On Men

Gay sex is great. Everyone should try it sometime. Especially men.

Seriously, dudes, it’s 2025. Suck a dick. Get some culture.

And boy, does becoming champ and winning a main event get you some culture.

I’m seeing the kind of men who wouldn’t look at me twice in Hollywood.

You know, since I was a nobody.

Now they’re lining up because I’m a Nobody.

Who woulda thunk it? Not me.

One year ago I was a recovering junkie emptying his bank account for pro wrestling training.

Now I’m a Hero.

I’ve got money to help my family.

And clout for the prettiest boys at the club.

Is there more to life than being adored, spending money, and having civilization-ending sex with hot people? Am I thinking about settling down? Nah. Sounds republican.

Still.

Joining up with the Heroes has made me ask some questions.

Like why have I never smiled like TAL when he’s facetiming his family?

Why have I never looked at someone like Crash looks Violent Purple?

I think I know the answer.

And I hate it. --- A Ramen Bar, Tokyo It’s a few days before Culture Shock, and Sebastian Gold is sitting down for a hot bowl of ramen with his brother Dio and his sponsor from back home, Didi St. Claire, freshly flown in this morning and still complaining about it. A cramped seat is tough on a former powerhouse with an old spine injury, but Dee was never gonna miss Bash’s Tokyo Dome debut. After keeping him sober these past two years, she deserved to see the fruits of her labors.

“Let me see if all the grief was worth it.” She’d told him over the phone.

But Sebastian knew better.

She wants to relive the old days, he thinks. When she was young, uninjured, and touring Japan in the nineties. If things go right, he could be like her one day. Older. Hurt. Taking the effort to support the next generation but bitching the whole time about it. Sounds like a wrestler’s retirement to me.

He watches her once nimble fingers struggle with chopsticks before giving up and asking for a fork.

She struggles alone, and I worry about not being there for her. A wrestler’s retirement is easier when there’s someone to take care of you.

It’d be great if she could find someone.

It’d be great if I…

“I'm gonna be less of a slut.” Sebastian declares. The entire table and the waitress turn their heads.

“...and a side of edamame, please. Thank you so much.” Dio says, finishing his order. The waitress nods and scurries away from whatever that was.

“What brought this on? Have a bad night?” Dee asks.

“Not from what I heard,” Dio grumbles. “We are never getting adjoining rooms again.”

“Oh, sorry about that, he was a yeller. And so was his boyfriend.”

“Jesus, so much for your standards.” Dee sniggers.

“Standards?” Dio raises an eyebrow. “He has standards?”

“Oh, you’ll never believe me.” She chuckles. One time, this guy stumbles into my apartment, drunk at 1 a.m. and tells me Sebastian Gold never goes for 1. Guys with Partners 2. Guys with kids 3. Professional Wrestlers, Did I get them all?”

“...Yeah.” Bash says.

“So you already broke #1 last night?” Dio asks.

“...they were also a tag team.” Bash admits.

Dee roars with laughter.

“That does explain why they took turns,” Dio mutters.

“I said I had a problem!" Sebastian says. "Look, I know I’m not perfect but…I’m thinking it’s…it’s finally time I look for something serious. Maybe even...monogamous.”

The table goes still. Dee breaks first with a snigger. Then, Dio breaks. They point to each other and lose the rest of their shit.

“It’s not that funny.”

“I’m sorry, Bash.” Dee says, almost wiping away tears.” It’s just. I-”

“How many times has he said that to you?” Dio excitedly asks Dee.

“I lost count!” she yells back. “I’m sorry, Bash. I’m sure you’re not lying, but fact is, you tell me you want something serious, and then the next weekend, you’re in the middle of a foam party at The Hole Factory. We’ve all seen how this plays out.”

“You said it to me when you were 18 after you ran through the cross-country team." Dio says. "Then  you tell me you're joining a gay frisbee team-"

“-that never plays frisbee, I know, I know!"

“Exactly. My actual brother in Christ, if you want a real relationship, by all means, go for it…we just uh…how do I put this…Don’t believe you.”

Dee and Dio start to chuckle again, expecting Bash to join in, but he doesn’t.

“I…I am being serious. Seeing what Crash has with Violent…seeing TAL with his family. I just. It’s making me question things, ya know?”

Sebastian’s phone buzzes.

