everyone!
The scene fades with an exhausted Cecilworth raising his arms in the air, with the equally exhausted core members of the Glueminati offering him support. Tonight, Cecilworth joins the perilously few ranks of men who have ever successfully defended the Universal title more than once.
Tomorrow, though, thatās another day.
GLUE.
STICKS.
TOGETHER.
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