CULTURE SHOCK 2025 NIGHT TWO

Akihabara.

The Electric Town of Tokyo. The epicenter of Japanese otaku culture. The setting.

We’re treated to a shot of a door leading inside of a Japanese arcade, the joystick in the foreground. A man walks through the door, so completely out of focus that you hardly know what he looks like even as he walks closer to the machine.

The man steps in front of the machine, his hand gently caressing the joystick. He bends down to slot a token into the machine.

The camera pans around to look over his shoulder. He’s more in focus now, but the baseball cap that he wears backwards obscures much about him. The most we can say for sure is that it appears to be similar in make to the one that Ash Ketchum wears in the Pokemon anime. The camera plans closer to the screen of the arcade machine, specifically the title screen.

The title screen, in electric letters?

CULTURE SHOCK: MANHUNT

PRESS START TO PLAY

After a few moments, the man presses start.

The distinctive sound of a steel chair meeting a human skull marks the beginning of the game.

We’re thrust into a first-person perspective, and we’re running. In the woods, late at night. The sounds can barely be heard over the loud music. You look to your left. Nothing. You look to your right, and you see them.

The wolves are coming.

These wolves are familiar. One has the T-shades, and leads a pack consisting of a very large wolf with a black bear, a very small wolf running with phone books taped to its feet, and a fat wolf that’s lagging behind the rest. With a little salty maneuver, the wolves close in on you.

You dodge, the wolves snapping at you the whole way.

You find a rope and climb up the tree, out of reach of the wolves. A little run down the branch and across a vine, and you land on the roof of a building. Superhero style, three point stance.

You look up.

A drone flies by, its video displaying in loud and colorful lettering “YOU ARE THE FUCKHEAD”. You’re worth five points. Instantly, more than just wolves come out of the darkness.

A large space marine with a mustache most glorious descends from the sky, steam rising from his facial hair and malicious intent in his eyes. Or maybe it’s the lasers that Hayes Hanlon is about to fire upon you. You dash towards him, sliding underneath his legs, and you keep running. You turn your head to look back, and its laser eyes cut through the air.

You find the roof access and get inside the building, barely escaping.

A hallway door flies open as you enter, and an anthropomorphic pineapple in a Soviet-themed T-shirt is being pursued by a man made of gold into an adjacent door. The man of gold is carrying a pair of scissors, a stuntman no doubt paying no heed to the old adage that you shouldn’t run with them.

You find the stairs going further down, and rush through the door. Halfway down to the next floor, you hear a noise above you. The door explodes off its hinges as a literal, bald-headed Terminator wordlessly marches down the stairs towards you. Its serial code reads: 407-SNOW. It does not feel fear or pity. It only seeks to hunt you.

You flee down the stairs. You have to leap over a weird man trying to serve you beef, and then you have to slide under an angry sad cowboy swinging a mean lariat before it removes your head from your body. You turn right, and there’s a green-clad man with a terrifying-looking spiked jolf club being swung on a chain ahead of you. You don’t hesitate. You turn left and you jump out the window.

You land on a cable and you slide down it on your feet, like you’re skating down. The woods that surrounded the building give way to a high cliff, overlooking a great mountain. The mountain looks like Mount Fuji, scenic and beautiful. You look down, because that’s what you do in this situation, and you realize that it’s a long, long way down.

You look to your right, there’s a fucking zeppelin with Soviet iconography on it, being piloted by Alexei Ruslan peddling his little legs out because it’s the only way it ever gains propulsion. A dozen Kennies Freeman from different parts of the multiverse aim their cannons at you, and they blow the cable to high hell.

You fall.

Surely, this is it, right?

It isn’t.

You land on a man in a jet pack, in mid flight. What great fortune!

This man has the name “FLEETWOOD” emblazoned on his helmet, and he is panicking. He panics even more when you rip the jetpack from his back and strap it to yourself, letting him fall to his certain doom. Don’t worry about him, God takes care of the stupid ones.

The zeppelin fires upon you, but you effortlessly fly through the explosions. It’s like you’ve done this before. As you fly, a second airship meets you on the horizon, captained by a luchador carrying a cutlass and dressed as a pirate. His first mate pulls out his own cutlass, this one made of hot dogs, and orders counter-fire upon the Red Army’s zeppelin.

You’re surrounded by explosions of all varieties. Red explosions, Skittles explosions, loose explosions. You fly through them as best as you can. The explosions catch other ships in the crossfire, and suddenly it’s an aerial debris field. You weave your way through everything, despite the fact that no normal person could. You’re the hunted, after all.

A man in loud pink wielding a Scottish claymore comes streaking through the sky on his own jet pack, cleaving several Kennies in half. He almost takes your head off, too, but you duck your head in time, causing you to descend back to the forest floor.

You arc through a battlefield, your parabella allowing you to see other theaters of combat. A howler monkey riding a lizard is terrorizing the battlefield, claiming necks and arms seemingly at will. They are stopped and grappled by a man made of diamonds. A ludicrously handsome man with an amazing skin care routine dashes through the ranks, before locking eyes with you. He leaps at you with a sword emblazoned by lightning, and you barely avoid it by beginning your ascent back to the chaos above you.

You dodge more debris as it rains down on the forest. Daytona Diamonds flies past on a flying jet ski, dragging a party boat of Whoresmen in his wake. MD Storm flies after them with dual submachine guns in both hands.

You see a titanic bear kaiju, nearly as tall as the mountain itself, rise into the air. It wears an ushanka and suspenders and nothing else. Before it can do anything, a giant bald octopus appears from the mountain and starts grappling with it.

You grit your teeth as you fly in their direction, but as you get near, one of the octopus’ tentacles swings too close to you and you’re knocked from the sky. You fall in a spiral, the jetpack failing you. You see the rocks coming, and you can’t do anything about it when you hit them. You fall, hit the ground, and lay unmoving.

Then, and only then, do you see the wolves coming.

The one in the T-shades leaps at you, and your vision goes black.

And then there’s two words on the screen.

GAME OVER.

The man at the joystick pounds his fist on the arcade machine’s dashboard in frustration.

?????: I told them I hated this game…

He shrugs his shoulders and turns to leave.

The camera pans upward at a picture of the Tokyo Dome.

It’s March 15th.

Welcome to Manhunt.

https://prime-wrestling.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/CS25-Night-2.mp4

Tokyo Dome.

March 15th, 2025.

Night Two of Culture Shock will begin imminently, and things are already taking shape. The entrance music of Blaze Claymore, the classic climatic score that is Ennio Morricone’s “Ecstasy of Gold”, blares through the arena as the Main Event struts down the aisle. It’s not exactly common to start a pay-per-view mid-entrance, but this event isn’t exactly a standard one, either.

Nick Stuart: Welcome to the Tokyo Dome! Welcome, everyone, to Night Two of Culture Shock! We have a massive show for you tonight! In just a few minutes’ time, we will begin the Manhunt Match!

Richard Parker: I can’t believe we’re not in a bunker for this. We need a bunker.

We cut to ringside. Nick Stuart and Richard Parker, PRIME’s Hall of Fame announce team, sits at their usual ringside commentary table. Nearby, MD Storm and Sage Pontiff are already jaw-jacking with one another, and it’s kind of a miracle that we have a referee there to keep them from starting the Manhunt early.

This referee is a Japanese man in tiny, tiny shorts and a referee’s shirt. He does not work for PRIME.

Nick Stuart: As you can see, PRIME has had to call far and wide for capable referees to handle the mayhem that’s going to unfold tonight.

Richard Parker: Why is this man’s pants so tiny!?

We cut to a referee smoking a cigar while checking his cell phone.

Nick Stuart: We also had to call Mark Shields.

Richard Parker: I’m not familiar.

Nick Stuart: Be thankful.

Claymore enters the ring, which is already half-full of some of PRIME’s premiere athletes. These include Jackson Cooley, Asher Creed, Bryan Dawkins and Kenny Freeman of the Red Army, Vae Victis’s Kerry Kuroyama and a psychedelic mummy who may or may not be whatever’s left of RIA after last night’s exploding ring deathmatch, and a disinterested Anna Daniels who’s taken up a perch on the top rope like some kind of gargoyle.

The lights go out, and Little V’s rendition of “Holding Out For A Hero” blares out of the PA system as Nobody’s Heroes – the group of the Anglo Luchador, Crash Jackson, and the Alias Champion Sebastian Gold walk out to a respectful applause from the Tokyo crowd.

Richard Parker: We’re going to be done with this night before we ever get through all of these entrances.

Nick Stuart: Yeah, um… about that…

Richard Parker: What?

As Gold, TAL, and Crash slide into the ring and try to get in the faces of Bryan Dawkins and Kenny Freeman much to the chagrin of Bang!’s senior referee, Ryuunosuke Doi, the PA system switches from “Holding Out For A Hero” to “Razzamatazz” by I DON’T KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME, which brings out two men and a piece of furniture.

The furniture is fabby, who walks out with a giant bag filled to bursting with various “jolf clubs”. This furniture is dressed in a cheap ash gray suit, except that he’s also covered in bandages. Some of those bandages are, in fact, covering parts of his suit. The two men who are not furniture are Joe Fontaine and FLAMBERGE, who make up half of the Glueminati and had participated in the tag title match the previous night.

Both men are all business tonight, which should be the normal waking state of most wrestlers, but it might be out-of-character considering that they’re dangerous weirdos and all.

They enter the ring – well, Joe and FLAMBO do, fabby stays on the floor because that’s where fabbies belong. On the floor.

Vince Howard stands at the center of all of this.

Vince Howard: Ladies and gentlemen, if I may have your attention please…

As Mr. Howard begins his introduction, one last entrance has to happen. The moment those first few guitar licks of the Eagles’ “Tryin’” hit, FLAMBERGE looks more bug-eyed than usual.

THE NEXT DIAMOND

NATE COLTON

Nate Colton steps out from behind the curtains to an applause from the Japanese crowd, and he marches to the ring. The moment he registers that FLAMBERGE is out there, his eyes lock in on the Neck Collector and they don’t leave.

Vince Howard: …You are not safe here. No one is.

It’s an unusually ominous call from Mr. Howard. One that catches a lot of attention.

Vince Howard: THIS! IS! MANHUNT!

Cheers.

Vince Howard: For the next hour, there are no rules. There are no limits! There are no eliminations! No matter where you are in the Tokyo Dome when the bell rings, if you are a member of the PRIME roster, you are a target!

Richard Parker: …That doesn’t include me, does it?

Nick Stuart: No.

Richard Parker: Thank God.

Colton enters the ring and attempts to make a beeline for FLAMBERGE, only for Joe Fontaine to step between them and referee “Soft Hands” Tsukuji to pull him back.

Vince Howard: For the next hour… FALLS! COUNT! ANYWHERE! Pinfalls and submissions count for three points per attempt. HOWEVER! Every two minutes, one member of the roster will be a marked man known as THE FUCKHEAD! Every pinfall on this individual is FIVE POINTS! You are NOT eliminated if you are pinned or made to submit, and will continue to fight for the duration of the match!

Richard Parker: (terrified) ONE HOUR!?

The large number of referees, both from PRIME and from Bang!, are already having trouble keeping the men out at ringside separated.

Vince Howard: Once the bell rings, regardless of whether you’re at ringside or not, Manhunt begins.

Nick Stuart: Meaning there will be pockets of people not at ringside who will slug it out as well.

Richard Parker: I get hazard pay for this, right?

Vince Howard: The individual with the most points at the end of Manhunt WILL BE THE WINNER, and will be guaranteed a shot at the Universal Championship!

Vince Howard stands at the eye of the storm, allowing his proclamation to resonate through the crowd of wrestlers who have gathered at ringside. They’re all raring to go. Pandemonium is ready to open up.

The longtime PRIME ring announcer turns to referee Jimmy Turnbull. He nods.

He gets the hell out of the ring.

The calm before the storm has passed. It’s now time for…

DING DING

0:00 – THE MOTHERFUCKING STORM

The moment the bell rings, the thirty-three mouths of Pandemonium open up and mayhem ensues.

The vast majority of PRIME’s roster takes the ringing of the bell as a cue that nothing good is going to happen and that they should start swinging. It’s chaos. It’s difficult to parse. Many fans in the Tokyo Dome are quick to realize that nobody is safe in the arena – even those that are just there to attend it.

One thing is for certain: haters do a lot of hatin’.

And when it comes to being a full-on hatin’ ass, nobody brings home the Olympic gold medal quite like FLAMBERGE. He immediately goes right after Nate Colton (that biiiiiiiiiitch) and throws him through the ropes, following after him. Colton lands on his feet and meets FLAMBERGE as he comes after him, duking it out in front of the guardrails. Colton boots FLAMBERGE off of him, but that’s only a temporary setback for the Lizard King as he runs back and launches himself at Colton, sending both men over the guardrail and into the crowd.

Nick Stuart: Manhunt begins, and we’ve got so much going on that it’s hard to keep track!

Richard Parker: I don’t feel safe out her—

Mr. Parker’s statement is interrupted when MD Storm launches a charging Sage Pontiff into the air, causing the Bodhisattva of the Transformative Experience to bounce face-first off of the American announce desk and causing Mr. Parker’s voice to shift up several octaves despite the resulting scream being very manly.

Richard Parker: EEEEEEEEK!!!

Nick Stuart: What was that?

Richard Parker: NOTHING!

Inside the ring, the number of people still inside have dwindled down to only a small handful. Kerry Kuroyama and RIA of Vae Victis stand back-to-back, fighting off a horde consisting mainly of the Red Army’s Bryan Dawkins and Kenny Freeman, the Poor Whoresmen’s Anna Daniels, and also Jackson Cooley. Ben Lynch is also part of this horde.

Well, sort of.

It’s more like he’s letting the other dweebs take the lead and getting repelled like pinballs, and only pretending to charge in after them before deciding he has something better to do. You know, like stomping on Asher Creed as he’s trying to get into the ring to escape the wrath of Steve Harrison. With the ring denied to him, Harrison smashes Creed into the guardrails, moving them several feet.

Checking up on Colton and FLAMBERGE real quick, the two of them have somehow already brawled their way towards the rows of bleachers used during baseball games in the Tokyo Dome. Fans scatter, not expecting the action to reach them quite as fast. Don’t worry, fans are going to scatter a lot by the end of this whole fiasco. Lynch is about to attack RIA from behind while she’s distracted by what’s going on, only to get grabbed by the feet and yanked out by Sebastian Gold.

Gold and Lynch start fighting, and that fight eventually leads them up the ramp. This allows them to join Gold’s teammate in Nobody’s Heroes, Crash Jackson, who is busy having a furious debate with Jason Snow about the quality of hot dogs. Said debate involves punching. One of the participants isn’t exactly up for talking, anyway. You know how it goes, and so does Bang! referee “Soft Hands” Tsukuji, a man who definitely enjoys hot dogs sometimes.

Outside of the ring, MD Storm charges in on Blaze Claymore, only to get launched into the air and dropped stomach-first on the guardrail. Claymore casually flips Storm over the guardrail and into the laps of several very worried Japanese fans who are definitely wondering if getting these front row tickets had been a good idea. Claymore spreads his arms and twirls before he launches into a strut.

Of course, when he finishes his strut, this peacock turns around and gets a yakuza kick to the face from Kerry Kuroyama.

Nick Stuart: WICKED yakuza kick from Kuroyama on Claymore!

Richard Parker: I was hoping we were done with those ever since we got rid of Avalon…

We’re not. It’s the first of many.

Mr. Claymore had the misfortune of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, as the former Alias champion had been outside of the ring chasing down Anna Daniels and Jackson Cooley. The Whoresman have a lot of taxes to pay, but the audit came for Blaze Claymore instead.

Kuroyama doesn’t even break stride after striking down “the Main Event”. He continues giving chase.

Why are Anna Daniels and Jackson Cooley, two individuals who have a mathematically inappropriate number of fucks to give at all times, running away from Kuroyama? Well, the answer is… They aren’t. They’re running towards something. That something?

His name is Joe Fontaine, and he is a fuck.

Joe Fontaine – and I guess we shouldn’t forget fabby here either because he’s also among the guys being chased – had attempted to sneak in a jolf club over the back of Jackson Cooley while he was trying to deal with RIA. Cooley took the nine-iron – that is, the normal steel chair – to the back. Cooley regarded this with the same sort of irritation you might find if a couple of ladybugs landed on your face, more insulted than ever hurt.

Richard Parker: Not a lot of mistakes are worse than that one, and that includes a lot of Jiles’ wardrobe.

Joe left, Cooley gave chase, and Daniels decided to help. Because Anna Daniels is bored already and kinda wants to kill everybody if it means PRIME dies with them. You know how it goes. That’s the whole chain of events that led to Blaze Claymore getting a boot in the face.

Got all of that? Good. Because we have so much more mayhem to get through.

Joe jumps the guardrail, and both Cooley and Daniels give chase. Or at least, Cooley does. Daniels? Daniels gets tripped almost casually by the Anglo Luchador, who quite literally sticks his leg out as she’s attempting to run past him. Daniels pratfalls to the ground and looks woefully pissed off about what just happened.

TAL shrugs his shoulders in a “did I do that?” kind of way.

In the ring, the numbers game has caught up to Kerry Kuroyama. Freeman gets him low as Kuroyama is coming back into the ring, latching onto his leg for dear life, and that lets Dawkins come in a-blastin’.

We cut backstage, where Manhunt has spilled from the stands and into the concourse. A lot of fans are having to give space for Nate Colton and FLAMBERGE as they continue fighting, a battle right in front of the Suntory Stadium Bar. FLAMBERGE gets a right hand, staggering Colton back towards Tokyo Potato. DEFIANCE referee Mark Shields lights up a cigarette as he watches this unfold, content that he doesn’t need to do a whole lot here besides walk around.

As they fight past the Tokyo Potato, the camera lingers there because there’s a very familiar man waiting in line there. Let’s just say that he casts a wide silhouette. As the camera lingers on him, the fans in the Tokyo Dome light up and cheer.

Because, well… Everyone knows who it is.

Nick Stuart: IT’S DEAAAAAAAANNNNN!!!

Richard Parker: (defeated tone) No…

Bobby Dean turns to acknowledge the camera. He smiles the smile of a man who’s going to enjoy some nice Tokyo Potato.

We cut backstage, where Ben Lynch and Sebastian Gold are brawling in front of catering, and PRIME referee Ashley Barlow is with them calling the action. Lynch grabs a plate of those funny little hot dogs with the toothpicks in them and slams it into the head of Gold.

He’s pretty happy with himself.

You know who isn’t happy about the catering getting fucked with, though?

An extremely large and proportionately angry Texan in a large cowboy hat slowly rises from his seat, directly behind where the plate had been just a second ago. Lynch is too busy feeling pretty good about himself about what he’d just done to Gold to notice him until Byrd grabs him from behind by his face and rips him over catering.

There is a lot of yelling before we cut elsewhere.

Where we cut to is the parking lot, and whom we cut to causes the otherwise patient Japanese fans to boo.

It’s Quinn Fleetwood, and he’s walking into the Tokyo Dome from the parking lot like he’s very late for the show. He probably isn’t. He’s probably thinking he can take his time and win this whole Manhunt thing rather leisurely.

Nick Stuart: Please tell me he’s not in this.

Oh, he is. And everyone else is about to find out, too, because… Well, look at the time!

3.

2.

1.

BONG.

The PRIMEview lights up, and a series of familiar PRIME faces rapidly appear on the video, as though everyone’s been put up on a wheel and being spun around. It eventually slows down and settles on…

2:00 – QUINN FLEETWOOD IS THE FUCKHEAD

Richard Parker: Uh oh.

Nick Stuart: I don’t think he knows that he’s the, uh… Well, the first one up.

He enters the building. He almost immediately regrets it.

Three men and a koala see him, and they all already heard the announcement over the PA system.

Those three men? Scott Hunter, Felix Mullen, and DEFIANCE referee Benny Doyle. The koala? Kerry Koalayama, who is currently latching on to Mr. Mullen’s screaming face while the other two are actually trying to help him. All parties stop what they’re doing and stare Mr. Fleetwood dead in the soul.

Quinn Fleetwood is a man full of incredibly foolish ambition, a man so full of pride that he cannot ever foresee a situation that he couldn’t fight out of despite the fact that his talent may never see the peak of his pride. Yet even knew, in this moment, as he stared at a koala latched on to a man’s face… that he might have walked into a situation that he’s not prepared for.

Richard Parker: …He knows now.

Kerry Koalayama removes himself from Felix’s face. That doesn’t matter. What matters is that for the first time we’ve seen Scott Hunter in PRIME, he looks like he has the instinct of a killer. Quinn only belatedly realizes that he’s in mortal danger, and throws a hard right hand in the direction of Hunter.

The Scott Hunter of yore might’ve taken that punch.

The Scott Hunter of today whirls around the punch like a goddamn ninja and hits Quinn with a spinning elbow to the temple so hard that he drops like a sack of bricks – messy and with some amount of potential property damage. Hunter drops into the cover and the longtime industry veteran Doyle quickly follows him down to make a cover.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE.

The PRIMEview lights up for everyone watching with a very shocking sight.

Scott Hunter – 5 points

Nick Stuart: SCOTT HUNTER IS THE FIRST MAN ON THE BOARD!

Richard Parker: HOW DID THAT HAPPEN!?

Nick Stuart: I’m receiving a note here… He hit Fleetwood with a move that he’s calling the Hunter’s Mark!

Now, Felix Mullen is not a fool.

I’m sorry, that was a sentence written in error. Felix Mullen is very much a fool.

It just so happens that he recognizes an opportunity when he sees one. After all, it’s how his podcast has gotten as far as it has! And he sees that the Fuckhead is down. He almost shoves Scott Hunter off of the fallen Fleetwood to cover him himself.

He only gets to two.

No, it’s not because Quinn Fleetwood regained consciousness and found the surge of energy he needed to kick out. Quinn Fleetwood is currently sleeping the sleep of the knocked the fuck out and will not be rejoining us just yet. It’s because Scott Hunter yanks him off and immediately rolls him into an omoplata.

Mullen doesn’t know what’s happening, but he suddenly can’t breathe and he’s begging someone to stop this with what little breath he has left.

And that, my friends, is how you submit.

Scott Hunter – 8 points

Richard Parker: Wha… what!?

Nick Stuart: That’s the Hunter’s Snare, and Scott Hunter has a commanding 8 point lead now!

Scott Hunter releases the submission, but doesn’t quite realize that he could probably keep pinning Fleetwood and rack up more points. The rules of Manhunt are perhaps unknowable even to him. Perhaps he assumes they’re both eliminated and that he should move on. Instead, he walks away and leaves Kerry Koalayama to reattach himself to Felix’s screaming face.

Speaking of the very non-koala version of the Emerald Apex, Kerry Kuroyama is escaping the clutches of the Red Army. He throws Dawkins to the outside, and then grabs a very unwilling Kenny Freeman up in the Judgement Bolt Bomb. Only, he doesn’t simply smash Freeman’s face on the canvas with it. Oh, no. He tosses him bodily over the top rope and on top of Dawkins.

That gives Kuroyama a moment to breathe and look up at the PRIMEview and…

…He’s perplexed.

He mouths the words “what the hell?” to himself as he sees who’s taken the lead in Manhunt. Perhaps he wonders if there’d been another, different Scott Hunter who’s entered Manhunt that he didn’t know about.

He decides he doesn’t have that much time to consider it. He slides to the outside to pursue a dazed Kenny Freeman, whom he tossed bodily over the guardrails. Dawkins attempts to put a stop to Kuroyama, but he’s launched into the air and dropped face-first on the steel stairs.

CRASH!

Over on the stage, a brawl between a battered and bruised Jason Snow and Crash Jackson’s brawl is fairly handily going in the veteran’s favor, but it’s interrupted when Steve Harrison interjects himself into things. He pushes Jackson out of the way, but Jackson takes the opportunity to turn what should’ve been a nasty spill into a deadly aerial maneuver when he wipes out MD Storm on the floor with a somersault dive.

Nick Stuart: Watch out for flying Crashes!

Richard Parker: A flying Crash, what an oxymoron that is.

Almost as soon as Snow is done with Crash, he gets into it with Harrison on the stage, and their fight continues through the curtains and to the backstage area.

Crash pulls MD Storm up and gets him into a inside cradle. It takes a little bit of time before referee Jimmy Turnbull sees this and makes the cover.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Crash Jackson – 3 points

Nick Stuart: Crash Jackson is on the board!

Richard Parker: Why are all of the idiots scoring points!? What’s going on!?

Crash leaves the cradle and celebrates like he’s won the Olympics or something. MD Storm looks bewildered at what just happened, but as he sees Crash celebrating, he sneaks in behind him and grabs a rollup of his own!

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

MD Storm – 3 points

Nick Stuart: MD Storm evened up those points!

Richard Parker: I thought he was eliminated!

Nick Stuart: No one is eliminated from Manhunt, Rich. Everyone is here from beginning to end.

Richard Parker: That seems unwise, who would make this match?

An owl nonchalantly flutters in and perches itself on Richard Parker’s shoulder. Richard looks up at it nervously, staring up at its eyes full of murder.

Richard Parker: …Nevermind.

Outside of the ring, Kerry Kuroyama is still fighting off Bryan Dawkins. Behind him, Kenny Freeman is convalescing against the guardrail. A lot of the participants of the Manhunt that’d started in the ring had cleared out by now, perhaps looking for where Quinn Fleetwood had fallen. Many had started fighting in the crowd or taken it backstage, leaving Kuroyama with the Red Army.

Out in the bleachers, Sage Pontiff is wandering around looking for a fight. His fists are clenched. He finds a willing taker in Jackson Cooley, and the two of them exchange a lot of fists. The fight spills out into the second floor concourse, where their brawl happens to cross paths with the ongoing brawl between Nate Colton and FLAMBERGE.

Nothing seems like it’s changed much between the two longtime eternal blood enemies. Colton punches and FLAMBERGE staggers backwards a few feet, then Colton moves in aggressively and FLAMBERGE boots him and pushes him further along. The two of them reach the revolving doors, and do not at all heed the sign that says “please enter revolving doors one person at a time”. They pile in and start punching each other right out of the Tokyo Dome.

DEFIANCE referee Mark Shields, who has somehow procured a drink from the Santory Stadium Bar, sighs and follows behind them at a leisurely pace.

Richard Parker: Um. Do falls count outside of the Tokyo Dome, too?

Nick Stuart: Vince Howard did say that “falls count anywhere”, so he wasn’t exactly specific.

Richard Parker: Please have a fall on the log flume, please have a fall on the log flume…

The camera lingers as it watches those three leave the building. As they disappear, two move individuals are running past as though it’s a chase. One is Anna Daniels. She’s the pursuer. The huntress. The one who will, in fact, fuck some heads. Especially the heads of fuckheads. Fuckception. The pursued is Blaze Claymore, who is doing his best to survive Manhunt as much as possible, and Anna Daniels is very much counterintuitive to the whole “surviving Manhunt” thing.

Also, Anna Daniels may or may not have a knife. We didn’t really get a good look before she disappeared off-camera. Since she resides in Australia, we’re assuming it’s a giant bowie knife and not, like… a bitch knife or something.

Richard Parker: I’m starting to think that this wasn’t a good idea.

Bobby Dean walks by with a plate of Tokyo Potato fries, and then his eyes light up as he looks off of the left side of the screen in the direction he’s walking.

Bobby Dean: Oh, HOTDOG! My favorite!

He leaves. He does not elaborate that HOTDOG is tied with a lot of things for his favorite.

We cut backstage, where Quinn Fleetwood is just now stirring after being knocked out by Scott Hunter for a few moments. Mullen has clearly crawled away, but Benny Doyle is still there. Fleetwood manages to stagger to his feet, and his hand reaches for the door like he’s going to make a run for it.

The door swings open and he gets booted in the gut. A moment later…

Nick Stuart: THAT’S… THAT’S A FLASHPOINT!

The sudden sitout jawbreaker rocks Fleetwood, and his attacker – Hayes Hanlon – casually puts one foot on his chest. Doyle drops down for the cover.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Hayes Hanlon – 5 points

Richard Parker: Hayes Hanlon’s here!

Hanlon is still battered and bruised from his war with Jason Snow last night. His anger is still palpable after that encounter, even though he’d been victorious. He contemptuously gets up off of Fleetwood and grabs Doyle by the referee’s shirt. He clearly wants him to follow him and to leave Fleetwood to convalesce on the ground.

Nick Stuart: Hanlon’s on a warpath, and he wants Benny Doyle to follow him for it!

Richard Parker: I don’t want to be anywhere near Hayes Hanlon. Or anyone in this match, really.

The timer ticks down on the PRIMEview.

3.

2.

1.

BONG.

Once again, a wheel of faces appears on the PRIMEview. Round and round it goes, and where it stops… Well, it stops on the beautiful smiling face of one of PRIME’s best boys. And when Vince Howard makes the announcement, we cut to that same beautiful face. It is not smiling. It’s grim, for even he knows he’s about to become a wanted man.

4:00 – SCOTT HUNTER IS THE FUCKHEAD

Richard Parker: Oh no.

Perhaps the one salvation that Scott Hunter has is that he’s alone when it comes to Manhunt participants, having found himself in the locker room area after his unexpected thrashing of Fleetwood and Mullen.

This doesn’t last.

There’s a group of PRIME stars coming through in a brawl of their own, with Bang! referee “Hot Pants” Shiraishi following along beside them. One of them is Chandler Tsonda, who isn’t so much brawling as he is following along with Shiraishi and exchanging a couple of beauty tips with him. After all, Shiraishi isn’t exactly called “Hot Pants” just for his choice in pants. The actual fighting is being done between Anna Daniels, the Anglo Luchador, Asher Creed, and Seán O’Neill.

If you’re wondering, O’Neill had been preparing for the match in the locker room for some time, and didn’t quite realize that the match just starts the moment the bell rings – whether you’re at ringside or not. When the fighting erupted, he went to check up on things, and then got caught up in this particular bit of nonsense. Fists are flying between him and Daniels, while TAL and Creed are going toe-to-toe.

Hunter sees all of this, and he knows that everyone knows that he’s the marked man.

So he dips. With all due haste.

Nick Stuart: Scott Hunter wants no part of that mess.

Richard Parker: I don’t think Scott Hunter’s opinion matters here.

Fortunately for Scott, most of that mess didn’t notice him. Unfortunately for Scott, “most” does not mean “all”. Chandler Tsonda is ever-watchful and has caught Hunter in the corner of his eye. It takes him a few moments for him to connect the name “Scott Hunter” to his face (because when have you ever known Chandler to remember people?), but once he realizes that he’d seen the Fuckhead, he gives chase and drags Shiraishi with him.

It doesn’t take long before the two of them – plus Shiraishi – wind up in the first floor concourse.

Now, Scott Hunter knows he’s being pursued. He’s literally named “Hunter”, and a hoonter must hoont. He ducks into the safest place he could find, a literal sanctuary where no violence can happen because it’s the closest thing he knows to be holy ground.

The fact that the sign says “TACO BELL” should be all of the information you need about this holy ground.

Nick Stuart: Oh no.

The owl on Richard Parker’s shoulder flies off, clearly alarmed.

Richard Parker: I don’t think he’s supposed to be there.

He’s not.

It’s Manhunt, though, so y’know how things go.

Tsonda hears the commotion from the Taco Bell as Hunter ducks inside, so he takes referee Shiraishi with him.

Hunter is prepared to go down fighting, though, and he picks up a pan. It’s probably hot and full of meat, but he doesn’t care. He’s a cornered Scott, and that’s more dangerous than a fox. Or a multiple-time PRIME champion and Hall of Famer. One of the two.

Something happens, though, that catches Scott and Tsonda off-guard.

Nick Stuart: Wait, what the…

Someone emerges from the air vent behind Scott Hunter. He wears full camouflage. He is at a height that is comfortable in small spaces. He, too, is a multiple-time PRIME champion and a Hall of Famer.

He is also a fuck.

Richard Parker: TONY GAMBLE!?

Before Scott Hunter has any idea of what’s behind him, Gamble hits him right in the nuts with an uppercut from behind and then uses his body to trip him up into a school boy rollup.

Tsonda is too startled by what’s going on to stop Shiraishi from doing his duty and making the count.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Tony Gamble – 5 points

Like a thief in the night, Tony Gamble scurries back into the air vents and is gone. Chandler Tsonda stands there for a few lingering moments, taking in what just happened. Blinking, almost. Finally, he says what we’re all thinking.

Chandler Tsonda: That motherfucker.

?????: Wow, that is the very sus.

Richard Parker: Who the…!?

We cut back to the announce desk. Nick Stuart is there, as professional as ever. Richard Parker is there too, slightly less professional. And sitting next to Richard Parker in a ridiculous fake beard and mustache, wearing an oversized beret that clearly has a wig attached to it, is a man. This man also wears a really shitty brown overcoat that looks like it’d been pilfered straight from Alexei Ruslan’s closet and given a complete hobo makeover. Awkwardly, he’s wearing his headset behind his head and he’s holding on to a second headset so that he can actually talk to his newfound broadcast partners.

This man is Joe Fontaine.

He is going to claim that he is not Joe Fontaine, but it is Joe Fontaine. Remember how he fled Jackson Cooley earlier? Well, he lost him by donning this disguise. Ssh, don’t tell him, or the fire truck that once went up his Sarlaac pit.

Nick Stuart: Why are you here, Joe?

Richard Parker: Yeah, get out, the last thing we need is for you to become the Fuckhead while you’re sitting with us.

The man who is definitely Joe Fontaine casts a wild-eyed look to the Hall of Fame commentary duo, and begins speaking in an accent that would be very difficult to place. It sounds like an American’s attempt at an east European accent if he visited zero dialect coaches in his life and didn’t know a single east European person either. You know, despite the rather sizable contingent of Russians in PRIME. It’s bad. That’s what we’re trying to say about this.