“Maybe that’s Mr. Serious now,” Dio says. Dee snorts.

“Actually, it’s a reporter asking if I can do a last-minute interview. And you know what?”

He grabs his stuff.

“I just became available.”

“Oh come on Bash, I was just giving you shit.”

“I’ll get the ramen sent up to my room. See you both later.”

A sullen Sebastian leaves the two with their fun and heads up to his room.

“What’s got him so wound?” Dee asks.

“It’s Manhunt,” Dio says. “The Heroes are flying high right now, and he wants them to have a good showing. Honestly, Dee he’s been more stressed than ever. He was a nobody struggling for recognition for so long, I don’t think he knows what to do now he’s got it.”

“It’s easier to move when you have nothing to lose...We were a bit mean to him.”

“Oh, it’s Bash. He’ll get over it.” Dio waves her off.

“Him finding someone could be good for you too, ya know? I know I complained less to my manager when Jeremy and I got hitched. Of course, he got the whole earful during the divorce, so make sure he picks a winner.” Dee says.

Dio shakes his head and pokes at his side of edamame.

“I can’t imagine marrying a wrestler," he says. "It’s tough enough being one’s brother.”

“It’s why a lot of us end up marrying each other. We get each other. We get why we do this. Jeremy used to go by Mason Thorne. Had a hell of a frog splash.”

“What happened? If you don’t mind me asking.”

“Well. At a certain point in our careers, it became clear I was gonna be the higher one on the card for the rest of our marriage. He couldn’t take that.”

“Sounds like a weak man.”

“He was. I wish I’d known sooner.”

The ramen is served, and the two realize they have little to talk about besides one Sebastian Gold.

“So…You think Bash’s future husband is on the roster?” Dio asks, breaking the awful silence.

“Sure, why not? Let’s go through ‘em. Maybe the perfect man is right under Sebastian’s nose,” she says.

“AI was joking. You actually wanna do this?” Dio asks.

“It’s that or awkward silence. Take your pick.”

“The whole roster?”

“The WHOLE ROSTER!” Dee says. “Well, maybe just the men. It's a shame because RIA would be great for him. He'd love the variety and he's easily distracted by bright colors. And Anna would do a great job getting him to focus, but really can you imagine him with a woman? What would he even do with his hands?"

“Alright…Just the men then.” Dio readies himself and brings up the roster list. “Let’s start from the top: Asher Creed.”

“No,” Dee says immediately. “Him and Bash would be an absolute disaster. Both are too driven. they'd drive each into the ground. The same goes for MD Storm. Next!”

“Ben Lynch. Nope!” Dio shakes his head. “Jerkass woobies make for fun weekends but messy divorces. Next is Blaze Cl-

“NEXT.” Dee cuts him off. “No way he dates an actor. He does have some standards. Who’s next?”

“Bobby Dean - you know he does have a thing for larger guys.”

“Does he have a thing for the Egg boys without Coral?”

“God, they’re gonna be insufferable. No, I’m not allowing him to date any of the Bandits. The last thing I need is a dickmatized Gold bringing Cancer Jiles or Tony Gamble home for thanksgiving.”

He shudders.

“Let’s move on.” he looks at the following name and bursts out laughing.

“Who is it?”

“Bryan Dawkins.”

“Now see!” Dee yells, now animated. “You ask me that last year I’d say what a nice, stable pineapple to settle down with. That’s the thing with men. You don’t know the rotten ones until they show themselves. By that time, it may be too late.”

“Still don’t understand how he could’ve betrayed Crash and Bash like that.” Dio says.

“Who knows? Walking the good path is tough, or everybody would do it. Far as I’m concerned, he’s just another fake friend I thank God Bash didn’t have time to get close to. You know he doesn’t take betrayal well.

“Well, that’s him off the list.”

“Might as well take the rest of the Army off too, but you know what’s a shame? And NEVER tell Bash I said this!”

He leans in close and lowers his voice.

“Don’t you think Ivan is kinda…”

“His type!” Dee yells excitedly. Dio and half the ramen bar jump.

“Yeah! I think there’s a universe where he’s Ivan’s bright new commissar who doesn’t mind being puppetted with a fist that size. This conversation never leaves this table.”

Dio leans back and checks the next candidate.