Joe Fontaine(?): I am not the Joe Fontaine, I am the Foe Jontaine. Much different, yes?

Richard Parker: Abso-fucking-lutely not.

Foe Jontaine(?): Oh look, it is the Sage Pontiff.

Oh, right.

Before Chandler Tsonda even has time to take advantage of Scott Hunter’s vulnerable state, the Taco Bell is flooded with individuals coming after Scott Hunter. Sage Pontiff vaults over the counter and hits Tsonda with a kick on the way down. Pontiff looks like a man thoroughly at peace in this Taco Bell, because it’s a place where he can break something beautiful.

His peace is thoroughly shattered when Asher Creed comes in clubbing Pontiff in the back as he’s recovering from the kick and starts unloading on him with right hands. Pontiff relishes this, though, and lets some fists fly of his own. Before this fight can get too hot and heavy, Seán O’Neill comes in behind both of them and starts hitting everyone with a tray. He’s only stopped when Tsonda kicks him in the gut and hits him with an elbow.

Tsonda turns to deal with Scott Hunter, but Hunter escapes out the back before he could take any sort of beating that Chandler or anyone else is willing to dish out. Tsonda curses and chases after him.

The camera pans out of the Taco Bell, and to a man staring up at the sign. This man is in a green and purple luchador mask.

An owl lands on the counter, and stares at him.

The luchador shakes his head.

The Anglo Luchador: I am not going in there.

Let’s check up on catering.

Ben Lynch has barely escaped what happened to him in catering, but he has the look of a man who spent about two minutes getting mollywhopped by a gigantic angry Texan before he managed to escape. He still hears the roars of the Texan behind him, specifically the ones that are using all of the fun fuckwords, and visibly decides that he’s better off doing literally anything else.

He rubs his sore face as he comes across Jason Snow and Steve Harrison.

There’s not a lot of science behind what the longest-reigning Universal champion in history and the Miracle Man are doing. Science is out the window, and mathematics haven’t been welcomed in these halls since Anna Daniels straight-up murdered Nicholas Pfefferman in cold blood that one time and we didn’t arrest her or anything because how do you arrest a Time Lord, anyhoodle… the point is that Jason Snow and Steve Harrison are beating the shit out of each other.

Lynch stops what he’s doing and observes what’s happening.

Snow’s got a lot of experience in the shit-beating department, and he’s got Harrison on the proverbial ropes. Harrison gets in a good lick or two, but he’s struggling in the fight and it’s not helped by the fact that Jason Snow absolutely does not fight fair and he’s here to hurt people.

Harrison is only saved by the timely arrival of Jack Marley, who throws himself on top of Jason Snow in a cruel simulacrum of an attempt at a sleeperhold. It’s cruel because Mr. Marley has no idea what he’s doing.

Foe Jontaine(?): Ah, this is the much mistake I see. Very much mistake!

Nick Stuart: Please stop talking like that.

Foe Jontaine(?): I know not what you speak, yes?

Richard Parker: Please stop. In general.

Harrison sees this unfold and is unsure what to do about what’s going on, but he knows he needs to take a step back from Snow and recover.

Snow whips Mr. Marley off of his body like he’s shedding an old coat, and he lands right at the feet of Ben Lynch.

Lynch is a lot of things, and cunning is one of them. He sees that there’s no referee. He sees there’s a silent murder golem staring daggers at him. Marley is not a participant in Manhunt but Lynch is, and Lynch very quickly performs the calculus in his head that this is not an ideal situation.

So he does what anyone would in this situation.

He stomps Jack Marley right in the face and takes off running.

Jason Snow makes no sound. His facial expression does not change.

He simply pursues.

We immediately cut to Crash Jackson, who has been joined at the top of the stage by Sebastian Gold.

After his altercation with Ben Lynch in catering, Sebs managed to find his stablemate Crash. The two stand at the top of the ramp, staring daggers at two men standing outside of the ring – the Red Army’s Bryan Dawkins and Kenny Freeman. If you’re wondering where Kerry Kuroyama went, the Emerald Apex leapt into the crowd to go find Scott Hunter the moment he’d been announced as the Fuckhead and save his goddamn life.

Gold and Crash take one step forward.

Freeman and Dawkins take one of their own.

Nick Stuart: It looks like we’re about to pick right up right the hell off from where we were on ReVival 64!

Four men run at each other with hate in their hearts and fists aimed for their enemies’ faces. They meet at the midpoint between stage and ring, and the fight quickly moves back towards the ring. Gold throws Dawkins into the guardrails and batters him with punches before Dawkins reverses the situation and does the same. Crash and Freeman fight closer to the ring, and Crash is winning that fight.

The battle between the Red Army and Nobody’s Heroes eventually reaches the ring, where “Soft Hands” Tsukuji awaits.

However, something has to change. The fates demand it. Well, the fates… and the passage of time.

3.

2.

1.

BONG.

The PRIMEview lights up once again. A wheel of beautiful friends appears, and around and around they go. The face that the end of this spin reveals is one that… is already in the ring. He will be at the center of the next two minutes of a great shitstorm.

6:00 – CRASH JACKSON IS THE FUCKHEAD

God help him.

Richard Parker: (muttering) Dammit, it’s not Joe Fontaine…

Foe Jontaine(?): You have much of the disdain for this Fontaine, is bad for heart.

Richard Parker: (screams internally)

Sebastian Gold and Crash Jackson had both fended off the Red Army, if only temporarily, leaving both men stunned in opposing corners. Both see who the new Fuckhead is. Both give each other knowing looks. They give each other a fist bump.

And then they run in to give Bryan Dawkins and Kenny Freeman hell. Gold’s fists fly into Dawkins and Crash’s do the same to Freeman.

Regardless of who the Fuckhead is, the Red Army has hell to pay and the audit’s coming due.

We cut to the outside of the Tokyo Dome.

It’s a beautiful evening. The dusk is slowly drifting to night. Cyclists are passing by innocuously. Salarymen are waiting for their bus to get back home after a long day at work. A French lizard man and a cornfed Indiana boy are beating the absolute fucking shit out of each other on a bridge overlooking the 434 next to the Tokyo Dome, and seem to be on their way to the LaQua Area.

And neither man looks like they’re going to stop doing this.

Foe Jontaine(?): I hope the Nate Colton has bad time, yes! FLAMBERGE number one in home country!

Richard Parker: While I generally agree with the sentiment, I’d appreciate it if you stop.

Nick Stuart: And I suddenly wish that owl would come back.

Richard Parker: Hey, let’s not say things we can’t take back.

FLAMBERGE and Nate Colton are consumed by the all-encompassing power of mutual disdain and their fists. They make for quite the powerful perpetual motion engine together. At a safe and comfortable distance behind them, DEFIANCE’s Mark Shields is getting lit the fuck up on Santory, because at this point, being super inebriated is probably the only way he’s making it through the boredom of watching these two literally take that “fight forever” chant seriously.

We now cut to the backstage area again, where Hayes Hanlon is on a warpath.

He’s pushing staff out of his way with his free hand while dragging poor Benny Doyle behind him, clearly seeking a fight. An Enemigo goes flying, I think it’s XVII. Poor XVII, he’s not been the same since the Catapult Incident of ‘08.

Finally, Hanlon stops.

You’d swear he’s gone full anime again with how much steam seems to erupt from his mustache. There are only three men participating in Manhunt who could possibly elicit this type of reaction out of Home Run Hanlon, and two of them have not actually shown up for the match yet. The other?

Why, that’s Jason Snow.

We don’t yet know where Ben Lynch ran off to when escaping the Original Villain, and that will be a surprise you and I will find out later. But right now, the now-former Intense champion stares daggers at his Night One opponent. Less than 24 hours removed from their war over the Intense championship, it already looks like we’re renewing some hostilities. Snow is here to harm people. Hanlon is also here to harm people.

They run at each other and collide, and…

…

…

Nick Stuart: …I think we lost the feed on that Snow and Hanlon encounter.

Richard Parker: What!?

Foe Jontaine(?): I like how… What is word? Anime? I like how the anime the Hayes Hanlon is.

Richard Parker: Please, st– Wait.

We cut to the broadcast desk. Everything is still the same. Nick Stuart, professional. Richard Parker, slightly less. Joe Fontaine, ridiculous. There is another man standing just behind Fontaine, and he wasn’t there before. He is a man in a shitty ash gray suit and a golden mask. Over his shoulder is a giant, oversized bag containing several, uh… Well, we call them “jolf clubs”, but they’re all specialty steel chairs designed and built by Joe Fontaine and definitely not OSHA safe. Oh, but this is definitely not the Fabulous Gold Mask because he’s wearing a pompadour wig on his head.

Richard Parker: …When did fabby get here?

Okay, we lied, that’s totally the Fabulous Gold Mask.

Foe Jontaine(?): Do not worry about the fabby.

Richard Parker: I don’t, normally. So, is his smell…

Foe Jontaine(?): Yes. It is as you think.

Let’s go visit the front of the Tokyo Dome. As a treat.

Anna Daniels is on the hunt. She might have a knife. It might be the third-worst thing Anna Daniels can have after a bazooka and a shitty neck tattoo. She is not resting until she’s literally murdered at least one person during Manhunt. Unfortunately for Blaze Claymore, he’s been her quarry for the past few minutes, since she knows him and kinda wants to stab him.

They’re not alone out in front of the Dome. RIA’s found her way out here, having seen Daniels and her knife and growing a little concerned. She’s not good health-wise after her war with Daniels’ fellow Whoresman, Fred Dick, but she’s still here and ready for a fight. Speaking of folks ready for a fight, Jackson Cooley is also joining the procession of people finding their way outside of the Dome. As is Scott Hunter, because this is where he escaped after the Taco Bell incident. Not that Taco Bell incident. Different one.

The moment Cooley sees Hunter, his face lights up. He hasn’t heard the announcement that Crash Jackson’s the Fuckhead, he clearly still thinks it’s Hunter. He looks around for a referee, and finds one in Ashley Barlow. He then rushes after Hunter and clubs him from behind. He quickly stacks Hunter up, grabbing the trunks.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Jackson Cooley – 3 points

Richard Parker: Now that weirdo Cooley is on the board!

Cooley throws his hands up in celebration like he’d just won the whole match. He hasn’t, of course. He’s barely registering on the leaderboard, actually. Hunter rolls back over to his feet and immediately blasts Cooley in the face with an elbow strike straight out of Sagat’s moveset. Like, his standing MP. Cooley drops to the ground hard, though he is laughing the whole way down.

Hunter isn’t able to follow up, though, because another man has found himself in the fracas outside. That’s Seán O’Neill. Seán attacks Hunter, not because he thinks he’s the Fuckhead, but because he was the first person he saw that he could fight.

They fight, with O’Neill throwing some serious stank on his European uppercuts and Hunter answering with his own deadly strikes. Hunter’s slight size advantage and his sheer thickheaded brutishness gives him the advantage in this exchange, but then Cooley pops up and attacks both of them with punches and kicks. The three of them start brawling their way back into the arena, each taking turns trying to ruin each other’s faces with a blow as they do so.

Nick Stuart: Everything still feels pretty even early on, not a lot of points going on. Which is why Scott Hunter is still in first place.

In the ring, Crash Jackson has Kenny Freeman stunned, and he’s going up to the top rope. It looks like he might be aiming for the Crash Dot Com, which would definitely give Jackson some more points.

Foe Jontaine(?): Gentlemen, it is honor, yes?

The sound of two headsets hitting the ground is heard. This is followed up by the sudden appearance of a man in a terrible disguise jumping up onto the apron and knocking Jackson off of the top rope. Jackson is stunned as the man immediately enters the ring and rolls him up.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Joe Fontaine – 5 points

Sebastian Gold tries to get in the ring to stop Joe, but two things stop him from doing this. The first is that Joe scrambles out of the ring, clearly upset about getting pinned like that. The second is Bryan Dawkins blindsiding Gold with a cheapshot. With Gold stunned, Joe and fabby both make their escape from the ringside area.

Meanwhile, in the ring, Kenny Freeman takes advantage of Crash’s confusion by rolling him up.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Kenny Freeman – 5 points

Richard Parker: Crash Jackson is not having a good time out there!

Nick Stuart: It’s the problem with being the target in Manhunt! Everyone’s coming after you!

Freeman jumps into the air and celebrates, miming the tooting of his own horn. It’s the most excited that Kenny’s been in a minute. He’s so excited that he doesn’t even notice that Crash Jackson had only been stunned, not knocked unconscious. Freeman turns, no doubt looking for more points, and runs into a superkick from Jackson.

Nick Stuart: WIDE LEFT!

Unlike Scott Norwood, this kick lands true. Kenny takes the blow, and collapses backwards through the ropes like a tree blown over by the wind and into a wind tunnel.

While Jackson is denied the points of this, one man who isn’t is Sebastian Gold. After Gold stuns Dawkins by stungunning him against the ring apron, he folds up Freeman for the pin.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Sebastian Gold – 3 points

Nick Stuart: The Alias Champion is on the board!

Richard Parker: You can really tell that there’s a wide gulf between pinning someone normally and pinning the Fuckhead. Sebs over here needs to pin like three more Kennies Freeman just to catch up to that Scott Hunter idiot.

It’s still early. Dawkins recovers enough to try and slide in to take advantage of Gold’s distraction, but Sebs grabs him by the leg to prevent him from entering the ring.

As the battles rage on in and out of the Tokyo Dome area… the countdown hits again.

3.

2.

1.

BONG.

Round and round she goes, that wonderful wheel of wrestle-hoes. Where it stops, no one knows… until now. The wheel settles on a man who will not consider this any sort of miracle whatsoever. It settles on the one favored by the Octopus. It settles on…

8:00 – STEVE HARRISON IS THE FUCKHEAD

Nick Stuart: Now we’ve got Harrison marked!

Richard Parker: Where is Harrison?

It’s a question on the mind of everyone still in the Tokyo Dome.

Dawkins chooses this moment to pull his dazed comrade from the ring and whisper something in his ear. Gold and Crash now stand in the ring as a united force, standing back-to-back and awaiting the Red Army’s attack. It doesn’t come. Freeman and Dawkins both start exiting the ringside area to a chorus of boos. Dawkins even shoves his hand in the air in the universal gesture of “fuck this, we out”.

Gold and Crash are not accepting of this, and they chase after them.

We cut backstage outside of a particular locker room, where there is a loud commotion. This locker room has one word printed on it in cardboard that’s been, uh… glued to the door. You know, branding.

This is the Gluite.

Nick Stuart: That’s where Cecilworth is, isn’t it?

Richard Parker: It is!

The new Universal champion, Cecilworth Farthington, is twenty-four hours removed from his war with Ivan Stanislav over the Universal Championship. No doubt, he knows that Manhunt is going on right now. No doubt, he’s gearing up to get out there and start racking up the points. So, let’s check up on what he’s doing real quick, and…

…Oh.

Oh no.

Oh dear.

You may remember Gary Gartholomew, long-feared rumormonger of PRIME’s illustrious Rumor Mills. If you don’t, imagine a mousey-looking nerd in big dumb glasses, long black hair, and a deerstalker hat. If you do, then we’re all very sorry, Gary was raised by wolves and all. Anyway, we join Gary in the Gluite being viciously mauled by a spindly howler monkey who is yelling at him very articulately and not at all like a howler monkey.

Cecilworth Farthington: (UNINTELLIGIBLE!!!)

Like that.

Does the thought that a member of staff isn’t actually considered a part of the Manhunt match cross the Financier’s mind? Is Cecilworth even in his right mind? Does he know that Gary has been tapping out for like half a minute already and might not have an arm that belongs to him any more?

The answer to all of these questions is “no”, of course.

All arms in Manhunt are now forfeit, I suppose.

A few officials get into the Gluite to try and get Cecilworth off of Gary. All this changes is who the howler monkey latches on to. Cecilworth releases a teary-eyed, tortured Gary and immediately locks a kimura on the nearest official.

He goes down screaming.

Nick Stuart: That’s a fine, probably.

Richard Parker: Cecilworth can afford it. Probably. Universal champion money.

We cut to Steve Harrison, who is walking in a half-stagger through the first floor concourse. The fight with Jason Snow had taken a lot out of the Miracle Man, but he’s slowly recovering from that. More importantly, Harrison knows that he’s a wanted man in these parts.

He stops when he locks eyes with the Anglo Luchador as he walks in front of the Potamelt.

And he freezes when Sage Pontiff, Asher Creed, and Chandler Tsonda stop what they’re doing – fighting each other, probably – and start making their way to Harrison as well.

Harrison mutters the words “ah, son of a bitch” under his breath as he turns around and sees Jimmy Turnbull approaching with a staggering Quinn Fleetwood looking like death warmed over and a Felix Mullen who still has Kerry Koalayama attached to his face.

Nick Stuart: Steve Harrison is going to need a miracle to get out of this one.

What happens next is a mugging. Harrison tries to fight out of it, but there’s too many mans and not enough arms to punch the mans. TAL, Pontiff, Creed, Tsonda, and Fleetwood all jump in with punches and kicks, beating the Miracle Man down to the ground in a hailstorm of blows. Felix Mullen is trying to join in, but he’s just punching and kicking air since… Well, you know.

Things look grim, but then…

Richard Parker: Wait, what’s that sound?

It’s the sound of Jack Marley, who has somehow survived his encounter with Jason Snow and Ben Lynch with little more than a small trickle of blood from his nose, screaming at the top of his lungs.

Jack Marley: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Marley jumps right into the fray. Literally, by leaping right into the pile. This knocks everyone over except Mullen, since Mullen’s now swinging his fists in the air about five meters away from everyone else. He might be screaming “die, air!” as he does it. We don’t know, he’s a bit muffled. You know, because face-koala.

Marley flails his arms at Sage Pontiff in particular, who regards this windmill of blows with a serene bemusement. Marley inevitably gets tired and slowly stops, and it dawns on him that Pontiff hasn’t budged an inch. Pontiff smiles serenely… because he knows that the punch he delivers next is close to Nirvana.

Marley falls head over heels and lands in the waiting arms of Asher Creed, who delivers a spinning spinebuster on the concourse floor better known as…

Nick Stuart: EDEN’S WRATH FROM CREED!

Richard Parker: Is this guy even in Manhunt!? I’m so confused!

He isn’t.

The Anglo Luchador grabs hold of Marley like he’s peeling him up off the ground. Maybe he’s helping. I wouldn’t think so considering the wrist control he’s got on Marley, but you never know. Just when it looks like he might let Marley go with a little push, he yanks on Marley’s wrist and pulls him into a…

Nick Stuart: DRIIIIIIZLEMAKER!

…right cross to the face. Marley drops like he’s hot. Quinn Fleetwood stomps on him a little. You know, as a treat. He’s got a lot of frustration right now.

It’s around this time that all participants look around and realize something terrible.

Harrison got away.

Creed, Pontiff, and TAL all shrug their shoulders, and then they start fighting each other while Fleetwood continues stomping on Marley. Felix Mullen, meanwhile, has now declared air and koalas both to be his mortal enemy.

We cut to Ellis Jackson.

He is laughing hysterically.

Ellis Jackson: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA–

We cut to Harrison, again.

Harrison has thus far survived a lot of encounters as the Fuckhead. His time is almost at an end. Sure, referee Andy Chase has found his way to him, but that’s okay. All he has to do is ride this out for a little bit longer, and he might be able to find some time to recov–

He hears an air vent open up behind him.

He doesn’t even have time to comprehend what’s about to happen before he’s rolled up.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Harrison kicks out too late, and he barely sees a camouflaged man of below-average size scurry back into the air vent from whence he came just as he gets to his knees and looks around to find out what just happened. And that means…

Tony Gamble – 10 points

Nick Stuart: Tony Gamble has taken the lead in Manhunt!

Richard Parker: Oh my god. It’s the tallest he’s ever been in anything.

Harrison is not happy about this turn of events. Fortunately, he is about to get his wish to no longer be the Fuckhead, because the countdown hits…

3.

2.

1.

BONG.

The PRIMEview comes alive, even if no wrestler is presently at ringside to see that the wheel of fate is turning. And where it stops is on a hard-luck Irishman who just needs one chance to finally shed a lot of underwhelming labels about his career.

But he has to live through this first.

10:00 – SEÁN O’NEILL IS THE FUCKHEAD

The air shifts slightly in the ongoing battle between Jackson Cooley and Seán O’Neill.

Part of it is that the two of them have, in the past two minutes, shed Scott Hunter from the ongoing brawl and left him on the second floor concourse. More accurately, Cooley had kicked him right square in the wingwongs and left him in a fetal position on the ground. Don’t worry, he will recover.

Part of it is that the brawl between them has found its way to the premium balcony up on the third floor.

And part of it is that Cooley and O’Neill heard the announcement. If anyone knew where Seán O’Neill is at present time, the wolves would descend upon him. There is now a large contingent of individuals who are, in fact, looking for the Irishman. Fans who had been sitting patiently in the seating just in front of the second floor concourse now found themselves painfully close to this fighting, and many of them scatter into a circle around the brawling brutes.

Richard Parker: Where are they?

Nick Stuart: I believe that’s the second floor concourse of the Tokyo Dome…

Back and forth, Cooley and O’Neill go. In the ring, the battle between a supreme technical specialist like O’Neill and a roughneck hardcore specialist like Cooley should favor O’Neill. This is not the ring, though, and Cooley’s been in more than a few tough fights over the years.

Case in point, let’s talk about the fact that Mr. Cooley is currently taking a beating in the lap of some middle-aged Japanese housewife unfortunate enough to not be able to move and get out of the way of any of this. Under normal circumstances, maybe Jackson would take this beating. Maybe he’d just let this happen. The lady behind him’s having fun, right? O’Neill’s really hitting him, too. There might be a little bit of blood coming out of his head.

Instead, Cooley’s hands grab a bottle next to her.

In the movies, bottles break on impact because they’re made of sugar glass. They’re props, designed to do prop things. This one? Yeah, no, this one just thunks against O’Neill’s head. If the bottle had been full, that blow might have been more than his human skull could take.

O’Neill slumps to the ground, and Cooley leaps from the lap of the housewife and goes for the cover.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Jackson Cooley – 8 points

Nick Stuart: Cooley’s got more points, but that bottle to the head couldn’t have been good for Seán O’Neill.

Richard Parker: You think?

It’s about to get a whole lot worse.

Cooley is not done with Seán O’Neill. Well, okay, he’s done with him, but he’s not done harming him. There’s a wild look in his eyes. It’s the look of a man who might not entirely know how Manhunt works and is just there for violence. Cooley pulls O’Neill to his feet, and drags him over to the balcony. Below them, there’s a path leading into “Gorumet Street”, the first floor concourse. Cooley says a few words to him…

…and then throws him over the fucking railing.

Nick Stuart: NO! NO!

Richard Parker: Jesus Christ!

There’s a lot of horrified screams coming from everywhere, and not just commentary. There’s no good way to take that landing uninjured, and O’Neill lands hard. There’s no tables below. No padding. Nothing but concrete. Cooley stands with his arms outstretched, at the edge of the balcony, and absorbs the horrified reactions of everyone near him.

Nick Stuart: We need help out here!

Richard Parker: We’re ten minutes in and we might have already had an actual homicide, Nick!

Referee Ryuunosuke Doi is first on the scene, having immediately rushed down the stairs and to where O’Neill lies unmoving on the ground. He’s still breathing, so that’s good.

Cooley starts to go down the stairs, intent on adding to his total. However, a medical team quickly gets on the scene, and Cooley stands irate that he’s not being allowed to pursue the Fuckhead, which would put him into the lead if he got the pin. He stands there arguing with Doi – who can speak fluent English and knows all of the fuckwords Cooley is using – as we cut to the area outside of the LaQua building.

Things have, well… Progressed. In a manner of speaking.

Blaze Claymore’s merry chase with Anna Daniels has taken a turn. Which is to say, it’s taken a turn to a Baskin Robbins found just under the Big O ferris wheel. There, the two of them stop their not-actually-merry chase and realize that FLAMBERGE and Nate Colton are still trying to punch each other to death. Because, y’know… that’s just what those two are going to do. They could do this to each other all fucking night if they could.

Daniels and Claymore are soon joined by two other arrivals, one of whom we hadn’t seen in some time. The one we hadn’t seen in a while is MD Storm, whom we haven’t seen since he pinned Crash Jackson at the stage area earlier. The other is RIA, who’d been following Daniels and Claymore for some time. Mostly out of mild concern that Anna might actually stab someone with that knife.

All four of them look at each other, and then look at the brawling FLAMBERGE and Colton, and recognize a golden opportunity to bring down two top contenders in the Manhunt right now.

Nick Stuart: Look out!

RIA and Daniels go after FLAMBERGE. FLAMBERGE avoids being stabbed with a liquid movement and knocks the knife from Daniels’ hand. It clatters to the ground next to the counter at the Baskin Robbins. Mark Shields is in line to get some of those 31 scoops, and he regards the knife with a roll of his eyes before contemptuously shoving it further away with his foot. Meanwhile, Storm and Claymore come after Nate Colton.

Or, actually…

It’s more accurate to say that Blaze Claymore sees the writing on the wall that this isn’t going to end well. He allows MD Storm to run in front and fight Nate Colton on his own and he hangs back. And by “hang back”, I mean that Claymore hides behind one of the hedge-like trees near the escalator leading to the second level of the facility and watches everything unfold.

None of this ends well.

Daniels is judo-thrown to the ground violently enough that it might’ve been localized as an earthquake by nearby Richter scales. RIA takes a kick and then an axe kick and the battered Psychoberry falls to the ground.

MD Storm does not fare any better against Colton, who throws him into a chair next to the doors to the Baskin Robbins and then boots him in the face. Storm is rocked, and his attempt to get up to fight back is met with Colton bringing him down with a German suplex on the hard ground.

Colton goes for the cover, but FLAMBERGE knocks him off. Not that it matters any, Mark Shields is still getting his god damn Baskin Robbins. He’ll be a second.

Nick Stuart: It’s chaos out there in front of the Baskin Robbins!

Richard Parker: Okay. Nick?

Nick Stuart: Yeah?

Richard Parker: In the… I don’t know, twenty years we’ve been doing this, you ever thought that would be a call you’d ever have to make?

Nick Stuart: Once. In Pasadena. I’m not allowed to elaborate.

Richard Parker: Oh. Say no more, then.

Nick Stuart: Thank you.

This renews the hostilities between FLAMBERGE and Colton, who immediately start fighting again. Their battle takes them in the direction of the stairs that lead towards both the Thunder Dolphin rollercoaster and the Big O.

Blaze Claymore emerges unscathed from all of this, and he sees a lot of juicy pinfalls. The moment Mark Shields comes out of the Baskin Robbins, Claymore practically splashes MD Storm for a pinfall.

Mark Shields lets out a long groan. The kind he wants you to hear. The universal noise of “I don’t want to be here”. Claymore yells at him to do his job, the thing Mr. Shields least wants to do. Shields doesn’t even drop down to the ground. He just counts with the fingers in his hand and some half-hearted gestures.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Blaze Claymore – 3 points

Nick Stuart: Newcomer Blaze Claymore is on the board!

Richard Parker: Wait, what the hell is that count?

Claymore scrambles off of MD Storm, who spends his time convalescing on the ground, and he jumps upon the former Intense champion Anna Daniels next. Shields groans again and makes the count.

ONE.

TWO.

NOPE.

Anna Daniels gets her shoulder up, and Mark Shields throws his hands up in annoyance that he’d just had his time wasted.

Richard Parker: I can’t get over the way this guy counts.

Claymore goes right after RIA, another familiar face to him from SHOOT, and covers her as well. Mark mutters “Jesus fuckin’ Christ, man”, but makes the count anyway.

ONE.

TWO.

NOPE.

Once again, RIA kicks out and Mark Shields is annoyed about it.

Despite this, Claymore leaps off, and celebrates with his arms held in the air. He’s very pleased with himself over this, and…

…Well, he shouldn’t celebrate for long.

Daniels and RIA have both recovered. So has MD Storm. Absolutely none of them have any reason to be happy to see “the Main Event” celebrating in their vicinity.

Nick Stuart: I would… get out of there, if I were Mr. Claymore.

He turns and gets pummelled, stomped, and clubbed into a puddle on the ground. Then, together, all three of them pin him at once. Shields throws his hands up – though he is very careful to not lose the ice cream – and counts down Claymore.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

RIA – 3 points
Anna Daniels – 3 points
MD Storm – 6 points

Richard Parker: …Did that really count for all three of them?

Nick Stuart: I don’t know… We’d need a judgement from on high, I think.

We cut to the office of Lindsay Troy. She’s watching this whole event from the comfort and safety of being behind the Steel Door of Doom. She only shakes her head.

Lindsay Troy: Fucking Shields…

We cut back to ringside, where a couple of things have changed.

Hayes Hanlon and Jason Snow’s fight – not a mere brawl – has spilled out onto the stage. Out in the crowd, the group consisting of Chandler Tsonda, Sage Pontiff, Asher Creed, and TAL have emerged from the first floor concourse and are brawling out there. EMTs are still checking on the condition of Seán O’Neill.

Tony Gamble emerges again, and it looks like he might actually try to steal another pinfall on another Fuckhead as he pushes over one of the EMTs and covers O’Neill. The only issue is that there’s no referee there to immediately take that pinfall.

And when “Hot Pants” Shiraishi sees what’s going on and runs over to make a count, it coincides with the PRIMEview’s countdown. Shiraishi won’t make it in time for Gamble to have a commanding 15 point lead.

3.

2.

1.

BONG.

Gamble stands up to watch the PRIMEview, forgetting about his opportunistic pinning attempt. He watches carefully. So do a lot of people. The wheel spins. And it lands on a very, very familiar grin.

12:00 – TONY GAMBLE IS THE FUCKHEAD

Gamble’s eyes go wide at the sight of his own smug grin.

Tony Gamble is a fuckhead, and now… He is also THE Fuckhead.

A lot of people see him. How could they not? Their eyes had been drawn to the scene with O’Neill for some time.

TAL and Tsonda are practically racing each other to be the first to murder the Grin. Meanwhile, Sage Pontiff goes where the violence is. Which is to say that he’s drawn to what’s going on with Jason Snow and Hayes Hanlon over by the stage like a moth to the flame. Meanwhile, Asher Creed makes his way down to the ring proper.

Richard Parker: I’d be like “run, Tony, run” but he’s an eGG Bandit so to hell with him.

Z’s in the chat, everybody.

Nick Stuart: Tony Gamble is fleeing for his life through the crowd!

Despite this, he’s slowed down by the people of Tokyo. Many don’t understand or don’t bother to understand his desperate curse-laden pleas to get the fuck out of his way.

Tsonda beats TAL in the foot race and is the first to reach Gamble, but that’s when Tony proves what kind of fuck he is when he spots an audience member carrying an urn with them. He snatches up that urn and, without any regard to what anyone else has to say on the matter, flings its ashes into Tsonda’s face.

Tsonda has an incredible skin care routine, but those rumors that he bathes in the ashes of dead men? Those weren’t true before now.

Nick Stuart: I’d say Tony Gamble sunk to a new low, but… that felt like par for the course.

Richard Parker: WHO BRINGS THEIR MEE-MAW’S ASHES TO A FUCKING WRESTLING EVENT!?!?

TAL loses the foot race, but he wins the war. He avoids getting mee-maw’d, and comes at Gamble with a hard elbow that hits the Grin from behind as he turns to run again, knocking him to the ground. TAL continues beating Gamble down in the seats, and he’s soon joined and helped by a half-blind Chandler Tsonda, whose hatred for Tony Gamble will never die. In fact, it might survive the company of PRIME, the United States of America, the planet Earth, and possibly even the heat death of the universe.

Over on the stage, the fist fight between Hayes Hanlon and Jason Snow is ugly. Neither man wishes to back down, but their bodies are having disagreements about that. Both are battered, and bruises are already forming on their bodies from the fight. Neither know or care that there’s another forty minutes of this nonsense left to go.

And Sage Pontiff wants somma that.

Nick Stuart: Sage Pontiff is up on the stage with Hanlon and Snow!

?????: MURDER-HIPPIE-WILL-DESTROY.

Richard Parker: WHAT IN THE FUC–

We cut back to the announce desk. Nick Stuart is there, as professional as ever. Richard Parker is there too, slightly less professional. And sitting next to Richard Parker in a full cardboard suit that’s been spray painted silver is a man. A headset is somehow within that cardboard suit, you can see the wire going through the top of the “head”. He speaks in a synthesized voice for some reason.

This man is Joe Fontaine.

Once again, he might claim that he’s not Joe Fontaine, but it is definitely Joe Fontaine.

Richard Parker stares at him incredulously. Not only did he (and Nick) miss someone sitting down at the table in this ridiculous getup, but he also missed that the Fabulous Gold Mask is standing right next to him. fabby still has the jolf bag, but he’s exchanged his pompadour wig for a pair of opaque eyeglasses that look impossible to see out of and a white labcoat.

Richard Parker: …

Nick Stuart: …

Richard Parker: Get out, Joe.

Joe Fontaine(?): ERROR: NO SUCH NAME EXISTS IN DATABASE.

We’re really sorry about this. Truly.

Richard Parker: …Get out, Joe.

Joe Fontaine(?): I AM NOT THIS “JOE”. I AM FONTRON 2.0, THE COMMENTARY ROBOT. BEEP BOOP SLOBBERKNOCKER. I AM TO BE EXCLUSIVELY RENDERED IN TIMES NEW ROMAN.

Especially about that.

Richard Parker: No.

FONTRON 2.0: FINE. THEN I SHALL ONLY SPEAK IN THE LOWLY SANS SERIF FONTS YOU CAN COMPREHEND.

Also that.

Richard Parker: I almost hate you half as much as I hate Jiles. Almost.

Sage Pontiff has inserted himself into the battle between Snow and Hanlon. He blasts Hanlon with the Namaste mule kick, sending Hanlon barreling backwards to nearly the edge of the stage.

Jason Snow barely reacts beyond regarding Sage Pontiff as a threat. Whatever’s going on behind those eyes might well be a void that can only be filled by bringing harm to others.

It’s not just music to Pontiff’s ears, it’s the goddamn Beatles.

Snow and Pontiff tee off and start fighting. Pontiff is all passion, fists flying every which way hoping to land the knockout shot. Snow is mechanical, choosing the right times to strike back and weathering the storm.

We return to TAL, Tsonda, and Gamble. Tsonda is still stunned from the ashes, but he’s recovering with the help of a helpful fan’s water. TAL is currently beating Gamble like a drum in front of a lot of other fans who are standing around and making videos to put on their TikToks and YouTubes and not really doing something to help Gamble. Japan’s probably heard all of the mean, shitty things Tony’s said about Kohime Mori over the years.

Gamble is trying to reach up and poke TAL in the eyes. TAL has been down that road plenty enough times with Tony that he’s able to avoid it. Gamble can’t escape the punching. And there’s a lot of punching. It’s constant and repeated. Gamble can barely defend himself, and…

…And then he’s saved.

Just not in the way he’d have wanted. His savior is a man in a striped shirt and tiny pants worn in winter. His name is Isamu “Hot Pants” Shiraishi, he is a referee for Bang! Pro Wrestling, and he is calling TAL off because this is a referee’s judgement.

The Anglo Luchador – 5 points

Nick Stuart: Gamble is TKOed! TAL has five points!

Richard Parker: Is that allowed?!

Nick Stuart: Yes, Richard, Vince Howard covered this. All referee rulings are final in Manhunt!

FONTRON 2.0: PAY MORE ATTENTION, MEAT PUPPET.

Richard Parker: …Nick, I’m very tempted to declare myself for Manhunt and so I can legally be allowed to beat this manchild to death.

Nick Stuart: Stay in your seat, I’m not calling this nonsense alone.

TAL is reluctant to be pulled off of Gamble by Shiraishi. He kinda wants to punch him a few dozen more times. You know, just to be sure. However, as he’s being pulled away, Chandler Tsonda takes the opportunity to also mount Gamble and start beating him to death. There’s few rivalries in PRIME more contentious than Tony Gamble and Chandler Tsonda, and Tsonda sees this as a golden opportunity to wipe the floor with his longtime rival.

Quite literally. I think Chandler’s trying to sweep the Tokyo Dome floor with Gamble’s skull.

Finally, Tsonda pulls Gamble up, but only to pull him into the cobra clutch.

Nick Stuart: Breathtaker on Gamble! Tsonda’s got that submission locked tight!

Tsonda wisely shifts his hips so that he’s to Gamble’s side, preventing him from simply kicking him in the nuts. He’s been down that road a few too many times with Tony. Tsonda cranks the submission hard as the time ticks down on Tony’s time as the Fuckhead, but Tony isn’t tapping out just yet.

Fans suddenly realize like everyone else that the time is counting down.

3.

2.

1.

BONG.

…And then Tony Gamble taps out, right then. Out of spite, just to deny Tsonda the extra points. Shiraishi makes Tsonda release the hold, who does so by dropping Gamble bodily on the ground like he’s a sack of potatoes.

Chandler Tsonda – 3 points

FONTRON 2.0: WEAK HUMAN MAN SUBMITS TO STRONG, SEXY TSUPERMODEL. BEEP BOOP PATHETIC.

Nick Stuart: Gamble held on just long enough to no longer be marked, and now we’re waiting to see who’s next here…

Tsonda kicks Gamble once while he’s down for good measure. Oh, and a little spit, as a treat.

Meanwhile, the wheel of fate turns, and it lands on…

14:00 – ASHER CREED IS THE FUCKHEAD

Inside the ring, the Guiding Light had been alone. But almost as soon as he’s announced as the Fuckhead, people started descending upon the ring.

Nick Stuart: Folks, we’ve received word that Seán O’Neill is no longer a part of Manhunt after what… just happened, so that we can get him some serious medical attention.

Richard Parker: We should put whoever made this match into an asylum or something.

Creed waits to see who comes for him first. However, the first one isn’t anyone that’s been involved in all of the chaos in the ringside area, though. As Asher Creed looks around at the TAL/Tsonda/Gamble mess and the Pontiff/Snow/Hanlon brawl, he fails to notice someone coming in the ring from behind until he’s jumped.

Who jumps him?

Nick Stuart: That’s Ben Lynch! I was wondering where he’d gone off to!

The Jerkass Woobie throws a heavy knee into the back of Asher Creed. This sends Creed tumbling forward into the turnbuckles, and Lynch immediately grabs Creed from behind, rolls him up, grabs the tights, and puts his feet on the ropes. This is as legal of a pin as any in Manhunt, but absolutely nobody likes seeing him do this. Referee “Soft Hands” Tsukuji is there to make the count.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Ben Lynch – 5 points

Nick Stuart: Ben Lynch is on the board with five big ones!

Lynch isn’t really done with Creed, by the way. He wants to score more points on him. He drops Creed with a hard elbow as he’s getting up, and looks for the Total Recall submission. If he locks this in, he’s a shoe-in for ten points.

What happens instead is that the Fabulous Gold Mask enters the ring with a jolf club. This is the 8-iron, the lightweight one. Lynch looks behind him and sees what’s going on, and he can’t do a goddamn thing about it. He winces like a man who knows that this is going to hurt.

SMACK!

Right in the back. Lynch drops the attempted Total Recall and retreats out of the ring in serious pain.

Nick Stuart: Wait, what’s he doing in the ring!?

Richard Parker: Uh, don’t look now, but our robot “friend” isn’t with us any more.

Indeed, Joe Fontaine has shed his disguise. He enters the ring measuring Creed. And Creed, who has no idea what’s coming for him, stands no chance at avoiding Joe Fontaine’s patented dabbing shining wizard that nobody gets to kick out of ever ever ever (except for those times when they totally kicked out).

Nick Stuart: GO BACK 2 CHICAGO!

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

Joe Fontaine – 10 points

Richard Parker: …I hate everything right now, including and especially the name of that move.

Fontaine celebrates briefly, but the Fabulous Gold Mask pulls him from the ring and carries him off in a hasty retreat before anything else can happen. Fontaine has deuces for the crowd who jeer his opportunistic retreat. For his part, Asher Creed barely has any time to recover, and he looks confused and bleary-eyed before everything gets worse for him.

The wolves have descended upon him.

All of these antics with Lynch and Fontaine have prevented him from making an escape, and now the ring is surrounded by enemies on all sides. Hayes Hanlon has left the fight with Jason Snow to Sage Pontiff, not for any reason other than convenience. He’d slipped off of the stage and snuck down to ringside. Chandler Tsonda and The Anglo Luchador take different sets of stairs down to ringside and jump the guardrails to ringside at the same time. Ben Lynch still lurks at ringside, agitation worn all over his face that his chances of tying for the lead have been dashed by the fuck in the golden mask.

Slowly, these four men climb up onto the apron, with Asher Creed stuck in the middle. Creed has his fist held up, ready to fight.

Nick Stuart: This does not look good for Asher Creed!

The first man to try to enter the ring is Hanlon, and Creed rushes him with every intention of knocking him out of the ring. Unfortunately, this allows Tsonda, TAL, and Lynch to team up against him and smother him in blows. Hanlon comes in and joins them for a moment.

This alliance doesn’t last.

Hanlon immediately decks Tsonda right in the moneymaker, then takes TAL and throws him from the ring. Lynch sees the writing on the wall and, once again, bids a hasty retreat from danger. Or tries to, TAL immediately grabs him and hits him with a big elbow. Hanlon pulls Tsonda to his feet and with a single big step, he attempts to beal the Model Citizen from the ring.

But Tsonda lands on the apron. When Hanlon tries to follow up, Tsonda low bridges him out of the ring. And then, with a mighty leap, Tsonda is cleared for takeoff.

Nick Stuart: MODEL CITIZEN OFF THE APRON!

Tsonda crashes into Hanlon, TAL, and Lynch and lands on top of all of them. Tsonda manages to pulls Lynch and TAL into a cover, staring at referee Tsukuji the entire time… Perhaps bewildered because he doesn’t recognize this particular zebra.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Chandler Tsonda – 9 points

Nick Stuart: Tsonda’s pinned two men at once and he’s up to 9 points!

Richard Parker: Is that even allowed!?

Tsonda favors his knees as he tries to stand up, but finds that Hayes Hanlon has recovered a lot faster than a man who went through a whole war with Jason Snow could possibly recover. Hanlon grabs Tsonda and throws him into the guardrail, then he enters the ring again.

Hanlon immediately pulls Creed to his feet and throws him into the ropes for the…

Nick Stuart: THE EPOCH!

The devastating pop-up chokebomb of the former two-time Universal Champion connects, and Asher Creed bounces hard off the canvas. Hanlon pulls him into the cover, and Tsukuji dutifully slides into the ring to make the count.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Hayes Hanlon – 10 points

Nick Stuart: Hanlon’s up to 10 points! You would think he’d have slowed down after that war with Jason Snow last night, but he’s right in the hunt!

Hanlon gets up while contemptuously tossing Creed’s legs aside, and backs into the ropes like he’s lining up Creed for another big move. However, before he can do such a thing, TAL grabs him by the ankles and pulls him out of the ring and into another fist fight.

Hayes Hanlon drives his knee into TAL’s midsection to stop that nonsense, and whips him into the steel stairs.

CRASH!

The top half of the stairs moves like they’re launched out of a cannon, and are only stopped when they hit the guardrails.

Richard Parker: Good lord.

Nick Stuart: Hayes Hanlon is a force of nature out here!

We cut to Jason Snow and Sage Pontiff’s battle at the top of the stage. They’re still even, but Pontiff commits too much to another Nameste and Snow manages to evade it at the last second. Pontiff knows he’s in trouble as he’s recovering from the kick, and can’t get his hands up in time to stop the…

Nick Stuart: SNAKE EYES!

The superkick lands true, and Snow professionally puts his hands on Sage’s heaving chest and lets Benny Doyle count down the Bodhisattva.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Jason Snow – 3 points

Nick Stuart: Now Jason Snow is on the board!

Snow doesn’t even regard Pontiff in any way. He mechanically turns his attention towards the ring. Towards Hayes Hanlon. Towards the fallen Asher Creed.

However, whatever fight’s about to erupt here needs to wait, because the timer is ticking down again. Someone else is getting their turn as the Fuckhead, and there’s still plenty of strong men who haven’t had a go at being PRIME’s most wanted man.

3.

2.

1.

BONG.

We’re going to level with you, PRIME fans.

We’re just as confused by who’s on the screen as the rest of you are.

The 37-year-old man with a questionable mustache, awful comb-over, and glasses smiling back at all of us is only really known in his native Peoria. He is known to them as “Mr. Beefst”, and he believes himself to be the “Master of the LeMoo-niverse”.

He has absolutely no idea what he’s in for tonight. It’s very likely that he has no idea he’s even a part of the Manhunt match, and even less idea about why his name is being announced on the PA system right now describing him in less-than-friendly terms that he’s personally appalled by.

But for right now, we wish him luck.

He’s about to have none of that.

16:00 – STEVE LEMIEUX IS THE FUCKHEAD

Many, many people at ringside look around confused.

Richard Parker: …Whomst?

Nick Stuart: I… I have no idea. I think he was on our last show, but… You know how you look at someone and then you instantly forget about him the moment you turn away from them? I think he’s like that. Never had that happen before in the twenty years I’ve been a broadcaster.

Chandler Tsonda looks up, sees the man on the screen… and then shrugs his shoulders and jabs Hayes Hanlon right in the throat.

Mayhem ensues.

Ben Lynch wants nothing to do with this mayhem. This mayhem is beyond his pay grade, so he dips. Everyone else, from a recovering Asher Creed and TAL to a wily veteran like Tsonda to two men looking to go for round two like Jason Snow and Hayes Hanlon, resume fighting.

We cut to the first floor concourse.

Our Fuckhead, Steve Lemieux, is currently having an animated discussion regarding whether or not he’s allowed to serve his meats in an already-established Japanese eatery on the far right side of the first floor concourse with the manager of the burger shop, overlooking second base. This discussion is being set to the dulcet tones of Darude’s “Sandstorm”, playing as softly in the background as “Sandstorm” could possibly be played.

Richard Parker: What.

This discussion is happening despite the fact that Mr. Lemieux and the manager didn’t speak the same language. Perhaps Mr. Lemieux believes that everyone should be able to speak the language of beef.

Mr. Lemieux has seen a couple of strange things since he began this discussion. There’s some nerd wandering around the second floor concourse with a very stoned koala attached to his face, and he wasn’t entirely certain what’s going on with that. He saw Bobby Dean, and that alone came with many questions. In the middle of his discussion, he grabs hold of the mayonnaise bottle to illustrate a point.

Over the course of illustrating that point to this increasingly agitated Japanese man, some of that mayo gets squirted over the counter. We’re sure it happens to everyone. Lemieux only glances a little bit to see where the mayo got squirted, but doesn’t pay any mind to it.

And then he double-takes.

Steve Harrison is standing there in full ring gear. A dab of mayonnaise slowly slides down his bare chest. We’re going to let your mind do that little bit of imagination for you.

…

Nick Stuart: …

Richard Parker: …

All done?

Good.

Steve Harrison grabs his fellow Steve by the head and rips him over the counter and into the real goddamn world.

The entire time, Mr. Lemieux is trying to plead with him to try the delicious beef and not to engage in horrific Steve-on-Steve violence.

Harrison responds to such pleas with a spinebuster.

Nick Stuart: SPINEBUSTER FROM HARRISON!

“Sandstorm” suddenly stops playing as though someone ripped it from a record player. Harrison sees Bang!’s senior referee, Ryuunosuke Doi, before waving him over. At first, Mr. Doi is incredulous that Harrison just busted this average joe’s spine, but when Harrison furiously points out the video wall to confirm to him that this is the Fuckhead, Doi dutifully makes the count.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Steve Harrison – 5 points

Harrison contemptuously wipes the mayoshot from his chest, and cleans it on Lemieux’s corpse.

Nick Stuart: Harrison is on the board, and it’s still anyone’s race as we’re a fourth of the way through this!

Richard Parker: Hollup. A fourth!?

Nick Stuart: That’s right.

Richard Parker: This bullshit has only gone for fifteen minutes!?

Nick Stuart: Correct.

Richard Parker: HOW!?

Time is a curious thing, that’s all we’ll say.

We cut to an elevator. It opens up and FLAMBERGE and Nate Colton spill out of it. Take two guesses what they’re still doing.

If “they are still fighting each other because we got two hatin’-ass haters out here” isn’t either of those first two guesses, then you’re clearly not paying attention. Are you skimming? Well, I’m not going to judge.

The two of them have been brawling around the LaQua Area for some time. They found an elevator and got in and have been punching each other to the soothing sounds of Kenny G for the last couple of minutes. Mark Shields simply walks up to them, as though he’d been anticipating which floor they were going to end up on exactly. He has also, somehow, procured more whiskey. Don’t ask us how.

Nick Stuart: That man is a blight to the refereeing profession, and we live in a world where Speedy Riggs is allegedly a referee.

With FLAMBERGE and Nate Colton still brawling on the third floor of the area, we cut to the bridge overlooking the 434 next to the Tokyo Dome. It’s a lovely view. The dusk is still in the middle of becoming night. Cyclists do cycling things. Salarymen gonna salary.

Cecilworth Farthington is riding a pair of very unfortunate and very nondescript staff members like they are, together, one single horsey. They are bent over, Farthington is on top of them, and he has each of them locked in armbars. Farthington is still screaming unintelligible gibberish the entire time, very hinged, very sane, and forcing them to move forward at the risk of getting snicker-snacked jabberwock-style. I don’t know what that means, but it’s probably bad. Don’t let Cecilworth give you a vorpal armbar.

Richard Parker: …I’ve seen everything. I know I haven’t because I still work here, but I don’t think anything else would surprise me.

His completely unwilling steed is approaching the ongoing fracas between RIA, Anna Daniels, MD Storm, and Blaze Claymore.

And by fracas, I mean that the former three have been chasing after the fourth for the past few minutes. Ultimately, Claymore decides he doesn’t need to be in this area any more, and he races across the bridge with everyone in hot pursuit. They all pass by Cecilworth on their way through.

Only RIA stops and gawks at what the Financier is up to, but she decides she’s better off not getting involved.

We cut to Tokyo City Attractions.

Clay Byrd has apparently found himself here. He is not participating in the match, but clearly he got tired of the noise and bullshit going on in the building, because he’s now riding the Pixie Cup attraction with a sad cowboy expression on his face. We’re not sure how a man of his size ends up on this ride, and we’re sure not questioning it.

We cut back to Steve Lemieux, unfortunately for him.

He is crawling away. Steve Harrison is walking leisurely behind him as though stalking wounded prey. He is only stopped by the appearance of the Fabulous Gold Mask.

Yes, that motherfucker.

Harrison stares at him confused for a few moments. fabby, as you might know, is not particularly well-liked. By anyone. He is not technically a participant in Manhunt, though, so no one’s bothered to fight him or anything yet. Wordlessly, fabby hands Harrison a jolf club. The eight-iron, more specifically.

He gives Harrison a nod, and then he walks away… Leaving Steve Lemieux to his fate.

Nick Stuart: What was that about?

Richard Parker: A tacit understanding between Steves in a world full of Steve-on-Steve violence?

Harrison shrugs his shoulders and brings the eight-iron down on Lemieux’s back.

SMACK!

Lemieux stops crawling away. Harrison pushes him over and drops into another cover.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Steve Harrison – 10 points

Nick Stuart: Harrison is on a rampage here and he’s caught up to the leaders in record time!

Richard Parker: Theoretically, he could keep beating this Steve Lemieux guy to death this whole time and rack up tons of points, right?

That’s right.

Which is why when Harrison gets up off of Lemieux and picks up the eight-iron again for another blow on the current Fuckhead, he’s tackled to the ground by Jackson Cooley. Cooley and Harrison fight on the ground, jockeying for position. Lemieux resumes crawling, because he sees salvation before him.

There is a bicycle.

Richard Parker: Wait…

Nick Stuart: Oh no, is that…

The camera zooms in on the bicycle. As it does, Slayer’s “Raining Blood” could be heard and it’s intensifying. The bicycle is painted in a crimson red, almost dripping with it. It has a cute Cinnamoroll-themed basket on the front, and someone mounted deer antlers upon it. It also carries with it an ominous presence, a pressure that can’t be fully detected by humans despite the ill, oppressive feeling it exudes. Dogs know to bark at it. Cats know how to steer clear of it.

Steve Lemieux has no idea about any of this, though. Even though he’s weirded out by the Cinnamoroll basket and the deer antlers, this is still a mode of transportation. A means of escape. He manages to gather the strength needed to jump on and start pedaling off.

He doesn’t get far.

He hits no obstacle. No one impedes his path. It’s like the bicycle itself bucks him right off, and he goes flying.

Steve Lemieux: (WILHELM SCREAM!!!)

Uh, yeah, Steve also does that.

He lands hard on the ground. The bicycle rears up on one wheel and then, guided by nothing and no one, disappears out of the scene.

Richard Parker: Nick.

Nick Stuart: Yes, Rich?

Richard Parker: You know how I said that I’d seen everything and that nothing else would surprise me?

Nick Stuart: Of course I do, you said that literally a few moments ago.

Richard Parker: I sure was naive in those halcyon days. The folly of youth!

“Bucked off by the Crimson Miracle Bloody-Blood Death Homicycle” is not what I’d want written on anyone’s obituary, but it’s going to get a little bit worse now that Bobby Dean is walking onto the scene.

Literally.

Bobby has no idea what he’s doing, by the way. He happens to walk on top of Lemieux, causing the poor man to scream in agony, as Bobby looks around for the next eatery to partake in on the first floor concourse.

Bobby is completely oblivious to all this. He’s distracted by something beautiful that he sees in the distance.

Bobby Dean: Is that… My GOD! That’s a Taco Bell! I’m in heaven!

Bobby steps over Lemieux again, causing him to cry in pain, and he goes about his merry way.

Mercifully for Steve Lemieux, his time is at an end. At least, his time as the target in Manhunt, Manhunt itself is not going to be done with him quite yet.

The timer ticks down.

3.

2.

1.

The wheel turns. The familiar face that comes up is one that hasn’t even been in the Tokyo Dome for most of Manhunt, even if he’s been around. Get out your dancing lizard GIFs, we know you have them, because it’s time to get weird in here.

18:00 – FLAMBERGE IS THE FUCKHEAD

Around ringside, a lot of people look up to see FLAMBERGE’s face on the tron. Seeing that he isn’t there, they all go back to their pier six brawl. Chandler Tsonda throws TAL into the ring and follows him in. Snow and Hanlon are spending more time ramming each other into the ring apron or guardrails than they are actually throwing punches. Sage Pontiff’s recovered from being superkicked by Jason Snow and has met Asher Creed on the ramp.

Ben Lynch is watching everything, looking for a back to stab or a submission to lock in.

So, where is everybody’s favorite lizard (citation needed)?

We cut to the LaQua Area. Specifically, the third floor in front of Thunder Dolphin.

FLAMBERGE and Nate Colton have no clue that FLAMBERGE became the Fuckhead. The slack-ass referee following leisurely behind them does, but he doesn’t care enough to say anything. The two wrestlers fight their way right into the rollercoaster area, with Colton punching FLAMBERGE into one of the empty cars. As he does, staff attendants dutifully start strapping the French lizard into the coaster.

Nick Stuart: …What?

Yes, even Nick Stuart is confused.

Colton jumps in the car next to him and continues to try and fight him. However, he’s stopped when Thunder Coaster’s staff members restrain him and strap him into the coaster next to him. The entire time, he and FLAMBERGE continue hand-fighting, but as they’re now locked into the rollercoaster, their attacks are little more than two very irritable young brothers trying to slap each other in the backseat of their car while their disappointed father yells at them that he’ll turn this car right the fuck around if they don’t stop.

After a few moments, the rollercoaster begins its voyage and takes FLAMBERGE and Nate Colton with it.

Richard Parker: I get the impression that nobody is scoring Fuckhead points off of FLAMBERGE.

Nick Stuart: Not unless they count that as a win for the rollercoaster.

Don’t tempt them.

We now cut to a darkened room somewhere undisclosed. There’s at least twenty monitors set up, each of them displaying a different camera feed around the Tokyo Dome area. It’s actually tapped into the cameras of every camera operator working the PRIME show tonight, in addition to a few security cameras.

We’re behind the shoulders of a familiar man in a brown overcoat and military cap.

Alexei Ruslan has had a weary twenty-four hours setting up everything he needs for Russia and the Red Army to declare absolute victory in the Manhunt. But the Red Army’s base of operations is infallible. Their plan is in motion. And as he lays eyes on his comrades, Bryan Dawkins and Kenny Freeman, making their way through the Korakuen gardens on the west side of the Dome back towards the front of the building, Alexei affords himself a rare smile.

Alexei Ruslan: Prepare to close the cage.

The camera pans around. The giant sits waiting. Soon, the operation will come together.

We cut to ringside.

Sage Pontiff and Asher Creed are perilously close to the edge of the stage, and this is not a fight that’s going Asher’s way because it’s a fight, not a wrestling match. Pontiff thrives in these sorts of battles, and the brawler brings Creed down with a hard kick to the solar plexus. What happens next isn’t good for the health of either man. Pontiff charges Creed, and launches both of them off of the stage with the…

Nick Stuart: SHAMANIC DREAMWEAVER!

CRAAAAAASH!!!

OOOOOOOOOHHH!!!

There were tables below, and chunks of table and splinters go flying everywhere. It’s nothing but carnage down there, and the bodies of Pontiff and Creed lie strewn about. Referee Benny Doyle has seen a lot of crazy nonsense in his over twenty years as a referee, but even he has difficulty sorting out the brutality.

Nick Stuart: This is mayhem! This is anarchy! We’re almost twenty minutes into this hour long war, and we might need to call two more men out of this match!

Richard Parker: Seriously. Put somebody in an asylum for this.

We cut back to the first floor concourse. Cooley and Harrison’s brawl spills out into the crowd. Harrison ducks one shot and then tosses Cooley down the stairs. You’d swear you could see Cooley’s smile grow wider with each step he tumbles down.

Harrison marches after him with fists clenched, ready for more of Cooley once he’s done tumbling. By the time Cooley’s done, they’re practically at ringside.

Nick Stuart: Cooley and Harrison are out here, now!

Richard Parker: After what Cooley just did to O’Neill, keep that crazy bastard away from me.

Fighting in the ring, which is a novel concept in this fucking anarchy, Chandler Tsonda and the Anglo Luchador are duking it out. The two wily veterans trade lucha libre moves back and forth. Tsonda goes for an arm drag, but TAL flips through it to land on his feet. TAL hits the ropes and comes back with a tiaras, but Tsonda cartwheels his way through it. Tsonda runs to the ropes, TAL giving him a little push on his way. Tsonda comes back and TAL attempts to leapfrog him, only to get caught into an inverted atomic drop.

Richard Parker: Oof, right up Manhattan.

Tsonda’s off the ropes again, but TAL catches him with the drop toehold and goes right into la magistral cradle!

Referee “Soft Hands” Tsukuji is right there to make the count, but at two, Tsonda reverses into a pin of his own!

ONE.

TWO.

HANLON.

To be more clear, Hayes Hanlon is thrown into the ring by Jason Snow. Hanlon’s momentum carries him into TAL and Tsonda, breaking up the pinfall.

Snow enters the ring and does the mental calculus of what’s going on in the ring. There are three enemies. He’s faced all of them before. One, he beat for the Universal title a long time ago. Another holds a victory over him from Tropical Turmoil last year. The third is a motherfucker.

He aims the Snake Eyes for TAL.

Nick Stuart: SNAKE EY- BLOCKED!

TAL deflects the superkick coming for him and kicks Snow in the gut. This allows Tsonda to catch Snow with a swinging neckbreaker that sends Snow to the mat. Before either of them have any opportunity to take advantage, Hanlon steamrolls both of them with a pair of clotheslines.

We suddenly cut back to the scene at the LaQua Area.

The rollercoaster comes to a stop, and both FLAMBERGE and Nate Colton come out of it looking like men who had a good time riding a rollercoaster without any other worries in the world. Perhaps this is the moment in which Nate and Julien can finally bond and recognize that they do, in fact, have things in common. Perhaps, in this crazy world, these two men can finally find some ground, and…

…Oh.

Oh, no.

They both collectively said “fuck that” and started punching each other again. They fight until they’re off-camera, and Mark Shields – who had been standing around waiting for them to get done with their rollercoaster ride while looking at his cell phone – begrudgingly follows them.

The camera lingers on the rollercoaster for a few more seconds.

Then Cecilworth Farthington runs into the scene and grabs the rollercoaster car in what we think is an attempt at an armbar. Rollercoasters don’t have arms, but there is a non-zero chance that Cecilworth has the ability to manifest an arm on this rollercoaster for him to snippity-snap. While his screaming is still unintelligible, we can make out three particular words in all of the screaming.

Cecilworth Farthington: DIE, ROLLERCOASTER, DIE!

Nick Stuart and Richard Parker make bewildered noises of their own from the commentary desk.

We cut back to the ring as the PRIMEview is ready to tick down another time and end FLAMBERGE’s uneventful time as the Fuckhead. (Unless rollercoasters are an event for you, in which case, great!)

3.

2.

1.

BONG.

Round and round the wheel goes, and it stops on…

20:00 – SAGE PONTIFF IS THE FUCKHEAD

Our Fuckhead is currently still on the ground in a wreckage made out of broken tables. Neither he nor Asher Creed have moved since the Dreamweaver off of the stage, but at least Creed’s hair looks goddamn immaculate.

Nick Stuart: Sage Pontiff is down on the stage, an–

Nick Stuart is interrupted. We all are.

The PA system fires up with a familiar twang, one that Richard Parker immediately picks up and grimaces.

Richard Parker: …No…

There is despair in Richard’s voice. It’s the despair of a man who lived the hope that he wouldn’t see or hear from someone in this entire hour long match. It was a foolish hope he had. After all, it’s Night Two.

The PRIMEview comes alive again, and it shows the backstage area. Specifically, it’s a low angle shot of the floor. The fans that haven’t yet been displaced by all of the chaos murmur amongst themselves, wondering what this is about.

And then a pair of boots walk across the floor. A very familiar pair of boots, the kinds that are usually accompanied with the familiar taste of…

…salt.

Richard Parker: Fucking. No.

The camera follows these boots as they walk confidently through the hallowed halls of the Tokyo Dome. They’re soon joined by a pair of bigger feet, clad in big brown work boots, the type you wear when you’re wading into shit and need to kick ass to get out of it. These boots walk in step with the salt shoes. They soon stop at a big blue door. There is a loud pounding on the door, clearly caused by a man with far bigger hands than average.

?????: Hey, crumb. Get out here. It’s time.

The door swings open. A pair of boots walk out, each in a purple color familiar to those who’re big into retro gaming consoles. Fans go from murmuring to a stunned reaction as some of them realize exactly who those belong to.

OOOOOOOOOHHH!!!

These familiar boots walk in step with the other two boots before they move off-screen and the scene cuts to black.

We cut back to the stage. A moment later, the lights go out. Yes, in the middle of goddamn Manhunt. What happens next is a familiar twang, once again. This time, it’s accompanied by more. You see, the PA system right now has come alive, and it bears the gift of Screamin’ Jay Hawkins.

I’m the one your mama warned you about…

The spotlight hits the front of the curtains, and a man steps through those curtains. His alfredo hair, immaculate. His T-shades, untouchable. His salt, like the Dead fuckin’ Sea. His tights still got that forehead on them for some reason.

Cancer Jiles is here, fashionably late even to Manhunt.

Not long after Jiles steps out onto the stage, a towering figure emerges behind him. Something in his eyes has changed. There is war in his heart and violence in his future. That is Hessian, PRIME Hall of Famer, former two-time Universal Champion, and a man ready to tilt the entire world on its head if it means the Bandits rule Manhunt.

Tony Gamble is there. He literally pops out of a vent next to Jiles and Hessian, because he remains sus as all get out. The PRIME Hall of Famer and card-carrying scum of the earth stands with his allies, because it’s safer than being in the company of Chandler Tsonda or the Anglo Luchador or just about anyone in PRIME he’s pissed off (which is everybody, let’s be real).

But it’s the fourth man with them that has everyone’s attention.

Nick Stuart: No way…

Richard Parker: Holy shit.

Dressed in Super Nintendo purple, a charming smile on his face, absolutely pumped to be out there. No one knows why he’s here. No one knows why he’s walking the same path as a man he’s long held a rivalry with. No one knows why he’s a fucking eGG Bandit.

But make no mistake, a former multiple-time world champion has arrived in PRIME. A man who should belong in several Hall of Fames by now. A man who’s almost got that sub-five minute speedrun in Super Mario Bros. going.

CONOR FUSE IS IN PRIME.

OOOOOOOOOHHH!!!

The Tokyo Dome is electric. Conor is all smiles hearing the reaction. After taking in the moment of being there, hearing the roar of the Japanese crowd, he jogs to catch up to Jiles.

Jiles walks as though he’s completely oblivious to what he’s interrupted.

In the ring, many of the men that’d been fighting amongst themselves had stopped. Except Jason Snow and Hayes Hanlon, who continue trading blows back and forth near the guardrail. Ben Lynch sees the disturbance and the fresh group of Bandits, and the opportunistic Jerkass Woobie chooses this moment to roll up Tsonda from behind!

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Ben Lynch – 8 points

The moment Tsukuji’s hand hits the mat for the third time, Lynch is gone. He’s gone so fast that he should’ve left a log behind like a ninja. Tsonda sits up completely bewildered about what just happened, but he doesn’t have a lot of time to process it.

After all…

Woe. Bandits be upon ye.

Conor Fuse is the first Bandit to hit the ring. He cheerfully waves at TAL hoping for a fight, and he gets one when TAL takes a swing at him. He ducks under him and then wipes out Tsonda with a spinning heel kick, sending the Viet Viper out to the floor to join Jason Snow and Hayes Hanlon. Snow and Hanlon, who’d been fighting all throughout Jiles’ entrance, turns to see Tsonda, and only have a scant few microseconds to react before Conor comes Peppy Hare barrel rolling over the top rope.

OOOOOOOOOHHH!!!

Fuse pops up from wiping out three former Universal Champions with one barrel roll and yells excitedly. It’s like he landed on his feet.

Nick Stuart: Conor Fuse already making an impact out here!

Richard Parker: Point of order, it’s cOnOr fUsE. You gotta hit the warbles and the vowels. Really get those jowls moving.

Nick Stuart: …No.

Meanwhile, Tony Gamble’s snuck in the ring behind TAL and he takes him out by the knee before stomping away at his long-time nemesis who’s taken two Colossus title matches off of him.

Now, you might be asking yourself, and I know I’m asking myself the same thing. “Where’s Hessian?”

Hessian actually ignores the fracas in the ring. Instead, he marches over to the carnage at the stage, where Sage Pontiff is starting to stir. Despite the fact that Screamin’ Jay is still loudly playing on the PA system, he’s rather unaware of what’s going on.

And then a man standing seven feet and two inches tall runs him over. It’s like a train collision with no seat belt. Hessian pulls Pontiff up and carries him over his shoulders like he’s rescuing him from a fire before dumping him at Jiles’ feet.

Richard Parker: Oh, for God’s sakes.

Sage Pontiff somehow gets to his knees and stares up at Jiles. He’s got the faraway look in his eyes of a man already concussed, but as he sees the T-shades, he realizes what’s coming. He welcomes it. He spreads his arms wide. Give it to him.