“Oooooh, I wouldn’t mind a Farthington fortune in the family. But Seb’s never learning which fork to use when, so that’s out. I think all the Glue guys are out.”

“Why?” Dee asks.

“First off, he’s never learning Jolf. Flamberge would find out about his snakeskin jacket period in Hollywood, so that’s out. He’d have a disaster of a weekend with Hanlon but insist it was amazing. They’d never speak again.”

“Do you like that you know your brother this well?”

“No. Next is Tsonda, and can I just say, I’m straight, and I forgot how to speak when that guy looked at me. It’s too much power. He should be forced to have a rattail and a face tat for public safety.”

“Now Clay Byrd, that’s an ideal husband.” Dee nods. “Would keep him in line. Though you know Bash would annoy the hell out of him. It's the same with Wade. Now Daytona-”

“No, no! Daytona threatens wildlife and branded jet skis before Sebastian could. The sad bit? The only thing he wouldn’t like about a whoresman, is that they’re friends with Rob.”

“Even Fred?” Dee asks.

“Not all his boyfriends have had dicks. There are ways to work around that, he’s told me many of them. The dealbreaker is Rob!”

“There’s definitely another timeline where the murder-suicided each other or drove off a cliff on K. Terrible to imagine there's a world where Rob Williams is part of the LGBT community. They’ve been through enough.” Dee says.

“Next are Hessian and Cooley, who would both just kill him.”

“Do you think Cooley could fit Hessian up his ass?”

“What do you think?” Dio ask.

Dee throws up her hands. “Anything’s possible with the grace of God and enough lube.”

Dio chooses to ignore that and move on.

“Jason Snow? Absolutely not. JCH?” he asks.

“A guy texted Bash in the afternoon once, and that was too clingy for him,” Dee says.

“Hunter? Nah, he’d get too jealous of Kerry. Kerry? Nah, he’d get too jealous of the koala. Harrison?Nah, too jealous of the tentacles.” Dio contemplates. “Sage would be great for him if Cliff didn’t exist.”

“Oh, hell no.” Dee shakes her head. “Two addicts, newly sober? They’d relapse within a year. Is that everyone?”

“Nope, sorry, just saw Sean O’Neill. His profile was hiding in the background.”

“Great guy. You know Bash would ghost him and then blame it on not being able to find him.” Dee sighs.

“Can’t we just hook him up a Colton?” she asks. “There’s gotta be an extra one around here somewhere.”

“If only! Look, the day he goes for guys like Nate, I’ll believe him.”

Another silence descends. They both sit for a little bit in their guilt.

“We were a bit harsh.” Dee says.

“Ugh. Maybe It’s still tough for me, you know?” Dio says.

“What is?”

“Believing a word he says.” --- Sebastian's Hotel Room Dio opens the adjoining door to find a surprised Sebastian on his laptop sitting at the room’s desk.

“Uhhh-” Sebastian says.

“Sorry, I know you’ve got the interview and it’s-” Dio says

“Not a great time-”

“Yeah, I know, look. I just wanted to apologize. You said you wanted to change, and I should’ve taken you seriously. You know it’s great you’re looking for something more. You’re really starting to show some maturity, and I want you to know that I see that. In fact I’m proud of you for it.”

“...thanks, man. I really appreciate that. But, uh, if it’s alright–”

He gestures to the laptop.

“Yeah, sorry, I’ll let you get back to it.”

He gives a thumbs up.

“Proud of you, bro.”

Dio shuts the adjoining door.

Immediately, a wayward Raffi pops up from under Bash's desk.

“Do you think he saw me?” the panicked member of Crash's entourage asks, fixing his messed-up hair.

Sebastian groans, zips his pants and bangs his head against the table. He does it again. And then one more time, hoping it will feel different. --- So I’ve got a ways to go.

Improvements to make.

Every journey starts with a step.

My next step is Manhunt.

And then a hunt for a man. A real one.

Maybe someone on the Roster?

NAH. I’ll never be that desperate.

Unless…if we combined all the cowboys into one giant-NOPE. Shut that down.

Come on, Bash.

You want TAL’s smile?

You want Crash and Vi’s love?

Commit.

In fact, pretend you’re in Manhunt when you hunt for men.

Don’t run away when you feel something.

That could work.

Maybe there’s hope for you yet...

Slut.