Jiles obliges without hesitation.

Nick Stuart: TERMINAL CANCER!

Jiles covers, and Benny Doyle arrives to make the count.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Cancer Jiles – 5 points

Richard Parker: I could have lived without Jiles scoring points.

Hang on. Let him think about it a little bit.

Richard Parker: Actually, the ideal world would’ve been that Jiles scored negative points. Like, negative infinity points, which I know is not mathematically possible but it should be if we’re talking about how many points Jiles should have.

There we go.

Hessian nods to Jiles and then goes to join the fracas at ringside. He runs Tsonda over and throws him back into the ring. The big man throws Tsonda into the ropes and catches him in a tilt-a-whirl, then tilt-a-whirls again, and then tilts the whole fucking world before dropping Tsonda on his knee with the backbreaker.

Then he joins Gamble in putting the boots to TAL, because the fuck you mean you kept the tag titles at Colossus.

Meanwhile, Cancer Jiles is just walking around. Directing traffic. Soaking in the disdain of the Japanese crowd. Crumbing it up. Enjoying a little bit of Screamin’ Jay. He ignores the medical team coming to check up on the fallen Pontiff.

Despite the fact that “I Am The Cool” is still playing (as though Jiles superkicked the guy running the PA system on the way out so the song never ends), we still have Manhunt to do.

Time marches on, and the age of a new Fuckhead draws near.

3.

2.

1.

Round and round it goes, and where it stops… Well, it lands on a man who’s already committed one crime tonight, so let’s see where this goes.

22:00 – JACKSON COOLEY IS THE FUCKHEAD

Cooley and Harrison’s brawl in the crowd has taken them nearly to ringside. Cooley keeps wanting Harrison to bring it, and Harrison brings it. He brings it to the point that he clotheslines Cooley over the guardrail and out to ringside.

Unfortunately for all parties, the Bandits rule ringside right now.

Harrison locks eyes with Conor Fuse, and those eyes go wide. He’s met him in the past, of course. He knows what he’s capable of.

Fuse waves at him, happy to see a familiar face.

Then Hessian wipes Harrison out with a giant work boot to that same face. Fuse looks at Hessian with the universal expression of “Dude!”, but Hessian is on a warpath and he’s chuckin’ bodies out here like he’s preparing to build a mass grave.

Nick Stuart: The Bandits are continuing to wipe people out!

Hessian grabs Cooley and, much like with Pontiff, throws him out in front of Jiles.

Cooley, much like Pontiff, smiles at the prospect of his impending demise. Jiles, much like with Pontiff before, doesn’t hesitate.

Nick Stuart: TERMINAL CANCER!

Richard Parker: Mother. Fucker.

Jiles covers, Doyle counts.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Cancer Jiles – 10 points

Nick Stuart: Jiles is now tied with Harrison, Hanlon, and his own teammate Gamble!

Richard Parker: I’m going to be sick, and I don’t think it was the conveyor belt sushi I had last night.

The moment after Doyle’s hand comes down for the three, Cancer Jiles is attacked by Chandler Tsonda. He even knocks off the T-shades, which is a big no-no. Before anything comes of this, though, Hessian grabs Tsonda and literally throws him backwards into the ring post.

THUNK.

OHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Nick Stuart: Hessian just launched Tsonda into the ring post!

Hessian marches to where Tsonda is, and he rips up the floor mats outside of the ring. There’s suddenly a terrible vibe in the building as Hessian exposes the concrete, and when Hessian grabs Tsonda, it’s to lift him up for the Hellavator. On the exposed concrete.

This isn’t just a career-ending move. It might be a life-ending one.

Nick Stuart: No no no nononono!

Tsonda kicks his feet like mad, recognizing the danger he’s in. Eventually, Hessian loses his grip on the Tsuperstar and Tsonda lands on his feet. Tsonda kicks Hessian in the gut and looks for the Runway Vault off of the guardrails. However, while he’s successful in kicking his feet off of the guardrail and swinging back around, where he swings back to is…

Nick Stuart: TERMINAL CANCER!

Cancer Jiles, crumb of all crumbs, had been lying in wait for an opportunity to snipe someone out of the sky with his lauded superkick. Chandler Tsonda just happened to oblige. Tsonda lands hard, his knees buckling under him as he lands in a way that can’t be good for a man of his age. Jiles immediately covers him.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Cancer Jiles – 13 points

Nick Stuart: Jiles has taken the lead!

Richard Parker: COOL. GREAT. WONDERFUL. I’M GLAD. LISTEN TO HOW GLAD I AM.

He’s not glad.

Richard Parker: OF COURSE I’M NOT!

Nick Stuart: Who are you talking to?

Richard Parker: NOTHING. NOBODY. I’M JUST MAD!

No sooner after Tsonda’s been pinned by the 5-Star Champion does Hessian pull Tsonda up to his feet and throw him out into the third row of the crowd. A lot of people in that path have to duck and cover and scatter away from the rampaging causing plenty of people to scatter out of the way at the carnage that’s unfolding before them.

Conor Fuse jumps up on the apron, excited for his next move and rather oblivious to the way things are going for Jiles.

Now, all of this Banditry has us curious: What’s the fifth member of the Bandits doing right now?

Well, on the third floor premium lounge, you will find a man. He sits at a table, not even watching the action as there is a wall between him and his view of the ring. He only knows Jiles is out there because “I Am The Cool” is still playing.

Before him lies his wondrous bounty.

A pizza box sits before him. It is from Domino’s. Its toppings include crispy fish and chips, lemon, and potato slices. It is unknown how or when or why Bobby would’ve procured this item. The nearest Dominos is 15 to 20 minutes away from the Tokyo Dome, and we just saw Bobby (and it is Bobby), so he certainly didn’t walk to get it.

This man just had Taco Bell, too, by the way. He may need to stop eating at some point in his life, but his stomach is a bottomless void and his hunger is voracious.

For now, eat well, young Mr. Dean. Eat well and prosper.

Also in the third floor premium lounge, a man in his mid-30s and his mother are watching the action. The mother shouts, “I REALLY LIKE THIS CANCER JILES!”

Richard Parker: I disagree. Respectfully.

We cut back to this Cancer Jiles being well-liked.

Let’s ignore the fact that someone in the crowd unironically threw a tomato at him.

Jiles regards the person who threw the tomato with a scornful look. He makes a mental note. One more for the book of grudges.

The eGG Bandits might be united, but there is one man that Cancer Jiles has his eyes fimly locked in on. They look back upon him scornfully.

Over two years ago, they met in Madison Square Garden. There, the COOLOSSUS of Rhodes was toppled by the Boy in the Blue Necktie. A lot had changed since that encounter. The Boy has grown into a man, a man who has grown very particular about the types of adhesives he’s into. The Crumb remains a crumb, yet he is finally a champion once again – even if he is not the champion.

Hayes Hanlon stares daggers back at Cancer Jiles. The enmity between them has never vanished, and even if Hanlon considers the score between them settled, Jiles would never forgive him for Colossus 2022. There’s a reason why “you fuck” is written after Hanlon’s name in Jiles’ big ‘ol book of grudges, allegedly.

Conor Fuse decides that this is a fine moment to launch himself at Hanlon with a springboard dropkick, but Hanlon moves like he’s going to get the groceries from his car to his house and Conor lands on his face. Hanlon doesn’t hesitate to dispatch him with a…

Nick Stuart: FLASHPOINT!

Hanlon doesn’t cover, and Fuse manages to roll out of the ring to see where his jaw went. Instead, Hanlon beckons Jiles to enter the ring and face him.

Upon seeing this, Hessian drops what he’s doing with Chandler Tsonda – literally. Tsonda had been caught in a hanging tree-type choke and might have had all of the life strangled from him if Hessian hadn’t noticed what was going on. Hessian steps over the guardrails, but before he can even reach the ring…

Nick Stuart: SNAKE EYES! TO HESSIAN! SNOW OUT OF NOWHERE!

We’re not even sure when or how Jason Snow shed Tony Gamble, but he’s back at ringside and he’s taken out Hessian. Jiles turns to find that Steve Harrison is also approaching him. Jackson Cooley is recovering from the superkick and is glaring up at Jiles like he wants more.

All the while, “I Am The Cool” keeps ripping through the Tokyo Dome. In fact, the song is almost over. Just in time for a new Fuckhead.

3.

2.

1.

The wheel spins. Kuru kuru kuru-riiiiiiin. And it settles on a face that’s familiar, but… not actually present at ringside. It settles on…

24:00 – ANNA DANIELS IS THE FUCKHEAD

We hadn’t actually seen Anna Daniels in a little bit, not since Cecilworth passed her and a few others by on his “steed” several minutes ago. So, we’ll circle back to her soon. As Jiles is approached on all sides by a number of men looking to beat his ass apart, the scene cuts from ringside to… Well, this is going to sound pretty unusual, so work with me here.

We cut to Korakuen Hall.

Now, you might be asking yourself what the fuck we’re doing here. Well, as it turns out, Bang! Pro Wrestling is hosting the first night of its annual Sekai Saikyou Cup tonight! And yes, they’re having to use a bunch of their other referees for this event since so many of the senior officials got wrapped up in the entire circus happening in the Tokyo Dome area.

Richard Parker: Uh…

Nick Stuart: That… I believe that’s Japan’s biggest promotion right now, Bang! Pro Wrestling… And I know they were in the middle of hosting their own event here tonight, but…

In the ring, a massive and imposing black man in dreadlocks and Egyptian-themed wrestling gear and tattoos is absorbing the cheers of the crowd as he grapples with a portly man who looks like what would happen if Carl Brutananadilewski became a real, not-animated boy and then became a professional wrestler, and easily pushes him back into the corner.

We’re viewing this scene from the balcony. As Powerslam Anubis is tossing the portly man whose full Christian name is Patrick James Ruaidhrí “Rory” Hayes out of the ring, a disturbance reaches the ringside area.

That disturbance is several PRIME wrestlers suddenly brawling into Korakuen Hall’s hallowed grounds with no regard to what Japan’s biggest company is doing or why.

Bryan Dawkins and Kenny Freeman have been trying to flee here for the past ten minutes. It’d been a harrowing, roundabout, but uneventful trek taken through the Korakuen Gardens on the west side of the Tokyo Dome. They almost lost a pursuing Sebastian Gold and Crash Jackson in the garden, but the two founding members of Nobody’s Heroes had tracked them down.

And now they were fighting their way to the ring.

Nick Stuart: Wait, is that…!?

Richard Parker: I don’t want to be in the room where Inoue Doi is talking with Lindsay Troy about this happening…

Nick Stuart: No, I think it’ll be fine. I’ve heard Ms. Doi enjoys mayhem.

And mayhem is exactly what we get.

Powerslam Anubis stands in the ring watching what’s going on with a murky expression. He’s not foolish enough to be completely unaware that Manhunt is going on right now, but perhaps he underestimated just how out-of-control the whole thing was going to be. He casts a judgemental eye towards PRIME referee Ashley Barlow, who has found herself with these people this whole time.

But they are not the only PRIME wrestlers appearing in Korakuen Hall.

The members of Vae Victis, which is to say Kerry Kuroyama, Scott Hunter, and RIA, have linked up to invade Korakuen Hall themselves. They all saw that this was where the mayhem was going, and they wanted a piece.

Kuroyama seems almost awestruck at being inside the famous Korakuen Hall, even for this purpose. His awe doesn’t last, as he spots Kenny Freeman fleeing in his direction. Instinct takes over. Kuroyama charges and connects with a yakuza kick that flattens Freeman. Freeman shouts something to the effect of “NOT THIS GUY AGAIN” right before boot meets face.

Nick Stuart: It’s chaos in Korakuen!

Richard Parker: It’s chaos EVERYWHERE! Haven’t you seen what’s going on right in front of us!?

Speaking of…

We cut back to Jiles getting his ass lit up to the velvet smooth tones of Screamin’ Jay Hawkins.

Jiles is like a pinball in a sea of flippers.

Hanlon punches him, he staggers and then TAL punches him, then he staggers and then Tsonda punches him, then he staggers and then Cooley punches him, then he staggers and then Harrison punches him, then he staggers and Snow punches him.

This isn’t the sort of thing that should last, but Jiles has the unique ability to make everyone despise him enough that they’d put aside their differences and work together to beat the shit out of him. At least for the moment. As a happy coincidence, there is enough rhythm in these punches that Jiles is taking one every time the distinctive “twang” of “I Am The Cool” hits.

But it really doesn’t last.

Hessian, Fuse, and Gamble all jump a number of them. Hessian boots Cooley in the face, then takes Tsonda and tosses him off of the ramp and into the crowd (again)…

OHHHHHHHH!!!

He follows after the Viet Viper with murder on his mind, because apparently that’s what Hessian wants to do today.

Tony Gamble resumes his bitter rivalry with the Anglo Luchador by pulling him away from Jiles and fighting him back towards the ring. It’s a fight he’s destined to lose because he’s not really much of a fair fighter, but that’s not really the point here.

Fuse pulls Snow away and gets punched a few times for his troubles, but when Snow goes for another Snake Eyes, Fuse ducks it and places his hand on Snow’s chest.

Conor Fuse: WEAPON GET!

You’d almost think Conor changes colors the moment this happens. Snow looks at Conor with the type of reaction that suggests… no reaction at all. He regards the man in front of him less as some annoying video game kid and more like someone he’s assessed as a threat. But before Snow can deal with the threat, Conor backs off and…

Nick Stuart: SNAKE EYES!?!?

There are some understandable interrobangs in there. Indeed, the vaunted superkick of Jason Snow does land true. Only, it’s not Jason Snow using it.

It’s Jason Snow taking it.

Richard Parker: Oh, fuck my life.

The fans react with roars of approval as Conor Fuse hops on one foot, trying to regain his balance from executing the Snow’s championship-winning superkick. As he does, Jackson Cooley clobbers Conor to the ground with a heavy blow to the back of the head, drawing boos from a crowd who are already unhappy with the favorite wrestler of… let me check my notes here… your mom?

Cancer Jiles would be very angry by this whole superkick business if he wasn’t still being punched in the face by Hayes Hanlon, who’s backing him up all the way to the stage. Hanlon grabs Jiles by the immaculate hair and looks to go right for another punch, but… Well. Jiles has the eye poke.

Richard Parker: Of course.

Jiles takes aim, and…

Nick Stuart: TERMINAL CANCER!

Hanlon doesn’t go down. Not right away. He teeters on the brink of disaster, the heels of his feet perilously close to the edge of the stage. Hanlon looks like he might have completely absorbed the Terminal Cancer no worse for wear, and his hand reaches out to grab Jiles again.

Nope.

If a Hayes Hanlon falls from a stage and no one is there to catch him, does he make a sound? If he did, it would go…

CRASH!!!

…right into another set of tables below.

Nick Stuart: HAYES HANLON MIGHT HAVE BEEN SENT TO HELL WITH THAT ONE!

Richard Parker: The only person who needs to go to hell is the guy still standing on the stage.

We cut back to Korakuen Hall.

Mayhem is continuing to ensue. In addition to the members of the Red Army, Vae Victis, and Nobody’s Heroes causing all sorts of havoc in the middle of a Bang! show, there’s a few other people who’ve also joined them all.

One is Anna Daniels, the current Fuckhead (who is more known for fucking those heads than being a fuckhead). Anna slinks into the crowd as though trying to blend in. That’s very hard for her, because she is a space alien from Gallifrey who claims to be the Wavemaker and Lindsay Troy (she isn’t, unless…) and she’s got industrial strength boots ready to fuck some heads at a moment’s notice. She doesn’t take part in the mayhem so much as she sits down at an empty seat and enjoys what’s happening.

Someone who does take part in the mayhem is MD Storm. The Charm City Champion actually enters the Bang! ring to the bafflement of Powerslam Anubis just to blast Kenny Freeman with a superman punch!

Nick Stuart: PATRIOT PUNCH FROM MD STORM!

As Storm takes down Freeman and looks to take advantage, he’s attacked from behind by Blaze Claymore, who tosses Storm from the ring. Claymore sees a crowd of individuals fighting at ringside, and he looks like he’s going to actually do a big dive. He runs off the ropes…

…and into Powerslam Anubis.

Powerslam Anubis is the biggest man out at ringside right now, and he towers over Claymore. Claymore looks almost bewildered, as though doing the mental calculus about whether this giant is actually part of the Manhunt match. He’s not. He’s just not very appreciative right now of the interruption of his match with the “Hippo of the Deathmatch”.

Rory has somehow ended up in the fracas outside, which is being fought between Dawkins, the Vae Victis trio, Sebastian Gold, Crash Jackson, and now MD Storm.

Nick Stuart: Is Blaze Claymore attempting to bargain with Powerslam Anubis?

He is.

Anubis seems to consider Claymore’s words carefully.

Then he picks the Main Event up in a military press, much to his panic. And then, with an almost casual toss, flings Claymore down on top of the entire crowd at ringside.

OHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Nick Stuart: CLAYMORE GOES FLYING INTO EVERYONE THANKS TO POWERSLAM ANUBIS!

Richard Parker: IS POWERSLAM ANUBIS IN THE MANHUNT MATCH!?

Again, he isn’t.

Anubis goes over to Bang! referee Kusakabe, one of the newer hires for the company, and makes a lot of gestures towards the fracas that he just decimated. Anubis seems very disturbed over why there’s so many people from PRIME in his arena, during his match, on his program. Kusakabe shrugs his shoulders.

We cut back to the Tokyo Dome.

Cancer Jiles is feeling invincible right about now.

But in just three seconds, the wheel will turn again.

3.

2.

1.

BONG.

Something is different about what happens next.

We cut to Lindsay Troy, seated behind her desk.

She just laughs.

Then the wheel appears, and every face on it is the same one. It’s like we took the face of Cancer Jiles and put them on everyone else. There’s a RIA with Jiles’ face on it. There’s a Fred Dick that’s been Jilesified, and Fred Dick isn’t even medically cleared for Manhunt after what happened the previous night. Someone even went through the trouble of putting Jiles’ face on Erik van Warren, and that nerd hasn’t worked in PRIME since ReVival 2.

So when it finally lands on the new Fuckhead, no one is surprised, everyone is bewildered, and even Jiles’ expression tells a story of a man who is going to get absolutely fucked. Screamin’ Jay is cut off as though someone pulled the record off of the record player.

26:00 – CANCER JILES IS THE DOUBLE FUCKHEAD

Richard Parker: CHRISTMAS CAME EARLY, NICK!

Nick Stuart: Cancer Jiles is a wanted man in the Tokyo Dome, Richard!

Indeed, Jiles’ newfound status has drawn some additional unwanted attention to him.

Quinn Fleetwood has appeared behind him.

He’s been waiting for his chance this entire time, hiding like an ambush predator behind the curtains leading backstage for this moment. The moment Jiles is announced as the Fuckhead, he charges out with every intention of finally scoring five points and earned the recognition he so richly des–

Nick Stuart: TERMINAL CANCER!

…That’s a “nope”.

For the fifth time tonight, Nick Stuart calls the superkick. It crushes Fleetwood mid-sprint, sending him flying backwards with his legs flying up. Jiles looks around before he covers Fleetwood.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Cancer Jiles – 16 points

Richard Parker: THAT’S NOT WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!

Jiles is incredulous enough to ask referee Benny Doyle one question, which even the least eagle-eyed lip-readers could interpret: “Who is this guy?”

He stands up and throws the middle finger up at the Tokyo crowd. While Japanese crowds are traditionally pretty quiet until things get intense, they hate Jiles immensely for it.

And then they react, for someone else has stepped up to the plate.

He’s always had the Bandits’ number, and tonight, he might just have it once again.

Steve Harrison stands against Cancer Jiles.

Jiles stares at him like he’s the next member of the barbershop quartet. He’s practically bewildered that Harrison is even around. Who the hell is Steve Harrison to stand up to him, of all people? He’s the Captain. Then again, since when had Jiles paid attention to anything that wasn’t a main event?

He almost considered it a courtesy to superkick him.

Nick Stuart: TERMINAL CAN– NO!

Harrison sidesteps what would’ve been certain doom, and Jiles is put off balance. Harrison grabs Jiles pulls him in for the crossface chickenwing, and before Jiles has any idea what’s going on, he gets hit with the…

Nick Stuart: IT’S… IT’S A HARRACLE!

Harrison does not bridge with it. He lets Jiles land right on the back of his neck on the stage. He grabs both of Jiles’ legs and pulls back as far as they will go. Benny Doyle is out of position, checking on the condition of Hayes Hanlon, but when he hears Harrison’s yell, he runs for the pin.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Steve Harrison – 15 points

Richard Parker: YES! YES!!! YESSSSSSS!!!

Nick Stuart: STEVE HARRISON JUST PINNED CANCER JILES! THE 5-STAR CHAMPION HAS FALLEN!

Conor Fuse is late to make the save. The moment Conor Fuse saw Jiles in Harrison’s death grip, he knew he had to make a run for it. He was just seconds too late, and dives on top of Harrison in an act of frustration.

Harrison reacts to Fuse’s interference with an annoyed grimace and a punch in the face. Harrison stands to take advantage and pin Jiles again, but it’s around now that Ben Lynch appears out of nowhere and grabs him in a chokehold. The Bob Ross of Submissions is at work, and this happy little accident might make Harrison go to sleep.

Out in the crowd, Hessian is trying to reach the stage. He has made it his mission to protect Cancer Jiles at any cost, but he got separated from him thanks to making it his secondary mission to bloody something beautiful. He’s succeeded in that regard, a small gash spouts blood on the immaculate face of Tsonda. Hessian had smiled at that sight, but Tsonda’s constant resilience against him is delaying him.

At least until Hessian throws him further into the crowd like he’s ejecting him from a car crash.

In the ring, Tony Gamble is getting ragdolled by Jackson Cooley like he’s operating on the Havok physics engine. TAL is dazed and down on one side of the ring. The only thing that would make Gamble’s life worse is if he acquired a gravity gun. Still, Gamble is a Hall of Fame talent, if a hard-luck one. And when Cooley looks for a piledriver on Gamble, Gamble’s first instinct is to uppercut Cooley right in his junk.

The eGG Bandits begin to coalesce around their captain. As Jiles still lies on the ground, Conor Fuse fights back against Jackson Cooley, putting both feet on his chest and shoving him back with all of his might. Fuse stands, and… He looks up at the rigging that surrounds the PRIMEview.

He gets a crazy idea.

Richard Parker: What the hell is cOnOr fUsE doing now?

Conor Fuse begins climbing up the rigging.

I did mention this is a crazy idea, yes?

We cut to a dark room lit only by the light of many monitors. Behind his desk, Alexei Ruslan sits with a smug grin of satisfaction at what he’s been seeing. He raises the walkie-talkie to his lips.

Alexei Ruslan: …Close the cage.

We cut back to Korakuen Hall.

A lot happens at once.

The doors leading outside of the building all shut at once, in unison. The lights are disrupted, casting the crowd in shadow while leaving the ring lit. Much of the fighting between Vae Victis, Nobody’s Heroes, MD Storm, Blaze Claymore, and the Red Army stops in confusion. In this confusion, Dawkins and Freeman both disappear into the darkness that surrounds the ring.

Powerslam Anubis still stands in the ring. At this point, he has accepted there has been too much of a disruption in his match and he stands in the center of the ring with his arms crossed, completely bemused. He doesn’t know where Rory Hayes is. Worse, he doesn’t know where the bicycle is, completely unaware of its previous appearance in the first floor concourse of the Tokyo Dome.

Then four men in all-encompassing brown robes storm ringside and attack members of the PRIME roster.

Nick Stuart: What the hell is going on in Korakuen Hall!?

These men are technically members of the Bang! Pro Wrestling roster. They are also undead abominations called forth from the ether, but we’ll get to that.

Richard Parker: Guys, I think we’re getting off-script.

The brown robes are not alone.

Rose appears out of nowhere, and wipes out Scott Hunter with the Thorn Prick. Moments later, Freeman almost apparates from the darkness itself to blast Kuroyama with a steel chair.

SMACK!

Dawkins does the same, but to Sebastian Gold.

SMACK!

Dawkins picks up the chair and does it again to Gold writhing on the ground for good measure.

SMACK!

Nick Stuart: The Red Army is gaining the upper hand in Korakuen, but… Who is that!? What is that!?

A man dressed in a black robe appears in the center of the bleachers, illuminated only by an ominous red static playing on the video wall behind him. A staff with several tiny skulls dangling from it is held threateningly in his hand. His ash gray beard is the only thing visible on the face underneath the hood.

This man is Baron York Taterton, the mastermind of the dreaded Pirates of Dark Tuber, who’d been making appearances for Bang! Pro Wrestling lately alongside his undead minions. An avowed, card-carrying “enemy of humankind, forevermore”. You know how it goes, what functioning pro wrestling organization doesn’t have the undead?

Baron Taterton is soon joined by an enormous figure more than a foot taller than he is. This man casts a wide silhouette over everything, and a pall falls over Korakuen Hall. It’s only when he laughs that it’s obvious who it is, because he is the only man in wrestling who laughs like this.

Ivan Stanislav: DYAA-HAA-HAA!!!

Nick Stuart: No… He’d been conspicuous by his absence after last night, but… that’s… THAT’S IVAN STANISLAV! HE’S BEEN IN KORAKUEN HALL THIS WHOLE TIME!

So, fun fact.

While Bang! Pro Wrestling welcomes any gaijin and foreign wrestlers to come and wrestle for them, the promotion and its fans have never cared for usurpers or invaders. Many times, the roster has come together to combat this very scenario before, be it a single dangerous individual like the Godslayer or even a faction like the original version of Coral Avalon’s Crownless Kingdom. So why is it that the only two men out there for their company are Powerslam Anubis and Rory Hayes?

We cut somewhere backstage.

Franco Marchesi – Bang! Pro Wrestling’s World Openweight Champion, best friend of Coral Avalon, and card-carrying hater when it comes to the Dark Tuber – goes to leave the locker room to deal with this problem.

He finds that he cannot. Despite being pound-for-pound one of the strongest men in Bang! Pro Wrestling, the Venetian Assassin cannot make the door budge.

Outside of the Bang! Pro Wrestling locker room, the door has been barricaded off with production boxes and a forklift, trapping every wrestler that could come and help save their show. By the entrances, nondescript members of the Red Army and very descript members of Taterton’s dark army stand guard.

No one gets in.

More importantly, no one gets out.

Nick Stuart: I don’t like where this is heading.

Richard Parker: Yeah? Well, I don’t like where that’s heading.

We cut back to the Tokyo Dome.

Richard is pointing at Conor Fuse, who has climbed up to the bottom lip of the PRIMEview. It’s a long way up, about twelve feet up. As he climbed, a bunch of other people had come after a stunned Cancer Jiles. Harrison was still there, as was Ben Lynch. Lynch was learning just how much Harrison liked to punch people.

Hessian arrives, but Harrison avoids the big boot from the big man and kicks him in the gut. He grabs hold of him for a DDT, but Hessian is simply too big and too fresh for it to work. Indeed, Hessian is able to power Harrison up and shove him away.

And finally, Chandler Tsonda staggers in behind them. He’s beat up. The blood is a little more than he’s used to. But he’s not resting until he brings the giant down. TAL stands with him, just as battered and bruised.

And meanwhile, above all of them, Conor Fuse sets himself up. He faces the camera.

He smiles.

He fucking missed this.

Nick Stuart: LOOK OUT BELOW!

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

It’s a HALO™ jump, a suicide splash that hits Harrison, Lynch, Hessian, TAL, and Tsonda and knocks all of them over like bowling pins. Conor remains on top of Lynch and Harrison, and referees “Soft Hands” Tsukuji and Benny Doyle both make counts.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE.

Lynch and Harrison both kick out… but it’s too late.

cOnOr fUsE – 6 points

Richard Parker: Oh, great, the video game kid is on the board. And he’s an eGG Bandit. God.

Nick Stuart: What a hellacious dive that was! Conor Fuse might not know if he’s in Tokyo or Tijuana after that, but he’s got six points!

Meanwhile, Cancer Jiles has crawled away. He’s escaped. And, in a moment, he’s about to escape the penalties of being the Fuckhead relatively unscathed, because the time is ticking down.

3.

2

1.

BONG.

We’re done with the Jiles-related nightmare fuel. The wheel turns, and it stops at someone who might not be in the best situation right now.

But she’s going to make it work somehow.

28:00 – RIA IS THE FUCKHEAD

RIA is battered and bruised. Her match with Fred Dick just one night ago should’ve put her in the hospital. Spending nearly thirty minutes brawling around the Tokyo Dome hasn’t done her any favors, either. But as she’s one of the people trapped in Korakuen Hall, she’s in a lot of trouble and she doesn’t even know it yet.

Baron Taterton whispers something to Ivan as they stand in the darkened crowd. Ivan sneers at the wrestling necromancer, but nods as he looks towards RIA in particular. Despite whatever misgivings Ivan might have about Taterton, he recognizes a valuable asset to the Red Army when he sees one, and that asset has given him the opportunity to control the Manhunt and regain the Universal championship he lost. He knows precisely who to hunt.

He marches his way down to the ring, because that’s where RIA is.

One man stands in his way, however.

Powerslam Anubis has not moved a single inch since the Red Army took over Korakuen Hall. The only man in the building who can look the Russian Bear in the eye stands with his arms crossed. Only his eyes move. Judging as only the Judgement King can do.

Nick Stuart: Powerslam Anubis has appeared before on PRIME television several times, but this is the first time he’s ever confronted someone in a ring on our programming.

Even if it is not a PRIME ring.

Ivan steps over the ropes. The two-time Universal Champion is face-to-face with a possibly literal god. There’s electricity in the air, a power that can’t easily be replicated. Ivan and Anubis lock up and jockey for position. Anubis is slimmer, but he’s possessed of great power and he’s actually a match for the aged Stanislav, whose body hasn’t really been the same since his encounters with Avalon and Farthington.

Ivan tries to maneuver Anubis towards the ropes, but Anubis reverses. Ivan is almost bewildered. Few can match power with him, but Anubis can.

Nick Stuart: ANUBIS AND STANISLAV! OUT THERE IN KORAKUEN HALL! THEY ARE EVENLY MATCHED!

Richard Parker: IMPOSSIBLE!

It’s a shame that we may never see a satisfying conclusion to this tug-of-war between giants, though, because Ivan is not here for fair fights.

The moment it becomes clear that Ivan is not going to easily dispatch Powerslam Anubis, the vultures attack at once. Rose and Freeman and the Pirates of Dark Tuber enter the ring and attack Anubis from behind as he’s about to corner Ivan.

Anubis’s grappling with Ivan, which had been evenly matched before, is now preventing him from actually being able to defend against the nonsense.

Nick Stuart: Oh COME ON.

Richard Parker: Look. That guy isn’t part of Manhunt. Ivan shouldn’t be wasting time dealing with him.

Within the confines of the collar-and-elbow, Anubis kicks his leg out and knocks over Rose and Spud Wellington both. He loses the benefit of having his balance, though, and Ivan muscles him into the corner with some difficulty. He’s forced to let him go, though, when Anubis hits him with a headbutt unexpectedly.

That’s when Alexei Ruslan appears from the darkness and leaps up onto the apron. He jabs a handheld taser into Anubis’s side.

Nick Stuart: THAT SNAKE, RUSLAN!

Here’s the thing.

Anubis reacts… not as you might expect. He doesn’t go down. He doesn’t even look like he’s been stunned at all. He simply turns his head towards Alexei and snatches him up by the neck, lifting him up into the air. There’s a momentary bit of panic in Alexei’s eyes as Anubis grabs the taser from Alexei’s hands and smashes it onto the ground with contemptuous ease. He boots Potato Pete in the face as he comes in and pie-faces Freeman to the ground when he tries to help.

But then Ivan crashes into him like a high tide, avalanching him in the corner the moment Freeman goes down. Every distraction necessary to create the opening. Ivan doesn’t hesitate. He grabs Anubis in the headlock and Red Scares him out of the goddamn ring.

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Nick Stuart: A RED SCARE OUT OF THE RING FOR POWERSLAM ANUBIS!

Richard Parker: Thanks for coming, Anubis!

Even the Judgement King is not unphased by this. He’s down at ringside.

Now, RIA’s not really been sitting around letting Anubis rescue her. She’s instead been going up to the top rope. When Ivan looks up to reassess where RIA had gone, he’s actually surprised to see her up there. Clearly, he’d assumed that she’d have attempted to flee only to discover that there is no escape for anyone from Korakuen Hall.

RIA smirks and flips Ivan off.

Then she soars out of the ring, to the outside, dropping down on Dawkins, the Pirates, Rose, and Freeman with the…

Nick Stuart: END OF THE RAINBOW!

It’s not exactly the normal use-case for RIA’s elbow drop. Dropping down on that many people who are standing, from the top rope to the floor, is going to be hell on RIA’s body. She lands squarely on top of Freeman, and Elvis Nixon – who’d been standing by this whole time – makes the count.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

RIA – 6 points

Despite all odds, RIA has scored points in the Red Army’s clutches. However, before she can move to pin Dawkins as well, the rats swarm her. They smell vaguely of potatoes and death.

Inside the ring, Kerry Kuroyama and Scott Hunter both rush in to try and deal with the problem. They try, anyway. The moment they enter the ring and are about to attack Ivan, someone grabs them by their ankles and trips them up.

That person is Anna Daniels.

Anna Daniels is not a member of the Red Army. She is a member of the Poor Whoresman through and through. Yet, she decides to choose chaos because it’s way more fun.

When they get up, they’re both tossed aside like Ivan is parting a curtain. There isn’t much technique in Ivan running people over, but it works. Ivan regards Anna with a curt nod, and Anna returns to the seat she’s commandeered… with a bucket of popcorn.

Outside of the ring, the Pirates of Dark Tuber’s newest members – Cowabunga Kenji and Terry Blackquill – toss RIA at Ivan’s feet. RIA, on her knees, stares up at the colossus before her. The size difference between them is almost comical, and that’s not getting into the fact that RIA had barely survived an exploding ring deathmatch last night. That End of the Rainbow might have been her last gasp.

Ivan smiles and bellows a laugh.

Ivan Stanislav: DYAA-HAA-H-ORK!!

That’s the sound of Ivan getting uppercut in the red jimmies by a woman who has no qualms about uppercutting anyone in the nuts. The blow stuns Ivan, and he’s bow-legged on a bad leg. Dawkins jumps up on the apron, and RIA has to knock him off. Same with Rose, with only slight hesitation on RIA’s part before she decks that bitch like she’s the Halls.

It’s when Anna jumps up on the apron, popcorn bucket in hand, that RIA finally hesitates.

Nick Stuart: RIA and Anna Daniels… A lot of history there, but why is Anna Daniels helping Ivan?

Richard Parker: Maybe she feels the power of the Red Army!

There’s a tension in the air between the two longtime friends. Their relationship was once such that RIA referred to Anna as “sis”. Time has changed things, and we don’t mean that just because Anna Daniels is a Lord of that.

Anna makes the decision to drop off of the apron.

RIA watches her go, then she turns around and is launched into the air.

Nick Stuart: IRON CURTAIN!

It’s a horrifying landing, a plane crash with no survivors. Ivan covers, using his whole body to drown out any resistance to RIA kicking out. Ashley Barlow has no choice but to count.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE.

Ivan Stanislav – 5 points

Outside of the ring, the Red Army and their undead allies has regained control. Rory Hayes is powerbombed through the Japanese commentary table by Potato Pete and Spud Wellington just behind the guardrail, sending longtime Bang! broadcaster Abe Shinonome scurrying for his life. Kenny Freeman and Bryan Dawkins throw MD Storm into the guardrails with a…

CRASH!

Blaze Claymore has no idea what to do out there. He’s dumbstruck by the scenario presented to him. He does the only thing he thinks is sensible in this situation. He runs into the ring and covers RIA.

ONE.

TWO.

Ivan denies him, because over the course of doing what he believes is the sensible thing, he forgot about the walking battle tank standing right there.

He rips Claymore off of RIA and with a contemptuous motion, sends him to hell.

Nick Stuart: RED SCARE ON CLAYMORE!

Blaze flops like a fish on impact, and Ivan falls on top of him.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Ivan Stanislav – 8 points

Richard Parker: Ivan’s just stacking bodies out there.

Claymore rolls out of the ring weakly, and Ivan turns to pull RIA up. Another Red Scare here and Ivan will be that much closer to the lead in the Manhunt.

But as he goes to do so, the countdown for Manhunt’s halfway mark begins. Alexei, hearing this, informs Ivan who scowls at this news.

3.

2.

1.

BONG.

Kururin, kururin, now who will we bring to ruin?

Well, we have our answer in the Tokyo Dome. The wheel spins, and it comes up on the sweetest young boy who ever lived.

In the ring at Korakuen, Ivan Stanislav curses in Russian and drops RIA to the ground out of frustration before the Red Scare can come. It’s a very long, uncouth string, too, not fit for reprint.

Because who should be the next Fuckhead but…

30:00 – BOBBY DEAN IS THE FUCKHEAD

We cut to the third floor lounge, where a piece of fish and chips Domino’s pizza falls in horror from the face of the one and only Robert Dean. He breaks out into a cold sweat as he realizes that his leisurely tour through the Tokyo Dome concourses and its many, many eateries is about to come to an end.

Bobby doesn’t know that the vast majority of the competitors in Manhunt are either out at ringside or trapped in Korakuen Hall at the mercy of Ivan Stanislav, the Red Army, and an undead horde at the beck and call of an evil necromancer from Salisbury (where all of England’s evil is stored and we even consulted a mathematician for verification). He’s instantly consumed by paranoia that didn’t exist literally five seconds ago.

Nick Stuart: IT’S DEAAAAAN! And he’s a wanted man!

Richard Parker: Run, Bobby, run!

Bobby scrambles to his feet, the slice of pizza still in his mouth. He needs to get out of here. He hits the elevator and waits impatiently for it to arrive. When it does, and the doors slide open, he comes face-to-face with three people… and a koala.

Felix Mullen still has Kerry Koalayama latched on to his face. How he hasn’t suffocated to death in the last thirty minutes is a riddle for the ages. The other two individuals… are Joe Fontaine and the Fabulous Gold Mask. Joe has the 6-iron out. It’s a steel chair covered in thumbtacks with the name “AVALON” crossed out on it, replaced with the word “NERD”.

Joe Fontaine: Hi! Do you have a minute to talk about our lord and savior, Lightning McQueen?

The pizza slice falls from Bobby’s mouth.

Bobby Dean: What?

SMACK!

Joe hands the 6-iron over to fabby, and stands over Bobby Dean’s corpse with his hands on his hips. A few pinpricks of blood start bubbling out of Bobby’s skull from the thumbtacks. After a few moments of reflection, Joe turns to fabby.

Joe Fontaine: …Where the hell is the referee? fabby, what’d you do with him?

Moments ago, Joe had decided that Bang! referee Ryuunosuke Doi shouldn’t accompany them because his presence clearly agitated poor Kerry Koalayama. Nevermind that Kerry was probably more spooked by the psychopaths carrying around a bunch of insane specialty steel chairs designed to do tremendous amounts of harm to people than he was by a humble wrestling referee (that happened to be the older brother of one of the most dangerously unhinged professional wrestlers to ever terrify a Japanese ring).

fabby makes a distressed shrug of his shoulders.

I mean, he could tell him, but would Joe have listened?

Joe paces back and forth over Bobby’s body, as though uncertain of what to do. Finally, he snaps his fingers.

Joe Fontaine: Alright! Screw it. I know where to go next, come on.

He slaps fabby on the shoulder and they both get in the elevator again, with Felix Mullen still in there when it comes back. The elevator doors shut and we cut backstage.

Cancer Jiles is in a full retreat.

Clinging to a six point lead in the Manhunt, King Crumb has been in full retreat since Steve Harrison shocked him. You have to have a full retreat before you do a full counter, after all.

Behind him, the rest of the eGG Bandits are staggering through the second floor concourse. All of them are beat up, but they are all united for several purposes. There is a big purpose right now. A huge problem, which is that Bobby Dean is the fuckhead, and they don’t actually know where he fucking is. Also, “Soft Hands” Tsukuji is following them, and that kind of annoys Jiles. Tsukuji’s no Bandit, after all.

The pockets of men that’d been around ringside have reduced down to Chandler Tsonda, the Anglo Luchador, and Quinn Fleetwood. Pontiff and Creed had been taken to the back for their injuries, and might not be returning.

Tsonda is recovering from getting brutalized by Hessian earlier, lying half-slumped at the stage. Fleetwood is still down and out from the Terminal Cancer, and referee Benny Doyle has been checking up on him periodically to see if he can still continue.

Jason Snow? Hayes Hanlon? Steve Harrison? Ben Lynch? They’ve all scattered. We don’t know where they are now, but we’ll find them before long.

You know who else we did find, though?

We cut to the revolving front doors of the Tokyo Dome. Two men are locked in combat in between those doors, as though they started punching each other the moment they walked in them and then stopped walking so they could keep fighting within them for at least a minute or two. It completely goes against the signage, the one that helpfully says “please enter revolving doors one person at a time” and definitely doesn’t say “please beat the shit out of your mortal nemesis in the revolving doors”.

Nick Stuart: Is that… Is that Nate Colton and FLAMBERGE!?

Richard Parker: Have they really been fighting like that for a half-hour?

Colton and FLAMBERGE both look like they’d been on the wrong end of a car accident. Lots of nicks and cuts, and they both have a mouse around their eyes in almost identical spots. The two of them look like they could go another half-hour. Mark Shields is literally leaning against the nearby wall, checking his cell phone and maybe doing today’s Wordle.

And then, as if by chance…

…the Bandits stumble upon them.

There is a long pause. Jiles freezes, so does Gamble. Hessian instinctually puts himself between the lizard, the Indiana boy, and Jiles.

And Conor?

Conor Fuse excitedly steps in front of them, ready to throw down in the first floor concourse. He’s practically giddy at the prospect of going one-on-one (or even one-on-two, he’s got his AoEs ready to go!) with the scion of the Colton family and the Neck Collector.

Richard Parker: This doesn’t look good for anyone…

The tension evaporates when they hear a man making a noise like a dying beached whale.

Steve Lemieux is still on the ground. He’d been there since the Homicycle happened, and he’s curled up on the ground in a fetal position because he figures this is the exact positioning he needs to be in order to be safe.

He is not safe.

He is a projectile.

Hessian walks over to him and picks him up as though he is a rather oversized football. What happens next will live rent-free in at least one man’s head and as a nightmare in several others’, because honey… you will believe Steve Lemieux can fly.

Nick Stuart: LOOK OUT!

Lemieux’s flight takes him straight into Nate Colton, who has the unenviable task of catching Mr. Beefst unexpectedly. Colton falls to the ground with Lemieux on top of him, though Lemieux can’t make a cover because he bounces twice and skids to a stop by the revolving door.

FLAMBERGE bursts out laughing, outright pointing at Colton for his misfortune.

He doesn’t laugh for long.

Conor Fuse comes streaking across the concourse and blasts FLAMBERGE in the face with the Xenoblade, sending the Neck Collector to the ground.

And thus did the Bandits descend on Colton and FLAMBERGE.

We cut back to Bobby Dean. He’s still down on the ground, and he has a splitting headache.

He manages to sit up just as the elevator opens.

He sees two men.

One is referee Ryuunosuke Doi. He has ice cream. We don’t know where he got it from, but the sight of it makes Bobby Dean salivate. Because he only sees the ice cream, he doesn’t see Cecilworth Farthington launch himself out of the elevator and into an armbar on Bobby!

Nick Stuart: FARTHINGTON! CECILWORTH FARTHINGTON IS UPON BOBBY DEAN!

Article 51 gets locked in on Bobby, and Cecilworth adds to the pain by hyperextending Bobby’s fingers and wrist in ways that our ever-hungry good boy can’t handle. Bobby instantly taps out.

Cecilworth Farthington – 5 points

Richard Parker: Where did Cecilworth come from!? I thought he was trying to armbar a rollercoaster!

He was. He just left when he got bored.

Cecilworth considers leaving Bobby there, content on having made him tap out.

Then he sees the discarded slice of pizza on the ground. He recognizes some of the toppings, and he is filled with an unexplainable rage.

Cecilworth Farthington: FISH AND CHIARRRRRGHDGIHGIADSHIGFDAHJIG!?

He reapplies Article 51 on Bobby in his frothing anger.

Bobby immediately taps out again.

Cecilworth Farthington – 10 points

This might have kept going, an endless cycle of unbridled English rage and armbars and unintelligible screaming. Cecilworth might have kept scoring all of the points.

But suddenly, he snaps out of it. He stares at the video wall. After all, it’s about to count down again.

3.

2.

1.

BONG.

It’s time to spin. Spin, spin, wheel, spin.

When it stops, Cecilworth loses interest in Bobby Dean and heads back to the elevator. He has absolutely no clue who the new Fuckhead is even with his face on the board and his name on display. Cecilworth shrugs and gets back on the elevator. He presses a button, places his hands behind his back, and he is gone.

Who’s the new fuckhead? Well…

Let’s just say it’s music to Ivan Stanislav’s ears.

32:00 – MD STORM IS THE FUCKHEAD

MD Storm has no way of knowing that he just became public enemy number one in Korakuen Hall.

Since we last left the scene in Korakuen, it’s gotten pretty dire for those that aren’t members of the Red Army or their allies. Ivan has been toying with many of them, throwing around would-be attackers like children. Any significant resistance is dealt with through numbers or through one of Alexei’s many tools he’s got at his disposal.

Not long after MD Storm is announced as the newest Fuckhead, the Pirates of Dark Tuber get the memo and descend upon him.

MD Storm has likely never dealt with the undead before.

Storm tries to fight them off, striking one with a Patriot Punch and knocking him down, but the other three swarm him and beat him down with a series of punches and blows. The ones from Potato Pete and Spud Wellington, who are two rather widely-built monstrosities, hurt a lot more than the ones from Terry Blackquill.

They throw Storm into the ring, whereupon a brutish Russian monster picks him up and throws him nearly the entire length of the ring like he’s throwing a sack of potatoes into a truck. Storm gets up only through sheer momentum, stopping only when he hits the turnbuckles. Ivan charges and squashed him in the corner with a big avalanche, taking his breath away.

Nick Stuart: It’s like Ivan is toying with the people in Korakuen Hall right now.

Richard Parker: He knows that they’re all at his mercy, Nick. He can score points at will!

Indeed, Ivan seems content to let Storm out of the corner, watching him collapse to the ground. He places one boot on Storm’s chest and orders Elvis Nixon to count.

ONE.

TWO.

KICKOUT.

Ivan glares at Nixon, muttering something about how Speedy would’ve done that faster. As he does, we cut to the crowd in Korakuen Hall as Sebastian Gold is losing a two-on-one fight between himself and the Bryan Dawkins and Rose pair. Two weeks ago, Gold and his team prevailed against the Red Army. They took that personally.

Yet, Gold remains unbroken. Dawkins draws him to his feet, and Gold spits in his face. This causes Dawkins to recoil.

Rose comes in with the Thorn Prick, but her knee misses as Gold dodges it by the narrowest of margins. Rose nearly collides with an unfortunate audience member before she pulls up at the last second. She turns around as she recovers just in the nick of time, and…

…Finds that the Alias Champion does not miss.

Nick Stuart: FADE OUT FROM GOLD! ROSE IS DOWN!

Dawkins recovers from Gold’s defiance, and hits him in the back with one of the folding chairs provided to the front row audience. Gold drops to his knees in agony.

Nick Stuart: NO! Dawkins with the chair to the back of Gold!

Just outside of the ringside area, Blaze Claymore has dragged himself this far looking for the exit. Any exit. He turns left and nondescript Red Army goons. He turns right and sees the brown-robed undead lurching towards him in a zombie gait.

He mouths the words “what the hell?” as he sees the latter coming for him.

Elsewhere, Kerry Kuroyama and Scott Hunter attempt to reach Baron Taterton, recognizing that this ominous man in a black hooded robe carrying a staff and chanting the occasional ominous Latin phrase must be important somehow. In fact, Scott hits the nail on the head as he points up at him.

Scott Hunter: THAT’S A NECROMANCER!

Kerry Kuroyama: …Don’t be ridiculous.

For what it’s worth, Taterton would have the exact statline that a necromancer should have. You know, high enough intelligence to practice necromancy, low enough wisdom to know that necromancy is a terrible and awful idea, and the strength and endurance of a wet noodle and an equally moist paper bag, respectfully.

You know things are bad, though, when the evil necromancer with that statline sees you coming and laughs.

Richard Parker: I don’t like the evil laughter coming from that guy.

Baron Taterton waves his hand and a couple of undead luchadors dive out from Taterton’s sides, out of nowhere, and launch tope con hilos of the dead upon Kuroyama and Hunter. One of them is named Rodrigo, and he bears the stitching and scars of a man once slain by a mythological creature. Don’t worry about it.

In the ring, MD Storm is doing his best to fight back against Ivan despite the odds against him. His punches from underneath rock Ivan’s jaw, and he staggers backwards. This allows Storm to spin around and deliver a haymaker straight from the 443.

Ivan is rocked into the ropes, and Storm recognizes he needs more. He bounces off the ropes and comes back…

Nick Stuart: PATRIOT PUNCH FROM STORM!

Despite two haymakers that would’ve put down anyone else, Ivan is only rocked off-balance. One more would do it. He runs off the ropes for the Patriot Punch one more time, and…

BOOM.

…He dies.

Cause of death? A lariat delivered by a man who might be a real-life Space Marine without his armor. MD Storm might be lucky he didn’t get chunked into salsa on that one.

Anna Daniels, who’s just been an observer to this chaos, claps her hands like Charles Foster Kane at what just happened.

Ivan pulls MD Storm and, without ceremony, Red Scares him directly into the top turnbuckle.

OHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Nick Stuart: JESUS!

Richard Parker: Oh, he dead dead. York’s about to get another for his hordes.

Even though rope breaks are inconsequential here, Stanislav ranks MD Storm from the ropes and covers him with one knee on his chest, demanding that Nixon count.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Ivan Stanislav – 13 points

Nick Stuart: Ivan is just three points from the lead!

Richard Parker: And he’s going to keep destroying this kid until he actually has the lead.

Indeed, Ivan stands up, and after parading around the ring with his arms in the air, he yanks Storm up to his feet. Storm looks almost out of it, a combination of the brutal Red Scare he just took and 32 minutes of action have taken their toll on the Charm City Champion. He needs to be away from this. He needs help.

Help comes in the form of Crash Jackson flying from the top rope.

Nick Stuart: MISSILE DROPKICK! CRASH GETS ALL OF IT!

Crash Jackson is a compact, heavy high flier. He’s all muscle and hot dogs. So this dropkick is more like artillery fire buffeting a tank than a fly. It’s not something Ivan can simply shrug off. Ivan drops MD Storm and staggers backwards into the corner. Crash gets up and pulls a head of steam and…

…runs into the original Pirates of Dark Tuber, Potato Pete and Spud Wellington. Both 6’7” and 300 pounds, they form an unstoppable wall in front of Jackson in the form of a double-team spinebuster.

The Dark Tuber then willingly part like the Red Sea to clear the path for Ivan. Ivan is bewildered by their presence, as he’s been bewildered by everything related to the Pirates. But he takes advantage by hurling Crash out of the ring, causing him to crash (heh) on top of Kuroyama and Hunter.

Nick Stuart: Every time anyone puts up a fight against Ivan, these damned numbers give him the advantage again!

Richard Parker: It’s brilliant!

MD Storm is crawling away. He can do nothing else, not until he has time to recover from that Red Scare. But Ivan catches him and yanks him to his feet. Wristlock, lift up, and…

Nick Stuart: IRON CURTAIN!

Ivan drops down to make another cover.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE.

Ivan Stanislav – 18 points

Nick Stuart: Ivan now has the lead! He needed the help of an army to do it, but he’s going to run away with Manhunt if no one stops him!

Richard Parker: And no one will!

The time ticks away, and MD Storm’s time as the Fuckhead is about to end. Ivan is in control of Korakuen Hall, and no one seems able to stop him.

3.

2.

1.

BONG.

Round and round it all goes, and the wheel… remains cruel to those in Korakuen.

The wheel lands on a man within that building. A man who just tried to make his escape and is currently running for his life from the undead horde with no real place to go.

It’s landed on…

34:00 – BLAZE CLAYMORE IS THE FUCKHEAD

Ivan Stanislav, upon hearing this from Alexei, can only laugh.

Ivan Stanislav: DYAA-HAA-HAA!

In truth, while Ivan is seemingly unstoppable, it’s only because he hasn’t had to really run anywhere or have to chase anyone. He has minions for that. His leg is killing him, his bursts are taking longer for him to recover from, and he realizes now that he shouldn’t have been toying with his prey when time is of the essence. But he’s going to present himself as unstoppable because that is what he does.

So long as nothing goes wrong and the cage remains sealed, the Red Army will rule the day.

Claymore spends so much time worrying about what’s behind him that he quite literally runs into Potato Pete and Spud Wellington. The two mastodons bulldoze him to the ground and then throw him into the ring with Ivan. Serving him up on a silver platter, just as they did with MD Storm.

On the outside, Anna Daniels casually puts one foot on top of the fallen MD Storm like she’s using him as a footrest, and this evidently counts as a pin because Barlow counts him down.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE.

Anna Daniels – 6 points

Yes, that counts apparently. Anna seems almost as surprised as anyone, and likely once again wonders about how the rules really work around here.

And then…

The lights go out in Korakuen Hall.

Richard Parker: Wait. What’s happening?

Nick Stuart: I don’t know…

They’re out for several seconds. When they come back up, the game has changed.

All of the lights are back on, showing the crowd once more. And standing in that crowd are over a dozen members of the Bang! Pro Wrestling roster, no longer trapped in their locker room and all of them looking furious.

Richard Parker: WHAT IS GOING ON!?

The anarchists of DESTROY IT ALL stand in a semi-circle in front of Baron Taterton, who – for the first time since this began – shows considerable worry. Their leader, a young punk with silky long hair covering half his face and a sneer, is named Taka Sakuragi. The Hawkeye. His companions are all young punks, except for one – the legendary Izou Yoshida, the Ace of Spades who threw his lot in with DIA in January.

The Ironhearts are in the crowd, and their presence causes Rose and Bryan Dawkins to retreat towards the ring. Led by a handsome long-haired Japanese man in a cowboy hat and chaps named “Big Iron” Gorou Ichikawa, they have sworn revenge and stand ready to deliver some frontier justice, because swearing revenge and delivering frontier justice are the two things that the Ironhearts are all about.

The Kazuyagumi, represented by Pom Shinjoku and Kazuya Fukumaru, have arrived with katana and shinai respectfully and are already using them to fend off Taterton’s zombies as they try to rescue him from the beating he’s already catching from the anarchists.

And then there’s the Crownless Kingdom.

Claire Merci, their leader, casually and unceremoniously dispatches Terry Blackquill with a knee strike so vicious that he does a full flip and lands on his face. Ignacio el Jaguar, the Bang! Conception Champion (and yes, that is the actual name of the title, Bang! be like that), caves in a charging Cowabunga Kenji with a double stomp like he’s a goomba.

And finally, the World Openweight Champion of Bang! Pro Wrestling is in the ring.

Franco Marchesi, the Venetian Assassin, stands across the ring from Ivan Stanislav, and he’s heated. He tears his shirt off, ready to go.

Ivan doesn’t even know who he is.

Ivan also doesn’t know that Franco is only there to be a distraction.

From behind, RIA hits Ivan in the knee with the edge of a steel chair. Ivan, for all of his vaunted power and durability, crumples to his knees. Alexei jumps up on the apron, but he’s promptly pulled off by Scott Hunter. Alexei is almost bewildered by the interference of Hunter of all people, and his bewilderment is quickly answered with a Muay Thai-style elbow strike that knocks the hat and stupid look off of Alexei’s face and sends him to the ground.

Bryan Dawkins enters the ring to escape the Ironhearts, and…

Nick Stuart: WHAT A EUROPEAN UPPERCUT!

Marchesi gets a running start in the ropes and meets Dawkins with a flying move that’s both European Uppercut and headbutt. It’s known as the Flak Cannon, because it hits like one. Dawkins is flattened by it, and is sent under the bottom ropes and to the outside. Marchesi stands, and upon seeing the Pirates of Dark Tuber at ringside, is filled with an even greater fury. He runs the ropes again and comes flying over the top rope with a tope, bringing both Pirates down with his 6’5” frame.

Richard Parker: I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON ANY MORE!

Meanwhile, RIA goes to hit Ivan with the chair again, but Ivan grabs her by the throat. She immediately bites his wrist, so he pushes her away and backs into a corner. He gets ready to charge on her with all 400 alleged pounds, and…

…the camera zooms out slightly.

Powerslam Anubis rises to the apron and stands there. Ivan turns to see him, and he gets another headbutt from the Judgement King that rocks both men.

Moments later, RIA comes charging in with the chair.

SMACK!

Nick Stuart: GOOD LORD! RIA ALMOST CAVED IVAN’S HEAD IN WITH THAT CHAIR!

The chair’s seat opens up on impact, and Ivan wears it like the world’s least practical necklace. Anubis enters the ring over the ropes and lifts Ivan up to the top rope.  RIA, whose hands are shaking after that brutal chairshot, realizes that she wants to be anywhere but there as Anubis climbs up after Ivan. He pulls the chair off of the Russian Bear’s neck and tosses it into the face of a Rose who tries to stop him.

SMACK!

Nick Stuart: I don’t like where this is going.

Richard Parker: HE’S NOT IN THIS MATCH!

He sure isn’t.

But he may be the only man in the building who can do what he’s about to do to Ivan. He lifts Ivan up to his shoulders in a fireman’s carry. The ropes themselves buckle as he does this, clearly not meant to endure 700 pounds of human or god.

When they land… BOY DO THEY LAND.

CRAAAAAAAAASHHHHH!!!

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

It’s pandemonium in Korakuen Hall.

And for good reason.

A goddamn super Scales of Dominion, the fireman’s carry powerslam that puts the “Powerslam” in Powerslam Anubis, hits on a scale hitherto before unseen in the annals of PRIME or Bang! history. And whoever’s in charge of reinforcing the ring for this match between Anubis and Rory Hayes before all this went on? The taskmaster of Bang!, Inoue Doi, might actually feed them to the sharks after tonight is over.

Because…

…and hear me out here…

…the ring…

…has collapsed.

Nick Stuart: WHAT THE HELL!?

Richard Parker: NOT AGAIN!

Déjà vu.

Ivan is down. Anubis is down.

Stunned doesn’t even begin to describe what’s happened to everyone surrounding ringside. They all stopped fighting to bear witness to the spectacle of what just happened.

The only man who doesn’t is Alexei Ruslan. Alexei has staggered backstage, because he demands answers. He demands to know how the Bang! roster got out of their predicament. He demands to know how such well-laid plans could go so awry. How could any of this happen?

Then he sees the problem, and he can’t believe his eyes.

Seated on the forklift, backed away from the now-open locker room, there is… a bicycle. It has a crimson paint job that looks like it’s dripping. It has a Cinnamoroll-themed basket and deer antlers mounted on it. Alexei incredulously believes he hears Slayer’s “Raining Blood” whenever he casts his eyes over it.

Alexei Ruslan: …

Alexei chooses to pretend he didn’t see anything, because it doesn’t make any sense to him whatsoever.

In the broken ring, the “heroic” members of PRIME rally around the fallen Ivan. Sebastian Gold and Crash Jackson both set up ladders outside of the ring. RIA stands in the ring as though she herself is a zombie, almost daring Anna Daniels to come into the ring to stop her. Anna, for her part, does no such thing. In fact, the Muse gets out of her seat and starts to walk casually out of Korakuen Hall, as though she’s bored of all of this nonsense.

Blaze Claymore is still running from what few Tubers aren’t occupied with the outright gang war happening outside of the ring, MD Storm is lying half-conscious on the outside of the ring. Kerry Kuroyama and Scott Hunter execute a swift double-team stungun on a Tuber against what remains of the ring that puts him down.

Anubis drags himself to one of the fallen corners, and is pulled from the ring by his fellow Kingdom members, Claire and Ignacio.

Ivan stirs.

But what awaits him is doom.

Sebastian Gold and Crash Jackson are both at the tops of the ladders, and those ladders are being braced by members of the Ironhearts. Gold and Jackson both look at each other. Gold nods, and flies off first.

Nick Stuart: GOLD CRUSH! OFF THE LADDER, ONTO IVAN!

The Alias champion rolls off of Ivan holding his ribs in pain after landing his shooting star press. He has to. He needs to clear the way for…

Nick Stuart: AND A CRASH DOT COM!

The pandemonium only increases as Crash lands his devastating corkscrew shooting star press on Ivan. He, too, rolls off clutching his ribs in pain.

Meanwhile, RIA has seen the ladders, and she takes a steel chair with her as she climbs up to the top of one of them. Ivan is still down, but the man is like a battle tank and he looks like he’s going to get right back up at any mom–

FIGURE. FOUR. LEGLOCK.

Richard Parker: WHAAAAAT!?

Scott Hunter has entered the fray, and he immediately wraps up Ivan in his vaunted submission hold. Despite the way he acts, he’s no fool. He’d seen Ivan’s weakness a while ago. And while Ivan has huge legs and Hunter’s leglock might not seem as effective against him, what it does do is keep the Russian Bear immobilized.

Ivan recognizes this. He sees the danger climbing the ladder next to him. He sits up to try and forcibly remove Hunter’s leg from the figure four. Despite all of the punishment he’s taken, he keeps trying to rise up like Jason Vorhees. Kerry Kuroyama, however, snatches up Ivan’s head and locks him in a triangle sleeper hold with his legs.

RIA is at the top of the ladder. She is beat all to hell. She still feels the effect of that damned exploding ring deathmatch from last night. Her throat stings from the Iron Curtain. But she stands at the top of the ladder with a steel chair in hand. She takes a deep breath, knowing that this is a terrible idea.

Yet, for the Psychoberry, there’s always a pot of gold at the…

Nick Stuart: END OF THE RAINBOOOOOOW!!!

SMACK!

Ivan finally stops moving. Kerry comes up clutching his ankle, a small sacrifice to be made to neutralize the giant. Hunter keeps the Figure Four locked in. Sebastian Gold and Crash Jackson all pile on top of Ivan along with Ria and Kerry.

Elvis Nixon makes the count.

ONE.

Blaze Claymore suddenly jumps on late, not to break up the pin, but to add to the pile.

TWO.

Alexei tries to make the save. He’s the only one left who can stop this. He manages to make it to the ring as Claymore falls on top of the pile. But he’s stopped by someone he doesn’t expect.

MD Storm has been beaten to hell and back in Korakuen Hall at the hands of Ivan. Yet despite himself, he still manages to drag himself to his feet just long enough to intercept Alexei.

PATRIOT PUNCH.

Storm falls to the mat with the smug grin of satisfaction that points or no points, some motherfuckers just gotta get punched.

Alexei goes down just as Nixon’s hand does.

THREE!

OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Kerry Kuroyama – 3 points
Sebastian Gold – 6 points
Crash Jackson – 6 points
Blaze Claymore – 6 points
RIA – 9 points
Scott Hunter – 11 points

Richard Parker: HOW IS THAT ALLOWED!?

Nick Stuart: It happened earlier with Blaze Claymore, but it took everything everyone had to bring down the giant!

All parties roll off of Ivan. Moments later, Dawkins and Rose and Freeman all do the yeoman’s effort of getting Ivan out of the broken ring before Vae Victis and Nobody’s Heroes can pin him again. Alexei soon joins them, holding his jaw in pain.

The Red Army is in full retreat, and this time… it really is a retreat.

Blaze Claymore stands to celebrate his twelve points, placing him within six of the lead. Kuroyama, though hobbled on one leg after RIA found the pot of gold, instantly picks Claymore up in the fireman’s carry and sends him to hell with the Emerald Flowsion that follows.

Nick Stuart: KUROYAMA DRIVER II!

Kuroyama covers him.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Kerry Kuroyama – 8 points

And just in time, too.

We cut away from the chaos at Korakuen Hall, as the Red Army and Taterton’s undead minions retreat from the scene, to find that it’s time to find out who the new Fuckhead is.

3.

2.

1.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall… Who is the most fucked of all?

Round and round the wheel turns, and it lands on…

Well, this might be a tricky one to take down in an environment like this. With all the looks of a man of the mountains and the surly disposition of a storm, he’s a PRIME Hall of Famer, a two-time Universal Champion who never lost his championship, and a man whose job description it is to destroy and maim all that stands before he and the eGG Bandits.

Because he is…

36:00 – HESSIAN IS THE FUCKHEAD

The announcement comes as the Bandits had become separated in the fracas between themselves, Nate Colton, and FLAMBERGE. Colton had tried to go after Jiles, but Hessian intercepted him and those two started fighting. Meanwhile, Fuse and Gamble and Jiles all put the boots to FLAMBERGE with Colton occupied.

FLAMBERGE is a tough lizard, and he isn’t easily beaten down, but thirty minutes of fighting Nate Colton specifically had taken a lot out of him. Likewise, Colton is also battered for the same reasons. The Bandits are relatively fresh by comparison. Oh, and Steve Lemieux is lying in a fetal position hoping none of these insane men who are definitely the least Laser-like people he’s ever seen will go away.

Then Steve Harrison arrives. ‘Ol Banditsbane himself.

He doesn’t really see FLAMBERGE under the boots. He just sees a bunch of eGG Bandits, and he doesn’t like that. He also sees Conor Fuse, and he’s still not sure how he likes that. He just knows he has to do something about all these goddamn Bandits.

Nick Stuart: Harrison with a boot to Fuse!

Fuse falls to the ground. Harrison’s sudden appearance causes Tony Gamble to try his hand at dealing with the Miracle Man, but he is thoroughly dispatched with a quick German suplex, which… You know, the first floor concourse is not really the best place to take one of those. Gamble hits the ground hard, and rolls onto his stomach holding the back of his neck.

And that just leaves Jiles and Harrison, former tag team partners.

Harrison has been dying for a… conversation with this crumb for a long time. The two of them immediately come to blows, and Jiles is immediately on the backfoot… until he thumbs Harrison in the eye. The crumb. Jiles lines up for the superkick.

Nick Stuart: TERMINAL CA– LOW BLOW!

Harrison catches the foot and, with his own foot, kicks Jiles right in the Little Crumbs.

FLAMBERGE looks up at Harrison, and the Lizard King looks confused. Harrison, for his part, seems surprised. Not just at how he put Jiles on the ground, but also that FLAMBERGE is there. FLAMBERGE does not hesitate, however, to grab Tony Gamble and lock in the Marie Antoinette!

Necks, after all, had to be collected.

There’s several referees on the scene here between Bang!’s Ryuunosuke Doi and “Soft Hands” Tsukuji as well as DEFIANCE’s Mark Shi– oh. Oh dear. Mark’s leaving. He’s bored. Well, at least Tsukuji is there to peel FLAMBERGE off of Tony Gamble once the smaller man taps out to the vice grip guillotine choke.

FLAMBERGE – 3 points

Nick Stuart: I can’t believe it’s taken this long for FLAMBERGE to score points!

Richard Parker: I think he was focused on the neck that keeps getting away. The white whale of necks, if you will. Moby Collar, if you will.

Nick Stuart: Stop.

Hessian, meanwhile, seems like he has the upper hand on Nate Colton. Enough that he might be looking to Hellavate Colton’s life. But Colton slips out from behind Hessian and snatches him up in a quick rollup. Benny Doyle’s right there…

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Nate Colton – 5 points

Colton’s eyes search the floor until he meets FLAMBERGE’s. The reason? So he can give him the finger. As if to say, “Ha ha, I’m in the lead!”

Hessian gets up as though he didn’t just give up five points and he grabs Colton by the throat and throws him down the fucking stairs to the first floor concourse. Hessian does not pursue the New Diamond, and instead turns his attention to Harrison.

He’s still got fuckin’ beef with that motherfucker.

Hessian pulls Harrison away from Jiles and grabs him by the throat. He pushes Harrison back until they reach one of the restaurants. With a casual shove, he sends Harrison over the corner and damn near into the lap of one of the poor saps having work the counter that night.

Nick Stuart: Harrison goes right into the curry restaurant!

Richard Parker: Oh no!

As Hessian moves back to the rest of the Bandits, FLAMBERGE realizes that this leaves him as the only non-Bandit among the Bandits. He stands up, kicking Gamble’s body away from him as he does. Jiles is hobbling from getting kicked in the crumbs by Harrison. Fuse is back up, wiping away a little trickle of blood from his mouth. He’s still pretty chipper about this whole thing, though.

Things are looking bad for the Lizard King, but…

???: Oh? What’s all this, then?

…A hand falls on FLAMBERGE’s shoulder. FLAMBERGE jumps and raises his fist to punch whoever just touched him, but he hesitates. And then a smile comes over his face. Uh, I think that’s a smile. Actually, I don’t know if FLAMBERGE knows how to smile. It’s an expression of some description, that’s what can be said.

Either way…

…Cecilworth Farthington stands by his side.

Farthington scans the individuals here. He knows the eGG Bandits. He still has unfinished business with Jiles, and…

…He locks eyes with Conor Fuse and oops, the rage is boiling up inside of him. That can’t be good.

Nick Stuart: Conor Fuse and Cecilworth Farthington in the same room together, that can’t be good.

Richard Parker: Understatement. Of. The. Year.

The situation is already at a boiling point. Two of the Glueminati’s founding members stand shoulder-to-shoulder. They’re still outnumbered, four-to-two, and..

A hand appears in front of Cecilworth’s face, dangling a suspicious gold object. One with chair insignias imprinted upon them.

It’s the 2-iron.

???: Sup, Cecilworth, you might need this.

Cecilworth’s rage is replaced with a daring grin. I think that’s a grin. Expressions are a bit of a mystery for the Glueminati, really. The camera pans to the right.

It’s Joe Fontaine, who stands next to Cecilworth, the 7-iron screaming in his hand. Literally.

It’s four-to-three, now. The odds are a little more even. Except that one side has a Hessian, and Hessian is a bulldozer on legs. He’s big enough that he might be able to eat Joe Fontaine.

Nick Stuart: FLAMBERGE is getting backup from the Glueminati here and…

And then another man enters the fray. No, not fabby. fabby’s just standing behind Joe Fontaine as though he’s furniture, carrying the big bag of jolf clubs with him. He doesn’t really count as people according to most people, some animals, and the alien chair screaming in Joe’s hands.

No. It’s the fourth man of Glue.

Though battered and bruised from the constant war he’d been fighting for the entire weekend whether it’s Jason Snow or the Manhunt, not to mention his fall from the stage earlier in the night, this individual has plenty more beef to have with the Bandits.

After all, it’s the man that once brought down COOLYMPUS: Hayes Hanlon.

The Glueminati stands across from the eGG Bandits, both sides waiting for someone to make the first move.

Nick Stuart: The Glueminati! The eGG Bandits!

Something has to happen. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on who you ask, there’s a wheel. And that wheel turns in…

3.

2.

1.

BONG.

Around it goes. And where it stops… Well, that’s the signal for the eGG Bandits and the Glueminati to engage in some mortal combat.

Richard Parker: Why couldn’t this happen like thirty minutes ago!?

You might be wondering why Richard Parker would exclaim this. Well, the man on the tron might not have the manbun any more and his hair hangs loosely in a weird mop of hair… but that foolish, seemingly vacant grin is still there. He’s also in the company of the world’s least respected man, whose name sometimes doesn’t even justify capital letters when we talk about him.

Anyone else would hate to be in his position.

38:00 – JOE FONTAINE IS THE FUCKHEAD

But Joe Fontaine? He relishes the spotlight.

His reaction to learning that he’s the marked man is, surprisingly, not one of fear. It’s laughter. He tightens his grip on the 7-iron.

Everything happens at once. Jiles immediately goes for the Terminal Cancer on Fontaine, but before his foot can connect with that stupid face, FLAMBERGE intercepts the kick and punches Jiles in the mouth! Hessian moves to protect Jiles at all costs, but that’s when Joe Fontaine brings the 7-iron screaming (literally) into Hessian and hits him hard enough to stun the 7’2” giant.

Richard Parker: What the hell is that chair made of, screamythril!?

Nick Stuart: Didn’t you take a jolf correspondence course? You should know.

Richard Parker: It was very vague about what the 7-iron actually is.

Hanlon moves to grapple the stunned Hessian and pull him away. Meanwhile, Tony Gamble moves in to attack Joe Fontaine and rob him of his delicious points – or at least the 7-iron.

Jiles and FLAMBERGE get into it immediately, both men hammering each other with fists like stone. The King of Crumbs and the King of Lizards fight like Godzilla and a saltier Mecha-Godzilla, and eventually their fight takes them towards the mural near the stairs. There, FLAMBERGE briefly gains the upper hand, battering Jiles in the ribs with clenched knees and hard elbows. Despite the fact that Jiles is physically wilting in the face of these pointed blows from maybe the most dangerous weirdo in all of PRIME,

The only two men who didn’t move in this entire mess are Conor Fuse and Cecilworth Farthington.

Two men who’ve never really had a fair one-on-one match before.

A dream match anywhere.

Conor is almost giddy at the prospect. Cecilworth looks like he might have swallowed a cat. He even sets the 2-iron aside, stowing it away in a place best left undescribed.

Then the two look to the one place that might be a better venue for all of this: The door leading to ringside. Wordlessly, the two men nod, and together, they start walking in that direction. Both are wary enough to keep their heads on a swivel in case of a swift and brutal betrayal. Neither man acts on that impulse.

Nick Stuart: Conor Fuse and Cecilworth Farthington are making their way to the ring!

Richard Parker: cOnOr fUsE is about to get turned into gamer fuel. Like, pretzel-shaped gamer fuel.

As they walk to ringside, The Anglo Luchador and Chandler Tsonda look up and see what’s coming. None of these three men are in great shape. TAL was still hurting from the previous night’s tag match. Tsonda spent a lot of his time being Hessian’s ragdoll. All three had been taking the time to rest after everyone else had left.

Oh, and Quinn Fleetwood is there, too.

He’s probably dead.

Fuse and Farthington leap over the barricade and to the ringside area on opposite sides. They each climb up the steps on opposite sides, and enter the ring on opposite sides. The fans in Tokyo – the ones that hadn’t been displaced or ran for their lives over the course of all of this mayhem – are going crazy.

A dream match is about to take place right in the middle of Manhunt, in the ring, in the fucking Tokyo Dome.

Richard Parker: I’m so excited, Nick!

We cut back to the second floor concourse.

Richard Parker: HEY!

You and everybody else, buddy.

Hessian throws Hanlon to the side, and catches Fontaine’s 7-iron as it’s about to come for his head. He sneers at it, the material it’s made of reminding him too much of what destroyed Parts Unknown, and rips it away from Fontaine’s hands.

Joe Fontaine responds with a smile, and then he punches Hessian in the dick. Full-on Johnny Cage shit here, the splits followed by the straight punch.

Even Hessian can’t no-sell the almighty power of Dick Puncher the Invincible.

And then Joe is hit in the back by Tony Gamble.

SMACK!

Gamble procured a 9-iron from fabby by way of kicking him in the nuts and stealing the first thing he could grab, and hit Joe with it. Hanlon snatches the 9-iron out of Gamble’s hands before he could swing it again, and the two of them fight over it. Meanwhile, Hessian falls on top of Joe, and Doyle is right there.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Hessian – 5 points

Nick Stuart: Not sure he’ll be thrilled with how he got on the board, but Hessian is on the board!

Richard Parker: Points are points, Nick!

Hessian winces in pain as he gets up. Joe writhes on the ground, and Hessian recognizes that he has a good opportunity to score more points with the Fuckhead down before him. He pulls Joe up bodily, with one motion, up to his shoulder. A Hellavator would be disastrous on the concourse floor, especially considering that we just got Joe Fontaine back from the dead and all.

Fortunately for everyone (citation needed), Joe has a fabby.

The mysterious(?) masked man steps in at the key moment, grabbing Joe by the foot and pulling him off of Hessian’s shoulder. Hessian whirls around and sees this piece of furniture that walks like a man. He stands there. He doesn’t so much as attempt to fight Hessian in Joe’s place. Hessian… is puzzled, to say the least. Something about his eyes might actually seem a little familiar to the Hess Express, but he can’t put his finger on it.

SMACK!

Hayes Hanlon hits Hessian in the back with the 9-iron.

Hessian turns around like someone tapped him on the shoulders, and…

SMACK!

He gets clobbered over the head with the same 9-iron and falls to the ground.

Joe grabs the 8-iron – the lightweight steel chair – and both Hanlon and Fontaine take turns smashing some jolf clubs over Hessian.

SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!!!

You might be wondering what happened to Tony Gamble. Well, Hayes Hanlon did what should be done with a guy like Tony Gamble, and he threw him into the garbage. That’s not even hyperbole. Gamble’s legs are sticking out from a garbage can, kicking incessantly to try and tip himself over so he can get out. He’s so far unsuccessful.

With Hessian down, Hanlon and Fontaine each jump on top of him.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Joe Fontaine – 13 points
Hayes Hanlon – 13 points
…
Ben Lynch – 11 points

Richard Parker: What the!?

Nick Stuart: Ben Lynch just saw an opportunity and he’s got three points because of it!

Both Hanlon and Fontaine look up to see the Jerkass Woobie take off running almost the instant Doyle’s hand hits the ground for the third time. Evidently, he jumped on Hessian as the three count was being made, and he got credit for the pin. Lynch runs down the stairs and into Gorumet Street, and Hanlon and Fontaine both chase after him because that shit wasn’t right.

However, the moment they get down the stairs, they discover that Lynch is nowhere in sight… and Nate Colton is there instead.

Hanlon stops and stares daggers (by They Came As Romans) at Colton.

Fontaine keeps running, leaving Hanlon and Colton to go face-to-face. There’s no love lost between them. Hanlon’s mustache rumbles, and something like steam comes out from his nostrils. Colton never wavers. Colton shoves Hanlon. Hanlon shoves Colton.

And then they start punching each other in the face.

Nick Stuart: COLTON AND HANLON! RIGHT HANDS FROM BOTH!

Their fight starts to spill out into the crowd, though neither seem interested in taking this sort of thing into the ring. Hanlon gets an advantage by snatching a fan’s beer and splashing it into Colton’s face, then driving his knee into his gut. Some more right hands, but Colton blocks the third of them and answers with several of his own.

In the ring, Conor Fuse and Cecilworth Farthington circle one another. It’s like they’re now completely divorced from the mayhem that surrounds them in the Tokyo Dome area. When they lock up, it’s like the entire Manhunt is a distant memory. Now it’s two very good pro wrestlers actually doing some pro wrestling.

Finally, after all of that circling, there’s a collar-and-elbow tieup. What a novel idea in the Manhunt match! They jockey for position. They’re evenly matched. And then…

The countdown timer starts.

3.

2.

1.

BONG.

We’re going to give credit to the PRIME graphics department for being on the ball on this one, folks.

They had twenty whole minutes to prepare for this very moment.

Because the wheel stops on…

40:00 – cOnOr fUsE IS THE FUCKHEAD

They even got the warbles.

Cecilworth looks visibly perturbed, and we’re only saying this because his scowl got slightly scowlier. This changes the dynamics of what’s going on considerably. In his head, Cecilworth is doing the mental calculus on whether he should go right for the kill or deal with the swarm of idiots looking to capitalize on Conor’s newfound Fuckhead status.

The Financier’s scowl only grows when Quinn Fleetwood finds it in his heart and soul (he has those) (somewhere) (we haven’t really gone looking or anything yet) to jump into the ring and hit Fuse from behind. The former Fist of DEFIANCE hits the mat and covers up as Quinn vents out some frustrations on him while Cecilworth looks like he’s shaking with a deep rage.

Quinn stops and raises his arms in the air as though he’s about to score himself five beautiful points, and…

Kick.

Wham.

WORTHLESS.

Cecilworth Farthington just busted all of Quinn Fleetwood’s fishermen and might have sunk his battleship, too. Farthington grabs Fleetwood’s arm. Normally, this’d be an Article 51 type of situation. You know, snippy-snap, snickers snack. But there is a devil inside Cecilworth Farthington and it loves pretzels. Pretzels are its favorite snickers snack. He pulls Fleetwood into an omaplata, arms laced through the legs… and then he grabs his leg. Right into the stretch muffler.

You’ll never see a man slap a mat faster or harder than Quinn Fleetwood right now.

Cecilworth Farthington – 13 points

Richard Parker: Thanks for coming, Mr. Fleetwood!

Nick Stuart: The things that man can do to the human body! Cecilworth Farthington may be the most dangerous man in PRIME just on that alone!

Someone is going to take that as a challenge.

As Cecilworth contemptuously releases the hold on Fleetwood, he turns around and gets kicked in the gut by none other than Jackson Cooley. A double arm DDT puts Cecilworth down, and it’s only by the grace of bouncing over the bottom rope and to the floor that he doesn’t give up points right then and there.

Nick Stuart: Jackson Cooley with the Double Down!

Richard Parker: Where did he come from!?

Cooley, whom we haven’t seen in a little bit, had been lying in wait for an opportunity like this one. As Conor Fuse recovers from getting attacked by Quinn Fleetwood, he walks right into Cooley who kicks him in the gut and aims to feed him a Double Down. Unfortunately for him, Fuse has had his fucking fill of KFC as of late, and he pushes Cooley hard into the corner like a battering ram.

Conor batters Cooley with elbows in the gut, which Cooley laughs at in an intermittent way. You know, try laughing when someone is elbowing you in the stomach. Like that.

As the fight in the second floor concourse between Cancer Jiles and FLAMBERGE spills out into the crowd, Fuse manages to grab Cooley and deliver a high impact DDT. We’ll call it a 720i. Cooley bounces up and to the ground, and Fuse is…

Nick Stuart: MODEL CITIZEN!

…wiped out.

Tsonda hits him with the moonsault and comes up clutching his ribs. He’s still holding on to them as he falls on top of Fuse. “Hot Pants” Shiraishi is right there for the count.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Chandler Tsonda – 14 points

Nick Stuart: Conor Fuse gives up points, and the ring is starting to fill up with men looking to take advantage!

Indeed, it’s like the swarm coming back for seconds. Jiles and FLAMBERGE spill out to the floor, with the Neck Collector in hot pursuit of a fresh video game kid neck and Jiles looking to spoil that fun. Ben Lynch and Joe Fontaine’s merry chase have also led them out into the crowd, and Lynch is quick to slide into the ring, boot Tsonda in the head to kick him off, and jumps on Fuse.

ONE.

TWO.

FONTAINE!

Nick Stuart: I… Do I really have to say the name of this move?

Richard Parker: It’s kind of your job.

Nick Stuart sighs.

Nick Stuart: Joe Fontaine with the Aerial Maneuver Dedicated To The Memory Of “Mr. Extinction Level Event” Arnold Killmore Who Isn’t Dead But I’m Just Thinking About Him Right Now While I’m Naming This Move Okay Thanks Here Comes The Move Now!

Richard Parker: That call took like ten times longer than the move itself.

The springboard shooting star press – that’s what that whole mess is called – catches Lynch in the back and knocks him off of Fuse. After a few moments of holding his ribs in pain, Joe goes for the cover on the current Fuckhead.

ONE.

TWO.

JILES!

Richard Parker: Oh, this is worse.

Jiles picks up Fontaine and pitches him out of the ring. Before he has any chance to take advantage or move to help (or take advantage of) his fellow Bandit(?), FLAMBERGE jumps on him with the fury of a lizard performing lizard martial arts. Jiles hits the mat and the Neck Collector begins beating him like a goddamn drum.

All the while, Hayes Hanlon and Nate Colton continue to go at it in the crowd. It’s like Colton traded one face-punching partner for another.

Back at the second floor concourse, Hessian and Gamble are recovering from the fight between the Bandits and the Glueminati. Steve Harrison hops over the counter, looking for round three with the Murder Show.

Then something comes through the front doors.

And everything goes to hell.

The group consisting of Vae Victis and Nobody’s Heroes, plus MD Storm, have returned to the Tokyo Dome. They’ve done so in the middle of everything breaking down between them. The Alias Champion, Sebastian Gold, is in a pitched fight with the former Alias champion, RIA. Kerry Kuroyama and Crash Jackson go toe-to-toe. MD Storm has Scott Hunter in a side headlock and is trying to guide him down the hallway. Blaze Claymore limps in after them, still clearly reeling from all of the bad things that happened to him in Korakuen Hall.

With them are PRIME referees Elvis Nixon and Ashley Barlow, who have collectively decided to not talk about what just happened in Korakuen Hall.

Nick Stuart: We’ve got people coming back in from Korakuen Hall!

Richard Parker: Where’s Ivan!?

Wherever he is, he’s not there.

Their fights spill out all over the second floor concourse. Harrison takes one look at everything going on and decides to head for the ring, breaking out into a jog as he looks to reach Fuse before his time as the Fuckhead ends.

He gets there as fabby is helping Fontaine to his feet. Without any preamble, he takes the “sand wedje” from the jolf bag that fabby has on his back and enters the ring. The sand wedje is, of course, the one whose headrest is purposefully built into an L-shape. Bad for sitting.

He stands over the fallen Conor Fuse and raises this thing up over his head. If he hits him with this, he might actually behead him.

And then TAL stops him.

Nick Stuart: Everyone is, for one reason or another, trying to kill and save Conor Fuse right now!

Richard Parker: Why? It’s cOnOr fUsE!

TAL pulls the sand wedje from Harrison’s hands. He’s seen enough jolf clubs for one weekend, so he throws it out of the ring. Harrison does not hesitate to punch TAL in the mouth for it, and the two men immediately begin a brawl that causes both men to tumble to the canvas, fists flying.

You might think we’re done with people trying to murder the loveable and huggable Conor Fuse.

We’re not.

As Conor convalesces in the middle of the ring, Hayes Hanlon enters the ring. Behind him, Nate Colton. Hanlon sees Colton there and charges on him, but Colton sidesteps him and throws him over the top rope. Hanlon lands on his feet, but only in time for Ben Lynch to grab him by the ankles and pull him off. Lynch jumps up on the apron with the intention of getting in there as the seconds tick away. Instead, Colton blasts him with a punch. This sends Lynch into Hanlon, who catches him and drops him with…

Nick Stuart: THE EPOCH! ON THE OUTSIDE!

We might need a spatula for Mr. Lynch. Hanlon goes for the cover, and referee “Soft Hands” Tsukuji makes the count.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE.

Hayes Hanlon – 18 points

Nick Stuart: Hayes Hanlon ties for the lead!

Richard Parker: Oh, Ivan must be furious right now.

In the ring, Nate Colton bodily lifts Conor Fuse up off of the canvas in the Colton Clutch. The suplex follows.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Nate Colton – 10 points

Nick Stuart: Nate Colton scores again!

Outside of the ring, FLAMBERGE looks up from his battle with Cancer Jiles and fumes angrily. He does not, however, have time to consider this.

Because the time ticks down.

3.

2.

1.

BONG.

The wheel turns.

And it stops on a man who’s had plenty of problems in this match, most of them Hawaiian. It stops on a man who has accomplished so much in so little time. It stops on…

42:00 – SEBASTIAN GOLD IS THE FUCKHEAD

…the Alias Champion.

Sebastian Gold feels like the air in the second floor concourse just got sucked away, and the tension of several eyes shifting over to him becomes overwhelming. Action Bastion just became public enemy #1. MD Storm and Hunter stop what they’re doing to stare daggers at him. Kuroyama takes the moment to toss Crash Jackson into the much-abused Taco Bell. RIA hesitates slightly, realizing that the man he’s been in a fight with is now the target.

Gold takes the assessment of the four-on-one fight, and recognizes that this is not the place he wants to be.

He makes a tactical retreat.

Nick Stuart: The Alias Champion is a wanted man!

Richard Parker: He already was, being a champion in PRIME, but now he might actually die.

Sebs runs out of the concourse and into the crowd. He makes it down to the entrance to the first floor concourse, only to turn right and realize that there’s two individuals there. One has a koala attached to his face, the other is Anna Daniels. Daniels has accepted that there is a man with a koala on his face in their lives. Daniels also sees that Sebastian Gold is there, and makes to go murder him.

Gold turns to go down the stairs towards the ring.

He stops, though, because further down the steps are two men already coming up to say hello: Joe Fontaine and the Fabulous Gold Mask. Fontaine has the 7-iron again. It’s screaming for blood. Literally.

He turns left to avoid them, only to discover that Kuroyama and Hunter have taken the opportunity to go that way to cut him off. He turns around to see RIA and MD Storm approaching from behind. Blaze Claymore lags behind the two of them, lying in wait.

Not a lot of options, right?

But this is Sebastian Gold we’re talking about. He’s the Alias Champion. This man once made stunts for a living.

He sees a path forward to avoid all of them.

Sebs puts one boot on the top of the seat in front of him, cheekily salutes the approaching masses looking to take five points off of him, takes a deep breath…

Nick Stuart: Wait, what…

…And then he takes off.

Running along the tops of the seats in the very center of the section, Gold is putting whatever parkour skills he’s got to work. If he makes any mistake at all, if he loses his balance, he’s gonna fall between the seats and eat shit and get pinned. He has to move around fans who hadn’t left their seats during the mayhem. And when Fontaine moves in to try and intercept him, Gold manages to hop over him, lands on the seat past Fontaine, and keeps moving. Fontaine and the 7-iron both scream at him.

With one final leap, Gold lands on top of the dugout.

Nick Stuart: Sebastian Gold is doing a little parkour out here!

Richard Parker: It isn’t really parkour if you’re not shouting “parkour” while you do it.

Sebs turns towards his pursuers and gives them a bow, and then he casually hops off of the dugout an–

Nick Stuart: SNAKE EYES!

Sebs lands right into Snow’s superkick. It’s like the Original Villain always knew Sebastian Gold would be there. Wordless. Soundless. There is nothing in Jason Snow except a desire to hurt. The only reason he stops to cover Gold is because he sees referee Elvis Nixon coming.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Jason Snow – 8 points

Snow stands. He doesn’t so much as celebrate. He simply walks towards the next target.

The wolves arrive to pick up Sebs’ carcass as he does. Kerry Kuroyama and Scott Hunter are the first to arrive. MD Storm and Anna Daniels have picked up a fight in the crowd, while Blaze Claymore is trying to race to reach the fallen Gold and Crash Jackson is stopping him. All the while, Joe Fontaine and fabby both choose to hang back and observe.

Jason Snow slightly turns his head to see Kuroyama and Hunter approach, but simply moves towards the ring instead. He gets as far as the guardrail before he comes face-to-face with the only man in Manhunt he has any sort of desire to kill beyond a mechanical need for it: Hayes Hanlon.

Hanlon, tied for the lead, had been stalking after Ben Lynch as he crawls away from Home Run Hayes. He stops what he’s doing when he sees Snow. Steam rises from underneath that magnificent mustache. It only takes a microsecond for the two Night One opponents to start fighting again. Snow pulls Hanlon over the guardrails and they fight in the crowd.

Nick Stuart: It’s chaos out here! Most of the participants of Manhunt are back in the Tokyo Dome!

Richard Parker: But not the Red Army… where’s the Red Army?

We cut to the second floor concourse. Hessian and Tony Gamble have recovered, and are discussing what to do next when a massive figure comes through the front doors. He’s battered and bruised. He’s still suffering the indignity of what happened to him in Korakuen. He is pissed off. And he is equal parts unstoppable, unbeatable, and indefatigable.

Ivan Stanislav is in the Tokyo Dome.

Welcome to Defcon 1.

Richard Parker: We should’ve put in for a fucking bunker for this one, Nick.

Nick Stuart: Not sure that would help.

No one gives this memo to Hessian, however. He smiles the biggest grin he’s smiled in this entire match. The two giants approach each other with an electricity building in the air. Their previous encounter left a sour taste in both men’s mouths. For Hessian, he ultimately lost that match. For Ivan, it was the moment Hessian joined the eGG Bandits – a group he continues to hate more than any other.

Now, this is about the time that the Red Army goons appear to back Ivan up. This does not happen. The moment Bryan Dawkins appears, Tony Gamble takes it upon himself to be upon him. Kenny Freeman? Well, he was going to help, but he trips over the body of Steve Lemieux – who is still lying curled up in a fetal position hoping no one notices him. When Kenny turns to see what happened, he takes it upon himself to start beating him up.

Nick Stuart: I almost feel bad for Steve Lemieux.

Richard Parker: …Almost?

Rose slips past all of this, but as she’s about to intervene in the battle between two monsters, she is rather casually swatted away by both behemoths at the same time. It’s entirely possible that they didn’t even notice she was there.

Richard Parker: I wouldn’t want to get between those two in a kaiju fight.

Nick Stuart: Even Godzilla might think twice!

They come to blows, neither monster backing down.

So, you might be wondering where Alexei is.

We cut to just outside the Tokyo Dome. Alexei is having an animated argument with Baron Taterton about whose fault it was that the events in Korakuen Hall happened. Alexei is heated. Taterton is nursing multiple contusions across his face from being beaten to death by a group that calls itself DESTROY IT ALL.

Alexei gets fed up and turns to enter the Tokyo Dome behind the rest of the Red Army.

He doesn’t get the chance.

A man with blonde hair and blue highlights stands there, scars across his whole body. Alexei barely has any time to register he’s there, much less wonder how he got so close without his notice, before he gets pumpkicked so hard that he might actually acknowledge it on the next Think Red.

Sean “Token Weed” Walters barely even acknowledges what he did besides looking down to see Alexei on the ground, unmoving. He looks up to see York Taterton, and scowls. Baron Taterton, necromancer of the highest order, enemy of mankind forevermore, reacts appropriately.

He screams like a little girl and runs for his life.

Walters shrugs and walks away.

Nick Stuart: I don’t think we’re seeing Alexei for the remaining minutes of this match.

Richard Parker: How is that allowed!?

Back at ringside, Kerry Kuroyama and Scott Hunter are both attempting to pin the fallen Sebastian Gold. However, when Kerry tries to pin him, Scott pulls him off. And when Scott tries to pin him, Kerry pulls him off. Neither man is happy about this turn of events. The usually stoic Kuroyama is turning red with anger. The usually goofy Scott Hunter is ready to throw down.

Clearly, both had forgotten that the precedent had already been set that they could both pin him.

As they stare each other down, Blaze Claymore arrives on the scene with Crash Jackson in pursuit. Without hesitation, Kuroyama unleashes a yakuza kick to the face of Jackson. Similarly, Hunter catches Claymore coming in with a giant spinebuster, putting him on the ground. Both men cover their guys, and Nixon makes the count.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Kerry Kuroyama – 11 points
Scott Hunter – 14 points

They high-five each other, as though forgetting their argument just moments ago.

Above them, though, Bryan Dawkins is standing at the lip of the dugout’s roof, having briefly dispatched Gamble. He hasn’t done a lot of high flying since he returned to PRIME, but the Flyin’ Hawaiian comes sailing off of the roof and into the crowd below him!

Nick Stuart: DAWKINS! OUT OF NOWHERE!

Dawkins lands on top of Hunter and he stays on for the cover.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Bryan Dawkins – 3 points

Nick Stuart: Bryan Dawkins is finally on the board!

However, it’s not Hunter or Kuroyama or Claymore, or even Crash Jackson that Bryan Dawkins has his sights set on.

It’s Sebastian Gold.

The Alias Champion is getting to his feet, but Dawkins is on him, grabbing the arm and dropping down on top of it with a…

Nick Stuart: FUJIWARA ARMBAR!

Dawkins wrenches back on the hold as hard as he can, cranking it like he’s rapidly pulling a lever. Dawkins is desperate in trying to catch the submission on his nemesis, a man he vowed he would destroy in the Manhunt. Sebs bites on his hand to keep himself from submitting.

His time as the Fuckhead is coming to an end.

3.

Gold raises his hand like he’s going to tap out.

2.

…And he is saved at the last minute by Crash Jackson, who dives on top of Dawkins and forces him to break the hold, denying him the satisfaction of taking five points off his rival.

1.

BONG.

Round and round she goes, and the man that it stops on is not unidentified, flying, an object, or made from Skittles. One of the greatest Intense champions, a great Tag Team champion as well, and he stands in the ring accepting that he’s about to get fucked.

44:00 – THE ANGLO LUCHADOR IS THE FUCKHEAD

When we last left the Anglo Luchador, he was brawling with Steve Harrison around ringside.

When the announcement of TAL’s ascendancy to “fuckhead” territory comes over the PA system, something shifts in the way they’re fighting. For TAL, it’s to get away from the Miracle Man as quickly as he can. For Harrison, it’s to kill him.

TAL can’t just turn and leave and run away for the next two minutes. He’s exhausted, his old bones aren’t what they once were. Harrison would catch him and then suplex him so hard that he disintegrates into Skittles, and nobody wants that. Least of all TAL.

The Anglo Luchador ducks under Harrison going for the knockout shot, and then leaps onto the ring apron. In the ring, Nate Colton and FLAMBERGE have spotted each other again, and they’re about to get into another Monster Hunter-style turf war where everybody needs to get the fuck out of the way if they didn’t want to get ruined.

Richard Parker: Those two should just kiss already.

Nick Stuart: Stop that.

TAL rolls into the ring through the top and middle ropes, and hits both Colton and FLAMBERGE with a dropkick to knock them both to the outside. TAL looks out at the crowd on the floor, which includes a bewildered Harrison who now has to deal with Colton and FLAMBERGE resuming their fight as though they didn’t just get dropkicked out of the ring, and knows what he has to do.

He looks up to the sky for guidance from some Aztec god before he runs into the ropes behind him and DOES A BARREL ROLL over the top rope, crashing down on top of all three men on the outside.

Nick Stuart: TAL over the top rope!

Richard Parker: Is he insane!? He should be getting the hell out of there!

Nick Stuart: That’s not in TAL’s nature. The word “retreat” is not in his vocabulary.

Richard Parker: He should buy a dictionary, then!

TAL grabs FLAMBERGE in particular, having plenty of grudges with the Lizard King. However, he’s also ganged up upon by Nate Colton and Steve Harrison. Fights ensue between the four men, until…

Nick Stuart: Is that… That’s Joe Fontaine in the ring!

And worse, it’s Joe Fontaine with a bonafide 3-iron.

Richard Parker: Oh no, I know what that is.

It’s a small steel chair, roughly the size of a large Barbie doll, laced with barbed wire. Evil, nasty little thing. Joe takes off against the ropes and fires himself through the ropes like a bullet into the crowd.

SMACK!

Joe’s body hits everyone else including his own Glueminati mate in FLAMBERGE. FLAMBERGE isn’t complaining, though, Joe understood the assignment. The assignment being “fuck Nate Colton in particular”. The chair went right into his face and he goes down clutching his already-bleeding face.

Nick Stuart: GOOD LORD!

Both Scott Hunter and Kerry Kuroyama enter the ring, right around the time that Conor Fuse gets his bearings again. He comes charging at the Vae Victis duo, but both Hunter and Kuroyama react in the same way. They each grab Conor by the arm and fling him high into the air.

Over the top rope.

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

And into the gathering crowd at ringside, bowling over Fontaine, FLAMBERGE, Harrison, TAL, and a now-bloodied Colton. They all fall over like bowling pins, and Conor comes up on top of TAL in the fracas – with DEFIANCE’s own Benny Doyle ready to make the count.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

cOnOr fUsE – 11 points

Nick Stuart: CONOR FUSE WITH THE SCORE!

Richard Parker: cOnOr fUsE WITH THE SCORE, you mean. Gotta do the warbles, remember?

Scott Hunter sees this happen, and recognizes that he too must take a huge risk. He hops up and down on his feet, and Kerry even helpfully holds open the ropes so that Scott can dive on through.

Scott takes his time to measure the exact velocity he needs to clear the ropes. The last thing he wants to do is to get his feet caught on the ropes as he flies and he falls right on his face, after all! After a few moments, Scott runs into the opposite ropes, comes back, and…

…he steps through the ropes casually, plants his feet on the apron, and then drops a casual double axehandle over the bloodied face of Nate Colton.

Success!

Nick Stuart: EVEN SCOTT HUNTER’S IN ON THE HIGH FLYING!

Richard Parker: Um. Yeah. High flying. Yes. Verily.

Scott Hunter walks off and starts parading around ringside with his arms held up in the air. Kuroyama, in the ring, shakes his head with a half-amused look on his face as he steps away from the ropes.

Then his expression turns serious. SURRIOUS, if you will.

He sees the crowd at ringside, and sees an opportunity.

Richard Parker: What is Kerry thinking?

Something he didn’t do normally. A huge risk to say the very least. He takes off running against the ropes, and then he leaps over the top ropes. His body hits the crowd, but only after the lariat he threw in concert with the dive knocks the soul out of the Fabulous Gold Mask.

Do not mourn or feel sorry for him. He deserves it.

Kuroyama bodily picks up TAL and throws him back into the ring. The Emerald Apex is feeling it. He is physically battered from his war with Daytona the previous night, as well as the last 44 minutes of being in the thick of Manhunt.

All he needs to do is put the Luchador on the ground.

Pumphandle. Lift. The Kuroyama Driver cometh… until it doesn’t.

The Luchador kicks his feet as he’s about to get Driven in a Kuroyama way, and he rolls him up from behind.

It gets two. Both scramble to their feet, and a dropkick to Kuroyama’s knee drops him to his knees. That’s when TAL goes for an atypical maneuver in a match like this: ye olde la majistral cradle.

But as TAL pulls himself in, Kuroyama grabs the leg and stops him mid-roll into a pinning predicament with Tsukuji on the count!

ONE.

TWO.

TAL manages to kick out. However, Kuroyama is far quicker to recover from the near-pinfall, and he does not hesitate to take advantage of TAL’s bewildered confusion. He boots him in the gut.

Nick Stuart: JUDGEMENT BOLT BOMB!

The Dominator slam crushes the Luchador, and Kerry pulls him up again for the Kuroyama Driver. This time, it connects and Kuroyama leaps onto the cover.

Nick Stuart: KUROYAMA DRIVER I!

ONE.

TWO.

FLAMBERGE, Fontaine, Harrison, and Fuse all try to jump into the ring to stop what’s happening.

THREE!

They cannot.

Kerry Kuroyama – 16 points

Nick Stuart: AND JUST LIKE THAT, KERRY KUROYAMA HAS SIXTEEN POINTS!

Like vultures, however, the Glueminati pounce. FLAMBERGE and Fontaine throw Kuroyama out of the ring. Fontaine’s hands are bleeding from handling the 3-iron in a non-regulation way, and he leaves spots of blood on Kuroyama as he helps toss him out. Fuse is treated similarly, checked out of the ring by FLAMBERGE.

FLAMBERGE immediately grabs TAL and locks him in the Marie Antoinette. Joe looks to get a jolf club from fabby, but finds that this stupid piece of furniture is still on the ground because of bitch shit like “lariats hurt” and “boss, I’ve been beat up all weekend and I’m tired” and “can’t I take a nap”. Honestly, he complains a lot for being furniture.

Richard Parker: Man, who’s the real La-Z-Boy here?

Don’t you start.

Joe is forced to use his body and not a jolf club to prevent Chandler Tsonda from entering the ring to prevent him from breaking up the submission. Referee “Soft Hands” Tsukuji checks on the condition of TAL, but finds him unresponsive enough that he immediately calls for FLAMBERGE to release the hold and award him five points.

FLAMBERGE – 8 points

FLAMBERGE won’t let go, but (un)fortunately for TAL… Tsonda lunges forward and breaks up the submission by smashing Fontaine over the top of FLAMBERGE and TAL, but it’s too late to stop the submission.

Nick Stuart: FLAMBERGE scores five points, and we’re counting down to the next man up!

3.

2.

1.

BONG.

The wheel has far fewer people on it now than when it started. The one it lands on is a PRIME Hall of Famer, but not just any Hall of Famer. He’s the owner of the third-longest Universal title reign in history, the only two-time Hall of Fame talent, and has immaculate skin (currently slightly sullied by the blood).

46:00 – CHANDLER TSONDA IS THE FUCKHEAD

In the ring, Fontaine and FLAMBERGE recover from Tsonda’s interference, working like a well-oiled machine despite the fact that they peddle glue and not oil. That is to say that they keep beating Tsonda down now that he’s the new Fuckhead.

Outside of the ring, Hayes Hanlon and Jason Snow’s fight is interrupted by a crumb. Cancer Jiles chooses this exact moment to strike, hitting Snow in the back with a steel chair and kicking Hanlon in the balls. Snow registers that he’d been struck from behind with a chair, but is unable to do anything about it as Jiles grabs Hanlon and throws him over the guardrail and back to the ringside area.

Jiles turns his attention to Snow, but finds something strange about the situation before him.

There is a man in a wheelchair next to Snow.

Nick Stuart: Is that… That’s Rexton William Bader!

Snow’s new manager who’s been conspicuous by his absence in the Manhunt match so far. With all the mayhem that’s transpired, no one’s noticed that Bader managed to get to the floor of the Tokyo Dome.

Jiles approaches, and you know he’s never met a man in a wheelchair that he hasn’t taunted before. Jiles can’t help himself. Yup, there’s the crotch chop. And the deuces, can’t forget those. Jiles turns around to deal with Jason Snow, and…

THUNK.

…is hit in the back with an oxygen tank.

Nick Stuart: BADER WITH THE OXYGEN TANK TO JILES!

Richard Parker: HE IS MY NEW FAVORITE PERSON!

Jiles falls to the ground in considerable agony because it turns out that Bader swings a mean oxygen tank like he’s batting for the fucking Yomiuri Giants. Bader shouts at Snow to get to the ring and handle his business instead of dealing with Jiles. Snow obliges wordlessly, shaking the cobwebs and heading to the ring.

In the ring, Quinn Fleetwood is firing up.

No, I didn’t sutter.

He’s ready to finally take over Manhunt in a way that none of these nerds will ever see coming. He rolls into the ring as FLAMBERGE beats down Chandler Tsonda and Joe Fontaine fiddles with something on the apron. He sees an opportunity and runs at the smaller Joe Fontaine, and…

SMACK!

…gets jolfed.

Specifically, he gets hit with the 4-iron.

Richard Parker: What in the holy shit is that.

What Joe Fontaine has in his hands should qualify as an illegal weapon in 38 Japanese prefectures, 28 U.S states, five Canadian provinces, the U.S. Virgin Islands, and… I dunno, the South Sandwich Islands. Which, yeah, I know they’re uninhabited, but…

Have you ever seen, I don’t know, a flail? A morning star?

Joe has one of those.

It’s a wooden pole with a short chain and a steel chair about the size of a cookie sheet attached to the other end of it. It’s the stupidest thing you’ll ever see, a concussion waiting to happen, and it was just introduced to Quinn Fleetwood’s head.

Joe calls FLAMBERGE over and after a short debate, both men cover Fleetwood.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Joe Fontaine – 16 points
FLAMBERGE – 11 points

They’re just in time.

Jason Snow silently gets in the ring as the two men get up to celebrate their points. Fontaine turns and…

Nick Stuart: SNAKE EYES!

Joe Fontaine flies off of his feet like a cannonball hit him. FLAMBERGE realizes what’s happened, and moves to bring down Snow. Snow low bridges him, though, and FLAMBERGE falls over the top rope and out of the ring.

Snow then casually pins the fallen Fontaine.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Jason Snow – 11 points

I would say Snow contemptuously pushes Fontaine out of the ring, but that implies he feels much of anything about him at all.

He turns around to see Chandler Tsonda standing there. Tsonda is battered and bruised, and none of that is good for a man who cares as deeply about his appearance as the Tsuperstar does.

The last time these two met was a year ago on ReVival 47 in Paris, and before that, it was Snow’s defeat of Tsonda that began the legendary 407 day reign. Tsonda and Snow charge each other with fists flying, and…

…We cut to somewhere else in the Tokyo Dome.

Richard Parker: Who is responsible for these camera cuts?

We’re not sure where we are. We do know that there appears to be a scale model of downtown Tokyo built here, even though that’s not a standard feature of the Dome. After a few moments of lingering on this shot, we see two literal kaiju brawling among the skyscrapers.

Hessian and Ivan Stanislav are standing there throwing bombs at one another. Hessian gets an advantage and starts punching Ivan against Tokyo Tower. Ivan goes down, and Hessian literally rips Tokyo Tower out of the ground and smashes Ivan over the head with it. Despite the damage this causes the Russian Bear, Ivan manages to get one foot against Hessian’s stomach, despite the fact that it’s pure agony after the war with Cecilworth on the previous night, and shoves Hessian away. Hessian collapses backwards onto a skyscraper, which falls over with him.

None of them are making any sounds except Godzilla noises, by the way.

Richard Parker: What.

We cut back to the premium lounge on the third floor, where we last saw Bobby Dean being mauled by a howler monkey wearing the skin of a human man.

Bobby’s managed to crawl his way to the revolving doors leading to the subway, but he’s laying there holding his arm in pain. He’s currently convincing himself that he’s having a heart attack because of the state of his left arm, instead of the logical conclusion that Cecilworth Farthington happened to him.

Nick Stuart: Is he going to make it?

Richard Parker: He’s an eGG Bandit, so… hopefully not.

Now we cut to outside the Tokyo Dome.

Somehow, Ben Lynch and Blaze Claymore have found themselves outside of the Dome, the former having lost Hayes Hanlon somewhere in the middle of all of the chaos and the latter somehow leaving the situation with Sebastian Gold, Crash Jackson, and Bryan Dawkins. Both men are fighting one another, because that’s what they’re going to do.

We cut back to the ring.

Jason Snow and Chandler Tsonda find that they are evenly matched, which is to say that they’re both evenly beaten to shit. Tsonda’s punches have little weight behind them as he’s lost a lot of blood by now, while Snow is still feeling the effects of his war with Hanlon, both last night and tonight.

Snow ducks one of the punches and goes for another Snake Eyes.

Tsonda catches Snow’s boot, and then…

Nick Stuart: LOW BLOW!

Tsonda is the one who crumbles.

Because it was Tony Gamble who uppercut him in the junk.

Richard Parker: Of course, it was a Bandit.

Gamble rolls Tsonda up to try and steal five more points.

ONE.

TWO.

Snow grabs Gamble from behind in a rear naked choke and rips the Grin off of his fellow Hall of Famer. Gamble is hoisted off of the ground by his head by the taller Snow, and Gamble is forced to tap out before Snow almost literally murders him.

Jason Snow – 14 points

Snow discards Gamble to the ground like trash. FLAMBERGE re-enters the ring to avenge Joe, but Conor Fuse slips in just behind him. Fuse throws another Snake Eyes – which he Weapon Got earlier in the match – towards Snow. But the same trick won’t work on Jason Snow twice, and Snow catches the boot. He then throws Fuse bodily into a backflip, right into the waiting arms of FLAMBERGE.

FLAMBERGE is mildly bewildered by this turn of events, and his bewilderment turns into “oh fuck” when Fuse shifts his weight into a snap 1080i DDT that stands FLAMBERGE right on his head.

Nick Stuart: FLAMBERGE is down! Snow is still up… SNAKE EYES!

Fuse ducks the superkick.

Chandler Tsonda, who is standing just out of reach of said superkick, has something else in response to Jason Snow.

It’s hairspray, right to the face, spat out of Tsonda’s mouth.

Nick Stuart: A SHOT OF STYLE?! We haven’t seen that one in years!

Even Jason Snow is not immune to being blinded, and he tumbles out of the ring trying to get the burning sensation from his eyes. Despite this, he never once cries or screams about it.

Tsonda himself is not immune, because that’s an ugly taste in his mouth. Still, he might be able to turn things around if he’s able to start using his cardio to run from all the people gunning for hi–

Nick Stuart: XENOBLADE!

Sorry, we broke Chandler’s chain of thought. Fuse’s forearm strike smashes Tsonda and drops him against the turnbuckles. Fuse pulls Tsonda into position and climbs up to the top rope.

Nick Stuart: Fuse is up top… SUPER SPLASH 45–NO!

Tsonda is moved out of the way. We’ll get to that in a moment. Fuse lands on his feet on the 450 splash, just in time to see MD Storm come into the ring to try and steal a pi–

Nick Stuart: HEAD STOMP!

–or die, I guess.

Fuse had landed in a roll, jumped up out of the roll, and caved in MD Storm’s world with the standing double stomp. Fuse lands on top of Storm for the cover, with Tsukuji right there.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

cOnOr fUsE – 14 points

So, about Chandler Tsonda.

Tsonda was yanked out of the ring by Cecilworth Farthington by his foot, saving him from Fuse’s 450 splash. This is not an act of mercy. This is an act of attempted murder.

You see, Cecilworth has decided to tie Chandler Tsonda into several knots. As a treat. He takes the arm into an omoplata and grabs the other arm, a submission hold that his “frenemy” Coral Avalon used. Cecilworth is not satisfied with this, though. He traps the other arm in the crook of his knee and then grabs Tsonda’s leg, and then pulls back on all available limbs until Tsonda has little choice but to submit.

Cecilworth Farthington – 18 points

Richard Parker: God, I hope my membership with the Farthington fanclub is still intact after this weekend, because I’m so excited he’s up to 18 points now!

Nick Stuart: He, Hanlon, and Ivan are all three points behind Kuroyama for the lead!

Fortunately for Chandler Tsonda, he’ll have time to recover from being the hunted. Because there’s a new target on the horizon.

3.

2.

1.

BONG.

The people in charge of the great wheel of Manhunt must have a sense of humor, because the man who has drawn the short straw for the next two minutes has a koala attached to his face on the match graphic.

We’re not even sure he works for PRIME, but he is on the roster page, so he must have a job here. Lindsay Troy might actually pay him to go out to the ring and die, isn’t that a fun thought?

Regardless…

48:00 – FELIX MULLEN IS THE FUCKHEAD

…He is about to get fucked.

As if recognizing the danger of the situation that’s about to befall him, Kerry Koalayama finally removes himself from Felix Mullen’s face and flees.

Mr. Mullen doesn’t entirely know where he is. He’s in the Tokyo Dome. He’s somewhere in the crowd. And there’s a few wrestlers staring at him with murderous intent.

One is RIA, who looks like she’s about to keel over any second now. In fact, she’d been missing in action for the last few minutes trying to recover enough to finish the match. She looked like she was accidentally raised from her tomb by Brendan Frasier and Rachel Weisz and will be seeking to resurrect her love in some sort of dark technicolor ritual. Don’t tell Angel Quinley about this, by the way.

There’s Anna Daniels, who is still looking to fuck some heads of some fuckheads. While Daniels is not loath to engage in giant brawls, she’s found this whole Manhunt thing to be relatively disappointing so far because she’s not yet been hunted.

There’s Kenny Freeman, who got separated from the rest of his Red Army compatriots some time ago and happened to arrive on the scene just now.

And then there’s Steve Lemieux.

Richard Parker: …One of these things is not like the other.

Mr. Lemieux has no idea what the fuck is going on, naturally.

He doesn’t know why a big bald half-naked man with mayonnaise dripping off of his supple chest tried to murder him. He doesn’t know why the big man threw him across a room. He isn’t able to adequately explain what happened with the bicycle, and has been telling himself that someone put a pipe through the spokes and that’s really dangerous.

Laser would never approve of that.

Felix Mullen has so many opinions, and he opens his mouth to express them.

Anna Daniels kicks him right in the face.

Felix doesn’t immediately die from this, but he flies into a full-blown panic. He does what any man would do when confronted with a Time Lord, a Mummy, a man of the multiverse, and Mr. Beefst himself.

He flees.

Nick Stuart: Felix Mullen is running the hell away!

Unfortunately for him, his route for his brilliant escape takes him to the ring.

He jumps the guardrail, pursued by forces beyond his comprehension, and slides into the ring. Clearly, he hasn’t seen what’s been going on out here (what with the koala-related blindness), so he has no idea that there’s a fair few number of individuals who would like to kill him for his delicious points.

Chief among them?

The Anglo Luchador.

TAL, who’d been recovering for the last few minutes from the Kuroyama Driver that put him down, slides into the ring just as Mullen does, and the two immediately recognize each other. Mullen has so many opinions about this exact situation, and opens his mouth to express them.

CHOP!

He gets knife-edge chopped so hard that he flies off of his feet and curls up into a fetal position, hoping the bad luchador doesn’t hurt him any more.

TAL does hurt him more.

He pulls Mullen up and casually dumps him on his everything with the Japanese Ocean Cyclone Suplex.

Nick Stuart: WHAT IMPACT ON THE OCEAN CYCLONE! WITH THE BRIDGE!

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

The Anglo Luchador – 10 points

Nick Stuart: TAL has five more points!

Richard Parker: He has so much catchup to do, I don’t think he can do it.

Outside of the ring, in the crowd, RIA and Daniels fight each other over who gets to jump the guardrail first to murder Mullen. Tensions are high between the two of them, and have been high for some time. After they each attempt to climb over the guardrail only to be pulled off, they stare each other down.

Steve Lemieux chooses this moment to climb over the rails. His reasons for doing so?

He’s uncomfortable with the way that Kenny Freeman guy is looking at him.

Kenny is not even looking in his direction, he’s instead looking around because he can’t find any of the other Red Army members anywhere.

Over at the dugout where we last left Sebastian Gold, Bryan Dawkins, and Crash Jackson, things are not going well for the newest member of the Red Army. Although the fight had initially been just been between Jackson and Dawkins, a fight that Dawkins had a better handle on, once Sebs had recovered enough from all that happened to him after Sebs’ superkick, he and Crash manage to throw Dawkins into the dugout and finally separate themselves from the Red Army.

At least for now.

Seeing that things have been afoot in the ring, Gold and Crash stagger their way in that direction.

Nick Stuart: The Red Army is in a lot of disarray right now, and…

The Godzilla sounds intensify, interrupting Nick Stuart’s train of thought.

Cameras catch Ivan Stanislav and Hessian still exchanging blows out on the first floor concourse, on their way through a tunnel and towards the ring. Ivan is battered in ways he never considered possible, nursing his injured arm and limping on a bad leg, and now bleeding rather badly. Hessian is not faring that much better, as he is bloodied as well from the battle in mini Tokyo.

Or maybe it was real Tokyo? Has anyone checked to see if Tokyo Tower is still there? Anyone?

Richard Parker: Nick?

Nick Stuart: Yes, Richard?

Richard Parker: We really need that bunker soon.

In the ring, TAL is pulled away from Felix Mullen by his old rival Jason Snow, and the two brawl into the corner. This allows Nate Colton to slide into the ring behind them and lock in the Colton Clutch ‘24 on Mullen. Mullen has nowhere to go, and Colton cranks that Colton Clutch as hard as he can.

Mullen taps out frantically.

Nate Colton – 15 points

Nick Stuart: NATE COLTON TAKES FIVE POINTS!

Richard Parker: OH NO! FLAMBERGE IS GOING TO BE PISSED!

Oh, he’s fuming.

The Lizard King re-enters the contest in graceful fashion by just running into the ring and slamming himself bodily into Colton as Colton is releasing the hold. The two men jockey for position on the ground, battering one another with punches, as it becomes apparent that no force on this Earth is going to keep these two apart in a match like this.

Felix Mullen is not yet done dying. He’s trying to crawl away from the ring, realizing right now that coming here was a huge mistake.

He is yanked back to the center of the ring by a man who is even more cruel and savage than either of the two men who beat the shit out of him just now.

Nick Stuart: Cecilworth Farthington! He’s got his grips on Mullen!

Cecilworth Farthington ties him in fucking knots so tight that the Boy Scouts of America would think they were eldritch horrors. The end result of this is that Cecilworth has a kneebar on one leg and a stretch muffler on the other at the same time on Mullen.

Mr. Mullen very much has a mouth and he uses it to scream often and a lot. It’s enough for the submission.

Cecilworth Farthington – 23 points

Nick Stuart: CECILWORTH FARTHINGTON HAS THE LEAD!

Richard Parker: Yesssssssss!

The universe isn’t done with Felix Mullen yet, by the way.

As Farthington releases his latest nightmare submission on Mullen, Farthington slides out of the ring to try and make some sense out of this whole FLAMBERGE and Nate Colton thing. And by that, I mean that he hits Colton from behind with a wicked European uppercut. Anyone else might have avoided their enemies, but Cecilworth is no coward. Just very weird.

Of course, someone else is going to prey on poor Felix Mullen before his time as Fuckhead ends. Felix stands, and intends to run from his life. He turns, and…

Richard Parker: …No…

That is pure despair in the voice of Richard Parker, because he knows an instant before Nick Stuart opens his mouth what’s coming.

Nick Stuart: TERMINAL CANCER!

Felix Mullen flies off of his feet like he’s in slow motion. Jiles stacks him up, hooks the tights, and puts his feet on the ropes. All of these are unnecessary in a match like this, but it’s Jiles and he’s gonna do that.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Cancer Jiles – 21 points

Nick Stuart: Jiles is now tied with Kuroyama for second place! Any pin will put him in the lead!

Richard Parker: I’m going to be sick.

Jiles isn’t doing too hot, really. That oxygen tank to the back from the wheelchair guy really took the wind out of him.

Outside of the ring, Kenny Freeman manages to jump the guardrail past Daniels and RIA. The two ladies watch him pass them by, and decide to follow after him and into the ringside area. Kenny goes to apply the Freeman Special on Mullen, but two things happen that will prevent him from enjoying the spoils of this.

The first? Well, that’s obvious.

Nick Stuart: TERMINAL CANCER!

Freeman flops to the ground in a heap.

The second?

The countdown.

3.

2.

1.

BONG.

There aren’t very many people left who haven’t already been the Fuckhead. Unfortunately for the man who just got crumbed by King Crumb, he is one of them. And… oh look, his number is coming up.

50:00 – KENNY FREEMAN IS THE FUCKHEAD

Richard Parker: You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

The reason Richard Parker is seething is obvious. Cancer Jiles is in the PRIME position to take the lead. He drops down and covers Freeman.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Cancer Jiles – 26 points

As the third count goes down and Richard Parker screams in despair, RIA and Anna Daniels decide together to put any differences aside and kick Jiles’ ass. Jiles is on the ropes immediately, Daniels kicking him repeatedly while RIA gets in hard elbow strikes.

One of RIA’s elbows manages to hit Jiles just right to bust him open.

Richard Parker: Why couldn’t they have gotten there sooner!?

This jolly cooperation doesn’t last, though. RIA goes to pin Freeman, but Daniels pulls her off. Then Daniels tries to pin him, and RIA pulls her off. The two shove each other, but before anything can come of it…

…Sebastian Gold flies in.

The Alias Champion catches both of them with a double dropkick, sending both of them flying to the outside. Gold turns and sees Freeman down, and quickly covers him.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Sebastian Gold – 11 points

Nick Stuart: Sebastian Gold steals one from Jiles!

Richard Parker: Haha! Get fucked, Jiles!

Needless to say, a very bloodied Cancer Jiles is going to remember that one for a long time. The 5-Star Champion lines Gold up for the Terminal Cancer, but Sebs ducks underneath the big kick and hits the ropes. He flies off with a corkscrew moonsault, hitting Jiles with the…

Nick Stuart: PLOT TWIST!

Richard Parker: I’ll take any Shyamalan twist if it means Jiles doesn’t win!

Jiles bails from the ring after taking the moonsault from Gold, whereupon Crash Jackson begins pummelling his bloodied alfredo hair even bloodier. Also the rest of him, just to be clear.

Gold is slow to get up, as he’s fifty minutes into this gruelling affair and he’s taken some hard shots. The Alias Champion turns his head to see that FLAMBERGE and Nate Colton have jumped back up on the apron, continuing their battle. Gold smiles, runs into the ropes opposite of them, and hits a handspring that causes his legs to blast the longtime rivals off the apron and to the floor. Gold backflips out and lands in a three-point stance to the roar of the crowd.

Nick Stuart: Sebastian Gold still has a lot of fight in him!

Richard Parker: But he doesn’t have a lot of points right now!

He turns his attention back to the fallen Freeman, and pulls him towards the corner. He hops up onto the top rope, but as he gets his feet set to deliver the Gold Crush, Scott Hunter appears on the apron to try and knock him off. Gold leaps up in the air, letting Hunter’s hands pass under him, and lands back on his perch. Then he hops off, and…

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Nick Stuart: GOLDENSTEINER! ALL THE WAY TO THE FLOOR!

Richard Parker: Madness!

Gold hobbles up to his feet and climbs up to reassert himself. He sets his feet and flies.

Nick Stuart: GOLD CRUUUUUUSH!!!

Gold lands on Freeman, bounces up from sheer momentum, and…

…is immediately thrown out of the ring by a bloodied and battered Chandler Tsonda.

Nick Stuart: TSONDA!

Tsonda collapses on top of Freeman.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Chandler Tsonda – 19 points

Nick Stuart: And just like that, Chandler Tsonda is up to nineteen points!

This one act seems to have taken a lot out of Tsonda, though, as he doubles over in pain. Whatever horrific torture Farthington had inflicted upon him, it certainly had its effect on the Viet Viper.

Enough that an opportunistic Steve Harrison sneaks in and rolls him up.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Steve Harrison – 18 points

Nick Stuart: Tsonda is in a bad way, and I don’t think Harrison would’ve gotten those points if he wasn’t.

Richard Parker: Think of how miserable his skin care routine’s gonna be after tonight. Man. It would suck.

Nick Stuart: Fashion is painful, Richard.

He is promptly attacked from behind by the Anglo Luchador, who hits him with several blows to the back of the head in an attempt to get him set up for another Japanese Ocean Cyclone Suplex.

Outside of the ring, a bunch of people have resorted to going under the ring to pull out hardware, because apparently the jolf clubs aren’t enough any more. Daniels has pulled out a table, RIA has pulled out a board covered in barbed wire. After a strongly worded debate between the two, they combine their tools into a barbed wire board-laden table.

Richard Parker: You’d think RIA would’ve had enough of the barbed wire after last night.

On the other side of the ring, the Glueminati contingent of Hayes Hanlon and Joe Fontaine are laboriously setting up a series of tables, neither man really at their best after all of this fast and furious action. fabby helps. We’re not sure how he’s helping without making anything worse, but it’s an assistance of some description.

Jackson Cooley has a barbed wire baseball bat now, and that seems like a very irresponsible thing to give a man like him. He immediately swings it at Crash Jackson’s back, and the Northern Light goes down yelling. Jiles stomps Jackson in the back of the head while he’s down, and then he lets Cooley continue hitting him with the baseball bat while he gets out of the way of the maniac and his work.

Richard Parker: …That’s not jolf regulation, is it?

Nick Stuart: I don’t know what is or isn’t.

Over with the Glueminati contingent, they’re currently stacking four tables, two-by-two, near one of the corners. Apparently, when someone asks you to “get the tables”, you say “bet”. Now Cecilworth Farthington is helping, too.

In the ring, TAL gets the better of Harrison with a dropkick, sending him out of the ring. Unfortunately for Harrison, it’s the side of the ring where Cooley and his barbed wire baseball bat dwells, and Cooley is happy to introduce it to him.

Richard Parker: Really need that bunker.

Oh, it gets worse.

Hessian and Ivan have finally arrived at ringside.

Both men look like they’ve been through literal hell to get there, but they both manage to get over the barricade, and…

…Quinn Fleetwood thinks he can take them.

Nick Stuart: It’s a miracle that man can still stand.

Richard Parker: Not so sure miracles are involved with that one.

He charges in on the two giants ready to go, and…

…Both giants casually swat him down with an unintentional double team throwing spinebuster, causing Fleetwood to crash messily on the padded floor. Hessian plants one foot on top of Fleetwood as he continues his fight with Ivan as an afterthought, and referee Elvis Nixon is there for the count.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Hessian – 8 points

Richard Parker: Has anyone ever been pinned while the guy pinning them is fighting someone else? Because that just happened.

We don’t know what god Quinn Fleetwood pissed off, but he should maybe stop invoking his anger. Ivan and Hessian continue their titanic brawl around ringside, but this brawl has attracted a lot of attention from the puny mere mortals who were not born as seven foot tall walking battle tanks. It’s a lot of bodies at ringside, between the Glueminati, Vae Victis, Nobody’s Heroes, the single representative of the Poor Whoresmen in this match (hi Anna Daniels), and other independents like Cooley and… Okay, I don’t know why Steve Lemieux is there, that must be a clerical error.

Anyway, while this is going on, we cut outside the Tokyo Dome. Specifically, we’re at Korakuen Station, part of the Tokyo Metro Marunouchi Line. Ben Lynch and Blaze Claymore’s battle have taken them all the way there. We watch as Claymore and Lynch manage to fight their way onto a subway train, and then watch as the doors close.

The subway moves with two Manhunt participants being sent on a wondrous journey to… Let me consult a map here, ah… Ogikubo.

Richard Parker: …They don’t have a referee with them, do they?

Nick Stuart: No. No, they do not.

We cut back to the ring.

In the ring, Kenny Freeman is recovering from getting beaten up. He turns to see that Ivan is in trouble, that’s a lot of dudes trying to clobber him, and he goes to stop that from happening.

He is stopped by one man, who never took his eyes off the prize even if they’re mildly blinded by the blood.

Nate Colton suplexes the soul out of K-Free with the Colton Clutch suplex, and bridges for the pin.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Nate Colton – 20 points

Nick Stuart: NATE COLTON WITH ANOTHER SCORE!

Richard Parker: Oh.

Colton looks outside to see the two giants try and fight back against the throngs of people trying to fight them off. What he’s about to do is very atypical for him, but his blood haze and his adrenaline get the better of him. He runs off the ropes…

…and then he crashes into EVERYONE at ringside with a dive over the top rope.

OHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Just about everyone goes down.

Nick Stuart: IT’S A CAR CRASH OUT HERE AT RINGSIDE!

Richard Parker: Car crashes are less chaotic than whatever the hell this is.

A lot of eyes are drawn to the PRIMEview as the countdown hits again.

3.

2.

1.

BONG.

The wheel has few faces left, and the one it lands on is… the Emerald Apex. The former Alias Champion. A man who, despite his desire to carry out in-ring dominance with his bare hands, constantly finds himself in matches where there are no rules. And so, Vae Victis’ very own…

52:00 – KERRY KUROYAMA IS THE FUCKHEAD

From the floor, Kerry Kuroyama is able to look up at the PRIMEview and sees what the next two minutes have in store for him. He drags himself to his feet and rolls into the ring. If he’s going down, he’s going down in the ring.

They all come for him in a stream.

First, Jackson Cooley with the barbed wire baseball bat. Kuroyama ducks under the bat and kicks Cooley in the gut.

Nick Stuart: JUDGEMENT BOLT BOMB!

Kuroyama doesn’t get a chance to cover Cooley or follow up, because Joe Fontaine is in the ring behind him and he’s got the 3-iron again. Uncouth Joseph manages to get the 3-iron over Kuroyama’s face and rakes the thing against him, but after a few moments of this to draw blood, Kuroyama tears the 3-iron from Fontaine’s grip. Fontaine can only watch as Kuroyama discards it in the same motion he spins around, and…

Nick Stuart: SQUALL LINE LARIAT!

…dies.

We’re talking a full-on moonsault sell of this thing, and Fontaine lands right on his face.

Richard Parker: Is Kerry Kuroyama going to fight everyone off?

He’ll die trying.

As Kuroyama goes to cover Fontaine, he is suddenly grabbed by FLAMBERGE and locked into the Marie Antoinette! Kuroyama tries to get up and shake off FLAMBERGE, but Fontaine isn’t as dead as everyone was led to believe and he grabs Kuroyama’s boot. Kuroyama loses his balance and falls forward, and has little choice but to tap out!

FLAMBERGE – 16 points

There is, however, a problem with the Glueminati’s continued dominance.

They’d pissed off a giant.

Hessian slides into the ring behind FLAMBERGE and Fontaine as they prepare to continue bring the pain to Kuroyama. A lariat puts FLAMBERGE down, and then Hessian grabs Fontaine and lifts him bodily into the air. This is when fabby tries to rescue Joe, but since he’s fabby, all he gets for his trouble is a boot from Hessian without the big man even breaking stride.

Fontaine tries to struggle out, but unfortunately, what comes up on the Hellevator we ride on must inevitably go down.

Nick Stuart: HELLEVATOR!

Hessian covers Fontaine, who might legally be dead now.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Hessian – 11 points

The big man out of (the destroyed ruins of) Parts Unknown rises to his feet and immediately avalanches a recovering Kerry Kuroyama in the corner. As he backs up to let Kuroyama crumple in the corner, though, Scott Hunter leaps onto Hessian’s back and tries to apply a sleeperhold.

As he does, Sebastian Gold manages to come in to clip his knee from under him. Hessian drops to one knee. He’s still not down. Jason Snow arrives.

Nick Stuart: SNAKE EYES!

Yet again, Jason Snow’s superkick lands on Hessian, and he drops.

On top of Scott Hunter. Let’s just say that if Mr. Hunter was a tube of toothpaste, you’d have a right and proper mess to clean up. Nixon is able to make a count with the nearly-unconscious Hessian on top of Hunter.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Hessian – 14 points

The wolves are on Hessian now, though. With the big man down, he presents a bigger target than even Kuroyama, who’s recovering in the corner. Anna Daniels slides into the ring and delivers a kick to Hessian’s knee as he’s trying to get up like some sort of movie monster that was only mildly inconvenienced by the superkick Jason Snow just gave him.

Outside the ring, Ivan keeps plenty of other people occupied because they all collectively said “fuck that guy in particular”.

It’s only when a battered and bloodied Bryan Dawkins arrives – with Rose in tow – that the tide turns against the anti-Ivan collective. Dawkins and Rose pull a few of them off of Ivan, with Dawkins taking special care to stomp a mudhole in Crash Jackson. It won’t be long before the Russian Bear gets his bearings again.

Nick Stuart: The Red Army is out here to save Ivan once again!

Richard Parker: True comrades at work!

As an afterthought, Dawkins and Rose throw Steve Lemieux into the ring. It’s sort of like moving furniture out of the way to get the real work done. Kerry Kuroyama picks him up, and before Steve and his dad bod have any idea how to express their displeasure at being used as a projectile, Mr. Lemieux is thrown at Hessian in the same way Mrs. Lemieux gave birth to him: with a lot of screaming.

Hessian falls to the ground with Lemieux on top of him. A lot of other people pile on top of the both of them: Scott Hunter, Sebastian Gold, Jason Snow… and Felix Mullen, who manages to flop on top of the entire pile with his last gasp of energy.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Felix Mullen – 3 points
Steve Lemieux – 3 points
Sebastian Gold – 14 points
Scott Hunter – 17 points
Jason Snow – 17 points

Nick Stuart: Hessian gets dogpiled and a lot of people have points because of it!

Richard Parker: Couldn’t happen to a better Bandit. Except Jiles. I wish that’d been Jiles.

Anna Daniels, meanwhile, catches Kuroyama off-guard by going for him instead of the easier target of Hessian.

Nick Stuart: INTERROBANG!

Kuroyama staggers, throws up a wild right hand that misses by a mile, and falls to the canvas. Daniels covers him.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Anna Daniels – 11 points

Daniels does not celebrate what she’s done, but instead turns to find all of the men who just pinned Hessian staring at her. Well, almost all of them. Felix Mullen gets the hell out of there, and Steve Lemieux seems terribly concerned about all of the fuckwords being thrown around as everyone’s been fighting. Especially the “fuckhead” thing.

Kuroyama manages to pull himself to the corner to collect himself in the meantime. Meanwhile, the collective that just pinned Hessian devolves into a pier six brawl. Daniels takes Hunter and they spill to the outside. Snow and Gold trade bombs, with the latter looking for a little revenge over the whole “superkick off of the dugout” incident earlier. Colton is dragged out as well by FLAMBERGE, because of course he is.

Steve Lemieux tries to not die.

He is unsuccessful, because he turns around and has to look up at what’s standing there.

Ivan Stanislav is in the ring.

Nick Stuart: Oh no.

Richard Parker: Oh nooo.

We can’t really hear him, but Steve Lemieux is definitely saying the exact same thing the commentary team is saying.

As this is going on, Kuroyama is yanked out of the ring by Bryan Dawkins, who smashes him over the back with the 8-iron that’d been discarded earlier in the night by Joe Fontaine. Where did he get it? Well, Rose had it. That closes that loophole, okay? Okay.

SMACK!

SMACK!

SMACK!

Nick Stuart: Dawkins is beating Kuroyama with a steel chair right out here in front of us!

Richard Parker: That’s an 8-iron. Jolf is truly the jentleman’s game.

Dawkins drops down for the cover.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Bryan Dawkins – 8 points

In the ring, Steve Lemieux is frozen in fear. He then remembers what you do in the event of a bear, so he drops to the ground and plays dead.

Ivan is almost amused by this. Almost.

He grabs Lemieux by the throat and lifts him bodily into the air in a military press. His eyes are drawn to the outside, and they meet the eyes of Nick Stuart.

Nick Stuart: …Richard.

Richard Parker: Y-yeah?

Nick Stuart: RUN!

With a small burst of motion, Ivan launches poor Steve Lemieux out of the ring and through the American commentary table.

SMAAAAAAAASH!!!

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

The commentary table disintegrates underneath 183 pounds of pure dad bod majesty being thrown at it at a “yeet” level velocity. When next we meet Steve Lemieux, he might be in traction.

Ivan Stanislav stands in the ring, a bloodied mess with one working leg and a bad arm, and yet he bellows his laughter like none of it phases him.

Ivan Stanislav: DYAA-HAA-HAA!!!

His laughter comes to a stop when the countdown hits again. He turns his head to see who the next victim will be.

3.

2.

1.

BONG.

…Ivan, for the first time in quite a long time, smiles a wide grin.

Because he had a great idea.

One that will surely propel the Red Army to glorious victory over all of these capitalist pissants (capitalissants?) and bring all of PRIME to heel.

And this is because…

54:00 – BRYAN DAWKINS IS THE FUCKHEAD

Nick Stuart and Richard Parker have lost all audio as they fled the scene of a Lemieux-related train crash at their feet.

But if Nick Stuart could be heard right now, he would despair at this information. Because he knows exactly what Ivan is thinking right now – it’s not like anyone out of the Red Army camp is known for their subtlety, after all. He knows that while almost no one else in Manhunt would willingly lie down for Ivan Stanislav… a member of the Red Army definitely would.

Ivan calls upon Dawkins to enter the ring. Dawkins, who had been in the middle of trying to apply one of his assorted submission holds on Kuroyama in the hopes that he could increase his own score, winces. He knows what Ivan wants, and he rolls into the ring to comply with the Russian Bear’s demands.

There is a lot of disapproval coming out of the Tokyo crowd, as Ivan gingerly drops down to one knee and lays one hand on Bryan Dawkins’ chest. Bang!’s “Soft Hands” Tsukuji has little choice but to count.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Ivan Stanislav – 23 points

Just like that, Ivan ties with his Night One opponent for the lead. Ivan sneers at the leaderboard behind him, recognizing this fact. He keeps the hand on Dawkins’ chest, but Tsukuji insists that Ivan stand up before he makes another count. Ivan is livid at this rule, and he stands up to dwarf Tsukuji.

For his part, Mr. Tsukuji does not back down from Ivan. He is the referee. His rule is law. He won’t abide by being intimid–

RED SCARE.

OHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Evidently, being a referee from a company like Bang! does not give you immunity to being thrown like a ragdoll out of the ring and into a group of people at ringside – that group being Cooley, Daniels, Hunter, RIA, Gamble, and Fuse.

Ivan turns to see Bryan Dawkins gesturing to Ivan to go and cover him again. Ivan marches back over to his comrade and lays his hand down on top of him, yelling for a different referee to come in. Elvis Nixon eventually complies, despite his horror at seeing Tsukuji’s fate.

ONE.

TWO.

SNAKE EYES! TERMINAL CANCER!

You will never, ever see what just happened again in the history of PRIME.

Jason Snow and Cancer Jiles did not communicate with each other, and it’s not like that would’ve been anything except a one-sided conversation anyway. They both saw Ivan leaving himself vulnerable in the way he covered Dawkins, and they both saw an opportunity to hit him with their strongest attack.

One superkick might not have been enough to put the Russian Bear on his ass.

But two superkicks from the absolute masters of the maneuver? Even that would put Ivan down for the count

Jiles and Snow each cover Ivan, too exhausted to stop each other from the pin.

ONE.

Rose attempts to get in the ring to stop them, but Crash Jackson hits her with a Wide Left hard enough to put her down.

TWO.

Dawkins leaps on the pile to try and break up the pinfall, but he’s too late to stop them!

THREE!

Jason Snow – 20 points
Cancer Jiles – 29 points

There is a sound of horror coming from Richard Parker as he realizes something terrible.

Cancer Jiles just took a commanding lead.

With five minutes left to go in the Manhunt, the possibility that the eGG Bandits could find themselves back in the Universal title picture after Coral Avalon’s departure is very real, indeed.

Dawkins punches Jiles in the head repeatedly, because fuck that guy in particular, while Jason Snow is thrown out of the ring by none other than Chandler Tsonda.

Meanwhile…

Nick Stuart: Are we… Are we back?

Richard Parker: I think so… Can I start complaining about what’s happening?

Nick Stuart: No.

Richard Parker: WHO LET JILES TAKE THIS MUCH OF A LEAD!? I WANT ANSWERS!

After Tsonda tosses Snow out of the ring, he pushes Dawkins off to pound on Jiles himself. Dawkins takes offense to this and pulls Tsonda up. The tensions are high between the former friends as both men argue among each other. Something has to give here.

And something does.

That something is the Anglo Luchador.

TAL rolls up Dawkins as he’s arguing with Tsonda, and Elvis Nixon is right there.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

The Anglo Luchador – 15 points

Tsonda had been surprised to see this happen and his reaction isn’t quick enough to actually stop TAL from scoring off of Dawkins. When Dawkins kicks out late, though, TAL is propelled forward into Tsonda. TAL, the luchador that he is, rolls through Tsonda into a schoolboy, but traps the leg on his way over.

ONE.

TWO.

NO!

Tsonda kicks out, barely, and TAL gets up. He sees Dawkins coming for him, and leaps on him with an attempt at a hurricanrana. But Dawkins holds on with all of his strength, and powers TAL up into the powerbomb position.

As he does, Tsonda is pulled from the ring by a recovered Kerry Kuroyama. Kuroyama watches as TAL shifts his weight and delivers a brutal poison rana to Dawkins.

Nick Stuart: POISON RANA!

Dawkins lands in a position that’s somewhat standing, but somewhat ready to collapse at any second. Kuroyama grabs him and pulls him into a front facelock.

He closes his eyes.

He recalls his family. His father, his father before him.

He breathes a silent prayer to them.

His Heat gauge is to the max.

He lifts Dawkins up into a vertical suplex.

And then he shifts the Flyin’ Hawaiian’s weight and sends him to hell.

Kuroyama. Driver. KAI.

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Kuroyama covers, and when TAL falls on top of Dawkins next to him, he doesn’t even notice.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

The Anglo Luchador – 20 points
Kerry Kuroyama – 21 points

Next to them, Ivan Stanislav stirs like a bear coming out of hibernation – hungry and pissed off.

Kuroyama and TAL exchange looks. Both are weary men. One is bleeding heavily from wounds sustained from jolf, and the other has been beaten up all night.

Yet, they stand to face the beast as he snarls Russian curses at them.

Richard Parker: I wouldn’t want to be in the ring right now.

TAL and Kuroyama both attack, and Ivan fends them off with his huge limbs. He boots TAL in the face and throws Kuroyama over the top rope. The Emerald Apex manages to hang on to the ropes, but Tony Gamble yanks him off and sends Kuroyama’s face into the ring apron. As Gamble celebrates, Sebastian Gold jumps onto the apron and gets a running start before kneeing Gamble right in the face. Gold falls on top of him, and referee “Hot Pants” Shiraishi makes the count.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Sebastian Gold – 17 points

In the ring, Ivan sees that Bryan Dawkins is down, and he goes to cover him to put himself in the lead.

He is stopped by Crash Jackson.

Jackson leaps on Ivan’s back to stop him. Ivan shrugs him off like he’s shedding a coat, but that doesn’t stop Crash. Crash lands in a roll on his feet and comes charging at Ivan, and…

CRAAAAAASHHHH!!!

Nick Stuart: OH MY GOD!

…And no, that’s not some battle cry Crash just made in the style of Leeroy Jenkins. No, that is the sound of Crash being launched bodily out of the ring by Ivan as he runs, and watching him crash through that stack of tables that the Glueminati went through the trouble of setting up earlier. You can find Crash’s corpse somewhere in that rubble, if you look hard enough.

Richard Parker: He’s dead!

With Crash thoroughly dispatched, Ivan turns around to pin Dawkins.

Dawkins is not there.

What Ivan doesn’t know is that FLAMBERGE had pulled Dawkins from the ring while Ivan was distracted, and placed him in the Marie Antoinette outside of Ivan’s vision. Dawkins is unresponsive, and by the time Ivan realizes what has happened, his Colossus nemesis has claimed five points.

FLAMBERGE – 21 points

…

Nate Colton – 25 points

And so had Nate Colton, by virtue of grabbing an ankle lock before Dawkins went cold. FLAMBERGE looks up at Colton with hate in his eyes, and their brawl looks like it could happen again at any second.

Nick Stuart: We’re almost at four minutes left, and this is still anyone’s Manhunt to win!

Richard Parker: Well, maybe not Steve Lemieux’s.

We cut to the first floor concourse.

A very battered Felix Mullen is dragging himself away from Manhunt, because he wants no part of anything to do with a rampaging Ivan Stanislav. He turns a corner, and…

He hears a roar.

He turns his head.

A big white tiger is standing there. Her name is Helen.

By Helen’s side is Henry Keyes.

There is a pause.

Henry Keyes: …Get ‘im.

Felix Mullen screams and runs away.

And so, Felix Mullen exits Manhunt, pursued by Helen.

Back at ringside, Ivan shoves Colton into the stairs with a CRASH! and then bodily rips FLAMBERGE off of Dawkins. He throws the Lizard King back into the ring.

The last time these two men met, they destroyed the ring, every commentary table, most of the guardrails, and even the floor mats. To this day, Ivan still believes he never lost the Universal title to FLAMBERGE that night, much as he doesn’t believe he lost last night either. Tonight would be a beautiful night for redemption.

FLAMBERGE is on his feet. He blinks.

We think.

Not sure with that guy, to be honest.

But before anything else, the PRIMEview comes alive with another countdown.

3.

2.

1.

BONG.

Ivan does not even wait to find out who the Fuckhead is. He comes after FLAMBERGE with everything he has left. The Russian Bear is wounded, and a wounded bear is a dangerous thing indeed. If he’d looked up, and wasn’t so intensely focused on mauling half of the PRIME Tag Team Champions, he’d have seen a truth that everyone else already knew.

56:00 – IVAN STANISLAV IS THE FUCKHEAD

Everyone already didn’t like Ivan.

Anyone who doesn’t is either a member of the Red Army or they’re Anna Daniels.

Ivan looks up to find Joe Fontaine flying at him with a 9-iron in hand. A fury comes over Ivan as he sees the means of how he lost the Universal championship the previous night. He catches the chair with one hand and Fontaine’s throat with another.

Nick Stuart: Oh no.

Ivan rips the chair out of Joe’s hands and starts crushing his skull between his hands.

Richard Parker: That boy’s about to become a ghost again.

Yes. Again. It’s a long story.

After a long and agonizing few seconds, Ivan knees Joe in the gut, grabs him in the front facelock, and sends him straight to hell.

THUD.

Nick Stuart: RED SCARE! OVER THE TOP ROPE AND TO THE FLOOR!

Richard Parker: Gonna need a proton pack and a spatula after that one!

For what it’s worth, fabby did try to catch him. He just failed. Because fabby.

Ivan smiles a weary smile of satisfaction, and turns to deal with his lizard problem.

FLAMBERGE leaps on Ivan as he turns around and tries to apply the Marie Antoinette on him. However, much like their encounter at Colossus fifteen months ago, Ivan’s neck is massive enough that FLAMBERGE can’t get a good grip on his vaunted neck-collecting submission hold. The blood and the sweat of nearly an hour of furious fighting is preventing the hold from getting locked in.

Ivan grabs him in the front facelock.

He sends FLAMBERGE to hell, too.

Nick Stuart: RED SCARE!

FLAMBERGE lands on the ring apron and falls out of the ring. He flops like a fish when he hits the floor. Hayes Hanlon slides into the ring, only to get clotheslined out by Ivan and sent to the floor like the rest of the Glueminati.

Ivan celebrates like a man who is getting some catharsis from taking out the Glueminati.

And then he turns around and sees the Universal Champion standing on the apron.

Ivan’s blood becomes volcanic upon locking eyes with Cecilworth Farthington. 24 hours removed from their war for the Universal Championship, their scars still evident with their every move. Farthington is severely bruised from the match with Ivan. Ivan hasn’t been able to walk without a limp and his explosiveness has been reduced as a result.

Nick Stuart: IT’S ELECTRIC IN THE TOKYO DOME! FARTHINGTON! STANISLAV! ONE MORE TIME!

Cecilworth steps into the ring.

Ivan moves to murder him.

It’s just Cecilworth and Ivan and Ivan’s GUAAAAAAARDS!

BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

The moment Ivan moves to engage, Kenny Freeman reaches into the ring and grabs Farthington’s boot. Rose runs in with a knee to Farthington’s head. The Red Army is battered and bruised, but they’re beating down the new Universal champion in the center of the ring.

Nick Stuart: NO!

Richard Parker: I… I don’t know if I condone this.

Ivan waits impatiently for Cecilworth to get all of the blood beaten out of him by his loyal Red Army comrades.

It’s at times like these that you need a hero.

Now, one such hero is currently lying half-dead at the bottom of four tables, but that doesn’t mean that PRIME is devoid of more heroes to take his place.

Sebastian Gold jumps up on the apron and hits Rose with a step-up kick to stun her. With a slingshot, he comes into the ring and…

Nick Stuart: CANADIAN DESTROYER ON ROSE!

Rose lands on her head, the momentum carries her up to her feet. She has just enough time and consciousness to give the Alias champion the finger, and then she collapses out of the ring. Sebs doesn’t have a lot of time to celebrate, because Freeman flies at him.

Nick Stuart: FOREARM FROM FREEMAN!

Sebs staggers, and Freeman looks to take him out for good with a flying maneuver. However, the moment his feet hit the second ropes, the Anglo Luchador meets him and literally throws him over the second rope and to the floor with a thud.

Ivan is infuriated by this interference. He boots Sebastian Gold out of the ring, then he turns to deal with the Anglo Luchador. TAL is thrown across the ring in a huge beal that sends him tumbling to the apron. Ivan feels equal parts unstoppable, unbeatable, and indefatigable.

Then he turns and is promptly punched in the fucking mouth by Nate Colton.

Richard Parker: Oh no!

Nate Colton hates Ivan Stanislav with the fiery passion of a thousand burning suns. Few people who remain in PRIME have been more thoroughly wronged by Stanislav than Colton has. Another big right hand staggers the giant, who is backed into the ropes. A third sends Ivan tumbling over the top rope and to the apron.

Nick Stuart: It’s almost impossible! Ivan Stanislav is being rocked by Nate Colton!

Behind Ivan Stanislav looms something left behind by RIA and Anna Daniels earlier – the ominous barbed wire board that lies on top of a table.

Colton rears back for a fourth punch, but Ivan stops him with a headbutt, sending Colton to the canvas. The headbutt itself startles even Ivan, who needs a moment to regain his bearings.

This moment of hesitation costs him dearly.

Because Chandler Tsonda also has a score to settle with Ivan Stanislav.

Nick Stuart: TSONDA!

Tsonda lies over Colton’s fallen body and hits Ivan with an elbow, which rocks Ivan but doesn’t send him down. Tsonda rapidly delivers right hands and elbows to Ivan, but Ivan weathers the storm and manages to shove Tsonda back.

Tsonda runs back and hits Stanislav with another flying elbow, preventing Ivan from getting back in the ring. It’s still not enough to knock him from the apron, and that leaves Tsonda with desperate measures in mind.

He breathes a silent prayer to himself, for himself.

He runs into the opposite ropes.

And when he reaches Ivan, it’s a Perfect Ten.

Nick Stuart: PERFECT TE–

Nick Stuart does not finish the call before there’s a…

CRAAAAAASH!

Both Tsonda and Stanislav come flying off of the ring apron, and they land together in a single heap through the barbed wire table. It’s carnage. It’s chaos. It’s brutal. Both men are bloodied.

But in the end, it’s an unconscious Tsonda over the top of an unconscious Ivan Stanislav. And referee “Hot Pants” Shiraishi is there to make the count.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

Chandler Tsonda – 24 points

Nick Stuart: WE NEED HELP OUT HERE!

Richard Parker: Uh, yeah, I’ve been asking for a bunker this whole time…

Nick Stuart: ENOUGH ABOUT THE BUNKER ALREADY!

In the ring, Nate Colton is on one knee, staring in shock at the sacrifice Chandler Tsonda made to put Ivan Stanislav down for the count. He knows he should get out there and check up on him. A small part of him also knows he should take advantage and pin Stanislav himself.

And then Cecilworth Farthington rolls him up.

ONE.

TWO.

NO.

Colton recovers quickly from almost getting pinned and catches Farthington with a German suplex as he gets up, sending the Universal champion on his back. Colton is fired up and angry, and…

Nick Stuart: TERMINAL CANC– NO!

Colton turns just in time to catch Cancer Jiles’ boot. He felt it coming. As always, just when everything seems to go smoothly, that snake in the boot, that fly in the ointment, that egg on your face, that crumb is there to try and ruin everything.

Colton spins Jiles around. In a flash, he rips the 5-Star Champion to the canvas with the…

Nick Stuart: COLTON CLUTCH SUPLEX!

Richard Parker: OH GOD!

Sorry, did I say “canvas”? Oh. My mistake. I meant “bottom turnbuckle”.

Cancer Jiles might actually be dead.

Richard Parker: DO IT AGAIN!

Naturally, Colton can’t hold on to the bridge. He has to go for the pin the normal way, so he falls on top with Elvis Nixon right there to make the count.

ONE.

TWO.

…

…

Where’s the three? There’s supposed to be an earth-shattering three!

Well, in this match, the mission of one man in particular is simple. “Protect Cancer Jiles at all costs”. We’ve reached that moment.

Hessian pulls Jiles out of the ring, and out from under Nate Colton. And with all 7’2” and 370 pounds, he covers Jiles’ body with his own like a mother protecting their child.

Richard Parker: THIS IS DISGUSTING! SOMEONE KILL HIM MORE!

MD Storm, Scott Hunter, Kerry Kuroyama, RIA, and Steve Harrison all put the boots to Hessian, but none of them can pry the big man off of Jiles.

In the ring, Nate Colton is angry about Hessian’s interference. He starts to go outside to deal with the problem himself, but he’s stopped when Cecilworth pulls him back to the center of the ring.

Kick.

WHAM.

WORTHL–NO!

Colton reverses out into an arm wringer. He goes for the Colton Clutch, but Farthington uses all of his technique to flip Colton over onto his back. He attempts to go for Article 51, Farthington’s dreaded cross armbreaker, but Colton links the arms and powers Farthington up onto his shoulder before dropping him down with a powerbomb.

Outside of the ring, the throngs of people putting the boots to Hessian are thinned out when Tony Gamble peels RIA off to go fight her. Those two, who’ve hated each other since day one, brawl out into the crowd.

Conor Fuse, meanwhile, leaps up onto the apron. With a leap into the ropes, he comes down with a moonsault on top of everyone else, sending them all to the ground.

Nick Stuart: ASAI MOONSAULT FROM FUSE!

In the ring, Colton lingers too long on top of Farthington without actually pinning him, and the dangerous submission master grabs him in a triangle choke. But Colton manages to stand up and start stomping on Farthington’s face, which provides a break that he needs.

FLAMBERGE crawls back into the ring. It’s all he can do. His hate for Nate Colton might transcend the universe and enter into the multiverse, so don’t tell Kenny Freeman. But he grabs hold of Nate Colton’s boot with every intention of preventing him from going any further in his battle with the Universal champion.

Nate Colton has a look of frustrated disgust.

Can he not?

He goes to deal with the problem…

…and he is promptly booted in the face by Hayes Hanlon. Hanlon grabs Colton and without hesitation…

Nick Stuart: FLASHPOINT!

Colton goes down.

As he gets up, though, he’s dropkicked by the Anglo Luchador and sent to the outside. Hanlon wants to go back in the ring and deal with him, but a Jason Snow with some serious unfinished business grabs him from behind and pulls him into the crowd. Nearby, Bader rolls up on his wheelchair shouting at Snow and Hanlon and preparing to smash Hanlon in the back with an oxygen tank again.

In the ring, TAL grabs FLAMBERGE and wraps him up in the magistral cradle!

ONE.

TWO.

THREE!

The Anglo Luchador – 23 points

FLAMBERGE’s eyes go a little buggier when he realizes what just happened, but he has little strength left and he flops onto his stomach on the ring apron.

As he does, the countdown hits for the last time.

Nick Stuart: WE’VE JUST GOT TWO MINUTES LEFT!

3.

2.

1.

There’s still a few strong names on the wheel. Colton. Hanlon. Snow. Lynch.

But if you’re going to bring the Manhunt to a close, you gotta go big. You gotta go out strong. You gotta go… Universal. And if that’s the case, then only one man fits that bill right now.

58:00 – THE MANHUNTER CECILWORTH FARTHINGTON IS THE FUCKHEAD

In the ring, Nate Colton and the Anglo Luchador go at it, each unaware of what the video wall says. It’s a battle that ends when TAL catches Colton in a headscissors and launches him from the ring.

As he recovers from this, Quinn Fleetwood staggers to his feet with his eyes set squarely on Cecilworth.

He thinks like he’s about to bring the Universal champion to hell.

Yet he himself looks like hell.

Richard Parker: Points for persistence, if nothing else.

Fleetwood roars and runs at Cecilworth with every intention of ruining him and claiming the first pinfall of the new Universal champion and…

…Well, what do you think is going to happen?

If the answer was “gets caught into a hanging Article 51 as he swings his arm at Cecilworth and immediately taps out”, then congratulations! You get a gold star.

Cecilworth Farthington – 26 points

Richard Parker: Farthington is just four points away from being able to call his own shot!

Nick Stuart: But he’s the marked man now. He has to get two more pins if he wants to overtake Jiles, otherwise, they’re going to tie.

Quinn Fleetwood rolls out of the ring clutching his arm. Perhaps, finally, he’ll take the hint and his night is done.

Outside of the ring, Cancer Jiles remains dead-by-suplex and a seven foot giant is still over the top of him, protecting him using his body. It’s all Hessian can do to weather the storm. There’s only so many Bandits to help them.

TAL and Farthington look at each other. Both realize that there’s only a few minutes left and they need points to catch up to Jiles. For TAL, it’s for the validation of a career well-spent. For Farthington, it’s for the possibility of “better retiring” one man in particular.

They go at it. Tooth and nail.

Farthington blasts TAL with a European uppercut, only for TAL to respond with one of his own. They fight like this for a few seconds before Farthington sneaks in a sneaky knee to double TAL over. Farthington locks in the side headlock with every intention of transitioning into a more brutal submission hold, but TAL hangs on and bodily lifts Farthington up for a back suplex.

Farthington flips over and onto his feet, and tries to lock in…

Nick Stuart: THE TARP!

The soul of Phil Atken still lives inside the Financier. Or his rear naked choke. One of the two. The point is that something of Atken’s lives in there, and it’s just as surly and mercurial as the real deal. The last time this submission got locked in on TAL – the first round of the Almasy – he went to sleep. This time, though, TAL has just enough strength to kick his feet up onto the turnbuckles and flip over.

This very act doomed Coral Avalon nearly two years ago at Tropical Turmoil, but Cecilworth is far more exhausted and far more battered here than he was against the then-Crownless King. TAL lands in a cover.

ONE.

TWO.

KICKOUT!

Farthington has to let go. He has no other choice. It’s either let go or take a pin he can’t afford to take. They scramble up, and Farthington makes an uncharacteristic mistake born of desperation and recklessness.

He charges TAL.

TAL catches him in the drop toe hold, and Farthington’s throat hits the second rope. TAL runs in.

Nick Stuart: TIGER FEINT KICK!

That move is usually known by a San Diego area code, but we’re in Japan, baby. TAL lands on the apron, and he springboards off the top rope and into Farthington.

Nick Stuart: HURRICANRANA FROM TAL!

TAL snatches both legs and covers.

ONE.

Farthington is desperate to try and kick out…

TWO.

…but TAL’s pin is too deep.

THREE!

The Anglo Luchador – 28 points

Nick Stuart: THE ANGLO LUCHADOR JUST PINNED THE UNIVERSAL CHAMPION!

Richard Parker: IMPOSSIBLE!

Just one day removed from the Glueminati taking his tag titles, TAL has scored eight straight points on them and is closing in on victory in the Manhunt.

He rolls off of Farthington and kicks him in the head as he tries to recover. This stuns the champion, and TAL gets his hooks in for the Japanese Ocean Cyclone Suplex. Everyone knows that if he hits this, TAL will win the Manhunt. It would be a result no one expects, a victory out of nowhere on one of the biggest stages PRIME has ever ha–

Nick Stuart: TERMINAL CANCER!

–this crumb never lets me finish my thoughts I swear to god.

TAL falls.

Farthington falls farther.

Jiles falls, and a brutally beaten and bloodied Hessian pulls him out of the ring and carries him away from the ring on his shoulder.

Richard Parker: This son of a fuck. That motherbitch. I hate him. I hate him and his stupid alfredo hair and…

But Nate Colton is still alive, just as bloodied as the rest of them. He’s there to take advantage. He’s there to grab Cecilworth and put him in the Colton Clutch.

Nick Stuart: COLTON CLUTCH!

Richard Parker: I WASN’T FINISHED!

Nate Colton only needs five points to overtake Jiles for the lead. For that reason, he needs Cecilworth Farthington to go down. Cecilworth hooks his leg around Colton’s leg to prevent the suplex, forcing Nate to try and win this with the submission element of the Colton Clutch. The maneuver that’s always been the staple of the Colton family, as reliable and as strong as an old pickup truck.

Despite all of Cecilworth’s tricks of the trade, he finds himself fading in the hold. His bruised body, brutalized from two nights of action, betrays him and he drops to one knee. Colton wrings in the hold, trying to force Cecilworth to tap out. It’s a result that the Universal champion continues to deny him.

The time ticks away.

Colton bodily pulls Cecilworth up, having worn him down enough to try for the Colton Clutch Suplex once more time.

And his efforts become even more frantic when he hears Vince Howard count us down.

Vince Howard: TEN SECONDS REMAIN!

Nick Stuart: Colton… Colton doesn’t have time!

Vince Howard: NINE!

Colton is screaming for Farthington to stop fighting the suplex. Farthington does not comply, because Cecilworth Farthington knows no other direction but forward.

Vince Howard: EIGHT!

Colton takes a risk. With the arm still drawn over Farthington’s face, he slips his hand out and starts pounding on Cecilworth’s head with hard elbows. As he does, Cecilworth reaches into his tights with his free hand for the 2-iron, the brass knuckles with the chair insignias on them.

Nick Stuart: BRUTAL ELBOWS TO THE HEAD FROM COLTON!

Vince Howard: SEVEN!

Colton grabs hold of the Clutch again. Cecilworth tries to punch Colton in the head with the 2-iron in futility, he just can’t get a good hit in.

Vince Howard: SIX!

He’s beaten Cecilworth enough to bring him down.

Nick Stuart: COLTON CLUTCH SUPLEX!

Vince Howard: FIVE!

Colton’s legs give out from under him. He can’t bridge, and if he doesn’t move out from under Cecilworth, it’s all for naught.

Vince Howard: FOUR!

Nick Stuart: HE’S NOT…

Colton scrambles up.

Vince Howard: THREE!

His arm falls on Cecilworth, and Elvis Nixon is there for the count.

Vince Howard: TWO!

ONE.

Vince Howard: ONE!

TWO.

DING DING DING

There’s confusion.

Fans in the Tokyo Dome wait with baited breath as Vince Howard confers with ringside officials for a long time. All of the action around ringside comes to a stop as the many able-bodied referees try to break up all of the fighting. The murmuring among the fans at ringside, who’ve at times been at the very center of the war that’s erupted for the past hour, continues.

Up on the stage, the eGG Bandits have coalesced. Cancer Jiles is dead on Hessian’s shoulders, his body limp. Tony Gamble looks like he’s been in a car wreck, and Conor Fuse – who has apparently joined the Bandits – is not much better.

And then finally, finally… Vince Howard gets on the house mic.

Vince Howard: Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please…

There’s energy in the air as everyone anticipates the announcement. The Glueminati sit together at ringside as Cecilworth rolls out of the ring to join them.

Vince Howard: Your winner…

The Red Army is still trying to get Ivan out from the barbed wire hell he’s been trapped in for the last two minutes, while Chandler Tsonda sits nearby covered in blood… watching them intently with every intention of going back to war if he has to.

Vince Howard: THE WINNER… OF THE 2025 CULTURE SHOCK MANHUNT MATCH… IS CAAAAAAAAANNNNNCEERRRRRRR JIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLEEEEESSSSSSSSS!!!

Richard Parker: …no…

Sebastian Gold and The Anglo Luchador kneel next to their fallen fellow Hero, Crash Jackson, who hasn’t moved much from the tables that Ivan threw him through. Jason Snow is already leaving with Rexton William Bader wheeling himself ahead of him.

Anna Daniels, the lone representative of the Poor Whoresmen in this match, is fuming.

Nick Stuart: Nate Colton came within an eyelash! But with 29 points, Cancer Jiles is barely one point above The Anglo Luchador! He has won Manhunt! No… it’s more like he survived Manhunt!

In the ring, Nate Colton is the only man standing, his hands on his hips. All he can do is stare up at the lights in disbelief. So close and yet so far, once again.

Richard Parker: Of all the people… OF ALL THE PEOPLE!

On the stage, Cancer Jiles has his hand raised by the rest of the Bandits, even as Jiles himself is completely spent and his alfredo hair a gross red. All are one under the carton, and for the eGG Bandits… this one was for Coral. 

Debatably.

Nick Stuart: This may have been the single most chaotic night I’ve ever been a part of. There’s going to be a lot of fallout in the coming weeks about the events of tonight, and I don’t know what the state of PRIME is going to be after this weekend!

Richard Parker: I still want that bunker. I don’t want to be around Starsky Andhutch Stanislav when we go to Canada in two weeks. Like, not even a little bit.

Nick Stuart: Nevertheless, I’ve been Nick Stuart, this has been Richard Parker, and this has been Culture Shock! Good night, everybody!

Outside of the ring, the Universal Champion looks up at the PRIMEview to see the face of the man he may, once again, be on a collision course with at UltraViolence. He has little strength left to move, but the disgusted look on his face tells all the story he needs to tell.

UltraViolence beckons.

FADE.

TO.

YOLK.

Final Scores
Cancer Jiles – 29 points
The Anglo Luchador – 28 points
Cecilworth Farthington – 26 points
Nate Colton – 25 points
Chandler Tsonda – 24 points
Ivan Stanislav – 23 points
Kerry Kuroyama, FLAMBERGE – 21 points
Jason Snow – 20 points
Hayes Hanlon, Steve Harrison – 18 points
Scott Hunter, Sebastian Gold – 17 points
Joe Fontaine – 16 points
Hessian, Conor Fuse – 14 points
Ben Lynch, Anna Daniels – 11 points
Tony Gamble – 10 points
RIA – 9 points
Jackson Cooley, Bryan Dawkins – 8 points
MD Storm, Crash Jackson, Blaze Claymore – 6 points
Kenny Freeman – 5 points
Felix Mullen, Steve Lemieux – 3 points
Quinn Fleetwood, Asher Creed, Sage Pontiff, Bobby Dean, Sean O’Neill – 0 points